Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, we're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside… Yes indeed, it's the start of the 12th Annual Full Monty Fantasy Baseball League, 2002 Edition. Since the draft was so long ago and I've misplaced all my notes, let's just jump right into the regular season with some first week observations, shall we? But not before a word from our new sponsor Cablevision, the "No" Network…

How many homers does Mark Grudzielanek have? Oops, sorry! That was last season, wasn't it? OK, so who's the big shot this season? Barry Bonds already has 5? B-O-R-I-N-G! I liked it better last season when Grudzy had us all believing he was freebasing Andro… Early leader for best name by a Japanese pitcher goes to Milwaukee reliever Takahito Nomura. "Take a hit, oh no mora!" Gotta love it! Let's see Ichiro do that… Looks like things are status quo in Montreal as the Expos have contracted Jose Canseco from their Opening Day roster…

Anyone else besides me notice the strange way Buddy Bell's got the batting order set up in Colorado? Looks like they're batting in "name order". It goes like this: Pierre, Uribe, Walker, Helton, Zeile, Hollandsworth. Well what's so strange about that? Well how about we list them by first names instead? In that case it's Juan, Juan, Larry, Todd, Todd, Todd. For you mathematics nuts out there, that's Juan Squared Larry Todd Cubed. Not sure how Larry Walker got in the middle of that bunch, but I say the Rockies go out and get Juan Samuel out of retirment and make it a Juan to the third, Todd to the third top six. Toss is two Jose's and Denny Neagle and we've got ourselves a lineup!

How about the Cubs stealing Antonio Alfonseca from the Marlins in that late Spring Training deal? In fact, one might say they got the "six finger discount"… Bud Selig has pledged, and I quote, "This season, the owners will definitely not lock out the players…" Now that's all fine and good of the commissioner and all but if these impatient reporters had bothered to stick around for the end of the quote they may have heard Bud mutter the words "… from the bathroom" under his breath… And what exactly is going on in Atlanta? First, second baseman Marcus Giles misses the start of the season with hemorrhoids and then Gregg Maddux mysteriously misses his first start of the season with a strained buttocks muscle? Coincidence? I think not! Even Kevin Kelly couldn't make this stuff up! Couldn't have anything to do with Leo Mazzone's constant rocking could it? Doug, I want a full report next week…

Moving away from Atlanta to Cleveland, how about utility infielder Jolbert Cabrera's missing a few games after getting shot in the butt while foiling a car jacking? Notice I said "missing a few games", not "sitting a few out"… And while we're in Cleveland does anyone have an explanation on this whole Chuck Finley getting beat up by his wife thing? Now lets not forget that his wife is the beautiful Tawney Kitean, famous for her, er, front seat "driving" in the Whitesnake video "Here I Go Again". Well, Chuck here we go again! Another season on Brian Legere's team and let me tell you the man's not happy with you! All he can say is that the make-up sex had better have been first rate! And the video clips better be in his inbox by your next start… Oh look, Mike Piazza just got hit again! Somebody get the defibrillators and check on Mr. Quat! Now was that Guillermo Mota or Manny Mota he went after? Just checking…

And don't worry Red Sox fans, the rumor of Pedro's demise have been greatly exaggerated! After getting absolutely shelled on Opening Day, it looks like Mr. Martinez is back after blanking the O's in his next start. And before I leave this paragraph a word out to my favorite columnist on ESPN's Page 2, Bill Simmons, a.k.a., the Boston Sports Guy, to please jump off the Pedro Is Dead bandwagon while he's still got a chance. That's not a train you want to be riding, my friend! Besides, you'd better get off soon. That bandwagon's filling up with Pirates fans! And Kevin Shanley's driving! It's like a scene from The Night Of The Living Dead, they're coming out of the woodwork so fast! Hey isn't that Duffy Dyer with the maggots coming out of his ears…

Walt, that last paragraph was for you! Hope you're feeling better this week… Oops, almost forgot to mention my t-shirt of the week, sent to me by Intentional Walt and taken from a Red Sox chat room he was in. The front of the tee, as modeled by Papa Bud Selig himself reads: I Rigged The Sale Of The Red Sox, And All I Got Was Izzy Alcantara And This Lousy T-Shirt! If anyone else has any contributions for next week's award, send them on over! Gotta be a "Mo Vaughn with a broken hand" joke out there somewhere… Has Ray Boyce arrived at the hotel for the draft yet? Speaking of, I already have next week's T-shirt winner: I Was Stuck In Traffic On The George Washington Bridge For An Hour And A Half On Draft Day And All I Got Was Barry Bonds, His Five Homers, And This Lousy T-Shirt! Folks, we have a winner…

Finally, back to reality for a second with a warning from The Commish that this week's free agent lists may be a little off in the position eligibility column. You see, I coded the program to use our new "5 game in season eligibility" rule, but since not too many players have put in five games at one position yet, the free agent lists by position turned up to be a very blank-filled page! So I adjusted to take into account last season's 20-game eligibility as well, just double check the numbers yourselves if you're planning on picking up one of those multi-position guys this week… Speaking of double checking, everyone give your team stats a quick look over as well and make sure all the rookies have stats from the first week and all your transactions were made correctly. I've doubled the budget for QA this season, so we should be all set!

That's about all I've got room for this week, gotta go put the finishing touches on my "Bring Tino Back To The Bronx" sign for the next Yankee homestand… And hey, I see that Jimmy Kalach has succeeded in raising Babe's piano! All the way to the top of the standings after the first seven days of stats are in the books! Hang on to that Baby Grand, Jim, it's a long season! 'til next week…