…and John Fogerty’s voice drifts into hearing range, but surprisingly it’s not “Centerfield”, but instead the Old Man Down The Road is singing an ode to that mighty fine Draft Day weather we had to deal with…

Long as I remember, the rain been coming down

…fade out Fogerty, fade in Bruce. No not The Boss Bruce Springsteen, but Bruce Lerman, standing on an airstrip somewhere in Northern Africa. Bruce is sporting a long overcoat and hat as he speaks to his son Alex as they stand beneath the canopy of a twin engine plane, surrounded by foggy mist…

“Alex, I’ve never done well in this league on my own and probably never will. But this year, we've got a job to do. Where I'm going, you better follow. What I've got to do, you have to be a part of. Son, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three seasons of flawed fantasy baseball don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.”

Out of all the fantasy leagues in all the gin joints the kid had to pick this one for his debut? Yes indeed folks, despite having the shirt of Jose Reyes’ # 7 torn off his back by Dennis on Draft Day, young Alex Lerman has channeled that animosity, thrown his dad on his back, and guided Blame It On Alex into first place just a week into this young season! We’ve got a 7 year old leading the league? Man, we should all be ashamed of ourselves! What’s next, somebody’s wife going to come in and beat us? We can begin the “Who’s Your Daddy?” chants now! Anyway, nice job by the young ‘un (for at least this week) and if this keeps up we’re going to have to change his name to either Tiger Lerman or perhaps more suitable would be Alex Adu Lerman.

Right behind the rookie we’ve got the crafty veteran Walt Cherniak, owner of the eponymous Intentional Walts, who’s pitching heavy team was actually running away with this thing after the annual “three days into the season” stats test (sorry Walt, got to refresh that browser this week). Well thankfully he’s calmed down a bit, giving us all a chance to catch-up. Now I’m sure Walt enjoyed watching his Red Sox get their World Series rings on Monday, and probably wants some bling-bling of his own now, so we all know Walt’s hungry for a title this season. So let’s see how things play out and Walt, if you do wind up winning, please promise us the ensuing celebration will not include kissing J.D. Drew or Drew Barrymore!...

Hanging out three wide in the first week stretch it’s The Suicidal Bombers, owned by our very own Dickensian Brothers Flinn. Jim (a.k.a. Elder Flinn) and next generation owner Sean (and do I see a pattern here with Alex in the early lead?) worked the laptop while Mike Flinn channeled David Spade in the Capital One commercials, wearing the headset the entire draft, guiding Jacksonville Joe (it’s not warm enough for the Speedo yet) and Kevin “The Hat” Shanley through the motions as they drafted their teams via phone. For those of you who weren’t listening, the conversation might’ve gone something like this:

What’s with all this dissing on moms? I thought only Neil did that? Speaking of Neil (and jumping around now in the first week standings as Neil opens the season in 10th), all I’ve got to say to him is WTF!? Six straight pitcher selections to open the draft? Are you feeling OK? I don’t think you’ve selected six pitchers in the first six rounds of all your previous 13 drafts COMBINED! Can the all-pitching strategy work? Well Mr. Hat almost pulled it off a few years back, as he was maybe just a trade or two away from winning the whole thing. And we all know they don’t him Trader Neil for nothing! Let’s see what happens over the course of the season, and while I’ve got your attention on the topic, one strong word of caution. If and when you find yourself shaking hands on a deal with Neil, be sure to count your fingers afterward, make sure they’re all there…

Jumping back into 4th place in the early standings (what I won’t do for a good segue), we have perennial contender (and stealer of young kids draft picks) Dennis Milewski and his cousins Hans and Franz Milewski whoare here to “pump you up” this season with 1-800-ROID-RATS, a slightly larger, chemically-enhanced (and Japanese pitcher-free) version of his Rats teams that have underperformed the past few seasons. Always looking for that competitive advantage, Dennis has hired Jose Canseco as a special “consultant“ to the team this year and the changes were noticed immediately as the sushi bar has been dismantled and a new “juice bar” has been opened up adjacent to the Rats clubhouse…

Next up in the order are the co-defending champions, and my favorite logo of this season, Brian Legere’s The Injectibles. Brian once again manned the corner spot at 16 with laser like precision, although there were a few leaky pens and hi-liter’s flying around that part of the clubhouse! So far, Brian seems to like his team. No two paragraph trade offers yet, but Brian was nice enough to send out an e-mail asking us all how our first week went. Now I don’t know about the rest of you but I had a pretty good week as the fact that Ken Griffey Jr is still walking upright has me downright ecstatic! Also Brian wanted me to let you know that you can go to iTunes and download all his Draft Day performances. Favorites right now among the iPod set include the remake of the Madonna classic “Halladay”, Duran Duran’s “Her Name Was Rios”, The Beatles’ “I Can See For Aaron Miles” and the trance hit “Diverticulitis (Magglio’s Got It)”…

Now Ray Boyce would next but he’s still Missing In Action. Having to work on Draft Day as he’s recently gotten a new job (for some company named The Greg Jeffries Company or something), Ray was forced to choose “brownie points” over “chocolate Draft Day brownies”. Sorry to tease you Ramon, there really were no brownies (but Trish promises cupcakes again next year), but there was still plenty of speed to go around as it once again looks like another Boyce classic “all the steals and no added saves” squad this season. By the way that’s pronounced “Boyce” as in rhymes with Joyce, and not like that city in Idaho…

Ahora venimos al equipo conocido como Jose Mesa por El Presidente. Que? No hablo espanol? OK, next we come to the team known as Jason Bay For President, owned by Kevin “The Hat” Shanley. Well, at least that was his chosen team name before the draft began, but once Jason Bay went off the board to The Injectibles in Round 8, the team was temporarily renamed after closer-in-residence Jose Mesa and “en espanol” for the remainder of the draft. At press time, Kevin was still fighting for the ownership and profits of his team with Los Hermanos Flinn. Lawyers for both sides were still in negotiations and there is a media gag order in effect, but let me just ask the obvious question here? Why are you family members fighting over a team where selecting the “best available Pirate” means having Johnny Depp as your corner infielder?

Joe Mastrangelo and Charlie “Home Run” Baker answer the age old question once posed by rockers AC/DC as they bring the “dead singer” theme back out of mothballs with this season’s We’ve Got The Biggest Balls Of Them All squad. Now I’m not professing to challenge their boasts but I do know that if you put them in a room with Jose Canseco and Ken Caminiti then their team name probably rings true. Joe did a great job drafting via cell phone, holding up the draft nary a bit (unlike those laptop-wielding owners) as he spun his way through 23 rounds and 340 of his free weekend minutes. So then you think Charlie would be grateful (but not gratefully dead) for Joe’s efforts? Of course not! Instead of coming to the draft himself (and for the record “I’m working on my car” is not a good excuse to miss the draft, nor is “I live in Pennsylvania now” when guys are driving up from Maryland and Virginia), he takes one look at the roster and proposes a team name change to “Joe Has No Balls”, which of course, might explain the whole Speedo thing from a few years back…

Look! Up there on the grassy knoll! Yes, right there behind the Book Depository, it’s The Second Spitter! This year’s Seinfeldian entry from The Caruso Brothers was sadly a one-man affair, as Joe C (we miss ya!) was manning the grill at the restaurant (Charlie please take note that he was not working on his car) leaving one lonely guy (or make that Guy with a capital “G”) to pick their team. Given the circumstances, one might say that Guy was The Master of His Domain. No? Not that there’s anything wrong with that! And when asked why he didn’t drafted David Ortiz, Guy replied “Papi not so clean!”… Special thanks to Guy for playing the role of “person next to the refrigerator” and keeping The Commish rehydrated all day…

Now allow me to introduce this next paragraph by stating that Boston Rob has nothing on Doug Quat! The Quat Thrusts! have become a late team entry into “The Amazing Race”. Doug was all set to hop a flight to Newark Airport on Saturday morning, where he would be picked up by Kevin “Pimp My Ride” Kelly and chauffered in fine style to the draft. Instead he receives a call form the airlines at midnight telling him his flight’s been cancelled (I think Cat Stevens was on the passenger list or maybe it was Lee Stevens?), and the only flight out was a 6AM landing in Kennedy (on the outskirts of NYC). So Doug figures he’s got to get there so he hops the flight and the following nightmare itinerary, brought to you by the good folks at Expedia and MapQuest.com, ensues:

Well needless to say, Doug survived the subway ride and the ride up the Turnpike with Kevin, not sure which was more frightening, and made it safely to the draft with time to spare (as Charlie remained home “working on his car” by the way). Nice job Doug, you get the immunity statue for the first week of the season. Hoping to capitalize on the “child as co-owner” craze, Doug has brought his daughter Caroline on as a co-owner this season. Hey Caroline, how about convincing Dad it’s time for a team name change? I don’t think any father wants his teenage daughter associated with a team that has the word “Thrust” in the name. Doug spent the week post-draft in New York City (might as well it took him long enough to get here!), which of course made his co-owner, at least for a week, “Caroline In The City”…

So what place in the standings are we up to now? Oh wow, 12th already! Man time flies when you’re having fun (and getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in the process). Let me introduce you to the owner of We Slept With Anna Benson. Marc D’Allesandro, yes that’s “Mark with a C”, just like former owner Marc Rabin (and the first person to recollect the “George Brett, 20 cents” auction moment wins a prize!). Marc has not really had the pleasure of sleeping with the wife of a certain Mets pitcher but he did have the pleasure of drafting his first solo team in our league. Sleeping with Anna Benson? Flying solo? He didn’t draft Pete Rose or any of his five infielders did he? Just checking. Mark With A C’s team will also be known as Rats Far East this season as he’s picked up the mantle of Japanese relievers dropped by Dennis.

Starting the season in Lucky 13th place we have our newest and only Pro Bowlers Tour card-carrying member Brian Boghosian. Brian’s “place of business” this season is the Montana Realty Company and Brian wants you to “say hello to his little friend” (why do you think he drafted Chone Figgins?). We weren’t sure if we’d see Brian at the draft or bowling live on national TV on Draft Weekend but unfortunately for him he didn’t make the cut in his first official tournament as a pro and drove all the way from Michigan to join us at the draft. So here’s to hoping we see Brian on ESPN’s PBA Tour coverage sometime real soon and he misses next year’s draft because he’s in the finals, or maybe he’ll offer to help Chuck with that carburetor?...

Do you like pina coladas? Getting caught in the rain? Well then you’ll love this next team (although you’ll hate their pitching!). Subpoena Coolata is the latest Kevin Kelly-Commish collaboration and they start the season in quite the hole in 14th place. With three current members of the 500-homer club on the roster (Sosa, Palmeiro, Griffey) you’d think this team has a lot of power right? Well that all depends (yes pun intended as these guys are real old!) on how well Team AARP holds up physically. Coming from a guy like Kevin who used to name his teams “Torn ACL”, “Dislocated Kneecap” and “Fractured Fibula” and the likes an “all injury” team is really no great risk…

Next to last and certainly not next to least, in 15th place (quite the nice spot to grab some prime free agents, no?) we have Jim Kalach’s All 41 team (assuming of course he found his way home from the draft OK). Now that’s All 41 as in four-one, or “for one”, but also forty-one, which is Randy Johnson’s number and his age! The Piano Man is also hoping that he gets more than All (of) 41 points when the final numbers come out in October. Right now he’s got only a few more than that, so he’s hoping for maybe All 41 Times 2 (82) or even All 41 Times 3 (123), which would put him right up there in Alex Country right now. Speaking of which when do we see The Piano Son’s debut in league play?

And last and least, we come to Dumb and Dumber. Now I’m not sure which was longer, waiting for this team’s pick in Round 9 or waiting in line to see the body of the pope! Contrary to popular opinion, the team name does not refer to the owners who drafted this team, only the picks they actually drafted. Draft Host Don Cardoza deserves better than this after setting us up once again in the posh luxury of the Draft Den in Mahwah. Thank you Don for your efforts and also for setting up the food spread, let’s hope the team gets to be at least as good as the chicken parmigiana was! Having already lost last year’s partner to the paramours of one Anna Benson, Don brings on John Wrobel as his co-owner this season. John’s the reigning champ of the Slap Shot Fantasy Hockey League and just like it kept raining on Draft Day, John might keep “reigning” over our fantasy hockey league if they never play another season! Welcome to the club John, this draft’s a little longer than the hockey one, eh? Oh and if things don’t get better quickly John’s already threatening to leave Don next season for his own franchise, We Slept With Tawny Kitaen (Then She Kicked My Ass)!

Well that just about covers everybody, doesn’t it? Thank you all once again for an excellent, cooperative and record-fast Draft Day! Good luck to everyone this season! We’ll return here next week with a shorter column and start talking about what’s happening on the major league scene. What’s this? Fogerty wants to do a closing number? OK, house lights, check. Curtains, check. OK John, you’re on in 4, 3, 2, 1…

Alright! Enough already! Join us next week for more News & Notes fun and perhaps a Pedro Martinez - Jennifer Lopez duet is in the offing? ‘til next week…