Well hello everybody and welcome back to yet another edition of The Full Monty Fantasy Baseball League! Now that the draft is over and we've separated the Coco Crisps from the Cesar Crespos, how's everybody doin'? I guess it's as simple as those of you who drafted Chris Shelton (.583-5-9), Andruw Jones (12 RBIs) and Derrick Turnbow (4 saves) are feeling pretty good right now and those of you who drafted Keith Foulke and Eric Gagne, I guess it's not so good? Well don't worry, it's only the first week and fortunes can changes pretty quickly in this crazy little thing called fantasy baseball. The official slogan for this week's News & Notes? How about "Don't Panic, It's Only April!" However, I will make one exception here. If you're the owner of Kris Benson, you may want to keep your hand close to the panic button because it's looks like Kris is just a tad bit distracted right now as his wife Anna plays the "divorce or not" game. As a matter of fact, let's talk about this for a bit shall we"…

So we're all familiar with Anna's "threat" last season of sleeping with every one of her husbands teammates should she find Kris doing any "extra work in the bullpen" (if you know what I mean). Well, it seems like Kris has been having some "side throwing sessions" and sweet Anna's found out about all this and filed for divorce! Well, maybe not so fast as it seems she's retracted that divorce thing faster than a Roger Clemens or Brett Favre retirement rumor as she attempts to reconcile with her hubby. But let's just speculate on what might happen should these findings come true, eh?

Well first of all, assuming her threat was "transferable" that might make for some pretty happy Baltimore Orioles! And what better way to endear yourself to your new teammates? This has got to go further for Kris than buying a round of beers on the first road trip, no? Now we're talking each and every one of her husband's teammates right? So this includes the coaches too? Well if that's true and you're thinking what I'm thinking, I think the first rule on how the rest of the Orioles should approach this thing is "If Leo Mazzone's a-rockin' don't bother knockin'!" Then of course I think Miggy Tejada needs to start passing around some of those B-12 shots! And it's kind of a shame that Rafael Palmeiro isn't around anymore, but do you think he may have left some of those blue pills in his old locker? Well Raffy may not be around but I hear that new Oriole Kevin Millar is ready to "Cowboy Up" at any time! And if I'm Anna I think I'm steering clear of Melvin Mora, whose already fathered quintuplets if you recall. I mean she may want to get back at her husband and all, but not by creating a whole pitching staff…

Now the real unhappy guy here has to be former Oriole catcher Geronimo Gil, the last cut of spring training and no longer officially on the roster. Do you think Anna might be nice enough to expand this to the 40-man roster perhaps? Or even take this thing into the minor leagues? Because if that's the case, I think the third baseman for the Frederick Keys might have a little trouble manning the "hot corner" in April. And what are we going to do about that rookie Greek outfielder they kept up in the big leagues? I'm afraid he might get left "behind" in all of this… And finally, in one last whipping of the dead horse, the Duke lacrosse team claims they never went anywhere near Camden Yards the last time they played Johns Hopkins…

Yes folks, the times they are a changin', I just did three paragraphs of Anna Benson innuendo in a baseball column! What? You wanted me to talk about Barry Bonds or something? OK, I'm game, let's go there next. So all the obvious jokes aside, Barry's all upset now that some guy in San Diego decided to throw a syringe at him on Opening Day as he returned to the dugout. Come on, is that all it was? A lousy little syringe? Let me just say Barry's glad he wasn't playing in New Jersey because they would've added some raw sewage and a tampon to that syringe and given him "the Jersey Shore treatment"! Now Barry's got the cameras following him around for this new reality show called "Bonds on Bonds" right? Nice name for a show I guess. What's the matter "Bonds on steroids, cattle muscle enhancers, female fertility drugs and a random cocktail of stuff from GNC mixed with a mash-in of the contents of the back shelf of your local CVS" was too long a name?

Speaking of criminals did you catch the new program that FOX has added to its summer line-up? Yeah, it's called Dwight Gooden: Prison Break… And while we're on the subject, did anyone else catch Washington Nationals outfielder Jose Guillen playing right field the other day in a full ski mask? Now I admit is was cold in New York that night, but what do you think the real story is here? I'm thinking Mr. Guillen was looking to go out after the game to rob the local Flushing branch of North Fork Bank. But as he was about to leave the clubhouse (to beat the traffic of course) the game went to extra innings and he had to go back out in the field. I guess he's just lucky the weather wasn't warmer and he was going to sport the plastic Richard Nixon mask instead! No wonder Pedro drilled him like 6 times the next day, he has a passbook savings account at that branch…

Staying in New York for our next story, how stupid is this controversy between the local closers Mariano Rivera and Billy Wagner about who has exclusive rights to enter the game to the Metallica song "Enter Sandman"? Apparently both these guys have used the song in the past (which by the way, pales in comparison to Trevor Hoffman's "Hells Bells" entrance) but now that they are both in the same city, one of them has to stop using it? I'm not sure I buy that but there's an easy way to solve this. Yes, I'm talking about a good old-fashioned Steel Cage Match! With the loser agreeing to change his song from "Enter Sandman" to "Mister Sandman" for the remainder of the season. Can you hear it now? The doors open in the Yankee pen… What? You think Rivera's winning this match? Come on, the Mets have Carlos Delgado and Julio Franco guarding the cage door! Who do the Yanks have? Jason Giambi and Hideki Matsui? You'd be better off with Mr. Saito and Mr. Fuji from back in the day! Anyway, so here comes Mariano skipping along the foul line to the strains of; "Mister Sandman, get me a save. Just three more outs and we'll win the game. Mariano's the worlds greatest closer. Three quick strikeouts and this game is over." {insert that repetitive "bum, bum, bum-bum" music beat here}…

By the way, before I go I need to warn you that I got DNA samples off of everyone's food plate at the draft as I cleaned up the clubhouse so you should all expect to be hearing from George Mitchell and his steroid inquiry team real soon. Any league owner caught using steroids will be forced to trade me their best closer for Keith Foulke as punishment for their first offense. Any owners caught a second time during the season will be forced to add Jose Mesa to their roster. If this isn't deterrent enough, let me remind you that Mr. Mesa now pitches in Coors Field! Finally, any owner caught in a third offense will be banned from the league for life. They can apply for reinstatement after two years away, provided they get into a horrible car crash first, but then they will have to come back as Jim Kalach's co-owner… Sorry Mark, I had to pick on the "rookie" owner somewhere in this column didn't I?

Well that's about all we have the space and time for this week. I need to go out and get my dry cleaning now, hey maybe I'll run into Roger Clemens while I'm there? 'til next week…