We'll continue the season with our blog-type columns. Whenever the mood strikes, be it stats night on Monday, the middle of a West Coast game on Wednesday night, or maybe even a Friday morning before I leave for work, I'll come here and post entries. Sometimes it will be a paragraph or two, sometimes longer.

I'll make sure I put a date on everything so you can easily tell what's new from what you may have already read. So feel free to come to this page often, or continue checking in once a week as the stats update, to check out and catch up on the latest entries in what I hope to be a season long blog.

If anyone else has anything to contribute, I'll be more than happy to post it here, with all credit given to the author of course. And if we get one of our infamous 20+ reply e-mail threads going, I may also opt to copy that into this space as well so it's saved for all posterity.


April 30th, 2008

While we wait for the photographic proof that Mindy McCready was at Jose Canseco's pool party, applaud Joba Chamberlain for pitching a perfect inning in Cleveland (no runs, no hits, no errors and no midges) and try to figure out if we can blame the death of that poor Mets fan who fell off the escalator at Shea Stadium on Aaron Heilman and Carlos Delgado, what do you say we start things off this week with the first official song parody of the season? Seeing that the Chicago Cubs are off to a good start and hoping to end their century long championship drought… Ladies and gentlemen, this is COMMISH.COM Idol!…

100 Years (To Lose)

Sung to the tune of Five For Fighting's "100 Years"
(just click on the play button below if you'd like to sing along with the actual song)

{short piano intro}

It's 1906 for a moment
Three Finger Brown's on the mound and the
Cubs are winning and
Setting records for most games won

It's 1908 for a moment

Cubs team better than ever and they
Win the World Series
Who knew this would be their last one

Cub fans I think your time is due

Time to win no longer lose
There's never a wish better than this
When you've already had 100 years to lose

It's 1945 for a moment

Something 'bout a goat they wouldn't let in?
What's this a jinx?
The Cubs ain't gonna win no more

It's 1984 for a moment

Here comes some Buckner-ish torment and
Durham bends down
Can't field the ball, the jinx lives on

Cubs fan living in Lakeview

Sweet Lou's in town, Wood's healthy too
That's where you are
Cubs fans your time is due
There's never a wish better than this
When you've already had 100 years to lose

Ernie Banks rolls by

Fergie Jenkins is high
Another blink of an eye
Haray Caray is gone
Prior's bye bye bye
We're moving on…

It's 2008 for a moment

Fukudome has just homered and
On Waveland they're dreaming and
Chasing the ball while dodging cars

Cubs fans now your time is due

Eff you Bartman and Alou
Looks like you're well on your way with
Zambrano every fifth day

Cubs fans this is the time for you

Sit on the roof and drink some brews
There's never a wish better than this
When you've already had 100 years to lose

Ok, let's go to the judges and see what they think…

Randy: Yo, yo, yo check it out. That song was the bomb dawg! A little pitchy in the chorus but other than that it was hot!
Paula: You look nice tonight. {smiles while looking quite drunk, high, overmedicated or all of the above and almost falls over but catches herself at the last moment} But I have to say, I liked your second song better.
Simon: I'm from England and I must tell you that I don't care much for this American baseball thing, I thought the song was dull and uninspired. Cubs fans think they got it bad? When was the last time Manchester City or West Ham United won the Premier League?

Man the judges were a little rough, eh? I knew I should've done Mindy McCready! Wait. Oops, what did I just say there?! I meant a Mindy McCready song? As in a country music tune? Oh well, no one's going to believe me on this. I better tell a joke here to lighten the mood… Er, let me see, OK, here's one… Rob Lowe, R. Kelly and Roger Clemens walk into a bar… No that's not going to work. What if we make it a juice bar? Or a daycare center perhaps? Wow, this is bad isn't it? How old was she? 15?! Hey doesn't my 100 Years song up there actually start with the lyric "I'm 15 for a moment"? Maybe I should've done a different song parody? "Roger's only got 100 years to serve". Well without taking this topic any further than it has to go (she's 15 years old after all, probably has to be home before 10PM right?), the last thing I want to ask here is would we all be feeling the same way if say, we found out tomorrow that Josh Beckett was having an affair with Hannah Montana? Well as her papa once sang, please don't break my heart, my achy breaky heart, I just don't think you'd understand…

I'm just in a real singing mode tonight aren't I? How about a timeless classic about the Yankees bullpen…

Well I come from Albaladejo with a banjo on Bruney's knee,

and I bet you all 10 dollars, that Hughes does not last 3 (innings)
Oh Gi-rar-di, oh don't you cry for me,
I'll just head on out west to L.A.
To play for Joe Torre

No, we're not going back to the judges on this one! Seacrest, take us to commercial!… When we return, we'll explore why John Wrobel has not yet picked up Gavin "Pink" Floyd, what Ray Boyce thinks he's going to do with a closer on his roster and we'll find out exactly how many injured pitchers owned by Brian Boghosian can fit in a phone booth… Legere out!

April 22nd, 2008

While we sit around and wait for an official ruling from the Elias Sports Bureau regarding the credibility of Alex Lerman's Little League save this past weekend and check in to see if that 22 inning game between the Rockies and the Padres is actually finished yet… Glendon Rusch vs Kip Wells at the end of that one, talk about your late night thrillers! All we needed was a Rick Camp HR in the 18th and some 4th of July fireworks! You Mets fans remember that 19 inning game against the Braves in 1985 don't ya? (COMMISH'S NOTE: Thank you Don C for the correction on the Camp HR inning!) So while we're on that topic let's talk a bit about the Mets bullpen, shall we?

Now I don't want to go off on a rant here but… Can someone who's good with numbers do a little math for me and calculate the pace that each member of the Mets 'pen is on in terms of games pitched for a whole season? And can you do me a favor and let me know if you get a number less than 100? Hello? I can't hear you! That's right folks, I'm thinking Willie Randolph expects to get a Mike Marshall-esque 114 games out of every member of his bullpen this season! Did we learn nothing from last year? Like in September when the bullpen phone kept ringing because no one was able to lift their arm up high enough to answer it! We're just 20 games into the season and if I have to see the sequence of "Marlon Anderson pinch hits for the pitcher who's only thrown 80 or so pitches in the 6th, Sosa gives up the lead in the 7th, Heilman gives up 2 homers in the 8th" one more time I'm going to freakin' puke! Hey it's Earth Day isn't it? Well everybody do your part and bury a member of the Mets bullpen in the dirt at the new Chase Field worksite, eh? Can anyone with a schedule handy tell me when the Mets are in Pittsburgh next? Because I think there's a cab there with Willie's name on it. Just tell the driver that Duaner Sanchez sent ya! You think last season was ugly in terms of burnout? I can't wait until the middle of July when SNY shows video of the Mets bullpen that looks eerily like the camp at Jonestown, Guyana. I'm talking the post-Kool Aid Era here! Bodies strewn everywhere not moving and Rick Peterson and the bullpen catcher sharing a tall glass of Mountainberry Punch. Hey Rick, the phone's ringing, you want to get that? It's Willie on Line 1 asking if we've got anyone to pitch the 7th, he's got Marlon in the on-deck circle already so hurry…

OK, thanks I feel much better now. What's the good word on the "Alex gets a save situation"? Nothing yet? OK, we'll move on… So what was Bruce Benedict doing saying Catholic mass this past week at Yankee Stadium? I never thought I'd see the day an Atlanta Braves catcher gets to chant Kyrie and Excelsis Deo in the House That Ruth Built. That's Babe Ruth mind you, not the chick with the book in the Old Testament. And hey, what kind of royalties does the 80's pop band Mr. Mister get every time someone signs "Kyrie"? I have to admit though, Bruce looks pretty good in the tall pointy hat! What's this? We've got a ruling on the save? No? Oh… OK… Uh-Oh… This isn't good… Well, it appears that the Benedict in question here is in fact not former Atlanta Braves catcher Bruce Benedict but is instead His Holiness himself, The Bishop of Rome (and we're definitely not talking Jim Rome here!), Pope Benedict. OK, so as I start to feel the fires of hell on the soles of my feet, I'm just going to gently extract myself from this paragraph and move on. No nothing to see here, please move along! But I hear they're tearing up the Pope over in the Mets bullpen, you might want to check that out…

Continuing to live dangerously with the religious theme, what are the odds that one of these 400+ kids they've removed from the Mormon compound in Texas can throw a slider and a four-seam fastball? Or better yet, getting a glance of some of these so-called "women", maybe I should be asking about them? Given the bright colors of some of these dresses and the high-hair ("Little House On The Prairie" Meets "Desperately Seeking Susan" anyone?), I say just slap them in one of those retro Astros jerseys and fill up the bullpen car! Next stop, Shea Stadium! No really ladies, you'll like it there, very cultish you'll feel right at home and there's this guy in the clubhouse makes a real mean soft drink. Oh yeah! Kool Aid's here bringing you fun, Kool-Aid's got thirst on the run, give a big wide happy ear-to-ear Kool Aid smile…

Was it just me or was everyone wearing uniform number 42 on Jackie Robinson Day last week? Yes, even the white guys. The saying goes that with all the new talent in the game you can't tell the players without a scorecard. But last Tuesday night it wouldn't have mattered if you had one. Batting 1st, #42… 2nd, #42… and the pitcher, warming up in the bullpen, #42… Quick quiz time! I throw out a name, you tell me what race the player is. Come on, we've already touched religion and we're doing politics next, how much more trouble can we really get in here? Your work Internet filters will kick in if we get too bad so trust me. OK, here we go. Pirates OF Nate McLouth. Sorry, he's white. Orioles OF Adam Jones. Nope, African American. Tigers OF Clete Thomas. Another white dude. Astros OF Michael Bourn. Nah, he's a black guy, you're thinking of Jason Bourne the character played by Matt Damon in those great action movies. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the Irracially Named Outfield All Star Team! Next week we do pitchers. Here's a teaser to get you started. Mariners spot starter Cha-Seung Bak. Nope sorry, I do believe he's Italian…

Folks I have breaking news to report! This just in… Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean has ruled that Alex Lerman did indeed get a save in last weekend's Little League game, despite entering the game with a 10 - 2 lead and only pitching two innings in relief. He says, dammit, it's time to stop arguing and get the party united again so they finally get the bad people out of the positions they're in now! Yeah, I know what he means, I can't wait for Eric Gagne to lose the Brewers closer job either… Speaking of Lerman the Younger, the crack research staff at ESPN's "E:60" show has informed us that they've unearthed evidence that Alex is not 10 years old as he claims but rather he's a very "Almontesque" 12 years old! Bruce swears that he's telling the truth and The Commish's own wife, Trish Commish, who was Alex's daycare teacher and would have knowledge of such things, also backs up the "Alex is really 10" story, claiming that she really hopes he was between the age of 2 and 3 years old when she potty trained him and not closer to 4 or 5!. But to save further embarrassment, The Commish's Office has banned Alex and Bruce from traveling to the Dominican Republic and they are both no longer allowed to wear Miguel Tejada jerseys, not Oakland, not Baltimore and not Houston. And if they complain about it, we're taking Alex's save back and changing it to a "hold" instead… On a related note, The Commish has also commissioned a former high ranking state senator (don't worry Jim he's not from Waterbury) to investigate the ages of other league owners and to finally verify the correct ages for Walt Cherniak and Dennis Milewski. The findings will be published as "The Methuselah Report" and be available later this summer at a congressional hearing in your area…

While we're on the subject of children of league owners, let me finally make the long overdue announcement that Kevin "The Hat" Shanley is once again a proud father! Matthew Ethan Thomas Shanley was born at 5:22PM on April 14th. He weighed in at 8 pounds, 12 ounces, measured 21 inches long and was rumored to be born with just hair on his head, no hat! Hmmm, check out the initials in that name. M(atthew)-E(than)-T(homas)-S(hanley). That spells Mets! M-E-T-S, Mets, Mets, Mets! My lord Kevin, what are you thinking? I'm positive that Peter Ignatius Robert Anthony Thomas Ethan Shanley was not taken at the time you named your child. Quick get thee to the local West Virginia records office and change that poor kids name to something he can live with when he hits 6th grade! And please promise us that if you coach his Little League team that you won't try to pad his stats by bringing him into the back end of a blowout to get him a cheap save, OK? Then again, with a name that spells Mets, there's no way he's holding a lead out of the bullpen! Seriously though, congratulations to Papa and Mama Hat on the newest member of their team and with that I bid you all a fond farewell until next time and leave you with this picture of baby Matthew Shanley (and it looks like they added a hat after all). If you ask me he looks a little like Jack Wilson doesn't he? Or maybe it's Nate McLouth (remember he's a white guy!)…

April 14th, 2008

Starting off with league news I like to welcome you all to the Liriano/Longoria Sweepstakes Results Show where our host Ryan Seacrest is proud to announce the lucky winners are John Wrobel's Pink Roid (Liriano, 13th place last week) and Brian Boghosian's Clear The Fisk Pole (Longoria, 12th place last week). Unfortunately for Brian, he thought he'd won Eva Longoria and now has to settle for Evan instead. Don't worry Brian, we've got word that Billy "Teri" Hatcher is making a comeback and should be available soon too if you're "desperate"! For the rest of you, thanks for playing, we have parting gifts, like Jonathan Sanchez-A-Roni the San Francisco Treat in case you're looking for another pitcher besides Liriano... The biggest mover in the standings this week is Kevin Shanley's L'Equipe Du Chapeau (Team Of The Hat), who went +51 (!) this week to move from last place to 7th. A +51, possibly a league record, only gets you into 7th place? Man, this is a tough league! Kevin's also rumored to be a proud new papa at this moment, details and hopefully pictures to follow once we've got that rumor confirmed. While it's surely too late to attend the draft that he missed, Kevin is now considering driving down from West Virginia and staying in Don's clubhouse anyway to avoid late night feeding and diaper duties... The Transaction Of The Week goes to Neil Eskow, who has fittingly found a way to make a guy named Gabe (Kaplan or Kapler?) a functioning member of The Two Jew Crew! Now if could get Cory Patterson's name changed to Maury and find a good setup man named Saul...

So who knew that Jimmy Hoffa was actually a secret member of Red Sox Nation? I'm sure by now you've all heard the story about the construction worker from the Bronx who was pouring concrete as part of the crew working on building the new Yankee Stadium right? Well in case you haven't, let me crawl under that rock with you and fill you in… So apparently this guy, goes by the name of Gino Castignoli I might add, is a Red Sox fan living in the Bronx (talk about your strangers in a strange land) and decides he's going to bury a David Ortiz jersey into the concrete that he's pouring for the new stadium in some kind of newfangled attempt to curse the Yanks in their new home. Well long story short, the Yanks get wind of this stunt and order the shirt removed. Well five plus hours of drilling and jack-hammering through over two feet of concrete (the basic plot of any Jenna Jameson movie mind you) later and the crew manages to uncover the Big Papi jersey and save anyone from any curse. Or did they? Ortiz is hitting what right now? Something like .087 is it? Hmmm, what curse?…

Well things could be worse than being a Red Sox fan in the Bronx I guess. How about being a young girl named Alexa Rodriguez living in New England? Yes, another of the big "no freakin' way" stories from the first weeks of the season has young Alexa Rodriguez touring Fenway Park with the rest of her classmates as part of a field trip when the unsuspecting child is attacked by a hawk who has decided to make Fenway Park his home for the offseason! Attacked by a freakin' hawk in downtown Boston! Up until now the only Hawk I've seen in Boston is the big, bad, Afro-American, gun-toting sidekick dude from Spenser For Hire! And it's not like this bird attacked someone named Jimmy Smith or anything. Alexa Rodriguez!? First off, who names their kid this and secondly, if we can get past the whole naming thing, why allow your child to travel unprotected to Boston?

Now the Red Sox are claiming complete innocence here, have apologized to the child and her family for her trauma and have even gone so far as to kick the bird from its stadium nest but I think I know the real reason this hawk is now homeless. Because it wasn't doing the job it was trained to do, that's why! Somebody check the Red Sox expense receipts and corporate credit card statements for a hawk trainer or falconer because I'm thinking this bird had been trained all off-season to attack A-Rod on sight during his first trip into town on April, given free room and board to boot. Then this girl shows up, aptly named mind you, and in Pavlovian splendor the training kicks in, A(lexa) Rod is attacked and poor bird has to take the fall for his error. Is this fair I ask? Can I get a ruling from someone from PETA please? Hey, could be worse, lucky they aren't building a new ballpark in Beantown or else this hawk might find himself buried in concrete next to a Jason Giambi jersey. Wait, what's Giambi's batting average right now, I think I'm on to something here…

In somewhat unrelated news, Bill Buckner made an appearance at the Sox home opener in Fenway and was somehow not attacked by anything, neither animal nor human. Of course, had this hawk still been around for Opening Day I'm thinking any attempt to injure Mr. Buckner would've just resulted in having the bird miss it's mark and fly right through his legs anyway… And while we're on the subject of attacks, what happened to Tampa Bay reliever Al Reyes the other night? From the looks of things Al got involved in some kind of fracas at a local bar and had to be subdued via taser! Don't Tase me bro! Don't Tase the Rays!…

Bixler and Bocock? Are these rookie National League shortstops or is this a personal injury law firm? I really can't tell… I don't know about you but I can't wait for Dodgers backup infielder Chin-Lung Hu to get a start at first base. Then we can finally answer the damn question of "Who's On First". Why that's easy, Hu's on first. Right. Who? Hu. Right. What? No, what's taking over for Bixler at short… I read somewhere that St. Louis reserve outfielder Brian Barton graduated from the University of Miami with a degree in aeronautical engineering. Is this right? If so. I now understand why Tony LaRussa keeps him around. Because sometimes, baseball strategy can get so hard to figure out that you need someone educated to help. Like for example, where do I bat the pitcher in a 9 man order? Well, some folks will tell you that you don't need a rocket scientist to figure that out. But what if you did? Well, lucky for Tony, he's got one at the end of the bench…

J.J. Putz is currently on the disabled list with an ailment called "costcochondritis". Now what in the name of Kevin Kelly team names is this? Because without having a dictionary or Brian Barton handy, it sounds a lot like "fear of shopping at Costco". Well if this is the case, what's keeping Putz out of the bullpen? Just get this man a BJ's or Sam's Club card and let's get him back in there!… I've been thinking about this next topic and I can finally say I understand exactly what The Joba (Chamberlain) Rules are: (1) avoid bright lights, (2) do not get him wet, and (3) whatever you do, never, ever, pitch him after midnight…

Finally, I leave you with this to consider… What do Jessica Rabbit and Hideki's Matsui's wife have in common? They're not bad, they're just drawn that way!

April 6th, 2008

For our first entry of the season, here's this year's gallery of Draft Day photos, a series I like to call "Draft Pics". Click on any picture to see a bigger version of it. Then again, why you'd want to see any of these guys in higher definition is beyond me, but hey, whatever floats your boat!

I'll be back later in the week with some comments on the early season play thus far, but for now, enjoy the pics...

Click here to read previous "News and Notes" installments...