Great singing everyone, I could really feel the raw emotion and pain in your voice, especially you guys who own Carlos Lee, Brandon Wood, Javy Vazquez and Gavin Floyd! Please join me again in late May as we cross into June, when we'll shelve the power ballad and return with a peppy song by alternative band Panic At The Disco for all the teams in the second division with a batting average under .250 and an ERA above 4.50...

April 28th, 2010

For some reason I thought I was holding my newspaper upside down this morning, but no, a quick check of the rest of my breakfast orientation (Upright bagel? Check. Coffee still in the cup? Confirmed.) shows me that this whole "Mets are in first place" thing is actually for real! I even clicked my heels and said "there's no place like home" but still, here I am and the "PHI" is still under the "NYM" in the standings. Looking around I see no white rabbits, mad hatters or evil queens. Of course, that Cheshire Cat guy is sometimes invisible so there's still a chance he shows up over my shoulder with some riddle like "what position will Daniel Murphy play when he returns" or "why does Oliver Perez insist on giving me agita by walking the pitcher on 4 straight pitches?". Speaking of cats from Cheshire I have one more riddle for everyone: "What is Jim Kalach doing in first place?" The answer, and other stories at 11 on WFSB Eyewitness News...

I also made sure I told myself to "wake up" a few extra times, just in case Freddy Krueger was about to shred my sports section and dispel this latest dream I might be having. The Mets are in first place? Surely, this is a nightmare, for Phillies fans at least. On a side note, how good does this "Nightmare on Elm Street" remake look? And you all realize who that is playing Freddy don't you? Yes, it's Kelly Leak himself of "Bad News Bears" fame! Lupus and the Mexican twins better not fall asleep in the dugout. Well, the actor's name is Jackie Earle Haley and I sure hope those Mexican boys have their immigration papers handy when they get to the Arizona Fall League, but I digress...

Staying with the "this must be a B horror movie I've found myself in" theme I even went so far as to look in the mirror and said "Candyman" three times. Not only were there no signs of John Candelaria or Sammy Davis Jr, but the fact remained that 12 - 9 is still a half game (and .021 percentage points) better than 11 - 9. Well I guess there's no denying, at least for the morning, that I'm rooting for a first place team right now! Wow, what do I do here? It's been so long. Perhaps you Yankee fans can help me out? Oh never mind, you guys are a little busy trying to get your own newspapers in the right position. Sorry folks, this ain't no Rubik's Cube. No matter which way you turn it, you can't get the NYY on top of the TAM, at least for now...

April 26th, 2010

With Mike Cameron's kidney stone total still well above his RBI total and Jacoby Ellsbury's ribs more tender than a rack at Tony Roma's the Red Sox OF troubles continue to mount as I see they have yet another new guy starting in center field tonight. The latest fly catcher to peddle his wares goes by the name of Jonathan Van Every, recently acquired (re-acquired actually) from the Pittsburgh Pirates.

A sneak peak at tonight's line up card reveals even more changes. Flanking "Every" in center, we've got "All Of Them" in left field and a guy named "Each" starting in right. The double play combination is "Some" (SS) to the newest Chinese phenom "Too Few" (2B) to the light hitting "Zilch" (1B). The battery is made up of recovering alcoholic catcher "Bar None" and taking the mound for the first time this season, rookie "Not So Much"; who was recently acquired from the Mets! Did I miss anyone? What's that you ask? "How Many"? Third base...

Deepest apologies to the estates of Abbott and Costello, please don't sue me.

One more unrelated thought, well unrelated to this post but related to the previous two instead. Intentional Walt has sent in the following, in the style of "Tonight Show" psychic Carnac The Magnificent. Please note that this came to me in a hermetically sealed envelope:

Question: What happens when you coat your Gillette Trac XXIII with Turtle Wax?

For those of you who are wondering, yes, Walt will be here until Thursday! He asks that you try the malt wine, remember to tip your waitress and please drive home safely...

April 25th, 2010

Ed Koval writes in to comment on my last post in which I bring up the idea of having a team's coaches eligible to play in long running extra inning games. Ed expands on the idea by wondering why we don't just allow any and all team personnel to play? Most notably, calling down the team announcers from the booth to pitch in (or bat) as well. These are Ed's own words below, not my own, so consider them an "Ed-dendum" to my last post. Thanks Ed!

The idea of bringing in managers and coaches certainly would add to the game. But why stop there? I say when all else fails and you've run out of coaches how about making a call up to the press box and letting broadcasters and in-studio reports have their shot?

Imagine having Ron Darling come in to pitch an inning or perhaps seeing Keith Hernandez at first because we all know that Ike Davis doesn't have the stamina yet to last 22 innings. Heck, I'm watching the Texas Rangers right now on MLB Extra innings and they have Steve Busby on their post-game show.

Now there's a guy I'd like to see put on the uniform again. Imagine a 20+ inning inter-league game between the Giants and Royals and now you have Mike Krukow pitching against Paul Splitorff. Or how about a Rockies/Diamondbacks game where George Fraizer has to come in to face Mark Grace?

And if you really want to reach...perhaps you get the front office involved in the game. Isn't Ed Lynch still working for the Cubs?

April 23rd, 2010

For some reason that I can't explain, I've yet to comment on that 20-inning Mets-Cardinals game from last week. Trying to find a new angle that no one else has delved into already is kind of tough but read on, as I might be on to something cool here...

I think if games go this long and teams run out of players then the coaches should be allowed to enter the game at that point. How exciting would that have been? Top of the 19th, runner on 1st and one out and here comes batting coach Howard Johson in to pinch hit, with first base coach Razor Shines stretching himself out and getting ready to pinch run should HoJo get on base, and possibly finally score that first run of his brief MLB career. Obscure trivia question/answer: Razor Shines holds the record for the most career games played by a non-pitcher who never scored a run. Shines played 68 games for he Montreal Expos from 1983 - 1987. Alas, Johnson grounds into a double play, executed flawlessy by a trio of Cardinal coaches with previous infield MLB experience, shortstop/third base coach Jose Oquendo (and what Mets fan doesn't love this guy?) to second baseman/first base coach Dave McKay (a Toronto and Oakland mainstay in the late 70s and early 80s) to none other than a slimmed down steroids, oops, batting coach Mark McGwire at first base. Tinkers to Evers to Chance this is not, but you know what, these guys are almost as old!

Cut to McGwire leading off the 22nd inning, with Mets pitching coach Dan Warthen taking the hill. No this is not Old Timers Day, this is the 22nd inning, what else are we going to do, bring in K-Rod in a non-save situation, egads! Warthen pitched for the Expos, Phillies and Astros in his brief major league career from 1975 - 1978, accumulating a 12 - 21 won/loss record with an ERA of 4.31 and 224 strikeouts in 307 innings. Wait a minute, this guy's a pitching coach! Never mind, he's on the mound in a tie game, let's just focus but will whoever's still left on the bench pick up that black phone and put the "bullpen" back into bullpen coach Randy Niemann's career (2 - 3, 3.35 in 40 IPs with the Mets in 1985 and 1986).

McGwire grounds out 5 - 3 to the ex-Twins infielder, now Mets third base coach Chip Hale who's in to play third. Warthen then gets a very tired Pujols to chase a breaking ball in the dirt, finally coaxes a flyout out of former mediocre catcher turned pitching coach extraordinaire Dave Duncan and we're on to the 23rd where none other than Jerry Manuel himself is scheduled to lead off the inning and become the first Mets manager to pinch hit since Joe Torre back in 1976. By the way, Manuel also played for the Expos in a brief 127 AB major league career, giving the team at least three coaches with ties to the Expos from what I can tell. Hmm? Team coaches with limited major league experience for that juggernaut of a franchise from The Great White North? Maybe I'm on to something else here...

Speaking of Torre, I hear the Dodgers are in town soon. Better get that scouting report on Mattingly, I heard he can't quite turn on that fastball the way he used too and is that Manny Mota on the coaching staff? Uh-oh, if anyone's gonna come off the bench cold after not hitting for 28 years and get a clutch pinch hit, he's your man. Flashing back and closing this with a famous line from the movie "Airplane"; "Now batting for Pedro Borbon, Manny Mota... Mota... Mota..."

April 21st, 2010

Some random notes with a musical theme to them...

First up, perusing the membership of the Cincinnati Reds bullpen we find rookie reliever Logan Ondrusek, whose name is quite similar to that of John Ondrasik, the one man band otherwise know as Five For Fighting, whose song "Superman (It's Not Easy)" was a huge hit back in 2000, when young Logan was just 15 years old mind you:

I'm only a man, in Cin-cin-na-ti

Next on my list, Denard Span's recently attempted matricide from Spring Training deserves it's own moment in song, sung to the tune of that famous Fountains Of Wayne hit from 2003, when a 19 year old Denard was probably still struggling to remember to send a Mother's Day card:

Denard Span's mom has got it going on

Some background to serve as a setup for my final item of the day... The french word "sans" is the same as the English word "without". So with that in mind we move to Texas where the Rangers have already decided to switch ninth inning specialists, deposing Frank Francisco and replacing him with Neftali Feliz. And to commemorate this event we turn to that fine Scott McKenzie tune from 1967 about the city by the bay, a mere 21 years before Neftali was born and only 12 years before the birth of Frank...

If you're going "Sans" Francisco

April 20th, 2010

Well it's that time of year again folks, or should I say that time of the month? Well, same month, different year, but yes, another major league player has been caught using fertility drugs which means one of two things. Either said player is prepping for an upcoming role in the latest Broadway revival of La Cage Aux Folles or we've got ourselves another fool getting caught "ped"-handed with some illegal drugs once again!

Our 2nd Annual "Who Got Caught Cheating This April" award goes to the Reds Edinson Volquez, the proud owner of a 50-game suspension. Last season it was Manny Ramirez, in Los Angeles, with the female reproductive drugs. This season, Mr. Volquez, in Cincinnati, with the male version of a fertility drug. Hey at least he had the common decency to get the gender right (so ix-nay on my La Cage Aux Folles premise, eh?) and try to cover it up with the flimsy excuse that he wanted to have more children. Now on the surface that's a very viable alibi. However, closer inspection shows us that this is Major League Baseball we're talking about, not the NFL or the NBA and that the subject in question has resided in just one city for his short career. Now if you try to sell me this excuse for Antonio Cromartie of the New York Jets (something like 6 kids in 5 different states with 5 different women) or former NBA star and proliferate child producer Shawn Kemp, then OK, those are truly some enchanced performances, but no; sorry Edinson, your piece may be selling, but no one's buying...

From The Ballpark at Arlington to Menlo Park. Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb but his namesake-with-an-extra-N, Mr. Edinson Volquez certainly could use a new filament, eh? The light bulb obviously did not go off in this young man's head when he chose to cheat. Thomas Edison, genius. Edinson Volquez, idiot.

April 14th, 2010

Hello everyone, good day and welcome to the 2010 fantasy baseball season! We ready to get this party started? For the first entry of the season in my new focused "write a little bit about a single topic" format (they should call this a "blog"! Yeah, great idea!) I'd like to present the following to all the loyal Mets fans in the league. Without further ado, here's your 2010 Buffalo Bisons starting rotation...

R.A. Dickey, Dillon Gee, Pat Misch, Tobi Stoner and Bobby Livingston

Yes, these are the guys down in AAA that will be the saviors when (not if) Santana and the 4 Dwarfs can't get the job done. So with apologies to Princess Leia and Obi-Wan Kenobi this is our "only hope" should the rotation falter? Stoner, Dickey, Gee, Bobby and Pat? Sounds more like the cast of a 1950's era coming-of-age teen movie than it does a major league ready rotation! "Porky's 4: Winging It In Buffalo" anyone?

Honestly, I can't wait until June when the team's buried in 4th place, just a few games ahead of the Washington Nationals and they call up Tobi to pitch the first game of a double-header, which will then be followed by a Snoop Dogg post-game concert on what was originally scheduled to be Dominican Night, but someone very creative in the marketing department has now turned into Stoner Fest 2K10! Come on, you know the potential market for a Mets "Stoner" jersey is almost endless! Parents who remember Woodstock, grandparents on the medicinal Mary Jane, teenagers who, while not having tried the Wacky Weed quite yet, just saw "Reefer Madness" for the first time and yes even the "dazed and confused" young siblings. Gotta make those Stoner jerseys in all sizes from 2T to 2XL baby. Of course the concession stand's going to need to stock up on chips, cookies and Cheetos for this game, but that's just logistics.

One final thought here before I go over my new self-imposed word limit... Maybe, just maybe, I've come up with a great revenue generating plan that will finally make the Wilpons forget that Bernie made off with all their cash, and give them the financial wherewithal to get the team a #2 starter that they so desperately need. Let's end this entry with a quick chorus of "One Toke Over The (Foul) Line", shall we? Gee, give me a beat. Bobby and Pat you got backing vocals. Hey Dickey give me some room man! Omar, can you pass the Cheez Wiz...