Hello everybody and welcome to Week 2! Actually, it's April 15th as I'm writing this, so has everyone done their taxes? Oh well, guess it'll be too late by the time this gets to you anyway. What's that? No, I really don't think you're allowed to claim your backup middle infielder as a dependant! And yes, I agree that perhaps there should be a tax credit for carrying a Rockies pitcher (or two), but I just don't want to risk things by claiming both Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle on my return. Not to mention the instant audit that gets triggered for all owners of Jose Jimenez…

While we may not all have had enough time to finish our taxes, what I do think we have quite enough of right now is injured superstars! I mean the big guys are dropping like flies! And what exactly do flies drop like anyway? Guess we'll have to save that for another column… Where was I? Oh yes, injured superstars… Ken Griffey, Edgar Martinez, Juan Gonzalez, Mo Vaughn, Roberto Hernandez. Roberto Hernandez? Oops wrong list. Scratch that last one… Notice how none of the guys listed above are Detroit Tigers? That's because, with an 0 - 11 start, they don't have any superstars to get injured. Although I hear that Bobby Higginson has tried to gnaw off his leg after this horrendous start. So now in Detroit, it's manager Phil "Scrap Iron" Garner to the scrap heap and say hello to Luis "no relation to Albert" Pujols, your new Tigers skipper. Luis Pujols? As in former Astros backup catcher? I always wondered what happened to that guy! I thought perhaps Tony Eusebio just swallowed him one game and took over the catching duties in Houston…

And what is it about catchers that make them all become managers someday? Has anyone else noticed this phenomenon? Besides Pujols there's Jerry Narron in Texas, Jeff Torborg in Florida, Bob Boone in Cincinnati and of course Joe Torre in New York. Just look at all of the catchers we drafted this season in the 22nd and 23rd rounds and I can almost guarantee you at least four of them become big league managers someday. Odd? Must have something to do with having the ability to sit in a squat (that's "squat", not "Quat", don't get all excited there Dougie!) for a complete game… I can hear the crowd now, cheering for Brent Mayne as he comes out of the dugout to make a pitching change…

So we reach the 12 games played mark in the season and still we have no Yankees games on Cablevision! Which begs me to ask the age old question. Just like that old falling tree in the forest, if the Yankees win (theeeee Yankees win!) and nobody's watching on TV, does it count? About the only way people here are getting to see the Yanks is to go out and get themselves hooked up with DirectTV. Which, I am happy to report, your Commish has just recently acquired! Not only do I get all the Yankee games, I also have the package where you get a whole bunch of out-of-town games as well, like eight or nine a night! So note to all you fellow owners, I am currently running an "all you can eat, all you can watch" baseball special. Just $9.95 gets you your choice of entrée, vegetable, dessert and all the baseball you can remotely control your way through from 5PM - midnight. I figure with all the starving Yankee fans out there I should make just enough money to cover my expenses. The expenses to pay for my divorce proceedings, that is…

Do my eyes deceive me or are the Cleveland Indians off to an 11 - 1 start? Who do they think they are, the Islanders? Led by C.C. "Music Factory" Sabathia, the pitcher that makes you go "hmmm", and Bartolo "Semi" Colon, the Tribe is now sitting atop the AL Central in what was supposed to be something of a rebuilding season. No one expected this! Of course I think now I might be on to the reason why Mr. Finley was the victim of some recent spousal abuse. Now I could be wrong but do you think Tawny Kitaen might have placed a bet or two against her husband's rather mediocre team? Like I said things that make you go hmmm…

And if things weren't already bad enough in Detroit, we hear the news this week that the Motor City's favorite son, rock star/rapper Kid Rock is going to wed Pamela Anderson! Well there's one quick way to get yourself a nice case of Hepatitis C! Hope Kid's got all his shots… Sorry for the tangent there, just had to get that off my chest. Speaking of chests, did you hear that Pamela Anderson's gonna marry… Oh wait, I already went there. OK, next paragraph…

Went to my first Mets game this past Sunday and when I got there I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the club was having a 40th birthday party for their mascot, Mr. Met! I'm seriously not kidding about this one folks. They had a whole bunch of other mascots in attendance. Among the guests were Bernie The Brewer, The Pittsburgh Parrot, The Lion With The Crown On His Head from The Royals (talk about your H.R. Puf'N'Stuff rejects!) and the San Diego Padre. Sadly, the Phillie Phanatic couldn't make it, he got beat up by his wife on the drive over and had to cancel. Anyway, before the game they were letting kids on the field to play with the mascots and wouldn't you know it, the San Diego mascot (yes folks, "padre" is Spanish for "priest", or close enough) was chasing a bunch of young boys all over the diamond… Will somebody please let the St. Louis Cardinal know about this one…

Well once again it's time to leave, got to go put the finishing touches on my tax return and get a final bid in on Luis Gonzalez' chewed gum before the auction ends… 'til next week…

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