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I'm real glad I waited 'til Wednesday night to write this week's column! Because if I had written it on Monday as usual, I would've had to wait a week to write about the latest saga in the annals of the Gamboa crime family… Yes, once again, it's Royals versus Chisox at Comiskey, and yes, once again it's some liquored up white trash fan racing on the field and attacking someone! Only this time it was a lone attacker, no pubescent son in tow, and the object of the attack wasn't the first base coach but rather the first base umpire, a fine fellow named Laz Diaz, no relation to Einar far as I know. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for attacking umpires from time to time (especially if it's Richie Phillips), but I've got a few questions here that need answers. First off, who's in charge of the security detail down the first base line at Comiskey, oh excuse me, U.S. Cellular Park? I sure hope it's not the same guy who's in charge of watching the Iraq/Syrian border! My next question, what is it about the Royals coming to town that's stirring up all this anger and aggression towards non-players standing near first base? Does the color royal blue mean anything to you amateur psychologists out there? And perhaps an even more important question, exactly how much does it cost to sit in the field boxes at Comiskey? Because I'm telling you, if any old trailer park residing fan (and his son!) can afford to sit down there, put me in for a strip of season tickets and a personal seat license! OK, we'll probably do some more schtick on passively aggressive Sox fans next week but let's move on for now, shall we, to talk about other redneck psychopaths. Yes, I'm talking about none other than Mr. Seven Train himself, John Rocker, who signed a AAA minor league contract with the Devil Rays. Man, talk about your Durham Bull! Nuke LaLoosh rides again! And speaking of Tim Robbins, oh never mind, the war's almost over and Tim and Susan Sarandon both look like fools so I'm not going to go there except to say that I feel bad the whole Bull Durham celebration at Cooperstown had to be cancelled because some left wing moron (sorry Tim this is baseball not hockey) decided he wanted to make peace, not war. Now I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but now that they've cancelled the Bull Durham tribute thing, are we ever going to see Arliss (Robert Wuhl) in public again? Besides, Mr. Robbins, if you're so intent on marrying your war protests to the sport of baseball, I've got two nice field level seats along the first baseline for Friday night's Sox/Royals game if you're interested… In a related story, following the attack on first base umpire Laz Diaz, all fans seated along the third base line stormed the Royals dugout and looted the clubhouse, carrying away bats, balls and precious historical objects like Freddie Patek's high chair and U.L. Washington's toothpick… Was it Bing Crosby who sang "I'll be hitting you, all the familiar aces…" or was that "seeing you in all the familiar places"? I have a hard time remembering song lyrics from the '40s? Perhaps Intentional Walt could help here? Let me tell you, it's quite strange seeing all these guys (Unit, Pedro, Zito, Oswalt et al) getting shelled in the same week! There's definitely nothing High about these Aces, unless of course we're talking ERA and WHIP. By the way, Greg Maddux has a new endorsement contract, I hear he's just signed a four commercial deal with Duraflame. And is that Curt Schilling or Curt Shelling by the way… Rey Ordonez update, .326, 10 RBI's. Not only is Rey-Rey hitting .326, but if he hit his normal .234, he'd still have the highest batting average on the hapless Detroit Tigers… The Royals are 10 - 2, leading the AL Central, and are now 2 - 0 lifetime in games involving fans arrested for assault and battery… For those of you who didn't already know, San Juan is Spanish for "Mets Suck!" And now for a quick ABBA lyric, sung to the tune of their hit "Fernando"; "home runs were flying in the air tonight, not pitching right, Armando!"… Switching over to basketball for a sec, is the WNBA really going on strike? Are the owners really threatening to shut down the season if a new collective bargaining agreement isn't reached by Friday? Is there really a team playing at the Mohegan Sun Casino? Calling Donald Fehr and Bud Selig! Can you get down there and see what can be done about this? No not the WNBA strike! I'm talking about Pete Rose at the Mohegan Sun… Oh by the way, thanks so much for cutting me some slack this week as the column is two days late, allowing me to bowl on Tuesday night. And what a Boghosian-like night I had by the way as The Commish shot games of 221, 277 and 233 for a very nice 731 series! Of course, the guy I was bowling against was no Parker Bohn, but I'll take it… Actually, I only heard complaints from 12 of the 16 teams about not having anything to read with their Tuesday morning coffee! Uh, fellows, there's this thing called a newspaper… Speaking of things to read, how about Brian Legere's Annual Week 2 Pitcher Rant? For those of you who may have missed it in your e-mail in-box, Brian's not happy with the state of his staff (not that Sarah's complaining, mind you. I know, don't go there, it's only Week 2)! After all, this is the same owner who at this time last season had already had one of his pitchers go on the DL because he was beaten up by his wife! No don't get confused with my misplaced modifier in the previous sentence, it was Chuck Finley's wife that beat up her husband, Sarah refrained from causing bodily harm to Brian, because, as I stated earlier, she was happy with the "state of his staff". So anyway, expecting more of the same this season Brian has wished bodily harm or worse on at least one of his pitchers in hope that he's able to make a few changes this week. Well, as they say, ask and you shall receive! Dave Veres has gone on the disabled list and rumour has it, Tawny Kitaen's looking for that money that Brian owes her… And speaking of Brian and owing money, I hear there's a little side bet going down between the Pitcher Hater and Intentional Walt. There's lunch on the line and Brian's got to buy if Kevin Millar hits 25 homers this season and Walt's buying if Millar goes under-25. Well Millar's already got 3 thus far, so I hear Walt's making reservations at the Maryland Crab House! Hold on, that's a restaurant, not a "den of inequity", Brian's already got enough trouble handling his staff… And speaking of bets, an update on the Kevin versus Kevin side bet as the Kevin surnamed Shanley's no-power, all-pitching team remains in 2nd place, which if the season ended today (and Shanley remained in 7th place or above) would mean that the Kevin surnamed Kelly would have to wear a Mo Vaughn jersey to next year's draft AND The Hat gets to name Kelly's team. Hey Kev, I got a suggestion, how's about "The I Ain't Got Joe Crede Because I Listened To The Commish and Took Frank Catalanotto Instead Blues"? Oh and might I point out that at the exact time I'm writing this, the guy Kevin got instead of Crede, Mark Teixeira, has just gone yard! And raising his batting average to .092 in the process I might add… The rest of that bet is that if Matt & The Hat finish in 11th place or lower, then Shanley comes to the draft "sans chapeau" (which Fred Sox Laberge will happily tell you is French for "without hat") and Kelly gets to name Shanley's team next season. So now that we've all been informed of the terms of this bet (nothing happens if Matt & The Hat finish in 8th through 10th), I'm now taking suggestions for team names for both these guys so that when the season ends, they'll have plenty of suggestions to choose from! Send me your best team name for either Kevin, or both, and I'll publish my favorites in next week's column… That's all for now folks, gotta go put a call in to the He-Man Yankee Hater's Club to see if I can find a way to pry a certain 3rd baseman from Don and Marc and keep my partner happy. Donnie Baseball, make me an offer I can't refuse! There's nothing worse than having your co-owner leave a voice mail for you every morning with Joe Crede's stats from the night before! Kev, you know I love you (not that there's anything wrong with that!), but as I friend, please allow me to say one thing: "psycho-therapy". Seems to be working for Tony Soprano, might be a little "Dr. Melfi" left for you as well… 'til next week…
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