From our opening song, let's move over to television, where the recent success of Donald Trump's "The Apprentice" has The Commish thinking about starting a little reality show of his own. Yes folks, we're gonna call this one "The Assistant" and on this show, 16 finalists, chosen from a field of thousands of applicants, will be whittled down one-by-one until just one remains! And the last person left standing, the one who's never heard the phrase "You're Waived!" said to him, will become The Assistant Commissioner for one full season! Sounds like a great job, doesn't it? Well it won't be easy to win, because just like on The Apprentice, the contestants must perform weekly feats and challenges which will separate the men from the boys. Exactly what types of "feats of strength" must those desiring an apprenticeship with your truly perform? Well try these tasks out for size:

So what do you think? Will it work? Or are these too tough? Somebody get Mark Burnett on the phone! I want to start waiving people…

The winner of this week's "I Want Ugie" Sweepstakes was Down Goes Zimmer as the Brothers Flinn were fortunate enough to be the lowest team in the standings with a pitcher in the minors or injured. The banishing of Rafael Soriano allowed the acquisition of Ugueth Urbina and now if you'll excuse me, I need to untangle my tongue from that last alliteritive sentence… OK, much better now, let's see "She sells seashells by the seashore", yep, I'm fine! Congrats to DGZ (Down Goeth Zim) for fine positioning, but I have to ask, why did The Marquis De Fred, currently in last place, reserve Andy Pettitte last week instead of holding him for this week when he would have been assured of Ugie (ouch my tongue again)? Guess we'll never know. And one other thing I'm glad we'll never know about - earlier in the week, when it appeared he might have a shot at Urbina if he only had an injured pitcher, Brian Legere threatened to send Feech Lamanna over to the Metrodome to go all Dave Dravecky on Kyle Lohse! Man, that could've gotten ugly! Thanks goodness Feech has a soft spot for plasma televisions, eh?…

What else is going on? I hear Ray Boyce is still so buried in his Racing Form that he tried to trade for Richard Hidalgo this week thinking he was the racing horse from that new Viggo Mortensen movie… I see that poor Raul Mondesi is basically playing for free as the Pirates have been garnishing his paycheck so he can pay a huge six figure debt he owes to one of his former coaches. As a matter of fact, Raul is so upset about the Pirates withholding his pay, that he's demanded a trade, to Brian Legere's Lost In Rotation squad… Leafing this week's Variety magazine, I see that injured Rockies outfielder Larry Walker is all set to star with Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osment in the sequel to The Sixth Sense as "he sees dead people", in his backyard that is! So that's where Armado Reynoso wound up, isn't it?…

So which would you rather be right now, the new Twins catcher or the new leader of Hamas? (Neither of whom are buried in Larry Walker's backyard by the way) About the same chance of getting injured there, isn't it? Although one might be a little more "career threatening" than the other I guess… So how soon before we see Andy Fox pinch-hitting for Dontrelle Willis again? Dontrelle's only like 6 for 6 with a homer this season. Any chance he's got second/short eligibility… Let me guess, a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon again, right? Well then congratulation to the Nets power forward, I didn't know he was such a good distance runner! Although after watching Mr. Martin run the break with Jason Kidd I probably should've had a clue… Favorite "pet" names I've heard for new Padres stadium Petco Park thus far, The Dog Pound, Animal House and when David Wells is pitching, The Litter Box…

Please tell me the Mets weren't really swept by the Pirates this past weekend and that it was all just a made up Disney movie starring Johnny Depp as Jason Kendall and Geoffrey Rush as Kris Benson? Please! And forget about The Curse of the Black Pearl. I think the Mets bullpen is suffering from a Curse of the Black Jersey! Especially after that 18 - 10 loss in Week One against the Braves when David Weathers gave up that long TD pass from JD Drew to Andruw Jones then Mike Stanton allowed Marcus Giles to sweep in for the 2 point conversion… Does anyone else think they'd be surprised if Barry Bonds hits lifetime home run #666, then instantly disintegrates into a pillar of salt! Sorry, Barry, time's up, there's some guy named Lucifer here, claims you had a little too much B12 in that human growth hormone…

Now from the depths of hell, let's move to heaven for a second while we discuss Johnny Damon. I'm sure you've all already read everywhere how Damon's hair and beard makes him look like he's The Second Coming and all. But how come no one has yet mentioned the truly strange occurrence that Damon was injured last Friday (Good Friday mind you), and then three days later (yes, making it Easter Sunday), he was pronounced "fit to play"? Injured on Good Friday and three days later he's risen to play again? Does no one else find this extremely eerie? And if I may ask Doug and Neil a question about this? Do you even believe Johnny Damon exists? Or are you still waiting for Boston's center fielder to come out of the dugout?

And on that quasi-religious note, I'm going to call it a night and go to sleep. But not before uttering a small prayer of course. "As I lay me down to sleep, I beg the Lord my bullpen to keep. Oh and if you really need a fifth starter, please feel free to take anyone from my staff with an ERA over 7 and a Ratio greater than 1.5 off of my folded hands as well." That's all for now, don't forget about the Yankees-Sox redux this week with three at the Stadium. Let's hope someone takes two so we can all enjoy another round of Meatloaf karaoke! 'til next week…