Welcome to Week 2 everyone, hope you're all enjoying the season thus far! I know one person who's definitely not enjoying himself right now, and that's Barry Bonds (and probably anyone who drafted him)! Hitting just .174 as this column went to press and still sitting on zero homers (as in nada, zilch, zip), it looks like Barry could use a little pick-me-up. Well, they always say it's good to sing when you're depressed, raisea the spirits up a bit. So for the first time this season, let's fire up the karaoke machine in The Commish's Office and sing along with Huey Lewis as he attempts to help cure Barry of those "I'm homerless, the Feds are after me, Bud Selig hates me and the XFL got better ratings than my reality show" blues…

I want a new drug

One that won't make me sick
One that let's me hit the ball real far
Give me back my whuppin' stick

I want a new drug

One that won't swell my head
So that on my show I'll no longer cry
That made my eyes too red

One that won't make me pregnant

Or make me bleat out "Moo!"
One that works for Giambi and for Gary Sheffield too

I want a new drug

That's what I need
One that's neither cream nor clear
But is more like flax seed

I want a new drug

To make the Feds go away
On that won't keep me up all night
Worrying about per-jur-ray

One that won't shrink my testes

Make them small and blue
One that makes me hit like I did back in '02

I want a new drug

One that does what it should
One that won't make me look so bad
One that won't want to write a book

I want a new drug

One with no doubt
One that won't give me more bone chips
Or make my back break out

One that can't be detected

By BALCO or Bud's crew
I promise I'll stop taking it as soon as I catch Ruth
{saxophone solo then fade out}

So from Barry being not so happy, how about we turn the tables and talk about those M-E-T-S (Mets! Mets! Mets!) who have their manager Willie Randolph absolutely ecstatic right now. Sitting at 9 - 2 atop the NL East there's nothing not to like about this team. David Wright, Jose Reyes, Pedro's toe is fine, even putting the "X" in Xavier Nady! Well OK, as Bret Michaels' once sang, every rose has its thorn, and they've got some weeds in the bullpen. The biggest one of course being none other than Jorge Julio, the man obtained in the Kris Benson trade that left a lot of Mets fans shaking their heads. With an ERA in the upper 20s (a cool spring night in Green Bay, Wisconsin by the way), Jorge's the "gasoline" that makes the bullpen car go.

If the front office at Shea is not sure exactly how to celebrate this fast start, I say the Mets have a few early season "promotional" nights. The first one can be "Pin The Tail On The Bullpen" night. During the 7th inning stretch they blind fold Jorge Julio, spin him around six or seven times as the crowd counts, then place him on the median of the Van Wyck Expressway and have him try to find his way back to the bullpen… Then assuming he survives that (hope he played "Frogger" as a kid!), the next night it's "Stoning Night" at Shea and we're not talking about smoking a Doobie here, brother. No, instead each fan attending the game that night will receive a medium sized rock upon entering. Then in the 8th inning they bring Julio in on the bullpen car and everyone gets a chance to throw their stones at him. The kids would love it! Please Mr. Minaya, get rid of this guy before it's too late. You can bring back Benson, either Anna or Kris, either one would do. Matter of fact, if Robert Guillaume's not busy these days, we'd take that Benson instead!…

So I'm reading Sports Illustrated last week and I see art imitating life once again. Remember last week how I was advocating changing Rivera's entrance music from "Enter Sandman" to more docile "Mr. Sandman"? Well guess what? It appears the folks in charge of music over at Coors Field messed up their closers music in almost that very vein! Brian Fuentes, who usually comes in to something by the hard rock group Staind (Kevin Kelly can you enlighten us here?), instead entered the game during his first appearance to the power chords of Y.M.C.A.! Can you say "oops"! We're still trying to ascertain the truth of the rumor that as soon as Fuentes left the bullpen the Yankees grounds crew came out of the dugout and proceeded to rake the Coors Field infield (and for no additional travel charge mind you!)… So the Red Sox placed Coco Crisp on the DL last week and called up Count Chocula from Pawtucket. For you see, Boo Berry had just pitched two innings of relief the night before against Norfolk and the Sox had left Captain Crunch back in extended spring training to work on his swing along with Hee Seop Chex…

Yes, I have to admit, I was "this" close to making a cereal killer pun there at the end of that last paragraph but since it's real early in the season I held back. Besides, we've already done enough "cheese" for the night with the Huey Lewis song parody! So getting back to business what's with all the home runs!? Are the pitchers really missing the "greenies" already? Guys, Dunkin Donuts Extra-Large, milk and sugar, it has the same effect, trust me… So Chris Shelton has 9 home runs already (yes, I know, who the heck is Chris Shelton!), Albert Pujols had a run of 4 home runs in 4 at-bats (and none against Brad Lidge mind you!), and pitcher Bronson Arroyo has out-homered the man he was traded for, Wily Mo Pena by a count of 2 home runs to 1 thus far! I want a new drug indeed! I'm not sure there's anything wrong with the old ones the way things are playing out thus far. Paging George Mitchell, Senator George Mitchell, will you please pick up a white courtesy phone. It's LabCorp on the line and they've got that urine sample you wanted from Detroit…

By the way, Wily Mo Pena needs Wily Mo Practice in the field, did you see this guy try to play the outfield last week? F***k you, Jobu, I'll do it myself! Make Canseco look like Brooks Robinson I tell ya… Check out the free agent listings for our league and you'll find that Jamie Moyer is the top strikeout king on the board with 14Ks, Todd Pratt is amongst the steals leaders left on the board and some Putz has two saves already and no one's picked him up yet.

Before I leave you for another week let's take a quick trip around the Monty. Speaking of free agents, I see Walt has a few guys hurting in Griffey and Casey. Should we just pencil him in for Bubba Crosby and Andy Phillips do you think? Because we all know you can never have enough Yankees, especially if you're the Intentional Walts. And he's already got Bobby Crosby so why not Bubba? We could let him add Bing Crosby next week and make it a trifecta… Looking to the latest standings we find, what's this? Alex in first place!! Yes my fellow owners, once again, we're all being beat by a seven year old… Turning the standings upside down I see Urine Trouble and Brian Legere, let me be the first to say "yes, you're in trouble"! A minus 26 in the 2nd week of the season has you in dead last, a mere 26 ½ points out of 15th place. Well at least you'll have first dibs on the pickings of the free agent list for a few weeks. So that'll be Moyer, Pratt and Putz, right? Sounds like an accounting firm. Speaking of…

Well that's about all the space I've got for this week. Got to go fix the margins on this thing so it remains a two-pager, post the stats then make sure I mail out that tax check to the great state of New Jersey before the clock strikes midnight. Can you say "Post Office run"? Somebody start up the bullpen car… 'til next week…

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