We'll continue the season with our blog-type columns. Whenever the mood strikes, be it stats night on Monday, the middle of a West Coast game on Wednesday night, or maybe even a Friday morning before I leave for work, I'll come here and post entries. Sometimes it will be a paragraph or two, sometimes longer.

I'll make sure I put a date on everything so you can easily tell what's new from what you may have already read. So feel free to come to this page often, or continue checking in once a week as the stats update, to check out and catch up on the latest entries in what I hope to be a season long blog.

If anyone else has anything to contribute, I'll be more than happy to post it here, with all credit given to the author of course. And if we get one of our infamous 20+ reply e-mail threads going, I may also opt to copy that into this space as well so it's saved for all posterity.

May 27th, 2008

Happy Memorial Day to everyone, the holiday (not Matt) where we pause to remember our fallen heroes, those who fought so bravely for us in the past and perhaps perished doing so. Some are etched in our memories and some are long forgotten but all deserve to be recalled and remembered fondly on this day. I'm thinking about the pitchers on my last championship team back in 2003, how about you?

So while John takes "pitchers in the Gulf War for $400", Charlie continues his lone wolf chant of "L-A-A" and Kevin Kelly tries to figure out a way to avoid having his babies grow up to be dead TV show cowboys, let's take a look at the top of the league standings. Where we find the proverbial "lunatic in the grass", a man who's "comfortably numb" with his recent success. The rest of us better "run like hell" because I'm telling you that you "don't need no education" to hang with this guy. All in all he's just another brick in the wall, ladies and gentlemen I present to you, the newest league leader, John Wrobel and his Pink Roid squad! {gentle applause of the "golf clap" variety and much clinging of glasses ensues}. Man I thought we'd see pigs fly before we saw Wrobel leading the baseball league, but color me Pink Floyd, I'm breaking out my "Animals" LP because it's obvious the pigs are on the wing and Mr. Pink has his team on a roll! I know what you're thinking John. You're asking why do I have to be Mr. Pink? Well for the answer to that I refer you to IMDB.COM and the memorable quotes section for the movie "Reservoir Dogs"…

And what a violent movie that was, no? Perhaps not as violent though as St. Louis Cardinals hit man Albert Pujols who should've been arrested for assault and battery this past week. Actually, make that "assault of a battery", and we're not talking Duracell here. Albert lined a shot off of San Diego pitcher Chris Young's face knocking him out of the game and later on in the contest his slide into home plate and the ensuing collision sent Padre catcher Josh Bard to the disabled list as well! One pitcher, check. One catcher, check. Battery demolition complete. Pujols smash! Hulk got nothing on Albert! Now where's that bat boy? And when I'm finished with him I'm going after the 3rd base line ball girl too… But at least no one got their ear cut off! "Stuck in the middle with you…" As if that carnage wasn't bad enough, the walking wounded Padres then had to endure an 18 inning game against the Reds on Sunday night. Where fittingly enough they managed to find a way to win when the AAA pitcher that was brought up to replace Young pitched 6 innings of fine relief to hold down the fort (apache) when the rest of the staff was sorely depleted. Hey maybe someone over there in SD needs to send a little FTD bouquet to Mr. Pujols, eh? Hulk like smelling pretty flowers…

Any chance they managed to include Shea Stadium in that Grand Theft Auto IV video game? If they did can I get an Uzi and a sawed-off shotgun to take out some of my frustration? Note to Willie Randolph: It really doesn't matter what color you are. Pick anyone you want. Here, I'm looking at a box of Crayola 64's in front of me. You can be the black crayon, the white one, the purple one, or one of the freakin' ones called burnt sienna, periwinkle or neon carrot, your choice. Heck, you can change your name to Roy G. Biv Hobbs and it still wouldn't make a bit of difference in how you're treated. You're in New York City. You win, we love you, you lose, we hate you, it's really that simple and straightforward no need to dissect or analyze it anymore than that. Now quit yer whining and start yer winning! Same goes for you too Girardi, don't think we can't see you hiding behind Hank's leg down there…

Moving from New York, the City Of Chumps, to Boston, the City Of Champs, I see that the no-hitter factory is still up and running in Beantown where Jon Lester becomes the latest in a short line of young Red Sox pitchers to throw a no-hitter. Now knowing the local dialect I've got to assume a few cries of "Wicked Lester" rang out that night after the no-no, no? Well here's the irony of the thing. Wicked Lester is also the name of the first band that Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons were in. You know, the guys who form the backbone of the rock band Kiss? Well, where did they hail from? Yep that's right New York City. But if you guessed Detroit Rock City I'll give you points for originality…

So back to New York it is then as we find out soon what Big Brown can really do for us. Yes folks, its Triple Crown racing time at the Belmont Racetrack in Elmont, New York. So what gives with the extra "B"? Why not call it Elmont Racetrack? Or Belmont, New York? Maybe Ray Boyce can help us out here as that's his stomping grounds in case anyone's looking for a little pre-race Exacta Factor. I'll leave it up to our resident expert Ray the Walking Racing Form to let us know if we're going to see the first Triple Crown winner since Affirmed in 1978, and maybe throw us all a bone of a long-shot pick to back-wheel perhaps?

What I really want to know is if we're going to be seeing the first baseball Triple Crown winner since Carl Yaz back in 1967? Josh "Way To Go" Hamilton of the (Walker) Texas Rangers is currently leading the AL in HRs and RBIs and just mere points out of the lead in batting average as well. You have to go all the way back-back-back to 1937 to find the last NL Triple Crown winner, played for the Cardinals and went by the name of Joe "Ducky" Medwick; no not the same character Jon Cryer played in "Pretty In Pink". This season we've got the Astros Lance "Celot" Berkman leading the NL in HRs and RBIs and also just a few batting average points away from that lead, same deal as Hamilton. Matter of fact, in 1937, while Ducky was doing the best at the RBI, Average and Ding Thing, War Admiral won horse racing's Triple Crown as well. Other than that, there's never been a baseball and horse racing Triple Crown winner in the same year. Although, Ted Williams sandwiched his 1947 AL Triple Crown around two horses who did the Trip trip; Assault in 1946 and Citation in 1948…

Now Josh Hamilton, as we all know by now, was acquired by trade and while he's managed to find much success for his new team the guy that was traded for him, Edinson Volquez, has been the Cincinnati Reds best pitcher all season. A loss after being pressed into Midnight Duty in that 18-inning game on Sunday night notwithstanding. Volquez obviously goes to the Belmont School of Naming, adding an "n" into a perfectly good name like Edison. But while that trade certainly worked out for both teams did you read about the independent league pitcher named John "Don't Call Me Blue Moon" Odom who was traded for 10 baseball bats? I kid you not! Now there were some strange circumstances to this deal, most notably being the fact that the team that owned Odom's rights, the Calgary Vipers, couldn't get him through customs and into Canada so they figured they'd just cut bait and get whatever they could for him.

Apparently when asked what the team needed most instead of naming a position the manager thought that some new bats might be more appropriate (candlesticks make nice gifts)! But that they'd better make them maple bats mind you, none of that cheap stuff they've been passing off as a Louisville Slugger these days. "Back in my day they used real wood and made a real solid bat! We chopped down our own trees, cut the wood into shape with a pocketknife and chewed off the splinters with our teeth, and we liked it that way!" Now I'm pretty sure that this trade isn't going to benefit both teams like the Hamilton-Volquez deal. Matter of fact, my money's on the bats lasting longer than this John Odom kid… Neil can I get an over/under? Better yet, Neil can I get a confirmation that you were in no way involved in this deal? Because it really does smell like something you'd cook up. I'm pretty sure it wasn't my brother Brian because had it been we all would've heard about it in a nine paragraph e-mail treatise on how Odom could certainly help someone's WHIP but nothing beats the smell of a freshly cut maple bat on a fine spring morning in Richmond…

Like Rick may or may not have said to Sam in "Casablanca", play it again! For all the blown home run calls there have been this month, and there have been a rash of them that would make Jeffrey Maier proud, there's now momentum gaining to have instant replay become part of baseball. Not sure if I agree with this or not? I mean, of course they'd use it to determine home run calls. I guess it could also be used to help in certain fair/foul situations but where do you draw the line? For instance if it's used to determine whether or not a runner was safe at first base then I know for sure there's going to be a fight. The Runner's Union is certainly not going to stand for that at all. I mean, why would they want to give up "the tie goes to the runner" privileges? I'd think that if the tie no longer going to the runner was on the table then there would have to be something given back in return, wouldn't there? Like perhaps, would crying be allowed back in baseball if the call didn't go your way? Could you step on the foul line on your way in from the pitchers' mound and not spell certain doom for your team? Would the Rally Cap become outlawed? Would they use instant replay to see exactly how much dirt Lou Piniella kicked on Ed Montague? Or whether or not Morganna actually kissed someone or just did the Hollywood lip brush thing? Would the umpire go into the little quarter peep show booth like they do in football? These kinds of things need to be worked out before I'm a believer…

Last but not least, more like most actually. Are these the Eagles or the Phillies that have been posting these huge scores the past few nights? At press time it was Philadelphia 7, Colorado 3 in a touchdown-to-field goal contest. The previous night Philadelphia put up two TDs and two FGs in a 20 - 5 win. It was 15 - 6 against Houston the night before that (must've been a safety somewhere) and a 12 -2 game a week ago against the Redskins, er Nationals. Sure looks like McNabb's in midseason shape already doesn't it? No wait, this is the Eagles we're talking about, if it was midseason, McNabb would already be out with his annual rib injury and there would be no points on the board other than a few David Akers field goals. Ah, my fantasy baseball team's in last place, so I ask you, no I beg of you, when does football season start? Final word count on this one: 1,977. The year Seattle Slew won horse racing's Triple Crown.

May 18th, 2008

Sorry I've been away for awhile from the column, I've been fighting a touch of the flu most of last week and just feeling better today. I'm eligible to come off the 7-day writers disabled list tonight so let's get this column started shall we? I'm looking for a 2,000 word make-up-for-a-lost-week column here so wish me luck! First off, I'd like to announce that if you had Barry Bonds in the Thirteen Perjuries Pool, you're a winner! Bonds is the first player to be federally indicted on at least 13 counts of lying; and I believe we're up to 14 and a fistful of white lies aren't we? No never mind about those, Barry hates all things white. Bonds narrowly beats Roger Clemens to the finish line of our new version of the 13 run pool. Please see Kevin Kelly to collect your winnings…

Did I miss anything new about Roger Clemens while I was gone? He's not sleeping with Jenna Bush is he? Whew, well that's a relief, I was fearing the worst for Roger last week, you know with last Sunday being Mother's Day and all… Speaking of last Sunday, what in the name of Inspector Closeau was everyone on Boston and Minnesota doing using pink baseball bats on the ESPN Sunday Night game?! Yes, I get it, they were supporting breast cancer research and all that, but did they have to use pink bats? That's just so (cough, homosapien, cough) "un-manly". There's plenty of things they could've done up "pink" for the occasion that would've meant not having to wave a 36 inch, 34 ounce pink stick at a menacing 100 MPH fastball. First off, they could've had pop singer Pink sing the National Anthem. Who knew, right? (hopefully at least one of you gets that last pun? If not, call my brother for an explanation) They could've had Pepto Bismol ads plastered all over The Baggie in the Metrodome. Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" could've been played during the 7th Inning Stretch. Wouldn't that just be a perfect song for the occasion? Anyone who's sat through a long televised game in person knows how numb one's butt is by the middle of the seventh! Finally, the coup-de-grace for a perfect night (perfect due to a lack of very lightly red hued bats mind you), and I really don't know why they didn't do this one to be honest… They could've died Manny's dreadlocks pink! Come on, you know he would've gone for it! Would've looked like something out of "Horton Hears A Who" playing in leftfield, priceless I say…

Did someone say priceless? As is "not costing much of a price"? Well have you looked at the top of the NL and AL East standings lately? Weighing in at a combined price tag of something like $64 million dollars, or just a few bucks cheaper than the Yankees starting infield, are your Eastern chart toppers, the Tampa Bay Rays and the Florida Marlins. Wow! What the Devil is going on here you say? Well sorry, we can't say "devil" anymore in Tampa; but I hear he still goes down to Georgia on occasion. There's certainly a ray (or 25) of hope in Southern Florida these days as both Tampa and the Marlins, occupiers of the stadium that shall remain nameless (and spectator-less) are doing more with less and far outplaying both of our local New York based, inflation-strapped cash cows. So while the price of meat and gasoline continues to go up, the cost of fish (and winning) is heading down…

… which seems to have Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner's shorts all caught up in a bunch again! Have you heard the latest tirade from The Mouth That Roared But Nobody Listened? He's basically called out every Yankee on the team and is in the process of lining them all up in order so they can pretend that they are throwing themselves willingly under the bus. The latest about his teams misfortunes, and I quote: "…if it's not turned around this year, then it will be turned around next year, by force if we have to…" Hold on a second, did I read that right? Did Hank say "by force"? Now I realize this is Son of George we're talking about here, but never in his entire reign did General Von Steinbrenner threaten to use lethal violence to solve his team's troubles? What exactly is on Hank's mind here when he says he'll do things "by force"? How is this going to play out? Are we talking nuclear weapons? Randomly placed infield land mines? (Allie) Sherman tanks? What? Or will Hank bring a new meaning to the term "going medieval on your arse" and bring in siege engines, ballistas and burning pitch streaming from the upper decks? You know, I actually hope I get to see this play out, and Narnia be damned, I think I like my last few options. Darn it I want to see Prince Caspian in the Bronx in 2009 and if we've got more orcs than we know what to do with, well that's just fine, we can always hope at least one of them can hit better than Cano…

{warning, "too much information" ahead proceed at your own risk and only with your parents permission…} Seriously, you've all heard by now about Jason Giambi's slump busting thong right? {hey, I warned you!}. I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted too, man! It was reported in the Daily News this past week (yes not The Post, the more reputable News) that the Yankees first baseman, and I quote "often wears a gold thong under his uniform pants when trying to snap out of a slump". Holy schnikes! A golden one no less! Well spank me with a Wonka Bar, I've got a freakin' golden ticket to hit over .200. Let's get Grandpa Joe on the 4 train and get to the House That Ruth Built (while wearing manly coveralls and sturdy boots mind you)! Giambi's already 'fessed up here, so this is all true, and apparently he's "gone Tootsie" before, as early as 1993 when he played with the A's and now for the best part of the whole story. Once more allow me to quote the article: "Several teammates acknowledged they've tried wearing it, too, including Yankees captain Derek Jeter and outfielder Johnny Damon." Wow! You think they would've just tried using a pink bat first, eh? And here's the shocker: no one's let A-Rod in on this little (Victoria's) secret? Wait he only wears frilly lace that's right… Hey I mentioned before that Herr Hank's shorts were all caught up in a bunch. You think he's banging the thong too? Might explain all the pressure he seems to be under recently as I read on WebMD that wearing a thong too tight can cause someone to be a real pain in the ass, no wait, that's just causes them to have hemorrhoids. Well same thing I guess…

Now with men going around wearing thongs, there's surely an "ass dribble" joke in here somewhere but I'm going to take the high road out of this dangerous mountain pass and substitute an "asdrubal" instead. As in Cleveland Indians second basemen Asdrubal Cabrera who just recently completed the 14th unassisted triple play in major league history. What exactly did Cabrera do? Well we all know the "triple play" by now don't we? He gets his cable, his phone and his high speed internet for just one low monthly price! As for the "unassisted" part? Well that's where the skill and rarity of the event comes in. He installed it all himself! And I know we have a handful of league owners here who will readily attest to the degree of difficulty on this one…

Staying on the theme of middle infielders with crazy names (but really wishing we had yellow and silver thong story to complete that "triple play"), who better than recently demoted San Diego Padre Callix Crabbe? Now I don't believe Callix ever has pulled off an unassisted triple play in his brief career. Matter of fact, I'm not sure he even had a chance to record three outs in all the time he was in the majors this season, but I just love the name. Sounds like a name that an alien from another planet would have doesn't it? "Hello, my name is Callix Crabbe, we are an invading force from Mars, bring me your finest meats and cheeses then take me to your leader. Wait, is that still Jenna Bush's dad? Never mind, we'll be back when Obama's been elected and oh, we're here to take Hillary home…" Now in what could be a real alien from outer space story, did you hear about the lights that appeared in the Phoenix night sky about a month back and was reported by some as a UFO sighting? From what I read, it was an actual alien spaceship, but they meant us no harm for you see it was just the Big Unit's parents coming in from their home world on the dwarf planet of Ceres to see him pitch. And before you ask, his parents aren't as tall as he is, that's why they live on a dwarf planet. Stay tuned Phoenix, I hear Callix Crabbe's folks are due in next homestand when the D'Backs play the Padres. Momma and Poppa Crabbe, of course, are from the Crab Nebula…

Still feeling crabby? Well is that because you're like me and you're so sick and tired of hearing how all these pitchers are now suddenly suffering from this strange malady called "decreased velocity"? Come on, can we stop the bull-dung and call this thing what it really is already? It's not a lack of velocity of all, rather it's a lack of a prescription, isn't it? No steroids, no greenies, no RX, all equals "decreased velocity" in my book doesn't it? OK, so you're not in The Book (which the good man Mitchell put together) it's OK to pass off this new lack of arm strength with a generic term like "decreased velocity" and still keep your job? Hey, this sounds great. Let me go into the office on Monday morning and tell my boss that I'm suddenly suffering from "decreased velocity". You think that will work? I bet you a roll of quarters for the slow-pitch batting cages that he gives me firm instructions to get a Dunkin' Donuts Extra Large in me and get my friggin' job done! Geez, "greenies" and 'roids are so yesterday, can't you pitchers read the signs? They say "America Runs On Dunkin' Donuts". And now that Mike Piazza's out of the league I tend to agree with them…

Well, using the "File, Properties" option in Microsoft Word I see I'm getting real close to my 2,000 word goal, I'm actually a shade over 1800 right now. So I just want to point out to everyone before I go that I had a really good "alternate segue path" through this week's column that's too good to not mention that went something like this. Somewhere in the "Giambi wears a thong" paragraph I wanted to mention that the New York Post had a great headline titled "Wilted Chamberlain" after Joba gave up that 3 run HR to Dellucci (thanks for sending that one in Doug). Then I was going to go from "wilting" to "shrinkage" to a revival of the old Joe Mastrangelo wears a Speedo topic that we all know and love to overuse. From Joe in a Speedo it's a quick non sequitur to Tarzan and it's movie star Buster Crabbe, who also wore a Speedo. From Buster Crabbe, of course it's on to Callix Crabbe then a one-hopper over to Asdrubal via the middle infielder connection and we've covered the same ground, albeit with the added, probably unnecessary visual of Joe in a Speedo. So you should all be glad I went the way I did…

Finally, I just want to point out to everyone that's it's real nice to see the trading start early (and hopefully now often) in our league this season. Like Gene Wilder, who played rabbi-turned-cowboy Avram Belinski in the classic comedy "The Frisco Kid", Trader Neil (Number One of the Two Jew Crew) rides again! There that should do it! Final word count: 2101. Darn, I was shooting for 2001 so I could end this column with "A Space Odyssey"! Oh well, maybe next time we go for 1,776 words and a revolutionary war theme…

May 7th, 2008

Happy Belated Cinco De Mayo everyone! Looks like I’m a few days late, and a couple of dollars short, wishing you the best on a holiday that was certainly not named for Tigers all-star middle infielder Eddie Mayo (circa the mid 1940s), little used Phillies outfielder Jackie Mayo (early 1950s) or World Series winning manager Mayo Smith (1968 – Detroit)…

Shame about Kentucky Derby runner-up Eight Belles isn’t it? Poor girl runs the race of her life, finishes second and then breaks both front ankles and has to get euthanized right there on the track. Too bad this kid of thing didn’t happen to Albert Belle, eh? Short fly ball, the man formerly known as Joey comes running in from left field, trips himself up diving for the catch, rolls his ankle and can’t get up as the ball rolls to the wall for one of those inside-the-park jobs. Oh wait, what’s this? Here comes the trainer with a corked bat that’s been taken from the umpire’s room and they’re beating him with it like he’s some kind of baby seal! OK, enough of that, anymore and the people from PETA (which I believe is Spanish for “way too much time on my hands”) will be all over me…

…just like they’re now baiting the poor jockey and trainer of Eight Belles, even going so far as to suggest that the horse was on steroids. Wait did I just hear the word… WTF?! Steroids? I don’t recall seeing any equine references in the Mitchell Report do you? Well, except for that stuff that Bonds injected into himself that was supposed to be Secretariat’s DNA or Man O’ War’s love juice or whatever. But steroids? Well it looks like the trainer guy is just as perplexed as I am and has ordered a drug test to prove that this was one PED-free filly. So I say we let that test run then hope we don’t proceed to take this to the next illogical conclusion when we find out that Eight Belles dated Roger Clemens too! Yes, it’s entirely possible. What isn’t these days where The Rocket is concerned? I heard that they met at Belmont Raceway last year when she was a 2 year old up-and-coming filly trying to break into the big time race game and he had just re-signed that ridiculous contract with the Yankees and was blowing some of that new found cash wheeling his doll in the back end of the Superfecta. But no matter how all of that goes down, I’m pretty sure there were no horses at Jose Canseco’s pool party! But while the pool party may be safe, I’m afraid I can’t say the same about Jose’s bachelor party. That, my friends, is a horse of a different color…

While we’re on the subject of beating dead horses, what in name of Aaron, Rich and Glenallen Hill is wrong with Yankees pitcher Philip Hughes? The boy who would be Clyde King is now on the DL with… well we’re not sure what exactly. First it was reported that Hughes’ huge lack of success this season was due to the fact that he was experiencing blurred vision pitching in night games. Then we hear something about an oblique muscle injury and before we can process that, WFAN is reporting that Hughes’ DL stint is due to a rib injury? Who’s telling the truth here? Honestly, does anyone really care? Hughes is stinkin’ up the joint, needs some time off to get his stuff back together again and if you’re a Yankee fan, well welcome to the renaissance of the Kei Igawa Era! Now if that doesn’t make you want to get up and dance, how about just singing a quick piece of this song with me. You’ll recognize this tune as one made popular back in 1984 (2 years before Hughes was born) by Milwaukee Brewers outfielder-slash-pop star Cory Hart.

He wears his sunglasses at night, so he can, so he can,