|
We'll continue the season with our blog-type columns. Whenever the mood strikes, be it stats night on Monday, the middle of a West Coast game on Wednesday night, or maybe even a Friday morning before I leave for work, I'll come here and post entries. Sometimes it will be a paragraph or two, sometimes longer. I'll make sure I put a date on everything so you can easily tell what's new from what you may have already read. So feel free to come to this page often, or continue checking in once a week as the stats update, to check out and catch up on the latest entries in what I hope to be a season long blog. If anyone else has anything to contribute, I'll be more than happy to post it here, with all credit given to the author of course. And if we get one of our infamous 20+ reply e-mail threads going, I may also opt to copy that into this space as well so it's saved for all posterity. May 7th, 2009 "Every night I say a prayer in the hopes that there's a heaven
So we're obviously here to talk about the latest steroids bombshells to rock Major League Baseball. The recent allegation that Alex Rodriguez may have been on steroids since he was a fetus and the fresh discovery that Manny Ramirez has a "performance" problem that needed enhancing. So while I would've loved for that to have been a different Styx song lyric at the start of this column (Domo Arigato Jose Arrendondo anyone?), I felt that this particular lyric, from Styx's 1990 album "Edge Of The Century" was quite apropos almost 20 years after it was released… Sorry Manny, but a performance enhancer by any other name is still a performance enhancer. No Viva Viagra excuse is going to cut it here. Not even if you cut a commercial where you and Joe Torre are holding hands while sitting side by side in bathtubs up on the Hollywood Hills overlooking the Pacific Ocean. This ain't Manny being Manny, this is just plain old Manny being stupid… HGH, HCG, what's the difference? I'll tell you what the difference is folks. One of these things is a freakin' female fertility drug! Manny being Manuela anyone? Brings a new meaning to the term "Man(ny) Boobs" now doesn't it? But hey, at least the dude wasn't shooting up horse testosterone like Barry Bonds did. Or was he? Come to think of it, Manny's got the next few weekends off doesn't he? I'm thinking there's a few openings in the Preakness and the Belmont, why not participate in those? Who needs I Want Revenge or even Mine That Bird when you've got Manny? Forget about Mr. Ed, we've now got Mr. PED! A horse is a horse of course of course
Go right to the source and ask the horse
Eat your heart out Dennis DeYoung! Ok, so now let's turn to Selena Roberts boy-toy, Mr. Rodriguez. So many ways to go here and so many Madonna songs but oh so little time… We can try "Borderline": "…you just keep on gaining our love, while you're tipping off signs…" Or would "Papa Don't Preach" be a winner here? "… I'm in an awful mess, and I don't mean maybe.
Or maybe "La Isla Bonita"? Where I can take a shot at the new Yankee Stadium and A-Rod at the same time! "… What's up with this right field breeze? All my muscles wild and free. Been doing this since I was thirteen, going to La Pharmacia… Wait, don't put another dime in the jukebox, I don't want to hear Madonna songs no more… But how about a different smash hit from the 80s and our friends Wang Chung? "I paid a million bucks, to watch the Yanks tonight
Grip it up - keep it down
Hope the fly balls stay in tonight
Finally, a little Amy Winehouse tribute for the man who allegedly knows how to tip pitches but not Hooters waitresses… "When's A-Rod coming back from rehab? I don't know, know, know…" Yes it's DJ Commish, playing the hits that pop, the hits that don't stop. We're counting them down and we won't stop until we get to the top. Now it's time for our long distance dedication. This one comes from a teenage baseball phenom in Miami who wants us to send a shout out to his favorite pop star. Casey, can you please play "Don't Cry For Me Bitch Selena"… Radio off, books out, time to get our homework done. I'm going to do one of those "what comes next in this sequence" puzzles for you chuckling Red Sox fans in the back of the class who think it's funny that ARod and Manny got detention while your players didn't. Ready? What comes next in this sequence? Dominican Republic, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, … ? Yes folks, the next item in that list would be none other than "Big Papi" himself. May I be so bold as to combine SAT sections here? Let's add a math problem to our quiz. How many homers does David Ortiz have in 2009? Right, as Eddie Murphy once joked, "I'll take the zero"… Are those Mets fans I here laughing now? OK boys, if that list keeps going what name follows Big Papi do you think? I'll give you a hint in case you're stuck. It starts with "Jose" and doesn't end in "Canseco" but does rhyme with the phrase "so they play us". Don't look at me like that! He's popping the ball up all over Flushing right now isn't he? Actually, speaking of the boys in blue and orange I'm sitting here writing this and this thought comes to mind. As a Mets fan I'm now wondering if Omar Minaya didn't get the last laugh after all on us fans? All off-season we're filling the phone lines of WFAN clamoring for our team to sign Manny to fill our outfield hole {insert lame Viagra joke here} and all the while does Omar know about Manny's {ahem} performance issues perhaps? Thus saving his owners $50 mil plus and us fans even further embarrassment in the process? Might've been a nice end game for Minaya too if that Madoff guy hadn't made it a zero sum game… Hey anyone got a nice minus-nine-point-nine-seven laying around so I can make a zero sum game out of Ollie Perez' ERA? 9.97? What are you kidding me? Is this an ERA or a practice 100 yard dash time for Usain Bolt? Speaking of Bolt, time for me to bolt as well. Or as the famous Biff Tanner once (or twice) said, "Make like a tree and get out of here"! Here's to hoping that we don't have to do this all over again next week when they find out Ken Griffey Jr's been taking those nasty Flintstone vitamins to help him deal with the pressure of his return to the Mariners. I mean really, one only needs to look at Betty Rubble to know that Viagra should certainly be out of the question… It's been real, it's been fun, but it hasn't been that much fun. Seriously folks, this is getting ridiculous watching our favorite game being reduced like this. How do we know what's real now and what's not? How to separate the Cheaters from the Jeters? And please, don't make me regret that last sentence. I'm afraid that we'd have one sick camel with a really bad broken back wondering just where the heck that piece of straw came from if that happened! Which of our teams' triumphs were tainted and which were not? And of course the question that's on everyone's mind: How many of Doug Quat's fantasy league titles can we take back? Is this all OK just because "well everyone was doing it"? You know the saying our parents used to use, and I'm sure those of us that are parents have re-used, "well if everyone jumps off a bridge are you going to"? What's the difference between all these bad credit derivative swaps and greedy executives on Wall Street and the PEDs of the MVPs and All Stars of the past decade and a half? Not much I'm afraid and the money's damn close too. I'll close with the second verse and chorus of that Styx song "Show Me The Way" while I go and do some quick research on exactly who played for Doug in 2001, 2004 and 2007: "And I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
Show me the way, show me the way
|
