Has it really been that long since last week's column? All those emails about Road Trips and Stadiums visited, then the whole Eli Marerro thing and the rain delay that pushed Monday's column back to tonight… Yep I guess so? Anyway speaking of long times, who's gone longer between hits, Derek Jeter or Billy Joel? Or does crashing your car into a 93-year old ladies fence out on Long Island count for Billy? If so, could somebody please hand Derek the keys, the Yankee fans are starting to get restless, real restless, as in they are booing their Golden Child! Well I guess losing 6 out of 7 to the rival Red Sox and having your star player mired in an 0 for 28 slump just might turn a Yankee fan into someone from Philadelphia, no? Hey, it's only April, still another 8 months 'til they get to boo Santa…

Did someone mention the Red Sox? Those broom handlers from up North who took three straight from the Yanks at The Stadium this past week? The team who completed their first sweep of the Yanks since before the days of Y2K? Those same players who are know having a "princely" time, partying like it's 1999 (The last time they've swept the Bronx Bombers?). Yes, I know it's early April folks, but you've got to be impressed. Even Mr. Steinbrenner seems to know when he's beaten, instead of blowing up at his team, simply admitting to the media that "This team is Joe's, it's in Torre's hands". What exactly may I ask does Herr George think is in Torre's hands? A noose? His own contract extension to tear up, perhaps? Or maybe a six shooter with one bullet and instructions to spin the chamber and pull the trigger after each Jeter hitless at-bat? Can you say "calm before the storm"? Man are things gonna get interesting in a hurry…

Speaking of storm, it appears that Victor Conte is singing like Lou Monte! Now I don't want to go off on a rant here but with sweet canary Victor singing the Balco Blues and dropping more names than Adriana on the Sopranos, it can't be long now before some of these "enhanced" athletes start feeling the heat, John Ashcroft style. I think when all is said and done here, some of these guys are gonna wish they were just Sopranos plot lines. Hell, poor Jason Giambi can't even bend over for a ground ball at first base, how do you think he's gonna handle prison showers? (Yes, I went there, hopefully I get some props from Kevin for that one!) And somebody get Gary Sheffield a copy of The Pretenders Greatest Hits CD and tell him to work on his Chrissie Hynde karaoke because it might be "Back To The Chain Gang" for him! I'd mention his injured thumb and prison showers in a mixed metaphor but I probably don't want to go there again, do I?

As for Mr. Bonds? This guy's lying more than Omarosa did on The Apprentice! Don't just throw him in a cell with Martha Stewart, way too good for this lying sack of manure. "No I never took steroids, no I never got anything from Conte" Yada, yada, yada! Cry me a river flowing into McCovey Cove! So what exactly was in that package you received with a return address of BALCO? Wilson the Volleyball? Or were you taking deliveries for Marion Jones? "No really these are not my drugs, they're a friends'" Yeah, like you have Friends! Better hurry and get some, last episode is this Thursday… By the way, rewinding this rant and getting back to The Sopranos for a moment, don't you think Steve Buscemi could use a little THG? Have you ever seen a skinnier wise guy? I mean he's a real "Not eating so good"fella, no?

All right, that's all I've got to say about that, end of rant! Unless of course someone wants to get me going on Jose Contreras and his own personal Bay of Pigs? As in, hey Jose, you're stinking up the freakin' joint! Still want to see your family that you left back in Cuba? Do you still miss them? Well I hear that George has a raft with your name on it waiting and docked on the East River. Just don't let the Queen Mary 2 hit you in the ass on the way out! Oh, and if you need a cabin boy, I hear Mussina's always wanted to visit Havana…

Meanwhile over here in Full Monty land we've some steroid abuses of our own, as in John and Kevin wasting a perfectly good name, 'Roid Rage, on a team that's last in the league in homers and next to last in RBI! I do think a name change is in order here fellas. How about we call that team the Skirt Wearing Wussies until more than one guy on the team goes yard on the same night? Staying with local news, we've got our third different leader in three weeks as Bruce's Bombers take over the top spot from Matt & The Hat (so what's the computer predicting now Shanley?). For Bruce, it's already a record for the latest week into a Full Monty season that he's been in the money. Oh and by the way have you seen Bruce's "separated at birth" twin John Kruk on Baseball Tonight? Feisty guy that Kruk is, but I still think Bruce has more balls… (and no one even THINK about going near the earlier Giambi/shower reference here)…

So what's up with manager Jimy Williams in Houston? This guy's got one of the best young 3rd basemen in the league in Morgan Ensberg; and why do I keep flashing back to John Lovitz' Saturday Night Live "liar" character and Morgan Farchild whenever I see that name? As I was saying, he's got Ensberg and yet he insists on playing guys like Mike Lamb there every third game? He did it last season with Geoff Blum at Ensberg's expense too! What does this guy have against Morgan? Or is he too obsessed with recurring teenage visions of Ms. Fairchild's shower scene from that movie with Andrew Stevens whose name I just can't recall right now? That was a regular house shower by the way, not one in a prison, this is not Wendy O Williams in Reform School Girls! OK. IMDB.COM's telling me the movie was called "The Seduction", which reminds me, is Blockbuster still open?

Anyway, the point I'm trying to get across here is Morgan Fairchild's ni… No wait, I mean Jimy Williams has this affinity for no-hit players. You Sox fans know he did this very same thing with Darren Lewis a few years back (assuming you can backtrack that far and get beyond the repression of The Grady Little Era). Just "keeping everybody in the mix" he says. You know what I think? If Jimy Williams managed the Bad News Bears instead of Walter Matthau, I think that while Lupus was running amok, he'd have had one of those Mexican twins in the on-deck circle, ready to pinch hit for Kelly in that Astrodome game in the bottom of the 6th, that's what I think…

So now that the baseball talk is out of the way can we chat about Eli Manning? Word is that his ultimatum to the Chargers that he wouldn't play for them is already having repercussions across the fantasy sports world. So much so, that it's being rumored in some circles that Archie Manning has already let it be known, that Neil Eskow shouldn't even think about drafting his son in the next All My Rowdy Friends Fantasy Football League Draft! And on that note, I've obviously exhausted all my material for this week… …and I still have enough left over to make a pillow for the office couch, how nice! No sorry Martha, you really do have to share that cell with Mr. Bonds. Perhaps you could show him how to knit a better cover story? That's all for now, 'til next week…