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"Hey Alex, it's Dad calling from work. No I don't want to talk to Mommy, I called to talk to you son. Sorry we're not in first place anymore, but as you learned in Miss Trish's Threes class, sometimes you have to share and now it's time for someone else to have a try at first place for awhile. OK? Oh, and that Gavin Floyd rookie card that I gave you last week? Give it to Mommy and tell her to burn it!" Yes, that's right, we've got a new leader in Week Three as Intentional Walt takes the reins and Wunderchild Alex falls to 3rd place on the strength (or lack thereof) of some absolutely horrendous relief outings by Gavin Floyd (7 IP 21 ER!). Hey at least two of us are now beating the 7-old! And one of those is Injectible Brian who once again claims a paragraph in this week's column as he ponders the recent fate that has befallen the Yankees, forcing them to fire up the Columbus shuttle for some players, take it away bro… BRIAN: The Yankees actually have human bodies to call up from the minors? What exactly is a Colter Bean? Is that some type of coffee? When did we get an Asian pitcher? Chien-Ming (the Merciless) Wang? I looked him up and he was actually given a nickname of "Tiger" Wang. Will they play "Everybody Wang Chung Tonight" over the loudspeaker when he pitches? I don't know who Andy Phillips is but what are the odds that he gets traded by the deadline for some aging player that can't handle NYC? Can't we just keep someone? Yanks record after 19 games in 2004; 8-11, this year after 19 games; 8-11. I'm not worried… Not worried Bri? There's a guy named Colter Bean in the bullpen at Yankee Stadium and you're not worried? And how well are Flash Gordon and Ming The Merciless going to get along in the clubhouse? These are immediate problems that any Yankee fan just has to worry about! So as Yankee fans put up a united front despite their recent pitching woes, I bring you this week's Top 10, from the remote office at the Bronx Correctional Facility just outside of Yankee Stadium. Here we go… Top 10 "Beans" (Other Than Colter) That Might Be Better In The Yankee Bullpen From Colter Bean (who I think was the 2nd deputy sheriff behind Enos and Roscoe in Dukes of Hazzard wasn't he?) and Chien-Ming Wang, we move on to other "name" players who've been brought up to the majors this season. In Seattle there's a kid named Shin-Soo Choo who's getting some on the job "training" "Choo, choo!". And if this doesn't work out I hear the Mariners have Thomas The Tank Engine ready in AA. Hey, a joke that even Alex can enjoy… From Shin-Soo we go to Torontoo where the Jays are cashing in with their rookie pitcher Gustavo Chacin, ka-ching! And have you noticed something else about that Toronto pitching staff? One game last week was started by David Bush, who was then relieved by Brandon League, making the staff just a tad too "bush league" for me… And then there's the new Kansas City closer, logging time as Jeremy Affeldt "Fish" spends Passover on the DL. This new kid's named Abiorix Burgos. Abiorix? Is this a person or a cleaning product? New Abiorix cuts through grease and leaves your stovetop shining bright! Aborix, it's a relief pitcher! No it's a floor wax! No it's a dessert topping!... It seems like this whole "crazy name" thing isn't just limited to our national pastime either. From Doug "A Train" Quat, comes the following "analysis" from last weekend's NFL draft… DOUG: Best name to come out of the NFL Draft -- Craphonso Thorpe, WR, Florida State, taken by the KC Chiefs. What were Mom and Dad thinking, and how do you think he was treated on the playground as a kid? "Yo, Crap. Wanna play some Horse, Crap? "Let's choose up sides -- I'll take Crap." Maybe he's a distant relative of Thomas Crapper, inventor of the flush toilet. His favorite song: Wipeout. I can see him landing an endorsement deal for X-Lax. This stuff writes itself, Jerry. OK, I'm stopping now… So what if this Thorpe guy winds up being covered by Thurman Pearson (an un-drafted free agent safety out of UAB). Would that be Crap covered by T.P.? Now see what you've got me doing Doug! OK, let's move in another direction here shall we? Yes, the toilet bowl does flush in the opposite circular direction in South America, but that's not what I was thinking… So for those of you who think our baseball draft was long, clocking in at 5 hours and 40 minutes, how about the first round of this year's NFL Draft taking just a tad over 5 hours and 38 minutes? And that's just the first round! What's going on? Did every team have Don and John working their laptops for them? Hey at least we didn't have to listen to Mel Kiper commenting on the inadequacies our corner infield picks at our draft, we just had to endure a few Kevin Kelly rants… What's with all the hostilities between the Red Sox and Devil Rays, throwing at each other's heads and all? Sure got a little crazy down on the field the other day, benches emptying, coaches getting involved, Don Zimmer running all over the place looking for Pedro. Do you think someone should tell Zim that Pedro's on the Mets now? Or would it be more fun just watching the old guy run all over the field in frustration looking like Yosemite Sam? "Darn tarnations, where is that blasted Pedro feller?"... From the "what has your commissioner done for you lately department" comes the following from yours truly. Check out this effort from me, a self-proclaimed "technology guy" who for some inane reason can no longer access his "personal e-mail accounts" through his work pc, all so I can ensure prompt delivery of the stats on Monday... 1) Log on to Yahoo Mail through my cell phone Thanks for allowing me a venting moment here as I rail against "The Powers That Be Stupid" here at Big Corporation as they continue to take away my personal freedoms in the workplace. First, my entire programming staff gets outsourced to Cleveland, or was that Mumbai? I guess it doesn't really matter does it? Either way they're still Indians. Now it's "no AOL, Yahoo or Hotmail" in the workplace. So what's next guys? You going to start listening to my phone conversations too? Oh, that's what the big white van parked outside marked "Craphonso's Septic Cleaning" is for, isn't it? Now I get it… And I leave you this week with some more random thoughts from Injectible Brian, one baseball related (kind of) and one not. Now Brian promises me he's trying ever so hard to resist the urge to send out the first "who wants to trade with me" e-mail of the season too early, so as long as we keep him writing snippets for this column, we may all be safe. Well all of us who don't own Raul Mondesi perhaps… BRIAN: I'm so into the 2005 Fantasy BB season that while playing "the Wiggles" game with my two kids, the activity card asked me to name something red and I blurted out Jason LaRue and Eric Milton! Then I'm reading about the revamped Kentucky Fried Chicken stores in the USA Today, they said that at one point over the last few years employees were caught on tape abusing chickens. First, is this verbal abuse (Telling them you hope they fry in cooking oil?) or physical abuse (ruffling of the feathers?) and secondly, what is more abusive than actually killing them later on so they become part of a $4.99 meal deal? So on that note (along with the mandatory rim-shot on that final joke), I bid everyone au revoir for another week. What's the over/under on "teams beating the 7 year old" when next weeks standings come out? I hear Danny Sheridan's got it posted as 4 ½, who's in? 'til next week…
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