We interrupt this News & Notes to bring you the Stanley Cup Playoffs… No seriously, I'm just kidding, why would we do something like that? But I am watching the New York Rangers - New Jersey Devils Game 2 match-up over my shoulder as I type this. It's currently 4 - 1 Devils with the Rangers defense looking quite offensive tonight. John Madden (the hockey player, not the rotund, bus riding football announcer) has a hat trick giving him three goals on the night, leaving him just seven short of Albert Pujols… While we're on the subject, might I suggest that if any of you out there are true New York Rangers fans, well you might want to consider switching allegiances to the Texas Rangers instead! Believe me, you'll have a better chance of winning, it's easier to win with no pitching in the baseball regular season than it is to win with no defense in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. And if that doesn't do it for you, perhaps you'll just have to suck it up and ask the guy in Bruce and Alex's team logo for a ride in the Wayback Machine. Perhaps that Sherman guy (get it, Sherman/Lerman?) can get you all the way to 1994, the last time the blue shirts were competitive in the playoffs…

OK enough about hockey for now… Back to baseball and what's up with all the home runs? Despite the supposed suppression of steroid use players are doing The Ding Thing at a rate previously unseen. Even Julio Franco's got one! And he's 47 years old. Did they stop checking for Viagra too this season maybe? Well the homers-per-game average is higher than it's ever been, chicks digging the long ball indeed! So what's the story here morning glory? Well if you ask me, I'm thinking it's not the batters being a factor here as much as it's the pitchers. To state my theory in as simple terms as possible: "Pitchers need greenies too"! I'm thinking we've got some tired arms right now and the bats are still a bit faster. However, mark my words, when we get to the Dog Days Of August we're gonna see the bats slow down a bit and things will correct themselves. So trade high on Chris Shelton and Ty Wigginton while you still can, it's only a matter of time before the pitchers replace the water cooler with the Box of Joe (coffee that is, not Mastrangelo). As the new slogan for my favorite coffee store goes, "America Runs On Dunkin Donuts". Funny I thought everyone ran on Mike Piazza…

Tuesday night is American Idol night, as I'm sure everyone knows. In the past few weeks they've had "themed" nights where the contestants all sing songs from the same genre (country music, Queen hits, standards that Rod Stewart has killed). This week I hear that it's going to be "Ninth Inning Closer Night" on American Idol and all the remaining contestants will have to sing songs used by famous major league relief pitchers. So expect to hear Chris Daughtry doing Trevor Hoffman's "Hell's Bells". Kellie Pickler and Katharine McPhee will be paying tribute to the current New York closer scene as they try to outdo each other on Mariano Rivera and Billy Wagner's "Enter Sandman". Elliott Yamin is promising to kick it old school with Charlie Sheen's "Wild Thing". While the lovely Paris Bennett is going the R&B route and has chosen Jorge Julio's old music from when he was a closer for the Orioles, Marvin Gaye's "Got To Give It Up" (as in "the lead"). But be sure to catch the last act which has Taylor Hicks channeling Michael Stipe and R.E.M. as he performs Eric Gagne's new theme song, "Everybody Hurts"!… And did you know that new Boston closer Jon Papelbon's entrance music is a song called "Bodies" by a band called Drowning Pool? Does it get any more "oh cr*p we're doomed!" than that now does it? Unless someone wants to try out something by Rob Zombie perhaps…

So I'm reading the paper and I see that Washington Nationals GM Jim Bowden has been arrested for drunk driving and what's my first thought? I'm guessing Alfonso Soriano was supposed to be the designated driver and refused to get in the car. Well the steering wheel is on the left isn't it… Next article, we've got Mets announcer Keith "The Second Spitter" Hernandez making some sexist comments about the female trainer for the San Diego Padres, saying something along the lines of how women don't belong in the dugout. That's right, I forgot Keith always liked his trainers barefoot and pregnant. So the Padres have a female trainer? And what exactly is this person training the females to do in San Diego? Is a female trainer anything like a lion trainer? Uh, never mind I better not go there, I think some of our wives have the address of this website…

Nice to see that Bob Sheppard has returned as public address announcer at Yankee Stadium, the place really isn't the same without him. Even if you're not a Yankee fan, you have to admit nobody does "Now batting…" better than Sheppard. Besides the famous "now batting", other phrases that the man they've nicknamed "The Voice Of God" does quite well are "The last miracle I did was the '69 Mets" (George Burns "Oh God!" 1979). "Moses, please don't drop the tablets, I worked all night on those" (from Mel Brooks "History of The World Part 1", 1981). And "From now on Kent, stop playing with yourself!", made famous by the character Mitch in the Val Kilmer 80s classic "Real Genius" and by Dusty Baker in the Giants locker room circa 2001…

Finally, I leave you with the weekly check around the Full Monty standings, where Dad & The Baseball Boy Fanatic have plummeted precipitously from their primary perch (say that three times fast!), taking a minus-15 and tumbling from first place all the way down to seventh. Three teams went +20 or higher this past week. Team Caruso (+24, 12th to 5th place). Box of Joe Mastrangelo (+25, 14th to 8th, somebody let Charlie know that's 7 spots away from 15th). And Brian Legere, urine trouble no longer as a +22 ½ has you all the way up to 14th and now third in line for the plum free agent pickings… Our new leader is Kevin Shanley's Paul Maholm For President (even though Paul's 0 - 3) and would you look who's in last place! Same name as last week but different brother and Brian Legere vacates the league cellar so that The Commish and Kevin can move in. Haven't we been here before Kev? Like "same time last season"? You know what that means don't you? "Anyone up for a trade"?…

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