This season we're going to be trying a new News & Notes format. Instead of the weekly column (which we all know was more of a "non-column" last season), I'll be doing more of a blog-type column. That is, whenever the mood strikes, be it stats night on Monday, the middle of a West Coast game on Wednesday night, or maybe even a Friday morning before I leave for work, I'll come here and post entries. Sometimes it will be a paragraph or two, sometimes longer.
I'll make sure I put a date on everything so you can easily tell what's new from what you may have already read. So feel free to come to this page often, or continue checking in once a week as the stats update, to check out and catch up on the latest entries in what I hope to be a season long blog.
If anyone else has anything to contribute, I'll be more than happy to post it here, with all credit given to the author of course. And if we get one of our infamous 20+ reply e-mail threads going, I may also opt to copy that into this space as well so it's saved for all posterity.
June 25th, 2007
A great video parody that Mike B from the hockey league pointed out to me from the new site Funny Or Die (followed of course by the obligatory "dot-com"). Roger Clemens attempts to make a final comeback in the year 2057...
It's a little long (almost 4 minutes) but be sure to stick with it for the absolutely hilarious Steinbrenner appearance around the 2 minute mark!
You all know how to work the embedded video thing by now I'm sure but if the video and audio get out of sync or get "jumpy" just hit the pause key, wait a minute or so, then start the video again from the top by using the |< looking rewind-type button. (And before you ask, sorry I have no idea what the "immortal status" note on the video means.)
June 10th, 2007
Top 10 Reasons Why Paris Hilton Is Crying
10. Her team isn't low enough in the standings to get Roger Clemens this week
9. She lost the "who's taller Nicole Richie or Dustin Pedroia" bet with her attorney
8. She's coming to the realization that she'll be in solitary on Sunday and will miss the series finale of "The Sopranos" and there's no TIVO in the Big House
COMMISH'S NOTE ADDED ON MONDAY, 6/11: Don't worry Paris you didn't miss anything! Geez did that ending suck or what?
7. Apparently A-Rod cheated on her too!
6. She'd rather wear a Astros Nolan Ryan era throwback jersey than put on that orange prison jumpsuit again
5. She's just finished watching a great majority of this weekend's interleague games, can you blame her for crying?
4. She's just figured out that Gary Sheffield doesn't like white people
3. Elijah Dukes is back in town, just sent a threatening picture to her cellphone
2. Tried to plea bargain to "time served plus a promise to speak with Senator Mitchell", apparently that was a "no deal"
... and the #1 reason why Paris Hilton is crying ...
1. She's just found out she's going to be sharing a prison cell with Uggie Urbina! Now that's "hot"!
June 5th, 2007
What's the story on this Matt DeSalvo kid who's pitching instead of Clemens on Monday night? J.T., Bronx, NY
You know there's a really good storyline here that the entire country is just missing! Why wasn't this kid pitching in the Red Sox series? His last name is DeSalvo. As in Albert DeSalvo, better know as The Boston Strangler. All they need to do is let this kid pitch in one game of the Red Sox series, hope he catches lightning in a bottle and voila, a legend is born. Couldn't you just see it? Matt "The Boston Strangler" DeSalvo held the Sox to just 2 hits in 7 2/3 last night as the Yanks break out of their pitching doldrums and defeated the Red Sox 3 - 0 to move yet another game closer in the standings"… They need to light a fire on that team, and Clemens' groin isn't helping much so why not take a chance here, let fate take its course? Or is Fate busy right now partying with Aura and Destiny?
Given this latest setback, when exactly can we expect Roger Clemens to join the Yankees? G.S., Tampa, FL
Good question there! With this newly revealed strain/fatigue/tweak/we-can't-call-it-a-tear allow me to paraphrase Elton John when I say, Rocket's groin? Well I think it's going be a long, long, time (or at least until Saturday in Pittsburgh)
Paris Hilton is going to jail but Barry Bonds remains free? Can you please explain the logic to me? L.W. & M.F.-W., San Francisco, CA
I really can't comment too much on this situation except to ask "where is the David Justice in this world?" But you have to admit, Paris does look a lot better in orange than Barry does. Matter of fact I hear Paris might be releasing a book about her prison experience when she's free again. The title's already been leaked, it's called "Game of Eye Shadows"
What do you think about the upcoming Major League Baseball Draft, which will be televised for the first time ever? B.Q., Cleveland, OH
Honestly? I think they need to fill the entire Green Room with only Scott Boras clients and place hidden microphones and cameras all around the place, Big Brother style to capture the curses as they drop into the "compensatory picks" portion of the first round. Also allow free use of local accountants services to keep a running tote board, Jerry Lewis Telethon style, to help players figure out exactly how much money being a Scott Boras client has cost them all. And finally, just to spice things up, make sure there's a wide screen HDTV showing highlights from the 2006 Northern League season.
What are your thoughts about the possibility of a World Series game being played on November 1st this year? Mr. G., New York, NY
Could it be any worse than watching an NHL Stanley Cup Game 7 on June 11th? An NFL game on Sunday but played in London? The series finale of "24"? Or any WNBA game on at anytime during the year?
If you're Mrs. A-Rod right now, what do you do? T.L., Glastonbury, CT
Hey, I think I recognize those initials! Basically if you're married to Alex you've got the following choices, presented in Top 10 format:
Top Ten Things You Do Right Now If You're Married To A-Rod
10. Have the paparazzi catch you partying with Lindsay Lohan
9. Better yet, scratch #10, replace with "jailhouse rock action" with Paris Hilton…
8. …or maybe Britney Spears can drop the kids off at her mom's on Friday night?
7. Opt out of your contract. A lump sum $126 million ought to do the trick! Hire Scott Boras to negotiate.
6. I hear Jason Giambi has some free time on his hands now that he's on the DL. And now that's he off the steroids there's no longer that issue with the "shrinkage"…
5. Do you have Jude Law's cell phone number?
4. Hire someone on Phil Leotardo's crew to take care of your husband next time he's at the Bada Bing.
3. Brush up on your Lifetime Channel Movies and that Nancy Grace show to carefully screen potential murder weapons and alibis
2. Get yourself a really good blonde wig
… and the #1 thing you do right now if you're Mrs. Alex Rodriguez …
1. Get an appraisal on that diamond ring that Kobe Bryant's wife got and tell your man to "top that or else"
I take it you've already seen the clip of that Double-A manager in the Braves system that lost his cool this past week? L.P., Chicago, IL
Yes I have! (Thank you Charlie for the heads-up on this one) Made Lou Piniella look like Gandhi didn't it? Funny thing is I actually thought is was Bob Wickman when I first saw the highlights on ESPNews with my volume turned down. I mean, angry fat guy in a Braves uniform, what's your first guess? And what was up with that George "The Animal" Steel crawl to the mound? For those of you who missed it, the first part of the article and a YouTube link below that. I guess it's safe to say that my Earl-Weaver-on-YouTube-video from my previous post has already been bested! Oh well, dateline Jackson, Mississippi…
JACKSON, Miss. -- A major league meltdown by a minor league manager earned him a three-game suspension and worldwide fame on the Internet. Combining bits of Earl Weaver, Billy Martin and Lou Piniella, the weekend tantrum by Double-A manager Phillip Wellman prompted his bosses at the Atlanta Braves to take action Monday. The Mississippi Braves manager went wild Friday during his team's 7-6 loss at Chattanooga. His tirade took him on a tour of the diamond as he covered home plate with dirt, threw a base and crawled on his belly.
My fantasy baseball team's in 2nd place right now but my co-owner is giving me all kinds of hell because I don't pick up the players he likes. My argument is we're in 2nd, he says he doesn't care, it's not about winning, it's about having fun. What should I do? J.M. Glen Mills, PA
I see you live near Philadelphia right? Well here's an idea. Pick good players that your partner can relate to. Say for instance your co-owner lives near Dobbs Ferry, PA (just an example mind you). Well if that's the case why not pick up the Phillies 3B/1B Gregg Dobbs who plays in Philadelphia, PA to appease your co-owner from Dobbs Ferry, PA? I'm sure he'd like that and appreciate the effort! Dobbs has good power and wouldn't hurt you assuming you had a really weak corner infielder to drop like say for example Mark Teahen? It would be kind of tempting that 2nd place fate having a Royal on your team for that long wouldn't it? Just saying hypothetically of course. Besides, it's not like you're trading for say Oliver Perez instead of someone like Scott Kazmir just to make him happy, are you? A happy co-owner is a good co-owner I always say. So kids, do as I say, not as I do. If you know who my co-owner is you know from whence I speak!
DISCLAIMER: The situations described in the mailbag answer above are purely fictional. Any similarities to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
It seems like you haven't been getting any of the e-mails that I send you lately? Is there something wrong with your AOL mail service? received multiple times from multiple places
Is there something wrong with AOL? My manifesto on "why I can never change my e-mail address and now I'm stuck with AOL for life even though I'm an I.T. guy and should've known better back in 1998 so just kill me" is a topic for a whole separate column! But the problem is likely more innocent than that… It's possible that I may have deleted your mail in one of my "get rid of all the !@#$%^&*ing spam" purges. Chances are if you fell anywhere chronologically between the free Viagra sales pitch and the guy from Nigeria who wanted me to send him $10,000 you were wiped out. Another possibility is that if you were in the middle of a group of consecutive emails featuring a string of jokes from our current fantasy football league champion, a "pass on the cute picture of the penguin or you are doomed to rot in hell" chain letter from my mother-in-law, a multi-gigabyte attached video from that guy who lives near Gregg Dobbs' ferry, the "crocodile tears from Richmond" newsletter, anything from the hockey guy in Staten Island who writes in run-on sentences and all lowercase letters or any "reply all" from our beloved yet strangely still often misunderstood Kevin Kelly then your mail is most likely sitting somewhere near the top of my "Recently Deleted" folder. You have my humblest apologies (for both deleting your mail and having to put up with Kevin's replies to same).
Where can I get the latest and greatest collectible Bobblehead dolls? R.L.H. Maquoketa, IA
I'm actually going to direct you to the link below for this final answer of the mailbag. For those of you who haven't already seen this (and thanks to Doug for the link), be sure to check the story out. Just when you think you've seen every possible minor-league baseball promotion we get this… Click here to find out more about the new Bob L. Head bobble-head collectible
June 3rd, 2007
You know I started writing this entry back on Thursday night but then I heard A-Rod call "I got it!" so I just let it go. Took me until Sunday night to realize that A-Rod's not on my team and that he was probably just trying to prevent me from writing this in the first place. Wow, how Blue-Jays of me to fall for that bush league trick, eh?...
Actually, lots has happened since then so let's address a few situations here in this column shall we? OK, first off we've got to go to Chicago where Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano and catcher Michael Barrett had a little tete-a-tete in the dugout. What exactly happened between these two to have it end in public fisticuffs as it did? Well, we here at COMMISH.COM have received a hidden tape from the Cubs dugout that recorded the words that were exchanged between these two both before and after that fateful inning. Here's a transcript of how things went down:
{in the dugout before the inning}
Barrett: Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic.
Zambrano: [to himself] What's this guy know about pitching? If he's so good how come he's been in the minors for the last ten years? If he's so good how come Annie wants me instead of him?
Barrett: Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don't know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you'll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don't hold the ball so hard, OK? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.
{in the dugout after the inning}
Barrett: Well, he really hit the shit outta that one, didn't he? [laughs]
Zambrano: [softly, infuriated] I held it like an egg.
Barrett: Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the f***ing bull! Guy gets a free steak! [laughs]
Barrett: You having fun yet?
Zambrano: Oh, yeah. Havin' a blast.
Barrett: Good.
[pause]
Zambrano: God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
Barrett: He did know.
Zambrano: How?
Barrett: I told him.
So you see with his team all in turmoil, Cubs manager Lou Piniella took it upon himself to get the focus off his players and unto the manager instead as he argued a somewhat meaningless play and pulled off some vintage "Sweet Lou" in the process. Berating the umpire incessantly with head bobbing, kicking dirt on the ump's shoes, etc. Just about everything except picking up the base and throwing it! And who can forget that classic from back-in-the-day? Well speaking of classic tantrums from back-in-the-day, I searched for a video of Pinella's "base toss" but unfortunately I couldn't find one. Instead, check out this YouTube clip of the most famous umpire bater Earl Weaver himself by clicking on the "play" button below…
CAUTION: This is definitely not "safe for work"! There be "bad words" said here as Earl and the umpire call each other names…
While we're on the subject of "bad words" check out this little rant from our very own "Bad Word Master" Kevin Kelly who just lays into the state of his favorite team's pitching in this part of an e-mail exchange amongst a few league owners that took place last week…
KEVIN:"…everyone on the pitching staff should be murdered. The starters can be blindfolded and shot, while the bullpen watches in horror, knowing their fate. But alas, when it's the bullpens turn, we will give them a little taste of their own medicine. When they come in to pitch, all they do is throw gasoline on the fire, so I figure what better way to be rid of them, then douse them in gas and flick a Zippo at them……We could always call Jose Canseco out of retirement to pitch, and isn't Charlie Hough out there breathing somewhere? Dave Dravecky, Tom Browning, and Jim Abbot all basically have one arm and they can do better than these clowns….Matt DeSalvo? Wasn't he the Boston Strangler? Tyler Pimple? Scott "pitches like he's a" Proctologist? Mike "my pitching is scarier than Halloween" Myers? Mariano "I look like the Crypt Keeper" Rivera? Kyle "The harder I throw, the further you hit it" Farnsworth? My god, the only theme they should play at the stadium when the bullpen door opens is "Send in the Clowns". God if I had Bill Gates' (or Ian's) money, I would pay the sound guy a million bucks to do it just once on a national broadcast…."
OK Kev, well I won't charge you a million for this as The Commish's Office Karaoke Machine was already fired up and ready to go so feel free to sing along with Judy Collins (or Barbra Streisand if you prefer her version) to the tune of "Send In The Clowns"…
Aren't they rich?
Do they not care?
Sending these guys to the mound,
Throwing nothing but air
Send in the clowns.
Aren't you pissed?
Surely you don't approve?
One who throws sliders in the ground,
One whose fastball won't move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.
I wished they'd stop opening the bullpen doors,
All we get are full counts and a lot of ball fours,
When they make an entrance I start to lose hair,
But my heart it still pines,
Isn't Mariano in there?
Don't you love farce?
It gets worse I fear.
I thought my team would want what I want.
Sorry, can I buy you a $10 beer?
But where are the clowns?
Gator, warm up the clowns.
Don't bother, they're here.
Steinbrenner's rich
So isn't it queer,
Losing his touch this late
In his career?
Or is Cashman the clown?
Surrounded by clowns.
Well, there's always next year.
And finally, I'll close this entry with one more visual element. Shown below are a few of the latest t-shirts making the rounds around Major League baseball and team gift shops everywhere! Footnotes go out to Boston.com for the first two sayings and a special shout-out of "hell yeah, nice one!" to our very own Intentional Walt for the idea behind the last one.
