Have you seen who replaced these guys? I mean as The Who sings in song #5 from our playlist above, "meet the new boss, same as the old boss". First we've got Jerry Manuel laboring in New York who in his very first game got into a dugout spat with Jose Reyes, then jokingly threatened to go "gangster" on his shortstop. Jerry, I'm not sure why you claimed this was a joke? I actually think going gangster might help this team. I mean, bottom of the 7th, Mets protecting a two run lead, Manuel calls timeout… walks to the mound… keeps walking past it into the outfield… opens up the bullpen door… and "say hello to my little friend!!!!"… Jerry also went on later in the week to call the Mets fans "fertilizer". Again, this is not a bad thing. We're going to need a lot of fertilizer to cover up that carnage in the bullpen so its good to know there will be plenty of it readily available at Shea. Dead, gunned down relievers don't count against the 40-man roster limit do they?

Next up in Seattle we have Jim Riggleman. Yes this is the Jim Riggleman behind the glass (no it's Piggly Wiggly who did you think?). So what's his big managerial move of genius to improve his team? Moving Ichiro to right field to get the always dangerous bat of Willie Bloomquist into the lineup. Yes, like that's going to work out well. Bloomquist isn't even owned in our league for Jesus Flores sake! He'd be better off convincing new GM Lee Pelekoudas (Pella-who-this?) to trade their first baseman to the Mets in a straight up deal for Carlos Delfredo and then at least Omar Minaya can get some New York Post backpage press for going all Justin Timberlake and "bringing Sexson back"… Last but not least in this trio of new guys is this really Cito Gaston in Toronto? How old is this guy? And are you like me and only think about Disney's "Beauty & The Beast" when you hear his name? "No one wins like Gaston, brings pitchers in like Gaston, teaches young Alex Rios to hit like Gaston…"

I see the Yankees, desperate for pitching in the wake of the Wang injury, have signed none other than Sidney Ponson to a minor league deal. Was this the only direction they could've gone in? I mean really. If they were looking for a washed-up, overweight pitcher with off-the-field issues I'm sure David Wells number is still in the Rolodex isn't it?… And when exactly did the Yankees ease up the restriction on facial hair? Yes, I'm talking about Jason Giambi's new mustache! Have you seen this thing? Well if he doesn't get that contract extension he's looking for I'd say that between this new 'stache and the golden thong, he'd certainly be ready for a career after baseball. Playing Harry Reems type roles in the 70s retro-porn industry that is! I wish I had a pencil thin mustache, then I'd be hitting homers too…

Now the moment you've all been waiting for in this column, the George Carlin Tribute section! I've been giving this a little thought and I've come to the conclusion that in order to pay tribute to the greatest comedian ever (sorry Kev, I know you voted for Dice Clay), you must stay true to the original material. So please ignore all the "Seven Dirty Words" that you've seen other so-called fantasy baseball columnists come out with this past week, as they all believe that just by using a list containing seven things, this qualifies them as "staying true to the original material". No sorry guys, you're all pretenders when it comes to this stuff. Step aside nicely and let The Commish show you how it's done… The "Seven Dirty Words" that you can't say when talking about fantasy baseball on television are: (and to get the full effect you'll want to read them fast, just like Carlin says them in the original skit)

hit, miss, bunt, fungo, bat-chucker, Duchscherer and Schmidts (both Mike and Jason!)

Like Eminem in "Eight Mile" I dare any poser out there to top that! Now for those of you who want to see the original one more time, I've included an embedded YouTube video of the routine. Below that are two more vids, the first one is the great skit where Carlin compares and contrasts baseball and football and the last one being the infamous "It's Not A Sport Because…" skit. Randomly placed landmines on the field! Hey, this might finally be the reason that convinces some team to bring Barry Bonds back! You've got about 25 total minutes of video here so plan accordingly and please keep in mind that unless you're Kevin Kelly, have a good set of noise cancelling headphones or have your own office with a closeable, heavy, sound-proof wooden door these are most definitely NSFW; which stands for "not safe for work"!

"Seven Dirty Words"

"Baseball And Football"

"Sports"

June 12th, 2008

Hello everybody, DJ Johnny J here taking you back, back, back in the Way Back Machine. Back to the day everyone's referring to when they say "back in the day". Not quite back as far as Montreal Expos outfielder Boots Day mind you, but we're definitely kickin' it old school, Charles Finley style, as I reach into the vinyl stack and pull out some wax that come on baby would've lit Bill Veeck's fire on Disco Demolition Night in Chi-town! From the days when it was cool to be a Royal, when Freddie Patek stood tall and Amos Otis had us saying "Ohm-us Ate-us". This one goes out to Dougie Q; and the "Q" stands for Quagmire, giggity! giggity!, who has requested a trip back to '76 with K.C. and the Sunshine Band, as they sing prophetically about a modern day reliever from The House of the Rising Sun, in "Shake Yabuta"…

Yasuhiko, check out the score, let's dance

{sound of needle abruptly scratching a record} OK, you can all stop dancing now. Sorry 'bout that, hope nobody threw out a hip or anything there, I realize we're all not Chris Young anymore… Hey, since you mentioned Chris Young, what do you think the San Diego pitcher's been doing with his free time now that he's on the DL? Well I'm guessing he's spent some of that time making a really nice voodoo doll and teaming up with Josh Bard for some Kill Bill style revenge! See how quickly Albert Pujols went down with that calf injury the other night? Couple of well placed pins in the proper location (well at least we can presume they were aiming for the calf, no?), one by the pitcher and another by the catcher that Albert took out a few weeks ago and blamo, down goes Frazier, eh, Pujols…

Staying with the angry Padres theme here I'm perusing the box scores a few days ago and I see this new name appear in the San Diego pitching stats: C. Guevara. No, it can't be I say? Does the "C" really stand for what I think it does? Is this actually the famed revoultionary Che Guevara? Well given the proliferation of Cuban pitching prospects these past few years I actually went back and did some math before I realized that (a) the "C" stands for Carlos, (b) Che would be 80 years old right now and (c) he's dead! But you have to admit it wasn't really that much of a stretch was it? You don't really have to go too far to find an 80 year-old virtually dead pitcher from Cuba do you? I mean, El Duque's still high-kicking it in extended spring training isn't he?…

Meanwhile also somewhere in Florida… I'm told that Dan Uggla's wife recently had a baby girl. Now of course this is fantastic news, or is it? How quickly would you get married if you were female and had a last name of Uggla? Actually, I think marrying quickly isn't even your top priority here. First I'd try to make it out of third grade with some self-respect and dignity still intact! They named the baby Alexandra, which is a whole lot nicer name than other choices they could've gone with. Could you imagine if they named her "Vera" or "Frieda"? The first one's self-explanatory if you consider her nickname would be "Veerie" and the latter would allow her to sign as "F. Uggla". Poor girl indeed… Thank you to Pinky "J.W." Tuscadero for the bringing the comedic potential of this one to my attention…

Who else's daughter can we talk about next? How about Neil's girl Krista who I hear was quite impressive in her Tee Ball debut, going 3-for-3 with 2 RBIs! You go girl! She was so impressive in fact that after the game Neil immediately claimed her off of waivers and dropped Dmitri Young from his Two Jew Crew roster… Also looking to earn a spot on the Crew pitching staff is our own Alex Lerman who I read has led his Little League squad to an undefeated regular season. Alex also led the league in cheap saves by the way, no sorry I just can't let that one go can I? Alex's coach is none other than Papa Bruce, who now hopes to ride his son's arm to the championship and the obvious coach of the year honors that would go along with such a feat. But "Holy Belicheck Batman!" somebody call Commissioner Gordon as rumors have been circulating amongst the other coaches that Bruce has been stealing signs, accounting for all the lopsided scores and cheap save opportunities! Bruce vehemently denies all rumors (and also those about the Winstrol as well), but did receive a new Canon DC-210 digitial camcorder for Hannukah last year. Hmmm, anyone named Matt Walsh listed in the Parsipanny phone book?… Neil says he'll sign Alex if he can get through the post season unscathed as he's been looking for a replacement for Yovani Gallardo for some time now. Yovani? What kind of a name is that for a good Jewish boy? Go play in the yard with your brother Shlomo and his new friend Alexandra Uggla…

Changing the subject because what kind of a segue can you hope to do with the word Shlomo, especially considering we've already done the instant replay (i.e. "slo-mo") thing a few weeks back. I think I've finally found the smoking gun in this whole Roger Clemens thing. According to the New York Daily News Roger Clemens, among other athletes, used Viagra to improve their athletic performance. Viagra as a PED, who knew? And remember the "P" in PED stands for "performance" here, not the "P" it usually enhances! The story goes on to say that Clemens got the pills from a teammate (the 80 year old El Duque perhaps?) and kept them in a GNC vitamin bottle in his locker. The article also quotes BALCO founder Victor Conte as saying, "All my athletes took it." Wow! So does this explain the need to go gallivanting with the likes of Mindy McCready, Mrs. John Daly and Kentucky Derby runner-up Eight Belles? If nothing else it kind of bring a new meaning to the term "getting it up in the zone" doesn't it? Now you'll recall that the Daily News also broke the Jason Giambi goose that laid the golden thong story as well. Viagra, golden thongs and A-Rod living happily together in the Yankee clubhouse. No wonder Joe Torre left town! What will we hear about next? I fear this isn't going to end until we get cell phone pictures of Don Zimmer in women's underwear. Now that folks, will certainly qualify as "Uggla"…

Hey, I just figured out my missing segue but it's too late to go back now so let's just pretend we've gone from Shlomo to Coco OK? As in Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp who incited a benches clearing brawl with the Devil-less Rays the other night. After having a James Shields pitch whiz into his hip in retaliation for a menacing slide the previous night, Coco went loco! One might even say he went koo-koo (for Coco Puffs), charging the mound and narrowly avoiding a right hook from Shields by going all "Neo dodging the bullet in The Matrix with the sideways twist". When the dust settled, and the players separated, Coco was crisply suspended along with 6 other players for their part in the fracas but more importantly, no one was hurt, no one got a "golden thong wedgie" and there's absolutely no truth to the rumor that the Sox are going to sign Kimbo Slice to replace the injured Big Papi the next time the Rays come to town…

But guess who is hurt again? San Diego pitcher Mark Prior, who is now out for the season yet again with guess what? If you took "bum shoulder for $200" you are a winner! Prior's scheduled for yet another shoulder surgery so I just have to ask who at the HMO keeps clearing these by the way? Isn't there a limit on these sort of things? You Aetna folks, can I get a ruling here? But seriously, how many seasons now has this been with a season ending injury? They shoot horses for less than this don't they? Hey maybe they need to rename the Western Metal Supply Company building that serves as the left field wall at Petco Park? I say they call it the Western Glue Factory. I'm sure plenty of Cubs fans will agree with me on this one. Oh and don't think Mr. Prior's going to be the first occupant though. I hear that Big Brown's already got a bottle of Elmer's with his name on it. What can Big Brown do for you? Well if you've got any broken ceramic figurines, an airplane model that needs to be assembled or simply two pieces of construction paper that you need held together then you might want to give Rick Dutrow a call over at the newly re-named Western Supply…

With the price of gasoline so high these days are you looking for a cheap source of fuel? Well look no further than the right field bullpen at Shea where the New York Mets relievers continue to pour the petrol on the fire! The Gasoline Alley Crew has now blown something like six of the last eight games in which the Metropolitans starter has come out of the game in the 6th or 7th inning with the lead. Continuing to come up with new and creative ways to give us fans agita how about Scott Schoeneweis' "piece de resistance" the other night in San Diego? The very rare "walk off hit by pitch"! Mr. Schoeneweis? See that building over there in left field? Go. There. Now. Things have gotten so bad, that I heard that Mr. Met hasn't needed to fill the bullpen car up in months. Great, so Omar, how about we take all this money you're saving on gasoline and go get your team a decent reliever? Just pick up the phone and give Kansas City Royals GM Dayton Moore a Ya-booty call. Shake, shake, shake? Or maybe we can get Che Guevara in here to pitch to (Ramon) Castro? It's broken, let's fix it. I know where to get some really good glue! Need I say more? Please pardon me now while I end this column by first dipping this long stick covered in an oiled rag between Duaner Sanchez and Billy Wagner then lighting Joe Smith on fire…

June 5th, 2008

…"I, Mrs. Flinn, do depose and state, in early April 2008, my husband Michael told me that he had had a conversation with his brother Jim in which Jim admitted to using human growth hormone to enhance their team's chances of winning the Full Monty Fantasy Baseball League…"

Very well indeed! This week's new first place team, Michael and Jim Flinn's War and Misremembrance squad as they knock the Pink Flamingo from his perch. Now we'll never really know whether or not the Brothers Flinn went the PED route to get their team into first place but I can tell you with certainty that their two catchers are HGH-free for sure. How do I know this? Well count the number of homers between them thus far. That's right, the math is so simple a double amputee can do it without a calculator. Zero homers from their backstops thus far. Making them quite possibly the first team in league history to take over the top spot with a power outage behind the plate. Although I recall a few of Ian's teams, back in the day of the original Two Jew Crew, that had two Triple-A catchers on the roster come May. This was done by design, because he didn't want them dragging down his batting average. So it's into league's history books I go later tonight to see what I can see. Meanwhile, kudos to the Flinn boys, you done your mama proud. Now if you would both pee in the Dixie cup provided and leave it there on the counter on your way out that would be great…

While we're on the topic of winners, I see that the 2008 National Spelling Bee was won by 13 year old Sameer Mishra (and no he doesn't work for me) after spelling the word "guerdon" in the 16th round. The word is pronounced like "gird-in" means "a payment or reward". Forced to use this one in a sentence I might have to say "a guerdon the hand is worth two in the bush", no? Anyways, so yes this is cool that the kid knows how to spell these obscure words but the winning word was what, 7 letters? Come on, let's throw these child geniuses a real challenge and have the Full Monty Fantasy Baseball Spelling Bee. I bet we have a winner before the 6th round as kids are forced to spell words like "milewski", "mientkiewicz", "isringhausen", "saltalamacchia", "mastrangelo", "jurrjens", "matsuzaka", "endison", "asdrubal", (rock me) "amezaga" and of course "d'alessandro" (with one "L" and two "S"es). Marc's been in the league for how long and I still can't spell his last name right…

I hear they're remaking that dolphin movie "Free Willie" again. Yes, checking out the information floating around the 'Net I've found that the movie will star Mets GM Omar Minaya and that mascot from the Florida Marlins and will be titled Free Willie (Randolph From His Contract). Just for the record, I've taken an informal poll of all my Met fan friends, yes both of them, thank you Bruce and Mr. Robinson. As far as we're concerned Carlos Delgado, no matter how big a comeback he may have in the second half, is officially dead to us! Matter of fact, the Mets powerless, washed up, no range, weak hitting, Mendoza line flirting first baseman might as well just change his name from Delgado to Delfredo and call it a career… Nice touch recently by the Phillies to resign longtime catcher Mike Lieberthal to a one-day contract so he could retire from baseball as a member of the team he spent his best days with. Along similar lines, I am hereby allowing Neil Eskow and Marc Rabin to pick up Lieberthal for one day, preferably on the Sabbath, so that he can also retire as a rightful member of the Two Jew Crew…

Wow have times changed or what? Here's a "remember when" from back in the day when Lieberthal was a young catcher and Ian was still running the Jew Crew. I just read on ESPN.COM that former major league player Willie Mays Aikens was released from federal prison in Jesup, Ga., early Wednesday morning after spending nearly 14 years behind bars. So you're thinking who is Willie Mays Aikens, right? No, he's not the guy from the movie "Major League", that was Willie Mays Hayes ("I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes." "The American Express Card, don't steal home without it!"). Aikens, you might recall, was a first baseman for the Kansas City Royals who was sentenced to more than 20 years in prison after a 1994 incident in which he was found guilty of crack cocaine distribution, bribery and gun charges. Heck, they threw the freakin' book at the guy didn't they? An All Star first baseman gets 20 for crack cocaine back in '94? Guess they were a little tougher on the drugs back then, eh? Do that now and you're lucky if you get a footnote on page 432 of The Mitchell Report…

Well, lots of guys who've been around a long time (like since Aikens had his mug shot taken), have been coming close to some statistical milestones this week. First, we've got Chipper Jones (Larry! Larry!) reaching 400 homers for his career. Next, Manny Ramirez hit his 500th (and 501st) last week and we're just days away from Ken Griffey doing the Ding Thing for the 600th time in his storied career. Gee, the 400 Club, the 500 Club and the 600 Club. And now it's time for the 700 Club, with your host Pat Robertson…

Another milestone this past week was reached when Randy Johnson struck out the 4,673rd batter of his career to pass Roger Clemens for 2nd place all time on the career strikeout leader board. But not to worry Roger fans as The Rocket still leads the Big Unit in illegitimate affairs by a wide margin that I don't believe Johnson can match, especially with the advent of high definition television. Some things are just not made to be seen that well. Eva Longoria in hi-def? C'est magnifique! I could even handle Evan Longoria in hi-def, considering the Rays game was interesting. But Randy Johnson in all his 1080p glory? Let's just say he won't be endorsing Sharp Aquos anytime soon…

Anyone catch this mixed martial arts fighter, looks like Clubber Lang from the Rocky 3 movie (I pity the fool!), on TV the other night? As I'm watching him pummel his opponent into submission all I could think of was the Korean pitcher whose career just went into a slow death spiral after giving up those game winning homers in the 2001 World Series. Not sure why exactly but it probably had something to do with the fighter dude's name: (Byung-Hyun) Kimbo Slice… From the Separated At Birth Department I bring you Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aaron Harang and Chris Griffin, the son from the TV cartoon "The Family Guy". Don't believe me? Do a Google Image Search then call me a liar if you can…

Speaking of cartoons and old players I'm sure you all remember the Simpsons episode "Homer At The Bat" that aired in the cartoon's third season (which I believe Wille Mays Aikens was allowed to watch from prison). Well how well do you remember that episode actually? Well thanks to our own Doug Quat, we can find out fairly quickly. The link below this paragraph will take you to a 9 question quiz about that episode that Doug found out there on the 'Net. Click the link, take the full quiz, see how well you do and come back here to finish the column. Oh, and since we're a Simpsons themed league, if anyone gets less than an 80, please turn in your franchise to Smithers at the end of the season. Good luck!

http://www.mentalfloss.com/quiz/quiz.php?q=333

Now that you're back, a nice tidbit about this episode and some speculation from Doug Q follows and I quote… "This episode ran in '93, and Griffey is the only remaining active player. But I wonder if that nerve tonic he became addicted to and led to his gigantism contained HGH and helped his longevity? Since Roger and Jose were also in the episode, the odds are pretty good." Indeed I say, and by logical extension can't we also assume that Mr. Burns, and perhaps more importantly Smithers, were at Jose Canseco's pool party? Because we all know about Smithers weakness for pool parties. Perhaps there's a picture of Smithers and Brady Anderson in Canseco's hot tub? Not that there's anything wrong with that! And as Doug goes on to say "…plus, as we know, prior to becoming a nuclear power mogul Mr. Burns was a scientist (albeit a physicist, not a chemist). I'm sensing a BALCO connection with Victor Conte. In fact, I believe BALCO originally stood for Burns Amalgamated Liquid Chemical Operations…"

Finally, if congressional testimony, spelling bees, Carlos Corleone, retiring Jews (I want to go to Miami!), crack heads on parole, Randy Johnson in HD, bad-ass MMA fighters with Korean sounding names and Homer Simpson wasn't enough for you, I leave you with this quote from Tigers manager Jim Leyland. Leyland was explaining why Carlos Guillen was limited to designated hitter duties, and he added that the Tigers' third baseman "has been playing with hemorrhoids that probably need to be lanced" and "he can hardly move." Lanced? Yikes! So who knew Lance Berkman was a proctologist? And before I get myself into any more trouble.. 'nuff said! Commish out…