Let's begin this week with the news of Dodger pitcher Guillermo Mota, who was arrested on charges of DWI (stands for Dodger Who Imbibed), after being pulled over for Mota-ing just a bit too fast on the Ventura Freeway, which by the way is located in Glendale, California and is no relation to Yankee's third baseman Robin. When tested, Mota's blood alcohol level was .12, .02 over the state's legal limit. On the other hand his ERA and WHIP were both 1.32, well under the legal limit for National League middle relievers, and as such he was released on his own recognizance. Mota's arrest was at the hands of the California Highway Patrol, or CHiPs, as they're more commonly known. When asked to comment on the charges, Erik Estrada (a.k.a. Ponch), had nothing to say. His partner Jon (Larry Wilcox) however filled out the police report and stated that "…obviously Guillermo had one to many Cuervos and must've thought he saw Mike Piazza crossing the median…"

Onto Toronto next where the World Health Organization (Who's on first? Yes, the World Health Organization. WHO? Yes, exactly…) has determined that the SARS outbreak in the Canadian city is bad enough to warrant an advisory for all people traveling to the city. As a result we now have distinct proof for what The Commish has believed all along. That going to a Blue Jays game can be hazardous to your health! Or perhaps we can look at this in another way? Why can't the Blue Jays marketing department take advantage of this? Isn't the slogan obvious? "Come out to Skydome for an exciting game; Blue Jays baseball, it will take your breath away!" Obviously fearing the worst some ball players like Texas Ranger shortstop Alex Rodriguez have vowed to stay in their hotel rooms the entire time their teams play the Jays. Others like Red Sox pitcher John Burkett (now appearing in this column for the 2nd straight week), have refused to sign autographs for fear of contracting the deadly respiratory illness. As for me, I say to these visiting players, just slap on one of those Michael Jackson public appearance kits, you know, a surgical mask and a white glove, and take the field! Until we see half the Blue Jays bullpen going on the DL for shortness of breath, just play the damn games…

Are they still playing that St. Louis - Florida game from Sunday night? Or did both teams run out of pitchers in the 19th inning before Bud Selig declared the game a tie? Speaking of pitching, how about Kevin Millwood's no-hitter against the Giants? Not too shabby, eh? Oh, and in a related story, Johnny Estrada (no relation to Ponch) continues to suck… Yankee import Hideki Matsui has found himself in his first slump as a major leaguer, dropping his average all the way down into the .250's after a hot start. However, not too worry my friends, word out of the Yankee clubhouse is that Hideki has gotten himself a bucket of chicken and one of those little troll dolls with the bright orange hair! "F**k you Joe-bu, I do it myself!"…

With Randy Johnson on the DL, and the team in last place in the NL West, the Diamondbacks had to reach down to the minors and find someone good to boost their pitching staff in Unit's absence. Well what do you know? A quick look at the week's box scores reveals a guy named "A. Good" pitching for Arizona. What do you suppose the "A" stands for? Always? Guess he'd have to be if he's filling in for Randy? Actually, it's Andrew Good. But further investigation into the minors reveals two more "Good" pitchers out there. There's an "R. Good", which of course is Really Good, coming soon to a bullpen near you. And yet another Japanese pitcher is "O. Good", or as he known in the Land of the Rising Sun, Oh So Good… Rickey Henderson has signed on to play independent league baseball with the Newark Bears, the same city in which yours truly currently works! Better yet, let's hear the news from Rickey himself: "Rickey is happy to be playing in Newark. Rickey just wants to play near The Commish, who's almost as good a columnist as Rickey was a base stealer. Rickey hopes he can read about Rickey in the News & Notes column each week, and perhaps, if Rickey has a good season, The Commish will rename the league The Full Rickey…"

Dave Winfield strikes again! Here's a news clipping from the minor leagues that I feel kind of speaks for itself. I think you're all going to enjoy this one…

DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. -- A minor league pitcher accused of hitting an osprey with a baseball has been charged with harming a protected bird. Jae Kuk Ryu, a 19-year-old South Korean pitcher, was charged Thursday by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, the agency said. He faces a maximum fine of $500 and 60 days in jail for the second-degree misdemeanor. Ospreys are recognized by the state as a species of special concern, meaning their habitats are vulnerable. Ryu could not be reached for comment because he was traveling to Michigan, where he was sent to play for Lansing of the Class-A Midwest League after being demoted from the Class-A Daytona Cubs. Ryu will have to return to Volusia County to answer the charge. It was unclear when a hearing would be held. "He was remorseful," said Buck Rogers, general manager of the Daytona Cubs. "He knew he screwed up." Ryu was demoted Wednesday after witnesses said he knocked an osprey from its perch during Cubs pre-game practice Monday night at Jackie Robinson Ballpark. The male bird, which had been nesting with its mate and a brood of fuzzy chicks on a 40-foot light pole over left field, suffered a serious eye injury. The injured bird's chances for being released into the wild appeared bleak Thursday, when he was taken to the Audubon Center for Birds of Prey in Maitland. Clinic supervisor Drew Bickford said injured osprey are often put to sleep if they can't hunt for their own food, which is likely to be the bird's case. But center officials said the bird could also be sent to a nature center.

Ospreys are recognized as a "species of special concern"? Since when? And are you telling me that South Korean pitchers playing in the Cubs minor league system are not a "species of special concern"? What would you be more concerned about, some lazy bird with a hurt eye or this Jae Kuk Ryu guy's career? And before you all go calling the Audubon Society on me, how's about the evidence stating that the bird had "been nesting with its mate and a brood of fuzzy chicks on a 40-foot light pole over left field"? To that I say "That's one randy bird! Yeah baby! Do I make you horny?" How many of us would attempt this sort of orgy-like sexual activity while suspended 40 feet over a ball field? By the way that was a "brood of fuzzy chicks", not "the brooding Dixie Chicks". And finally, if Buck Rogers is the general manager of the Daytona Cubs, does that mean that the robot Twiki is the bench coach? "Be-deep be-deep be-deep!"

The fan violence continues unabated this week as Colorado's game with the Chicago Cubs on Friday night was delayed several times in the last two innings after fans started throwing seat cushions onto the field. Fans started throwing the giveaway cushions in the top of the eighth inning, flinging them like Frisbees from all three decks. Hey, what's wrong with throwing a seat cushion? They're soft and fluffy aren't they? And from what I hear, it was all just a misunderstanding. You see, the University of Colorado science department had group tickets to the game and when they found out it was Seat Cushion Night they decided to do an impromptu experiment on "the effects of seat cushion projectile flight in high altitude". Then again, ain't much fun hitting Carl Everett in the head with a soft, fluffy seat cushion is it? Somebody want to hand me my cell phone…

Some important league news to report this week! Is everybody feeling OK? Have we all been to the doctor recently? Because if not, may I ask why EVERYBODY had Esteban Loaiza at the top of their pitching pickup lists?! Mr. Laberge help me out here if you will. How does one say "already shot his load" en francais? And if that wasn't bad enough, a few of us (yes I'm guilty too!) had Shawn Chacon second! Guys, this is a ROCKIES STARTER! Remember that song from the 80's by Chaka Khan? "Shawn Chacon let me rock you, let me rock you Shawn Chacon"? Let me just say to the owner who wound up with him, "I Feel For You"… Quickly checking the standings we've got another new leader as it doesn't suck to be Neil Eskow, well at least for this week, as Sucks 2 B Me surges up 20 ˝ points from 5th place all the way to the top spot. Dropping down to 2nd due to a minus-18 ˝ are Matt & The Hat, however they're still in "Kevin Kelly has to wear the Benitez jersey" range… You're Killing Me Smalls rides a plus-18 ˝ from 14th place to 8th and going in the opposite direction are the Brothers Caruso as Vandalay Industries stock drops 20 points and into 10th place. The boys are blaming that one on their inability to DL Ben Grieve by the way…

And finally, as if it wasn't a bad enough time to be French did you hear the one about the French soccer player who celebrated a goal by stripping his shirt and putting his hand down his shorts and was fired Tuesday by his Turkish team? The team president said that the player's actions were "definitely against Turkish moral values and traditions." Gee, first off, I didn't realize that turkeys played soccer, and secondly, I guess I never took the time to realize that these Thanksgiving birds might actually have a set of moral values and traditions? Shame on me! The French player defended his actions by stating that "It was not against anyone. It was just a private sign of joy." Well either that, or a sign of enjoying one's privates! Oh well, all I can say is good thing this doesn't happen in baseball. Because if they threw out every player who's ever fixed their cup on national television, we'd have nothing but Montreal Expos left. And that's only because they don't ever appear on national television! Sacre bleu! (No that's a French expression, not a salad dressing, you're thinking of bleu cheese…)

Well that's about all we've got room for this week. I'm off to go mediate that Joe Torre - George Steinbrenner dispute over Jose "Mary Mary Quite" Contreras' minor league demotion. Now I don't think that's really what's going on here. I just think that since ex-Yankee Tino Martinez stole the back page of the New York Post last week with his pitching mound fight versus Miguel Batista, The Boss is just looking for a little back-page fight of his own… Or maybe Steinbrenner's just pissed because he heard Derek Jeter was rehabbing his shoulder 'til 3 in the morning? Anyway, more details to follow as they become available… 'til next week…

Click here to read previous "News and Notes" installments...