In the new movie "The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy", the book that the movie is named after has a cover on it that's stamped with the message "Don't Panic". Well it's become quite obvious that Yankee GM Brian Cashman and manager Joe Torre have neither read the book, nor dropped a 10-spot at the local Cineplex to see the movie as the panic button (yes the real big red one right next to the bullpen phone) is definitely being pressed in The Bronx! In a series of moves the Yankees have sentenced Bernie Williams' to some serious pine time, turned Tony Womack into the second coming of Roy White (and even Bobby Murcer would agree, wasn't one time around with Roy enough?), and reached down into Columbus and Trenton once again in search of some of that good old fashioned bottled up lightning. Oh, and did we mention that the Big Unit has a big groin issue? From pitching in the cold, perhaps? I told him to wear that sweater but the big guy just wouldn't listen…

The latest Yankee callups/guys they'll trade in September are AA pitcher Sean Henn (it's Henn right? This is not Sean Penn they're calling up is it?) and AAA infielder Robinson Cano. Hey is this Cano the same guy from that Mortal Kombat game? The one with the infra-red eyeball and the "Sonic The Hedgehog"-like finishing move where he rolled himself up into a ball and bowled over his opponent? Well that ought to be fun for the first guy who tries to break up a double play, no? But why are the Yanks going with this guy? If they're going to dip into the Mortal Kombat talent pool I think that Scorpion and Sub-Zero are way cooler than Cano. Or at least go for intimidation with that guy that grabs your heart out of your chest and shows it to you as his finishing move. Anyway, speaking of guys with no heart, I hear that Jaret Wright now wants a second opinion on his most recent injury. OK Jaret, you're ugly too! How's that for another opinion? So with a pitching staff being patched together from so many Henns, Beans and Wangs (oh my!), I think that if I'm a Yankee fan, I'm consulting that hitchhiker's guide myself and thumbing a ride cross-town over to Shea Stadium where the real action's gonna be this summer and fall…

Man, to Yankee fans, last Tuesday's 3HR 10RBI performance from A-Rod must seem like a month ago! OK, so what else is going on? I can't be writing about the Yankees problems all the time can we? What's that Walt? Oh we can? Cool, then we'll catch up with the worst Yankee team since the days of Stump Merrill next week, but for now let's move on to those nasty little things called steroids! Juan Rincon? Did I hear this right? Juan Rincon is a roid-head? I'm sorry, but hopefully we're building up to something bigger here as the season progresses because all we've gotten thus far is Alex Sanchez (who hit his first steroid-free homer on Monday night), Jorge Piedra (which is Spanish for "who the f***" is this guy?"), some minor league from the Rangers, a guy named Jamal Strong in the Mariners system (who's now going to be known as Jamal Skinny, eh!) and Juan freakin' Rincon!

Come on, I need more than journeymen outfielders and middle relievers getting thrown under the bus. Let's get a big name out there to whet our whistle, shall we? Or maybe this is why Bud Selig's all of a sudden proposing a 50 game ban for first timers and a lifetime ban for third time offenders? Like Al Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon, crazy old Bud is getting ready to call a few bluffs and threatening to throw out a body! "Attica! Atttica!" Well good for you Bud, after being made to look like an absolute buffoon by the NFL in last week's congressional hearings, it appears that Grandpa has finally woken up and smelled the Maxwell House! Where else does "three strikes and you're out belong than Major League Baseball"? Heck, they could market this with a nice little commercial and of course a song sung to the tune of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame":

Get real bulked up for the ball game