My team was in last place on Saturday so why don't I have Reggie Bush or Mario Williams on my roster? Instead I've got guys who hit like Homer Bush and Mario Mendoza! Guess I'm just playing the wrong sport here, aren't I? Well things could be a lot worse than being in last place in this league I guess. After all, I could be Delmon Young. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays prospect was none too pleased with Mr.Umpire earlier last week. Instead of just stating his displeasure verbally at debating the minutaie of calling strikes on the black part of home plate, Delmon decided that throwing the bat at the umpire would make more of a stronger statement and make him more of a man I guess. Delmon, don't you know the code of conduct in baseball? You don't mess with the Men In Black! Not only are you looking at an indefinite suspension, you just wait until Will Smith gets that big Cross pen looking De-neuralizer thingy out and wipes out all your memories! Then again; you were drafted by the Devil Rays so perhaps this is a good thing after all…

Yes things could definitely be worse, as in Steve Howe who died in a car crash this past week. It looks like the multi-time drug offender has met his maker. Or has he? Given that this was just his second car crash in his lifetime, I think St. Peter is going to re-instate him, since he has to have (at least by my count) about five more chances left, no? Speaking of getting second chances, what's up with this illegal immigration protest? Monday was officially dubbed "Day Without An Immigrant" as persons of non-national origin across the nation boycotted things and marched in protest of recent attempts to take the "illegal" out of "illegal alien". So many a lawn went uncut, orange groves in the South went unpicked and Motor Vehicle departments in the Northeast went unpopulated for a day. But perhaps the strangest impact of immigrants walking off their jobs for a day was felt in Major League Baseball when David Eckstein set a major league record by playing shortstop for every National League club on Monday night!

From protests lets move to celebrations, or lack thereof actually, as we find out that Bud Selig has officially let it be publicly known that there will be no celebration when Barry Bonds passes Babe Ruth on the all-time home run list. So no Celebration, eh? That's too bad because I think Kool & The Gang could really use the money they'd get from the royalties. Some may say this is a racial thing too, with Bonds being African American and Ruth being of the Caucasian persuasion, but I don't know? Unless of course, Selig let's Wild Cherry sing Play That Funky Music White Boy after Trevor Hoffman breaks the all-time save record later in the season that is. Then I think both Bonds, Kool and the whole gang have a legitimate beef… Moving on to the police blotter we see that former major league outfielder Derek Bell has been arrested and charged with felony cocaine drug possession. I bet the police sting operation that caught him was code named Operation Shutdown. Cocaine? Come on Derek, that's so 80's! If you're gonna get caught trafficking illegal substances, let it be something that even Bonds would be scared to take. I'm thinking some kind of muscle enhancer in a topical based cream made from bull semen and crazy glue maybe…

I'm going to report this next piece of baseball related news to you in a sentence or two then leave it alone as I think it stands on it's own. Former New York Mets outfielder Tsuyoshi Shinjo (I think you all remember him), is currently playing in the Japanese league again but plans on retiring next season to become a nude model. After writing that I can't just let that one lie there untouched. Who was that reliever on the Indians that did the Brokeback Bullpen video a few years ago in Japan because he "needed the money"? On second thought, maybe Hall & Oates was right, some things are better left unsaid… The other night, in a pitching matchup only Carmine "The Big Ragu" could love, Brad Penny faced off against Josh Marshall in the Dodgers-Cubs game. Yes folks that would be Penny Marshall as in "the chick who played Laverne". And if that wasn't enough, also in attendance at that game, watching from the press box, was none other than David Lander, the actor who played Squiggy. All we needed was Lenny Harris and former pitcher Bob Shirley and we could've bought a round of Schlotz beer and schlemeiled and schlamozzled all night!

Just a few more paragraphs left in this column which means it must be time for our weekly trip around the Full Monty League standings. Hey, if Shinjo goes into nude modeling does he get an instant induction into the "full monty" hall of fame? Yes, yes, I know, don't be afraid to leave things unsaid… Anyway, Kevin Shanley remains on top this week (don't make me go there!), enjoying a 7 point lead over The Old Swine, who are enjoying their highest standing in quite some time, obviously due to The Robinson Factor. Third and fourth place belong to two teams on the rise. Bruce and Alex yo-yo from 1st-to-7th-to-3rd in a three week span as they pull into a bronze medal tie with Ray Boyce's Cleveland Steamers (can someone open a window and light a match) this week's biggest movers at + 21 ˝ points. This week's biggest loser, the Intentional Walts, who drop minus-15 ˝ and plummet from 4th to 9th place. Might be time to jettison some of those Yankees don't you think Walt?

My favorite "partner diss of the week" comes from John Wrobel (an avid Devils fan by the way), co-owner of the He-Man Yankee Haters Club with Don Cardoza (a New York Rangers season ticket holder). Don submitted a list of choices to fill his 2B position with Ray Durham going on the DL and John replied back and added Marlins 2B Dan Uggla to the end of their list. Then proceeded to bring the following little factoid to my attention:

Incidentally, I checked the definition of "Uggla" in Webster's online, and it defined the word as follows: