And be free, free fallin'

We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors. Next up on the playlist the song "I Don't Need No Doctor" by the band Humble Pie and dedicated to the memory of Chris Coghlan's knee and the death of the post-game celebration. Following that and staying with the same theme it's a blast from the past, the classic song parody from The Commish from back in the day when a disastrous Mets road trip resulted in them being knocked out of playoff contention. Just like what's happening right now! Gee, what a co-inky-dink. Click on this link to hop in the Wayback Machine and be sure to sing along while following the bouncing Bobby V. DJ Rhymes, give me a beat and take us outta here...

July 13th, 2010

"Your attention please, ladies and gentlemen. Now batting... For St. Peter... Announcer... #99... Bob Sheppard... #99..."

Long time Yankees public address announcer Bob Sheppard died this past week just three months shy of his 100th birthday. Anyone who's been to Yankee Stadium knows Sheppard's voice even if they don't know the man behind it. He became known as "The Voice of God" for the way his words echoed in the ballpark and seemed to be coming down from "on high" instead of just emanating from the PA system and the speakers in each section. For you 80's movie fans out there, please don't confuse this Voice of God with the "Voice" from the Val Kilmer movie "Real Genius". Kent, stop playing with yourself...

Sheppard's booming voice and distinctive cadence brought a certain gravitas and formality to each at-bat. Today, instead of the baritone "now batting", we get treated to wonderful (and thankfully) short sound bites from rap songs and Latin grooves, personally chosen by each batter from amongst their favorite tunes and played in all their tinny, high pitched glory by the stadium DJ or some iPod automaton. I know he's only been in there a few days at most, but I'm sure as soon as he hit the grave, Sheppard rolled over a few times to catch up!

Given this current state of ballpark affairs I think someone now needs to write a rap song, and sample The Voice of God's famous intro, so it can be played as someone's at-bat music. I'm looking at you Jay-Z (for the song) and you Derek Jeter (to use it for your at-bats). I think all Yankee fans will agree with me that hearing Sheppard pronounce "Der-rek Jeet-ter Number Two" was cool (even if you're a Red Sox fan who always snickered at the "#2" part), but my favorite intro was "Al-var-o Ess-pee-nosz-za".

So can we make this song thing happen? It's not like this would be the first appearance of a Yankee announcer in a song as we all remember Phil Rizzuto's turn in Meatloaf's "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" right? The Scooter calls a ball game while two teenagers are "doing their thing" in a car parked at a lake. "... a line shot up the middle look at him go that boy can really fly... ...he's gonna try for second... ...here he comes, he's out! No, wait, safe--safe at second base, this kid really makes things happen out there... ...he's trying for third, here's the throw, it's in the dirt--safe at third! Holy cow, stolen base!... ...here's the throw, there's the play at the plate, holy cow, I think he's gonna make it!..."

Stop right there. I gotta know right now if we can update this little ditty, substituting parts of Rizzuto's call to bring it up to date? How about we start the riff off with Sheppard's voice making his traditional call, with a few specifics tweaks "Your attention please, ladies and gentlemen. And I do mean gentlemen don't I? Now batting, in the car by the lake, #69, horny teenagers, #69." We leave the middle part there with Rizzuto all the way to the part where the guy reaches third base. Then instead of the girl putting the kibosh on things and the suicide bunt, squeeze play ending; which never really made sense because who squeeze bunts with two outs, we change it to a walk off homer, building up the drama as we switch to John Sterling's "It is high... It is far... It is, gone!" and climaxing (all puns intended) with "The Yankees win, theeee Yannnnkeeees wiiinnn!" Now I realize that to some of you, putting John Stirling in the same conversation with Rizzuto and Sheppard is sacrilege on my part. To that I'll simply say just be grateful that I stopped there. I could've put Suzyn Waldman in the front seat of that car by the lake, don'tcha know? Yes, you're welcome for the visual...

Muppet news flash! This just in... As I'm typing this I'm also hearing that longtime Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has died of a heart attack at the age of 80. More on this in a future column but my initial reaction upon hearing the news was two-fold. First, you wonder if Bob Sheppard is already set up to announce his entrance at The Pearly Gates, and yes I acknowledge that you Red Sox fans will question the whole "what makes you think George is going upstairs" concept. Secondly, Steinbrenner's a Cleveland native isn't he? Really bad week for that city, eh? Given George's penchant for drama over the years, perhaps he just faked the heart attack and is really going to join the Miami Heat? Everyone that old retires to South Beach anyway, don't they? Seriously though, rest in peace Herr Steinbrenner, we may not have all loved you but we're certainly going to miss you and your antics...

July 9th, 2010

What the heck, everyone else is writing about it this morning so why shouldn't I? Cue up that Will Smith song "Miami" will ya? Yeah like that guy needs the royalties...

Here's my two cents on the Lebron television infomercial last night; and it's only two cents mind you since that's all the Heat have left under the salary cap. I was a bit disappointed that ESPN was already leaking "Lebron to choose Miami" hours before the show. If anything I wanted the presentation to be more suspenseful and dramatic. For example, they could've had Ryan Seacrest show up at 9:45 and start with "To vote for Cleveland, dial 1-800-LEBRON1, for Chicago 1-800-LEBRON2, etc. I was also hoping that James might put three team hats on a cardboard box table and do a little three card monty (or three card Monta Ellis) shuffle. "Where's Lebron, see The King?, Who's got $20"... Instead we open the show with an introduction that went something like this, "Horse. Barn. Cat. Bag."

Also would've been nice had they cut to new Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov and all the other executives of the spurned teams after James made his decision. Prokhorov could've been all decked out in red boxing trunks with gold trim with Cold War era machinery whirring away in the background and done his best Ivan Drago, "sorry Lebron, now I must break you!" Is that a loaded pistol I see on the right side of Donnie Walsh's desk right next to that handwritten note? And would you look at this, here's a video thank you from none other than Art Modell! Speaking of Cleveland, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert's response had enough venom in it to get him cast in "Godfather 4" if it ever gets made. Let's just call him LeFredo James in Cleveland from now on shall we? The last thing I'll say about this is a prediction. Remember, you heard it here first (unless Stephen A. Smith has already speculated the same), these guys need a center and the Heat have no money so I'm guessing sometime in the next 24 - 48 hours that Shaq is going to "bienvinedo a Miami" and offer to come back to South Beach and play for free! Makes perfect sense doesn't it? He certainly doesn't need the money and now Kobe's got more rings than he does, just sayin'...

Speaking of circuses, I'm perusing the box scores the other day and trying to see if I recognize any names in the Boston box score and what do I find? There's a guy named Molina at catcher. A quick look up reveals this mysterious Molina's first name is Gustavo. Could this be yet another in a long line of backstopping Molina brothers? If it is, does this now put them on par with the placekicking Gramaticas and Zendejas(es)? Can we get a reality game show challenge type thing working here in the vein of that 70s made for television classic, "The Superstars"? Or better yet, one of those "Circus With The Stars" type shows, also very popular in the 70s. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Big Top where I present to you the high wire walking, trapeze swinging, daredeviltry and aerial antics of the death defying, Flying Molina Brothers! On second thought, scratch that one from the record, the thought of Bengie in a lycra suit just made me push my lunch hour back to 2PM... Alas, it turns out that Gustavo is not blood related to Bengie, Yadier or Jose, not even one of those third cousin thrice removed on his mothers side kind of deals, and amongst the Gramaticas there is much rejoicing!

While we're on the subject you know who would be a great "fourth Molina"? Hollywood actor Alfred Molina, who played the many-armed villain Doc Ock in the "Spiderman" movies. I'm sure that with all those arms he'd be great for the Sox, certainly have no problem catching Wakefield's knuckler. Be like having Doug Mirabelli in octal. Passed balls? What passed balls? Although I wonder which of the eight arms he'd put the catcher's mitt on though?

As always got to give credit where it's due so thanks to my News & Notes beta testing team of DQ, Intentional Walt and the other Frere Legere for providing much of the content for the Molina paragraph in one of our infamous Friday afternoon e-mail tangents last week. If you haven't done so already, I strongly encourage you to hop into the Wayback Machine and vote for your favorite Wacky Racer in the poll embedded in the article below this one. Wacky Racer? What are you talking about? Well read on my friend and you'll find out, and hopefully be nostalgically surprised in the process...

July 8th, 2010

Racing sausages, rushing presidents and running kielbasa are so yesterday! If I may quote the great William Joel, "there's a new band in town but you can't get the sound from a story in a magazine". The latest and greatest in the ballpark racing craze takes us to Arizona where we find the Diamondbacks have unveiled the Legends Race. A contest in which folks dressed up as caricatures of famous D'backs players, with very big heads I might add, run a footrace between innings for the fans' enjoyment. The featured "legendary" players are World Series hero Randy Johnson, former player and current team announcer Mark Grace and a pair of sluggers, Matt Williams and Luis Gonzalez. Click here to watch the video of the inaugural race, held on July 2nd and won by... well just watch the video to find out!

I've got no problem with the players picked here, they all represent the Diamondbacks limited history well, but I have to wonder why the other half of the 2001 World Series co-MVPs, namely Curt Schilling, was left out? Well when I posed this question to some of the folks in the league, Dougie Q summed it up best speculating that despite the cartoonish enormity of these heads, I guess they still couldn't find one big enough for Schilling, eh? And speaking of big heads I guess it's fitting that Williams and Gonzalez were chosen because given the path of PEDs in their past, those heads are actually quite close to their actual playing size aren't they? Speaking of heads, isn't that Alcor Life Extension place located in Arizona too? You know the one where Ted Williams' head is cryogenically frozen? Well how about we get that baby off ice one of these weekends and have The Splendid Splinter join the Legends Race and go bounce-bounce-bouncing along down the foul lines after The Big Unit and the boys?

Not sure why this one race in particular got me all nostalgic but while watching that video I was overcome with the need to revisit my Saturday morning cartoon childhood days. As I so often do in this space I like to sprinkle a little pop culture in with my baseball notes so I went to seek out some information about the famous Hanna Barbera animated series "The Wacky Races". We all remember this one don't we? Eleven cars, complete with crazy characters in each, race all over the world competing for the title of "The World's Wackiest Racer". All while the "evil" Dick Dastardly and his dog Muttley do everything in their power to cheat and scheme their way to a victory that never comes. Great stuff from back in the day! For those of you who do remember, I ask you to participate in the poll below and tell us which character was your favorite and invite you to leave a comment in the results section after voting. Need help remembering the show and what the cars looked like? Then just click here for the descriptions, and then here for the pictures.

Aside from Dick Dastardly, which was your favorite Wacky Racer? The Slag Brothers in the Bouldermobile The Gruesome Twosome in Creepy Coupe Professor Pat Pending in the Convert-a-car Red Max in the Crimson Haybailer Penelope Pitstop in the Compact Pusycat Sergeant Blast and Private Meekley in the Army Surplus Special The Ant Hill Mob in the Bulletproof Bomb Lazy Luke and Blubber Bear in the Arkansas Chuggabug Peter Perfect in the Turbo Terrific Rufus Roughcut and Sawtooth in the Buzzwagon view results

July 7th, 2010

According to our good man Webster the term "snub", when used as a verb, is defined as "to dismiss, turn down, or frustrate the expectations of". Well then surely a few folks had their expectations frustrated this week when the rosters were announced for the All Star Game.

Let's bring up SnubHub.com in our Internet browsers and start with the National League where the Red's Joey Votto got positively blotto'ed. How do you pass up, dismiss and turn down a guy who's amongst the league leaders in every offensive category that counts and is a team leader for the Central Division leading club? I know he's still alive in the Final Man fan voting, "Vote-O for Votto", but you think with the rosters already expanded to 475 players on each side, this sort of thing wouldn't happen anymore. The league leader in OPS (On Base Percentage Plus Slugging) is an Obvious Prominent Snub. On the pitching side of the Senior Circuit, how can there be no love for the Western Division leading Padres? They've got no less than four (4) starters ranked amongst the top 20 in ERA so someone belongs on this team, don't they? The fact that not one of the boys from Petco gets to go to the All Star show is something that should not be tolerated. Especially with the numbers rookie Mat Latos has been putting up for San Diego in the first half. Matter of fact, you might say this snub in particular is a bit Latos intolerant.

What's with this Omar Infante selection? Is the Home Run Derby being replaced with BuntFest 2K10? Reminds me of the time Chris Nilan made the NHL All-Star Game because someone decided that the game needed some checking. Is Infante even a regular? Apparently the managers were told to select one "versatile" player who can play multiple positions since there's a new rule this year that says one player is allowed to go back into the game after being removed. I'm down with that and I like the rule but if anyone's going back in the game it's a guy like Pujols pinch hitting in the 12th with the winning run on base, not Omar Infante playing the hot corner for defensive purposes. Guess you could do both though, couldn't you? Re-insert and pinch-hit Pujols for anyone at that point, then throw Omar The Gloved One into whatever position is vacated by the player Pujols batted for. Well then, count me in for this defensive versatility thing and it's a shame no one thought of this sooner because somewhere Tony Phillips, the grandfather of fantasy baseball multi-position eligible players, is turning over in his grave. Oh what's that, he's not dead yet? Well then, we can't take him like that, it's against regulations.

Moving over to the American League where there was significantly less snubbing, followed by lots of subbing. Many of the Junior Circuit's OPS guys (see the end of the Votto discussion above for a reminder of what OPS now stands for), including Anaheim homeboy Jered Weaver, have found their way onto the team since the initial rosters were announced as other pitchers have either declined their invitations to the dance or gotten injured. From the very forgettable 1996 movie "Last Man Standing", here's Bruce Willis to present the nominees and campaign slogans for the American League Final Man vote. The nominees are... From the Red Sox Kevin Youkilis ("Uncle Sam Wants Youk"), the Yankees Nick Swisher ("Heal The Swisher King"), Chicago's Paul Konerko ("Don't Be A Jerko, Vote Konerko"), Twins outfielder Delmon Young ("I'm Not Dmitri, I'm The Drug Free Brother") and from the Texas Rangers, Michael Young ("I Sing Better Than William Hung, Cast Your Vote For Michael Young"). Personally I wish Jamie Moyer was in there as well trying to woo votes with the slogan "Change-ups You Can Believe In". Or better yet, three deserving yet left out NL stars in Jeff Keppinger, Jorge Cantu and Tyler Clippard team up to get the collective vote with the catchy slogan of "Keppy, Cantu and Tyler, too!"

I'm off to cast my ballot on MLB.COM. Who am I voting for? I'm not telling. By the way, hope all you Monty Python fans found that hidden link in the Omar Infante paragraph. It's long past April but The Commish is still hiding Easter eggs...