Not a good week to be George Steinbrenner, eh? First his Yankees fall into last place, then his prize racehorse Bellamy Road finishes 7th in the Kentucky Derby despite going off as the morning line favorite. Man, with all that going on, I'm surprised the NY Post wasn't running a back page exclusive about how Brian Cashman woke up on Sunday morning with Bellamy Road's head on the pillow next to him!

Now, I'd have to check my calendar but if I'm not mistaken the Yankees fell into last place on May 5th, which was Cinco De Mayo. Or perhaps that should be Stinko De Mayo as it will now be forever known in the annals (that's two "N"s there Kevin, don't get excited) of Yankee lore. And what better way to celebrate Stinko De Mayo then having a little Drinko De Mayo? Well we all know Yankee fans are drinking heavily these days, and these aren't "we are the champions" toasts we're talking about here either! So to help ease the burden of rooting for a last place team, and to make the medicine go down in the most delightful way, COMMISH.COM presents the rules for its New York Yankees Drinking Game. Oh and while you play, you might want to order up some of those Chili Davis Baby Back Ribs, I hear they're delicious and pull right off the bone, just like Nomar's groin muscle!

The rules for this game are real simple, just wait for any of the events listed below to occur during a Yankees game and perform the proper imbibement as indicated. We'll start with 10 rules, feel free to make up more as you go along (and send them to me!) So if I may propose a toast to start off the game? "Here's to you Yankee Fans (OK now Kevin you can get excited and insert that famous Andrew Dice Clay line here)"…

For every time…

  • You hear the phrase "past a diving Jeter", take two sips of beer.
  • Hideki Matsui
    - Fails to get to a ball in center, take four sips, of Sapporo or Kirin beer.
    - For every throwing error, a cup of sake.
  • Jason Giambi comes to the plate, drink the number of sips equal to 200 minus his current batting average.
  • Randy Johnson throws one high and outside, looking like he's just been called up from the California Penal League, do a shot of something cold.
  • Alex Rodriguez grimaces at the plate looking like his thong is too tight, take two sips.
  • Kevin Brown gives up a ground ball single up the middle, take three sips. Take an extra two if he looks pissed about an infielder not getting to it.
  • Gary Sheffield denies having used steroids, chug a Red Bull and vodka. Also, take one additional sip for every instance of the words "cream", "clear" or "big fat liar"
  • Robinson Cano gets on base, do a shot of your favorite tequila. Don't worry, you're safe here and probably won't be doing this one too much. Subsequently, if and when Robinson Cano gets sent back down to Columbus, finish what's left in the bottle.
  • You see Chien Ming Wang
    - and think to yourself "No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food", take two sips and eat a Yankee Frank.
    - If instead you blurt out "Ooh. Sexy Girlfriend. What's happenin' hot stuff?" then make the nearest female (who you should find in the kitchen making those little Yankee Franks in a Blanket hors d'eouvres), take three sips.
  • You hear the John Sterling call "it is high, it is far…"
    - If "it is caught", take five sips,
    - if "it is outta here" and it's the opposing team, chug a beer.
    - If it's a Yankee homer, and the Yankees win (thhheeeee Yankees win!) you may eat a few crackers and cheese to soak up some of the damage you've done to your liver during the course of the game.

    See, it's really an easy game, and fun too! Of course, make sure you lock Daddy's liquor cabinet back up when you're finished and make sure Anthony Michael Hall isn't trapped under the glass coffee table when everybody leaves….

    Drinking games can be real fun, so long as no one gets hurt. Unlike these next few guys I've pulled from the transaction wire, who are all hurt, some a little worse than others. The Phils have placed Tim Worrell (0 - 1 9.82 ERA, 2.27 Ratio) on the DL for personal reasons. Yeah, like he sucked! You don't get any more personal than that… And check out this injury! The Detroit Tigers have placed pitcher Troy Percival on the 15-day disabled, retroactive to May 8, with a partial tear of his right flexor pronator muscle mass. Where exactly can one find one's flexor pronator muscle mass? Other than on the right obviously, or maybe there's a left one also? I don't think even our own resident injury maven Dr. Kelly knows what this is?

    Man, these injuries keep getting weirder and more specific as we find out exactly which parts of which muscles these guys "broke". Can't be long now before we find out that someone's on the 15-day DL because they tore a quark and pulled a few neutrinos. But don't worry, since we've got quantum physics involved now, they went on the DL on Monday but came back the previous Friday in time for the prior weekend's series! Let's see Buddy Selig figure out a way to punish that!

    Also in need of some punishment is the son of Red Sox legend Carl Yastrzemski, name of Michael, who had the audacity to steal his famous father's identity and run up some serious credit card bills in Carl's name before his own recent death from surgery complications late last year. Gee, you think if he's gonna steal someone's identity, and a Sox legend at that, he would've stolen one a little easier to spell? I mean, "Jim Rice" would be the obvious choice here, but of course, wouldn't work for obvious reasons. But perhaps "Fred Lynn"? Anyway, I guess there are worse things the son of a left-field legend could do to his father? Hey Carl, first off you don't have to pay your dead son's debts and count your blessings because that ain't your head floating in a jar of formaldehyde at Alcor…

    Staying with the Red Sox, some sad news as we learn that the Red Sox clubhouse chef died this past week after falling from the roof of a parking garage after he'd attended Game 7 of the Celtics-Pacers NBA playoff series. The police aren't stating the exact cause of death, but I hear they suspect foul play. According to notes taken by the officer at the scene, eyewitnesses say that the last words the chef spoke were "Hello Children!" and that a small child dressed in an orange parka was seen fleeing the scene heading in the direction of Dorchester…

    And speaking of running away, I've just checked the latest standings and my team is so bad (buried in 15th place at press time) that I'm thinking of leaving my co-owner Kevin by faking my own abduction and becoming the Runaway Owner! Better yet, maybe I can just arrange to have Kevin abducted, dumped in the East River, collect the insurance, bet it on Bellamy Road in the Preakness, spend the winnings on 2nd half performance transactions to improve our moribund franchise and avoid controversy altogether? Hmm, decisions, decisions… 'til next week…

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