With apologies to the Five Man Electrical Band and Tesla, fire up The Commish's karaoke machine please…

Signs, signs, everyone's stealing signs
Pissing off LaRussa, Baylor and their kind
Hit this, don't throw that, can't you read the signs?

Well not exactly the way it was written back in 1971, but I think it serves as a good intro for this week's lead story. Besides, the Piano Man wasn't too busy this week. Just one move for Jim "Babe" Kalach, and "Bring back Marquis, you're the Piano Man" just doesn't cut it in the humor department. On to the news! We've got a nice feud heating up between the Cardinals and the Cubs as both Tony LaRussa and Don Baylor have gotten into quite a war of words over some alleged sign stealing by both teams. Now I say "why can't we all just get along in the NL Central"? Just stop all the bickering and make up! For crissakes, while you stand here arguing, the Reds and Pirates are running away with the division! Just what Papa Bud needs, small market teams in first place at the All Star Break! Now my plan for reconciliation is quite simple. First the Cubs need to return the Stop sign and the Yield sign that they stole back to the Cards. Then the Redbirds will give back the Railroad Crossing and No U-Turn signs to the Cubbies. Finally, after that's complete, I don't care which team took it, I just want to make sure the "Bridge May Freeze Before Road Surface" sign gets put back in it's proper place as well… That being said, somebody hit the "play button"! "And the sign said anyone against contraction will be shot on sight"…

Now I've got a little league business to attend to before continuing. My apologies to everyone involved in Tuesday's Austin Kearns Incident. You see, Austin, through no "Powers" of his own became quite the International Man of Mystery on Tuesday. With Brian Boghosian scooping up coveted Danny Bautista, everyone needing an outfielder had Kearns next on their list, including the Other Brian, Mr. Legere, who had no right even having a list since Manny "Pull My Finger" Ramirez wasn't even on the DL yet (and I'm not even going near Phil Nevin right now!). Well, making a long story short, one misplaced e-mail and one last minute transaction later, I had mistakenly assigned Austin to the Quat Thrusts, while The Brothers Flinn were left with an injured player and no replacement. Seeking Justice (yes, David needed to go on the DL) on Tuesday morning, Mike "The Mighty" Flinn rightfully claimed Austin as his stone-cold own, by virtue of them sucking worse that The Thrusts who were higher in the standings. After presenting the "lost" e-mail as proof (later found to have been sent on Sunday night, and we wonder why AOL stock is dropping so fast? Are you listening Mr. Case?) and convincing The Commish that it was not a forgery, Kearns (Austin, not Joanna of Who's The Boss fame) was taken away from The Thrusts and awarded to The Flinns. A tearful Doug Quat was left holding Rickey Henderson as his door prize and Kearns' Monday night performance (1 HR, 3 RBI, 1 SB) went with Austin as well. My apologies for all the confusion! Everything's been corrected and re-posted. And Rickey says that "Rickey is happy to be a member of the Thrusts, a team that Rickey has always wished that Rickey could play for some day before Rickey's career was over"…

So where do we go next? Jose Canseco retiring after hitting less than his IQ for the White Sox AAA club? Climate controlled balls in Colorado? Hey, somebody keep Kevin Kelly away from his e-mail! I just know there's a comment coming my way about Larry Walker's testicles after that one… How about Jesse Orosco pitching to Tim Raines late in the Dodger/Marlins game last week? I'm not sure which of the three is older, Orosco, Raines, or the aforementioned Joanna Kearns, who played that elderly nymphette Mona on Who's The Boss… Perhaps we care to comment on The Commish's affection for all things Young as he trades Dmitri (Young) for Kevin (Young), just one week after releasing Michael (Young). Man that guy sure is restless, in fact, one might say he's young and, oh never mind… Getting back to that Colorado situation where they're storing game baseballs in a humidor. Uh-oh, I should've known! "You've got mail!" Yep, Mr. Kelly with a Mike Hampton and Monica Lewinsky joke! Man, that guy works fast…

A couple more things to point out before I leave you for another week. The Marlins have a rookie reliever named Oswaldo Mairena and I'm not sure which angle to take on this one. I mean I've got enough material with this one guy to do a Where's Oswaldo paragraph, a Lee Harvey Oswaldo comment or a Latin dance song parody (Hey! Macarena!). I don't know, maybe I'll put it to a vote in next week's poll? And speaking of polls, cast your votes early for the next FOX Celebrity Boxing extravaganza. According to information sent to me by the new owner of Rickey Henderson, the next TV special will feature the following bouts. Olga Korbut versus Darva Conger (The Commish likes Darva over Olga in this one). Now get this, the 2nd match features John Wayne Bobbitt versus Joey Buttafucco, and you just know Kevin Kelly's already got money on this one! Which reminds me, when is John Wayne Bobbitt bobble-"head" day at Shea? And finally, in the main event, it's gonna be 7-foot-7 Manute Bol versus William "The Refrigerator" Perry! As Doug says, "you can't make this stuff up"! That's next Wednesday, May 22nd at 8:30 on FOX. Queue up the TIVO and be sure not to miss it!

Well that's about all the space I'm allotted for this week. Remember that if you've made a transaction, your team's photo has changed! New pictures for you to hang up in your office cubicle and throw darts at! Seriously, I picked up a cheap set of darts (about five bucks and they stick real well in that stuff they make cubicles out of) and the team picture prints out quite nicely on a half sheet of paper. Makes for great stress relief when I'm reading the box score and my guy goes 0 for 4 or gives up 8 earned runs in two and a third. You oughta try it for yourself! 'til next week…

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