|
So do we have any more dead birds to write about this week? Besides the Baltimore Orioles that is? OK, then let's talk about the Mets for awhile… "Shave and a haircut, two bits!" Two bits of what I ask? Two bits of controversy perhaps! What is it about Met shortstops named Rey? They all seem to hit well below the Mendoza Line and they all seem to just do something totally stupid at least once a season? For the Mets shortstop formerly known as Ordonez, it was a weak stick and a big mouth, calling the fans "stupid"; that ultimately did him in. For the current-day-Rey, a modern Adonis named Sanchez, it was a .172 batting average and the gall to actually get an in-game haircut that has the fans chanting "Rey Rey go away"! So what's so bad about getting a little coif during the home half of the inning, I ask? Gotta look good when you go out there for the grounders, no? Now I was going to immortalize this latest stupid moment in Mets history with a song parody, but I couldn't decide whether to use George Thorogood's "Get A Haircut (and Get A New Job)", something from the Broadway play "Hair" (you think Sanchez is an Aquarius?), or maybe even a song from 80's dance band Haircut One Hundred? But then I decided the lyrics wouldn't work too well (although Walt did intrigue me with a potential "Cuts Like A Knife" suggestion) so I figured I'd just write the frustration off my chest… Well if you ask me, the haircut itself wasn't so bad, but how about the man who supposedly played Delilah to Rey "Samson" Sanchez? None other than Armando Benitez, the new Demon Barber of Fleet Street! And yes, for my brother the 80's pop music freak, that would make Armando a "Modern Day Delilah". And a pair of tickets to last Sunday's Mets-Padres Mother's Day Drizzle Fest for anyone other than my bro who can named the singer of that song Modern Day Delilah and at least one of the two Top 40 hits from Haircut One Hundred… Now I don't mean to go off on a rant here, but hey, at least Rey didn't bleach his hair! Of course, had he done that he would've needed to have Benitez step aside and call in shampoo girl Bret Saberhagen with the Super Soaker but that would've meant he'd probably miss taking the field for the top half of the inning in one of those Thurman Thomas "where's my helmet, the Super Bowl's about to kick-off" moments, as he's also forced to fold a pair of jacks in the hole, ceding the Seven Card Draw pot to Bobby Bo or Henderson (and when did Rickey drive in from Newark?) while dodging leftover firecrackers still on the dugout stairs from the Vince Coleman days like so many unexploded bombs in the suburbs of Baghdad (or are those pamphlets or MRE's?), all because Mayor Bloomberg laid off all the Shea Stadium and city sanitation workers so he could balance the freakin' city budget and get his 32% approval rating up, which by the way, at 32%, is still at least five points higher than Armando's save percentage! Oh, excuse me Mr. Klapisch, I was just leaving… Whew! Sorry 'bout that but I got on a roll… So while we're on the subject of Mets who bleach their hair, how about this Mike Piazza to first base stuff? You know the New York Post is always a good place to announce these kind of things, especially if you haven't yet told the person whom you're planning to move there! Bobby V, all my utmost apologies for the endless times I've ripped you in this column, although I won't take back the American Pie song parody, that was my Mona Lisa! It's obviously Stevie Boy Phillips that I should've been tearing to shreds. Let's play word association here for a moment. Steve Phillips… Wilson Phillips… John Phillips… Mamas and the Papas… Mama Cass… Big & Fat… Most Likely To Choke On A Ham Sandwich… Mo Vaughn… First Base… Mike Piazza… See how easy it is when you know how! Oh wait, there's more! Mike Piazza starred with Alf in the 10-10-220 commericals, Alf starred with Max Wright (the guy who played the father), who was in Snow Falling On Cedars with Ethan Hawke, who was in Great Expectations with Gweynth Paltrow, who was in the Royal Tenenbaums with Gene Hackman, who was in The Mexican with Julia Roberts, who was in Flatliners with Kevin Bacon… That's it, I am a pop culture maven, bring on The Boston Sports Guy, who by the way, virtually never writes on ESPN Page 2 anymore! Sorry, the lack of a regular Sports Guy column (Death to The Jimmy Kimmel Show!) is actually bothering me more than the Rey Sanchez haircut… Before actually taking over first base duties the Mets would like Mike Piazza to prepare for the rigors of the position. So aside from taking ground balls in practice, Mike will also practice devouring the entire post-game buffet as well as begin tearing all the cartilage out of his knee… By the way, did the stats for the Rey Sanchez haircut show up instantly on the ESPN GameCast play-by-play?… Hey what do you call a fish with no arms? The Florida Marlins pitching staff!… Congratulations to Rafael Palmeiro on joining the 500 Club. 100 more homers for Raffy and he'll join the prestigious 600 Club, amongst the likes of Barry Bonds and Willie Mays. Only 200 more for the Viagra spokesman and he'll join the 700 Club with your host, Pat Robertson… Are new Marlins manager Jack McKeon and former Buffalo Bills head coach Marv Levy the same guy? Didn't they both come out of that Cocoon ship with Don Ameche, Wilford Brimley and Steve Gutenberg? And wasn't Kevin Bacon in that movie too? Oh, never mind, on to bigger news… Dateline Tampa, Rocker's back! Sorry, John, we've now got assigned seats on the 7 train. We might be able to slide you in there on the end between the anti-war French dude and the turban wearing, tote bag carrying Yemeni with the pilot's license. Or maybe you'd rather be over here near this end of the car next to the 18 year old, pregnant, purple haired Anna Nicole Smith look-alike (current day on E! mind you, not the Playboy days!) who's wearing a blaring set of headphones as she listens to her illegally downloaded Marilyn Manson MP3's… Before I leave you for the night (sorry, I've got my priorities, Goldberg's fighting Christian in a steel cage match on WWE's RAW tonight), a quick trip around the Full Monty… Rookie Bruce "B.S." Lerman breaks his trading cherry (or maybe it's his Darryl Strawberry?), as he goes fishing for Salmon, Tim that is… Matt & The Hat, besides holding down the top spot this week, pull off two separate deals, one for pitching, and one for (gulp) batting… Defending champ Ray "Big Poppa" Boyce gets back into contention with a possible league record plus-34 ½ week, climbing all the way from 16th up into the money in 7th! The Intentional Walts move from 3rd to 2nd, although a race photo does show Intentional Walt holding something in his hand other than a whip! Never mind, I'm not going there! Mrs. Intentional would kill me… Sucks 2 B Me, drops from 2nd to 4th as Neil gets leap-"frogged" by Freddy (Sox) French Guy. The Quat Thrusts! take their exclamation point all the way from 4th to 10th and Donnie Rotisserie Baseball and Androstenedione fall from 7th to 15th, taking the biggest plunge this week at minus-19 ½, which by the way would still be the highest plus/minus rating on Don's New York Rangers. And the Ghost of Mark Robinson's Racing Swine looms large, as their franchise replacement and fellow collector of Mets Past and Present, Team B.S., takes a minus-16 and drops into the cellar, a mere 26 points away from 15th! Hey, at least they've got Salmon now! Don't lose hope Cousin Brucie, it's early and there's plenty of trading to do… Now I was actually going to ask former New York Times columnist Jayson Blair to write the column this week. But after I took a look at his expense reports, and his first line; "Standing in The Commish's Office, in front of all these tobacco fields and cow pastures…", I decided against it. And speaking of sham journalists, I am proud to announce that The Sniper (a.k.a. Kevin Kelly) has returned to writing for COMMISH.COM, more than two years since his last column appeared! You can read Kevin's latest foray into the world of our beleaguered sports heroes by clicking here (assuming of course, that you're reading this on-line like the rest of us), or by clicking on the little crosshairs in the toolbar at the bottom of most any COMMISH.COM page. However, be warned, this column is definitely not for everyone! The Sniper aims to offend, and his language and writing style makes Andrew Dice Clay read like a Charlotte Bronte novel. Although those of us who know Kevin well know that this dog's bark is much worse than it's bite! Assuming his writing's still up to snuff, The Sniper column should be appearing semi-regularly on COMMISH.COM. Of course, should I get penalized for having too many F-bombs in a column, or worse yet, get sued by that French crotch-grabbing soccer player or any of the other "athletes" that The Sniper libels this week, well then all bets are off and we'll have to put the silencer back on The Sniper's rifle… So enter at your own risk, and whatever comments you may have, good, bad or to serve legal notice, there's an e-mail link to the author at the bottom of the column. Enjoy! 'til next week…
|
