Let's start off this week's column with a pop quiz, shall we? What do shaking hands with Moises Alou and the scene from "Hollywood Knights" where the lady is drinking the punch have in common? If you haven't heard this story by now, your in trouble… with the focus on the "your in" part, of course! And how about that Hollywood Knights movie? A real "wicked pissah" as they say in Boston, if you know what I mean…

So if Moises Alou went to give you a high five, what would you do? Or how about if Raul Mondesi tried to give you five upstairs? Then again, Raul won't give anyone the time of day right now as he's temporarily retired, or something of that ilk. What's up with the sulking Pirate outfielders? First it was Derek Bell going into Operation Shutdown. The we've got Randall Simon taking out his anger by beating the meat (or the Racing Sausages at least). Now it's Raul, who's obviously got something eating him, packing it in mid season. What's next? A Tike Redman hunger strike? A Craig Wilson haircut? Where does all this madness end? And what's in the water at the confluence of the Allegheny, Monongahela, and Ohio rivers?

I'm at the Cubs game last month and I'm shaking hands with Moises Alou and I couldn't help but notice how nice his hands were! Must use some kind of hand cream. Or perhaps a lotion? Maybe it's something he's con-coc-ted himself… Speaking of concocted things (just work with me on the segue here) did you read that it's now even more possible that Abner Doubleday did not invent the game of baseball as claimed? Yes, somewhere in western Massachusetts, they've found a town by-law dating back to 1791 that prohibits the playing of a game called baseball (ever heard of it?) anywhere near buildings with windows. 1791, eh? Way before Mr. Doubleday's time, no? What's even more fascinating about this find though, is the discovery of stats from the 1791 town baseball league, which of course was played in open fields nowhere near the towns buildings, as they just didn't have Ed Steben Glass back in those days. (Warning: Connecticut local commercial pun there, hope some of you got it!). Anyway, the stats show us that not only was Roger Clemens 3 - 2 that season, with 45 strikeouts (and two broken window panes) but Jesse Orosco recorded his first save and Julio Franco hit .288…

If Moises Alou signed an autograph for you, aren't you better off just letting him have the pen?… Or maybe you could give it to Manny Ramirez, who was "signed in" as an official U.S. citizen a few weeks ago. Of course, for an important even like this, Manny was allowed to miss a Red Sox game while he attended to all the paperwork. Immediately after he was officially sworn into citizenship, rumor has it Manny held a celebration party in the lounge of The Four Seasons hotel and invited not just Enrique, but every Yankee second baseman over for drinks. Yes, even Homer Bush…

So if Moises Alou opened up his own restaurant where you "make your own pie", do you think he'd hire Poppy from Seinfeld as his cook? After all, "Poppy not so clean!"… But what was clean was a couple of milestones set this past week as a few "Carltons" bit the dust, and we ain't talking stumps of cigarettes here. First Mike Piazza passed Carlton Fisk on the all time list for home runs hit by a catcher. Then Roger Clemens passed Steve Carlton on the all time strikeout list. Not a bad night, eh? Well, at least if you're name's not Carlton. Besides these two magnificent achievements, another lesser known feat went virtually unnoticed that night but we're here to tell you about it. Yes, late that very same night, with the influx of Yankee infielders entering the complex to celebrate Citizen Manny, the doorman at The Four Seasons hotel in Boston passed Carlton The Doorman (of Rhoda fame) for 14th place on the all time list of assisted building entries and/or "buzz-ups"…

Say you're at the movies with Moises Alou, and he asks you for some popcorn, what do you do? Safest bet here is to NOT order the butter topping, this way you can tell where Moises has been in your popcorn tub… Speaking of movies, here's a Top 10 list of some current or upcoming summer movies with a baseball theme:

Troy - Former Red Sox and Expos outfielder Troy O'Leary tries to earn a roster spot alongside Brad Pitt, Eric Bana and Orlando Bloom in the Greek Summer League.

Van Slyke Helsing - Former Pirates outfielder turned demon hunter Andy Van Slyke takes on Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman and Barry Bonds in this homage to monsters and other freaks of nature.

The Day After Tomorrow - Weird apocalyptic weather patterns cause 100 story snow drifts in New York City, 100 foot tidal waves in Indonesia and Hell itself freezes over. Oh, and the Red Sox and Cubs were tied at 3 games apiece in the World Series before Game 7 was called indefinitely due to these conditions.

13 Going On 30 - A documentary by Michael Moore about Dominican baseball players and the visa problems they encountered after the 9/11 immigration crackdown. Special commentary provided by El Duque Hernandez.

New York Minute - 90's child stars, the Olsen Twins, Gregg (BAL) and Greg (ATL), the pitcher and the catcher, briefly revive their careers playing for the Newark Bears.

Kill Bill, Volume 2 - Still upset over the outcome of the 1986 World Series, The Bride fights her way through ninjas and gangsters in an attempt to get revenge on Mr. Buckner

The Terminal - The Montreal Expos, managed by Tom Hanks as Felipe Alou, are officially declared "no longer a team" while in the middle of a Montreal-Puerto Rico-San Diego road trip and are forced to wander an airport terminal and play pick up games in an airplane hangar until Peter Angelos allows them to move to Washington D.C.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Abu Ghraib - Hermione Granger poses for pictures with stripped down, drunken prisoners being held in the holding tank in the bowels of the new Phillies stadium.

Yu-Gi-Oh! - No it's not another Pokemon movie, but a kid's movie nonetheless as Hee Seop Choi and Jack McKeon try to teach youngsters the fundmentals of baseball. Special guest appearance by the Teletubbies as a double-play combination.

Spider Man 2 - Or is this movie not allowed in a baseball column anymore after the whole "no more ads on the bases" thing went down?

Finally, allow me to mention to you a fact that was pointed out to me by league owner "F*** You" Joe Mastrangelo. The other night on SportsCenter they ran a segment about Omar Vizquel's locker. In his locker were various kinds of decorations and herbs and stuff, reminiscent of a certain locker from a certain baseball movie that a certain owners in our league have named their team after. Even had a chicken in there and if you looked closely a shot glass of rum (not drank yet of course because "it's not right to drink Omar's rum!". All we needed was the little orange haired troll-like Jobu statue to complete the picture. Never mind the decorations Omar, if you aren't going to help us by placing Jobu in the scene, "we do it ourselves!"

And for those of you who haven't seen Joe since the draft, he's currently flying around the country, looking for another job, and randomly leaving me voice mails from the various airports he has layovers in. Look for him in a cameo role (alongside Nick Johnson) in that Tom Hanks movie "The Terminal", out later this summer… And on that note, faster than a Bruce Lerman trade reneg, I'm outta here! 'til next week (when Joe promises to call from "somewhere in the Midwest")…