OK, lots to talk about this week so let's get right into it, shall we? Seems that a few of you have e-mailed me this week to see if I read the gossip column in the New York Post in which there are hints that a certain Mets superstar is preparing to come out of the closet! Well, yes I read them and all I can say is that it's about time we've got ourselves a switch-hitting catcher on the Mets! Not that there's anything wrong with that! I was getting sick and tired of watching guys like John Stearns not able to hit lefties! Guess that explains the bleach blonde hairdo of last season too, doesn't it? Now if we look at the roster and see who owns this soon-to-be Village Person, he appears on the roster of a team called, and isn't this special, The Thrusts! Doug, do you have anything, anything at all, to say about all this? And yes, we'll keep your comments strictly confidential, for about five minutes…

I wonder whether this Post columnist guy is a reliable source? Yeah, there's two phrases you always here together in a sentence! "New York Post" and "reliable source". Maybe I'd be better off trusting that old Jon Lovitz liar character from Saturday Night Live? "…and my wife, Morgan Fairchild."… Speaking of lying sacks of you know what have you seen that Jose Canseco is writing a book? Gee, I didn't know he could read, now he's going to go John Grisham on us? In a preview of this so-called book, Canseco states that everyone in the majors is on steroids and that he's going to be "naming names" in his expose. Gee, let's just hope he doesn't accuse a certain Mets catcher of steroid use! I mean, gay AND on steroids? Now, even Jerry Seinfeld would agree, there's definitely something wrong with that…

Back to catchers (the straight kind), I see that the Kansas City Royals have become the latest victim of The Catcher Conspiracy and have hired Tony Pena to be their new manager. Yes folks yet another catcher has joined the managerial ranks while highly qualified DH's and first basemen continue to get passed over. Hey Commissioner Bud, are you listening over here? Don't make me get Jesse Jackson and go Rainbow Coalition all over your contraction laden ass… And while one new manager is in, another league owner is apparently on the way out and the Annual Chuck and Joe feud has begun early this season! With He Hit The Bull sitting in 15th place, Joe Mastrangelo is threatening to fire co-owner Charlie "Home Run" Baker and replace him with his young son Eric. Who, by the very nature of this act, is now destined to become a catcher in tee-ball once he's old enough to play…

Staying with the low teams in the standings, I say move over Raymond, because Everybody Loves Erubiel! And what's not to like after a 3-HR 9-RBI performance coming off the disabled list this week for Arizona Diamondback Erubiel Durazo who is now a somewhat proud member of, you guessed it, He Hit The Bull. The first move in the general manager career of young Eric Mastrangelo. Apparently, Charlie wanted Alex Sanchez instead…

And speaking of fast runner with absolutely no batting skills, has everyone seen the new Star Wars movie yet, The Attack Of The Clones? Well I don't want to give any plot secrets away if you haven't but let me tell you that the Clone Army is fantastic. The Republic gets attacked by a whole army of robots that are all the same. You should've seen the Jedi Knights trying to fight off Brian Hunter, Alex Sanchez, Peter Bergeron and Kimera Bartee! And the clone army was led by the venerable, aged one himself, Herb Washington! And then this 2nd clone army appears and Dave Kingman, Rob Deer, Gregg Vaughn and Ken Phelps attack…

The off the field terror continues to haunt the Cleveland Indians. First, utility man Jolbert Cabrera gets shot in the buttocks before Spring Training trying to foil a car jacking, then Chuck Finley gets beat up by his wife, next Jason X opens in the Cleveland Cinema (oops how did that get in there, well you did say terror, didn't you?), and now we learn that starting pitcher C.C. Sabathia has been robbed at gunpoint! No word yet on who did it but I do here that Tawney Kitaen-Finley is a prime suspect…

For all you TV fans out there a reminder that this week is the last episode of the X-Files ever! And does anyone else thinks it's a little strange that during the same week that the X-Files airs it's last show, both Alex Gonzalez's, half a country apart in Chicago and Miami, go on the DL almost simultaneously? Coincidence? I don't think so. Let's ask The Cigarette Smoking Man. The truth is out there somewhere, maybe Mark Mulder knows where to find it? Lord knows he can't find the strike zone these days…

Congratulations to Juan Pierre (owned by the Piano Man, so play us a song tonight Jim), the "winner" of last week's league poll, with over 80% of the vote, in which we picked the man with the worst baseball cap fashion. And take a look one more time at that picture. Doesn't Juan looks simply "dyn-o-mite". If that man ain't J.J. Walker from Good Times, my name is Mr. Drummond…

Looks like The Commish is up to his old tricks again as he's reacquired Dmitri Young, dropped Kevin Young and viewed Mighty Joe Young on DVD, all in the same week… While we're talking about me, a reminder that I will be doing stats next Monday night even if it is Memorial Day so be sure to get me all your transactions in early, before the beer and the agita from the hot dogs kicks in! That's about all I've got for this week. I think I'll go check on the Players Union and see if they've set their proposed strike date yet. I tell you if anyone, owners or players, screws up this season, there's gonna be some freakin' hell to pay! Commissioner Bud and Donald Fehr, consider yourselves officially warned. One work stoppage and I'm calling in the big guns. First Juan Pierre's gonna pull his cap over both your heads, then we're gonna let Tawney Kitaen beat you guys from here to divorce court. And if that's not enough to knock some sense into you, we're calling in the Clones! And you don't even want to think about what's behind the closet door… 'til next week…