So we head into this week with both New York teams reeling. The Yankees, losers of seven of their last ten, have just been swept by the lowly Texas Rangers. Who by the way, have a new drama about their pitching staff premiering this fall on CBS. Yeah, it's a revival starring Chan Ho Park and it's called Walker, Texas Ranger… The New York Mets have lost Mike Piazza for up to eight weeks with a pulled groin and no, I'm sorry Mets fans, there's not a thing that Sam Champion can do to help us out here… And with Rey Sanchez on the DL (and getting lord knows how many more haircuts) the "Amazing" Mets now boast a starting infield of Jason Phillips, Marcus Scutaro, Joe McEwing and Ty Wigginton! Drop in a battery of Jae Seo and Vance Wilson too while we're at it! Ye gods! And it's gets even uglier if we try to go "downtown" with these names, J-Phil, Scooter, Joey Mac, T-Wigg, J-Seo (hey that's the same), and Vince Vance! Or as Stuart Scott might say "Booyah!"… The Yanks now head to Beantown (as in Boston) for a three-game series with The Sox and the AL East is all tied up! Hideki Matsui, I'd like you to meet The Green Monster. No, not Godzilla. The outfield wall…

Speaking of the Sox (as in Red, not Fred), how many people enjoyed the little counting lesson that right fielder Trot Nixon gave us this past week as he joined the ranks of Benny Agbayani and Larry Walker, mistakenly giving away the ball he caught for the 2nd out of the inning, thinking it was the 3rd, while runners circled the bases and scored! Now I don't know about you, but when I saw the highlight I couldn't help but think about the scene from the movie "Monty Python and The Holy Grail", when good Brother Maynard takes out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Trot, might I suggest a quick trip down to the nearest Store 24 for a DVD rental? "…Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch (or just the baseball in your glove) towards thy foe (or the kid in the right field stands), who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. Amen. Right. One... two... five! Three, sir. Three!"…

Ah! The Holy Grail! The classic movie, eh? One of my favorites! I think we've got the makings of a future column here. We've got the likes of Brave Sir Robin Ventura (he was not afraid to be benched in nasty ways), Sir Lance Berkman A-Lot, Tim (Laker) The Enchanter, Roger Clemens The Shrubber and of course, The Knights Who Say "Dee", as in KC outfielder Dee Brown! What is your name? Alan Trammel. What is your quest? To win 10 games before the month of June. What is the airspeed velocity of Nate Cornejo's fastball? What do you mean? Split finger or four-seamer?… And of course the scene in the Shea Stadium parking lot as a cart bearing Mo Vaughn, Jeromy Burnitz, Rey Sanchez and Mike Piazza makes it's way out to the BQE Expressway, "Bring out your dead! Here's one! (man carrying John Franco over his shoulder). But I'm not dead yet!"… I'll have to work on that during the next slow news week…

My apologies to those of you who have never seen the Monty Python movie as I've probably just wasted two paragraphs of your already precious time… Good things always come in threes they say. And who exactly are "they" anyway? Lots of folks doing lots of "saying", that's who! Anyway, back to my nice intra-paragraph segue (going back to the Trot Nixon paragraph of course)… So good things come in threes. Like three coins in a fountain, the three amigos, three blind mice (not such a good thing perhaps, well maybe for the cat!) and even three races in the Triple Crown (go Funny Cide in the Belmont, I know Ray Boyce has Little Ray's college fund on you!). So now add the Brandon Transaction Trifecta to this club. This week Trader Neil reserved Brandon Villafuerte and picked up Brandon Webb, while at the very same time, half a state away, The Brothers Flinn activated Brandon Duckworth off their Reserve List! Weird things are definitely afoot at the Circle K! And then on Sunday night, we get the Beverly Hills 90210 Reunion special on FOX, and guess who's there. Yep, Brandon Walsh, a.k.a. Jason Priestley…

OK, enough with the Brandons, let's move on shall we?… So what's up with this new bereavement list? Seems like everyone and their backup infielder is taking a 3 to 5 day vacation to mourn some dead relative doesn't it? And just what constitutes "bereavement leave" anyway? Can an old venerable family pet die as well as an uncle? And do we treat dogs and cats any differently from hamsters and goldfish? Do these folks realize what this is doing to our fantasy baseball teams? Do they even care? It's not like you can even reserve the guy for the three days he's away! All you get are zero stats, kind of like owning Mo Vaughn now that I think about it. And then, let's just say the player does return mid-week. What kind of shape is he in anyway? Not good shape I bet. Again, it's kind of like owning Mo Vaughn, isn't it? Speaking of, can I put myself on the bereavement list? I'm a Mets fan and I really don't want to have to watch T-Wigg and the boys throw the ball around the horn for the next three to five…

Back over to Full Monty news, I see that Vandalay Industries now has a near certain league record eight (8) guys on their Reserve List! You know that this can only mean one thing. Trader Neil has just got to be drooling as he ponders the possibility of pulling off the first ever 1-for-9 deal in league history! Come on Neil, offer the Caruso Brothers Tim Hudson for Wade Miller and their entire Reserve List. You know you want to. And enough comments on Joe C's trade proposals already! They'll get better, I promise! Besides, we put up with this sort of thing from Doug Quat for almost ten years before he was put in his place. Now if we can just find a way to make Guy & Joe trade for Omar Daal… Staying with this week's league news, exactly what's so hot about Desi Relaford and Melvin Mora? These guys were even more popular this week than Loaiza and Chacon were two weeks ago. Man, guess I better brace myself for the Marlon Anderson and Damian Jackson Sweepstakes next week. So is it really that thin out there? I mean, are we talking Calista Flockhart thin? "And now monsieur, an after dinner mint. It's wafer thin!" "No I'm stuffed, I couldn't eat another thing. Somebody get me a bucket!" Sorry, I said no more Monty Python a few paragraphs ago didn't I?

The Anaheim Angels have been sold to Arturo Moreno (any relation to Omar or Rita?), making Moreno the major's first minority majority owner. Now is that grammatically incorrect or what?… Oh well, time to go shake hands with Zach Day, kind of a sticky situation if you ask me… That's all I've got for now, kind of a slow news week. See you all again in seven days or so when I promise I'll have a little more material. Which reminds me of a joke; name two things that need a little more material? This week's News & Notes column and Christina Aguilera's skirt! Now I know there's a lewd "I've got your genie in a bottle" joke here somewhere but I'll just have to leave that for The Sniper to pick up in his next column (hint hint Mr. Kelly!), 'til next week…