So I wake up this morning, get on the train and open up USA Today. Immediately grab the red section, Section C, the Sports section, and turn to the baseball pages and lo and behold, what do I find? The Cincinnati Reds are in first place! Yes, I repeat, the Reds are in first place. Somehow, while I had my back turned watching the Mets get to .500, someone has dusted off and restarted The Big Red Machine! So of course my first impulse is to write a song about this. First, since it's such a rare occasion that one gets to sing about the Reds and second, I haven't written a song parody in such a long time.

However, after wracking my brain for the length of my train ride home, I can only come up with snippets of lyrics from about a dozen different songs. I didn't realize how many songs there are with "red" lyrics, did you? Anyway, in lieu of a full song, you see, the karaoke machine's only playing one-liners for some reason, here's a Top 10 list of lyrics honoring the Reds recent rise to the top of the NL Central…

(to the tune of UB40's "Red Red Wine")

Reds are fine
alone in first place
even better than the
Houston Astros…

(to the tune of …well it should be self explanatory…)

Baby, if you've ever wondered,
Wondered whatever became of me,
I'm living in first place in Cincinnati,
Cincinnati, WKRP.

(to the tune of James Brown's "Sex Machine")

Get up, get on up
Get up, get on up (to first place)
Stay on the scene, like The Big Red machine

(to the tune of Prince's "Little Red Corvette")

Little Red Corvette
Will this first place thing last?
Little Red Corvette
Man this bullpen car's fast!

Trust me, they get better, keep reading…

(to the tune of 80's German pop star Nena's "99 Luftballons")

Hast Du etwas Zeit für mich
Dann singe ich ein Lied fuer Dich
Von 99 Luftballons

…Which loosely translated says "Isn't it great being a Reds fan, we're in first place and Marge Schott is dead!" Then something about Von Hayes and Wayne Gretzky in that last line…

(to the tune of Chris DeBurgh's "Lady In Red")

Lady in Red (throwback Cesar Geronimo jersey)
Is sitting with me.
There's nobody here, it's just you and me.

…This is obviously a song about a Reds/Expos game in Montreal…

(to the tune of Toni Basil's 80's dance hit "Mickey")

Oh Griffey you're so fine
Please don't hurt again this time
Hey Griffey, Hey Griffey

(to the tune of Billy "Crash" Joel's "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant")

Bottle of Reds, memories of Gabe White
But if Paul Wilson's pitching, they'll win tonight
Meet you anytime you want
At the Great American Ball Park

(to the tune of The Police's "Roxanne")

Roxanne! You don't have to put on the Reds cap…

… and the #1 song bite inspired by the Cincinnati Reds being in first place …

(to the tune of that great REM song "It's The End Of The World As We Know It")

What is this, must be mental, Reds in first in the NL Central
Griffey's healthy, Casey's hot, Larkin swings a hot bat
Graves is closing, never losing, saved another game today
Who the hell needs Gagne!
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
But I Freel fine…

I'm sure I missed the opportunity for at least 10 more songs! Something by the Red Hot Chili Davis Peppers perhaps? Or maybe my favorite band Rush's "Red Barchetta"? Brian Legere, if you're out there I want a full heavy metal song parody of Warrant's "I Saw Red" on my desk by the time I get back from vacation! Seriously though, if anyone thinks of anything better, please send them my way for publication next week…

Some quick random notes and reactions from last week's Moises Alou anecdotes (and wasn't that a "pisser" of a column, eh?). Doug Quat wonders if "maybe this is why Steve Bartman couldn't hold on to the ball?". Guy Caruso wants to know if Moises listens to P(ee)-Diddy before the game? And of course, how could I forget this one? If Alou gets traded to Boston will all the fans start calling him The Wicked Pissah?

Speaking of Beantown, Brian Legere, noting that the finals of Survivor: All Stars came down to a 4 - 3 vote not in favor of the guy in the Red Sox cap, wonders if Grady Little would've pulled Boston Rob after the 8th tribal council? If Randy Johnson would've killed another bird when he pitched against the Braves last week would that still be considered a perfect game despite the "fowl" play? Is there really a guy named JJ Putz pitching for the Mariners? And if so, how did he survive high school? So long Tony Randall, and veiled congratulations to Joe Mastrangelo, (am I allowed to make an official announcement in this space next week?), who's now down to just two random "sitting here at airport" callings a week to my voice mail…

On that note (however out of tune it may have been), I'm outta here for this week; and possibly a little while longer than that… Remember, I'm not doing stats next week until Wednesday when I return from my Las Vegas vacation:

Rusty: Holy crap, Wayne Newton's hittin' on Mom!

Clark Griswold: It's all part of the act, Russ.

Sorry, movie flashback… Where was I? Oh yeah, no stats next Monday but all moves still due in to be before the games begin on Monday (Memorial Day by the way). I'll compile everything when I return. Thanks in advance for your patience as I enjoy the sun and fun of Sin City at the expense of your normal stats schedule. 'til next week (plus a few)…

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