Since I'm experiencing a bad case of early season writer's bloc, I've decided to dip into the old Commish's Mailbag this week and answer some of my "fan mail". Let's see, there should be enough in here to squeeze out an entire column. Where should we begin? Oh, how about this one…

Mr. Commish, if this former CIA official was really the guy who exposed all the Watergate secrets, then by what name is history going to refer to the San Francisco Chronicle reporter who started the whole ball rolling on uncovering the BALCO incident, thus ending the Steroid Era of baseball? R.N. Washington D.C. (go Nationals!)

W. Mark Felt, the former #2 man in the CIA went by the codename of "Deep Throat" so let me be the first to anoint the BALCO whistle-blower as "Deep Flyout" and we can probably add "To The Warning Track" at the end of that in parentheses…

What did you think of Danica Patrick's historic ride in the Indianapolis 500 over Memorial Day Weekend? A.J. Indianapolis, IN

I have a theory that Danica Patrick is in fact not a woman at all, but is really just ESPN's Dan Patrick in drag! What evidence do I have to support this cock-a-mamie theory? Well if you had listened to some of the conversations over Danica's in-race car radio you would have overheard things like "Welcome to The Big Show", "Man this car is En Fuego!" and the most damning soundbite of all "Must Kill Olbermann!"

By the way, check out this site I stumbled across earlier today. And please be sure to return to your regularly scheduled workday shortly thereafter: http://www.sportscenteraltar.com/phrases/

Did you hear that Latroy Hawkins, the former Chicago Cubs reliever, who's since been traded to the San Francisco Giants, was a victim of repeated racism while he was in Chicago? O.J. Jackson, MS

Yes, that is really sad that this kind of stuff goes on even to this day. We'd like to let you know that here at COMMISH.COM we're doing our part to combat racism. We've taken away all of Kevin Kelly's stationery and writing implements.

So I read in People magazine (uh better yet, make that "my wife told me") that hotel heiress Paris Hilton is going to marry Greek shipping magnate Paris Latsis. Do you find this odd? T.H. Hollywood, CA

Sure it's kind of weird (and not to mention a bit creepy) that they both have the same first name. And if Ms. Hilton takes her husband's name after the nuptials they would both have the exact same name, first and last! Well, I guess you can say that they'll always have Paris! What would be odder was if Paris Hilton married former Detroit Tiger catcher Lance Parrish, then she could be Paris Parrish… And why is anyone who made their fortune in the shipping business always referred to as a "magnate"? Do we have any other industry like this? Does it even apply to other businesses? Like for instance would the person who amassed the Maytag fortune be a refrigerator magnate?

Commish, you do realize that this column is being posted on Wednesday night instead of Tuesday night as promised. And do I need to get into the fact that these columns of yours (which are still quite humorous and enjoyable after all these years I might add) used to appear on Mondays without fail? J.M. Jacksonville, FL

{expletive deleted}, next letter please?

I'm writing a sitcom about two guys who share a profession and also share the inexplicable ability to constantly get hurt in new and exciting ways. For example, one of them would go to the hospital after falling out of a tree, get released then get run over by a bus while leaving the hospital. Kind of like "X-Files Meets ER". Do you have any suggestions on who I could cast in the lead roles if I start shooting the pilot episode this summer? J.S. New York, NY

I've got to think that Frank "The Big Hurt Again" Thomas and Juan "My Career is Gone" Gonzalez will have the next few months free from their day jobs. Maybe you could persuade Trader Neil to release them from their W!T!F! contracts?

Did you enjoy that 17 - 1 Red Sox / Yankee game on Saturday? T.E. Boston, MA

Of course I did, but for a moment there with the score like that I thought I was watching a Patriots/Jets game. Or better yet, maybe a Edmonton Eskimos/Montreal Alouettes game with the lone point for Montreal coming on a "rouge" by punter Paris Harris.

What did you think of the guy who played Darth Vader in the new Star Wars movie Revenge of the Sith? P.A. Naboo, NJ

I think that Hayden Penn kid is going to have quite a long and prosperous career with the Baltimore Orioles, especially if Erik Bedard is out for awhile and they can get him 3 or 4 pre-All Star Game starts. I also like that Luke Hudson guy on the Reds and man, can that Ben General Grieveous guy really fight! I saw him whipping four bats around at once in the on-deck circle.

I see that the Orioles have called up a minor league infielder named Napoleon Calzado. Know anything about him? L.M. Baltimore, MD

No, not really, and I can't find anything on him in Baseball America either? You sure this guy's for real? Sounds more like an Italian pastry than a third baseman. Or perhaps one of those new fangled "chic" calzones? "Hi this is Lyle Alzado asking you to try the new "calzado" from Pizza Hut"…

Mark Prior's injury doesn't seem as bad as we all feared. However, I did read that he suffered a compression fracture of the lateral epicondyl of his right elbow. Is there a doctor in the house? M.D. Naperville, IL

Well I'm certainly no doctor, nor did I play one on TV. And it's been sometime since I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, but let me say that the epicondyl was definitely one of my favorite dinosaurs while I was growing up. I think they were featured in the opening sequences of that TV show "Land of the Lost". And those creature things, what were they called? Oh yeah, the Sleestax, they would chase Will and Holly all over the place but they never caught them because the Sleestax moved about as fast as Lee Smith coming in from the bullpen!

With Kevin Millar's stats not where they should be and Johnny Damon crashing into the centerfield wall in last night's game do you think there's a "Curse of the Queer Eye"? S.K. Castle Rock, ME

Not that there's anything wrong with a curse like that! But no, I hear that Carson Kressley stitched Damon right up and now he's got Millar wearing cleaner spikes that set off the Red Sox logo on his cap better. Hey if I can paraphrase Fernando Lamas, if you look good, you'll hit good! I think we'll be all right from here on out. Unless of course Papi switches to pink eye liner…

… and on that note, I think it's time we close the mailbag! My apologies to anyone who's question I did not get to this week, maybe next time? Yeah, tie that thing real tight, then toss it in the fireplace. And put another log on that fire too. Now that's a fire! Let's keep this thing flaming, er, oh never mind! 'til next week…

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