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Before we begin our weekly shenanigans, allow me to first announce the winner of last week's poll. As you recall, the vote was for which baseball jersey would be most "fitting" for Kevin Kelly to wear to next year's draft after he loses his little side-bet to Kevin Shanley. After all the votes were added up, it was a very close race between a John Kruk jersey (3 votes) and the American Idol winner Ruben Studdard's "205" jersey (4 votes). And since I promised to produce a picture of Kevin wearing the winning jersey, and the vote was so close, here's a shot of The Sniper in one of Ruben's Philadelphia Phillies colored "205" jerseys…  Talk about "flying without wings", hey? I just love what you can do with graphics programs today… OK, so what else is going on this week? Well since American Idol was on FOX television, let's segue into yet another old FOX TV staple, The X Files. You see despite recent e-mails from Breaking Balls owner Brian Legere lamenting the current state of trading in our league, let me just tell you that you've got to believe that "the truth is out there". All you've got to do is make a little paranormal trade offer to get results. Now Scully may be a skeptic but The Caruso Brothers are not as they trade Nomar Garciaparra and Kiko Calero to The Commish & Ruben (er Kevin) for Andy Fox and Mark Mulder. Yes folks, that's Fox Mulder moving over to Vandalay, soon to be replaced by the guy who played the other Terminator in T2… And don't go away thinking this was an easy deal to make either. It came down to some hard negotiation and we almost had to throw in a little 3-for-1 sweetener with The Lone Gunmen going to High Hard One for The Cigarette Smoking Guy… In other trading news, Brian has in fact managed to get someone to feel sorry enough to make a trade with him, so hopefully the gut wrenching, desperate electronic mail pleas for bullpen help stop for awhile? And who better to make such a groundbreaking deal but Sucks 2 Be Me's Trader Neil, who sends Troy Percival and his Traveling Displaced Hip to Breaking Balls (along with David Bell, for whom tolls for the Phillies) in exchange for Troy Glaus and Robert "Missing" Person. Actually, despite having succeeded in finally making a deal, my brother has promised he'll be writing a column, tentatively titled; "Trading The Brian Legere Way". If it's a hit, I've promised to make it a late-night video infomercial as well! "Do your league members shun you when you offer to trade them B-tier offensive players for their best closer? Do you not get any respect or even the courtesy of a reply when trying to make fair offers involving superstar players and bottom of the barrel middle infielders in an even 2-for2 swap? Well don't worry. Help is on the way! Just order my new video…" Actually, look for Brian's trade advice at the bottom of this week's column… Staying with the trading theme, how about Byung Hyun Kim getting traded from the D'Backs to the Red Sox? I hear he might even close a few games for Boston as well before it's all said and done. In a related story, the Yankees have inquired about the possibility of Scott Brosius coming out of retirement and Tino Martinez coming back to the Bronx. In exchange for Kim, the Sox sent Shea Hillenbrand out to Arizona. Come on, this wasn't supposed to happen this way. Hillenbrand was supposed to get traded to the Mets so he could become the first player who's first name (Shea) was also the name of the stadium he played in (Shea)! That would've been so cool! Now what are the odds that this can ever happen? Guess we've got to wait for the Astros to call up Minute Maid Madison, the Rockies to sign some guy named Coors or the Reds to finally bring up some player named The Great American Johnson! Then again, perhaps the Reds should keep that guy in the minors for a while? For some reason, I don't think the country's ready for The Great American Johnson… Well it looks like David Cone has retired once and for all. After coming back from the DL and tossing two innings of middle relief, Cone's decided he's had enough of baseball and has promised to walk away from the game, go back to his home planet of Remulak and kick back with some beer and fried chicken embryos… Speaking of aliens, how about this new guy that's pitching for the Rangers named Erasmo Ramirez? Erasmo? What kind of name is that? Erasmo-Head. Wasn't that a David Lynch movie back in the late 70's? Or isn't Erasmo that red Grover-look-alike dude from Sesame Street? Oh no, that's Elmo, sorry… The Expos are currently in the midst of a 22-game "road" trip that has them playing in Miami, then Philadelphia before going "home" in San Juan, then off to Seattle and Oakland and finally swinging through Pittsburgh before returning back to Chez Montreal. Which of course, is not to be confused with Chez Hillenbrand, who's now in Arizona where the Expos don't play for some time. Man the length's I'll go through for a multi-lingual pun… So how about this guy Eric Rudolph, a.k.a The Mad Bomber finally getting caught and now having to stand trial in Alabama? Man, I sure feel sorry for that guy! I hear they don't like guys with red noses down there in Alabama. But not to worry, I hear that Baby New Year plans on breaking Rudolph out of the clink with help from his new friends Austin Kearns… And now segueing from Mad Bombers to mad Bronx Bombers, again anything for a pun (or a shot at Kearns' absolutely gigantic ears), how about Don Zimmer blowing his top over recent criticism of Joe Torre by George Steinbrenner? Come on Zim, all George did was try to light a fire under his team and his management. It's not he blew up an Olympic park or an abortion clinic or something! Oh great, now I've got my paragraph themes all mixed up! Mrs. Kennedy (my 4th grade English teacher) would just kill me… Gee, that last paragraph kind of "bombed", didn't it? (Audible groan!) Let's just move on to a fresh paragraph where we discuss some of the latest movies to hit the big screen? Let's try these out for size:
… and of course, the current #1 movie in America … Well that's about all I've got time and space for this week. Has Roger Clemens gotten that 300 yet? Didn't think so. Just tell him to concentrate a little harder when throwing that 12th strike on the final ball in the 10th frame. And if he needs any help, I believe the boys from CSI:Fenway Park will be more than happy to show him how… 'til next week…
… and now without further ado, I bring you this week's guest columnist, Brian Legere, with some helpful tips in a column I've called; "Trading The Brian Legere Way"… OK, what has happened to our league's trading activity? There's more trading activity with Enron and Martha Stewart Omnimedia stock than our league. Ok, it's not that bad. I know there are reasons like the economy, basic depression (mostly Met fans), fear of losing one's job due to you being on ESPN.com and Rotoworld at your desk (your boss is probably looking at it too!) or whatever other excuse you have. Really now, if me and Ray Boyce can try to work out a Durham for Worrell swap in between a company merger, month end processing and reporting, anyone can do it! I know people might be afraid of E-mail at work but I've come to grips with it. I mean as long as I don't receive jokes about the Commish's receding hair line, nude pictures of Kevin Kelly snacking at home and if Kevin keeps the ranting to words that I have to look up in a dictionary and not curse words, I'm all for it! I'm sorry Kev, I should be more supportive but I can't lift you up by myself. No seriously, I'm rooting for you and the over, er I mean under! MUST STOP! MUST STOP! I'm fine now. Now I also used to wonder how Neil and Walt, the trade masters of our leagues (they are Billy Beane-like) can turn over their roster so many times during the year. I finally realized it…because it's fun to do whether you are in first, the middle of the pack or in last place. So although I don't consider myself a trade master like them, I've been influenced by their various trades over the years. So here's my thoughts, rules, suggestions and whatnot on trading. There's something for everyone: Get what you don't have - wherever you are in the standings (even you Shanley), there has to be something you need. If you have 60 batter points and 20 pitching points, go find the guy that has the opposite and scour their roster. There are bound to be one or two of them in every league. It's like scoring 400 on the math portion of your SATs and 250 in the English part (add 200 for my name and I'll confess, that was my score). I needed to be better and grammar but it never transpired. Bad example and even worse was my SAT score but it was not needed for William Paterson college acceptance due to my ability to bang a drum! Anyway you have Sosa and he has Zito, pair them on the dance floor together and start the Waltz! (No not the Intentional One!) Don't get too concerned yet with how many categories one has versus the other. I mean Jason Giambi for John Smoltz is basically a match although Giambi might have a category or so on him, but it's not like Giambi for DeJean! Don't necessarily treat the "throw ins" as garbage - I like to use the term "throw ins" as the other players that complete the deal. Example: Sosa and Rusch for Zito and Tyner. Rusch and Tyner are the "throw ins" and have very minimal value. Now Sosa and Brett Myers for Zito and Marlon Byrd has some upside as the "throw ins". If the other player is the owners worst guy, don't expect an upside guy back for him. It could happen where you are actually offered someone with potential in return for your worst guy (remember Aaron Boone to me Walt?)…JACKPOT! But basically everyone here (Carusos included) knows who is who. Another man's trash is another man's fortune (or something like that) - Just because Giambi and Berkman are hitting their weight doesn't mean they couldn't hit .500 for you! Is it possible they might just have a bad year? Yes, but highly unlikely. A different example of a below average player producing well when traded to another team: Craig Wilson was hitting .000 when I got him as a "throw in". He's currently hitting above .280 for me with some pop and is now eligible as a catcher. "Treasure Bath!" Check player profiles, scouting reports, Rotoworld and adjust your own opinions on them (Yankee fans not wanting Sox players, vice versa). Gauge both past ability and current potential when discussing players. Be honest when you "bottom feed" - If you decide to be like a bully at school trying to pry the cellar dweller's lunch money, be honest with them. Be truthful and get it into their heads that either their team really sucks and will continue to suck so trade me your best player or seriously help them try to get out of the cellar while simultaneously helping your team with a trade for their best player. I actually asked Doug today if he was cashing in his saves like he would casino money. He made up some excuse about really being busy and not looking at his team but I believe inside he was really admitting to himself that his team is just plain shameful (just kidding Doug)! So what do you say "Omar Daal for a closer?" The Cellar Dwellers - I've been there in Hockey a few times. I once traded any scorer I had for goons just to see how far I'd go in penalty minutes because my team was going nowhere. Try convincing them that their one tradable asset, even if it totally depletes a category like saves, can help them in offensive categories and they can hope for the Performance transactions to come around soon or a few pitchers rediscover they have groins to pull and you can pick up free agents. You have to improve in some other categories before you can go back and replenish the category you just traded away. Feel free to also call upon another fellow owner you trust, except for Kevin Kelly, to bounce off any trade offers you get. Sometimes a second opinion helps. Then again, getting approval on a trade from Chuck and Joe is like asking your wife two times if you can go out tonight. Ah, the married life of a fantasy baseball owner! But that's a topic for another column… 2nd Half Stud or Thud - The old change of scenery trade. Convince an owner that you each have player that sucks and trade them for each other. Maybe one or both of you will catch lightning in a bottle? Take a risk. Also use guys from your reserve to sweeten a deal. Rehabbing guys, minor leaguers being called up, guys who are retired but when they were in their heyday were owned by the same owner every season, etc. Ask Neil and Walt for suggestions. Hey, I see David Cone is still on Joe's active roster! Does anyone have Kirby Puckett? "Menage-ah-trade?" - "Do I make you horny baby? Are you feeling Randy (Johnson)?" Neil and Walt are always looking for a third party to…swap with. I've been involved in a 3-way trade once or twice (yes I wore protection!) but let someone else be the President of your little club and explain to you who gets what because it can be awfully confusing (even after you watch some of Rob Hanratty's video tapes!). Just determine what you've lost and what you've gained. Just like figuring out how to split a Diner check between two friends. If one of them is good at math, let them figure it out for you. Law & Order (more of the order part) - Be a prosecutor when offering a trade proposal. Lay out the pros and cons for the jury (the other owner) and let him prove your theory wrong or butt into it and get that conviction (the player(s) you covet)! If all else fails, just try a spin off of this theory, like Law & Order: Special Victims Units, making trade offers for guys who've become "victims" and are currently in a manager's doghouse. Or maybe even Law & Order: Criminal Intent, in which you try to rape the opposing owner of all his star talent in exchange for guys from his favorite team who are hitting .265 and under? Hey, it never hurts to ask! These are my thoughts and I apologize for any perceived lack of continuity from the middle of this column to the end. I took a break to watch "Out of Order" that I taped on Showtime the other night and it threw off my writing momentum. (COMMISH'S NOTE: " What? No movie review?") Now that all this has been said, I'll be waiting to hear all of your trading proposals either at work or at home. Yeah, right! Thanks for the contribution bro! Come back anytime you like. At least you deliver a column when you promise me one, not like that Sniper guy...
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