I'm sitting down to write this column with ESPN News on TV in the background as I do each week. My back's to the television and I can't help but crane my neck every so often so see what highlight they're showing. Right now it's a montage of NBA playoff highlights as we get ready to begin the NBA Finals and I know this is a baseball column but please indulge me to a minute or two here as I go "off the board", Joker's Wild style, and recall my favorite NBA finals moment ever. 1994, Knicks-Rockets, Game Five, and "we interrupt this broadcast" to bring you that infamous OJ car chase! And why oh why do I have this strange prophetic feeling that sometime before I finish writing this column, we're going to deja-do a little déjà vu? I'm just know that I'm going to catch ESPN cutting away from a Tim Duncan vs Rasheed Wallace breakdown segment to bring us "breaking news" as Michael Jackson flees Santa Barbara, speeding down the Pacific Coast Highway in a white Bronco as news helicopters follow overhead. And here's the worst part of this whole nightmare scenario. Stephen A. Smith, Tim Legler and Greg Anthony are forced to go into "Al Michaels during the World Series earthquake" live coverage mode and anchor the next three hours from the NBA Fast Break studio desk! "And now here's Shawn Kemp bringing you his rendition of Billy Jean". I'm sorry but even when she says you are the one Mr. Kemp, there's like a 97% chance that the kid is your son…

Ah but I digress! Back to baseball we go… The annual amateur draft was held this week and the #1 choice was shortstop Justin Upton, taken by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Now if that name sounds a little familiar to you it's because Justin's brother B.J. "and the Bear" Upton, also a shortstop, was taken #2 in the 2002 draft by the Devil Rays. So as I thought about the "News and Notes worthiness" of the Brothers Upton playing for the D'backs and D'Rays I caught myself inexplicably humming a Billy Joel tune to myself! Why am I doing that? Then it hit me. I'm humming the chorus of "Uptown Girl"…

Upton bros

Just be really glad you're not Expos
A pair of siblings who can really play
Next year we'll see you both in Triple-A

Speaking of ex-Expos, did you catch those hot, new, trendy Washington Nationals sitting atop the NL East? How did they get there you ask? Well just chalk up another one for the power of lobbying in our nation's capital. And if this trend continues and the Nats extend their lead, I hear that Bobby Cox is ready to filibuster on the senate floor until the trading deadline… Were you thinking what I was thinking after I heard the news about Colorado Rockies phenom Clint Barmes? Carrying groceries up the stairs!? Geez, big rookie mistake there! You at least think he could've said he hurt himself washing Jeff Kent's motorcycle or taking Aaron Boone to the hole in Rucker Park or something? And also how many of you heard about the "falling down the stairs" thing and immediately flashed back to comedian Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" HBO Comedy Special and the skit about his Aunt Bunny falling down the stairs? "My shoe!!" As they say in chat-room shorthand: ROTFALMFAO…

I see they've released the early voting results for the All Star Game. What a travesty this is! And on not a Travis-Lee, a traves-ty, but let's use him as a case in point. Looking at the results thus far for "AL First Base", there's Travis Lee, just behind Richie Sexson and just ahead of Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich! How does this man get votes? Travis Lee that is, I really do understand the whole Al Sharpton obsession. And as Exhibit B, we see that over 97,000 people have voted for Jermaine Dye (15th place in the AL Outfield). Is it really possible for a man to have that many grandmothers and close relatives? And saving the worst for last, we have Nomar Garciaparra leading (yes leading!) the NL Shortstop balloting! The man needs velcro to make his groin a valuable part of his body again and people are still voting for him? I think Ted Williams has a better chance of being ready for the All-Star Game then Nomar does! So once again I refer you to the Eddie Murphy "Delirious" HBO Comedy Special and the famous "Hey let's vote for Jesse Jackson! He f***ing won!?" skit…

Speaking of the All Star Game I've gotten a few suggestions from our some of our owners who are in favor of spicing up All Star Weekend with a little skills competition, a la the NHL. Which of course will probably still be holding the "negotiating a labor agreement" skills contest come baseball's All Star Game… So without further ado (and right before we bid you adieu), here's a sampling of some of those ideas:

From everyone's favorite owner whose last name starts with the letter after P and before R in the alphabet, comes an idea for dividing up teams in the Home Run Derby. Instead of the now quite boring and mundane AL vs NL contest, The A-Train would like to see a Roiders vs non-Roiders competition! And he's already got the participants chosen. For Team BALCO we'd have Jason Giambi, Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Alex Sanchez while Team "We Didn't Do It" would match up with Rafael Palmeiro, Adam Dunn, Ken Griffey and Juan Pierre. And of course, we'd let Juan Rincon pitch…

Injectible Brian Legere would inject a little life into All Star Weekend with a test of players agility, as he explains here. "In honor of Clint Barmes, they should have the "walk up the stadium flight of stairs with 3 hot dogs, a beer, a lemonade and 2 knishes" contest to see who can do it without dropping anything or breaking their collarbone!" And of course, once you get past the early elimination rounds, they really heat things up by randomly throwing Aunt Bunny down the steps during the semi-finals… Now I ask you, who needs the baseball savvy of the Upton brothers when you've got the comedic stylings of the Legere brothers, eh?

In honor of the National Spelling Bee, I think we should have a little intra-league skills competition of our own amongst the league owners as we eliminate ourselves one by one, trying to spell words like "appoggiatura", "subpoena", "mientkiewicz" and the past participle of the verb "to spell"…

Finally, let me suggest a new theme for the annual Celebrity Softball game. This year's theme will be "We Make More Money and Are Worse Baseball Players Than The Yankees" as teams comprised of Hollywood actors whose per movie salaries total more than the Yankee payroll face off against each other. Or better yet, maybe we should just have them play the Yankees? Can't you just envision the grimace on Derek Jeter's face when he's robbed of a surefire double in the gap by a fleet footed Tom Cruise? Or better yet, A-Rod trying to beat out an infield hit and slapping the ball out of Adam Sandler's hands! Or maybe we'd get a bench clearing brawl started after the Big Unit brushes back Russell Crowe, who then proceeds to charge the mound and strangle Randy Johnson with a telephone cord…

Well that's about all I've got time for as they've finally stopped hyping up the NBA Finals on ESPN News, still no Michael Jackson trial verdict break-in, and are now showing tonight's baseball highlights. Now if I can only remember who I have on my team after last week's trading frenzy? Speaking of, I've already heard from a few of you with even more deal announcements for next week! Keep 'em coming folks, this is great stuff! Or if I may quote a Trader Neil catch phrase, "now this is exciting"! 'til next week…

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