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First off, before we get to this week's baseball news, a quick hockey review… Absolutely awesome Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals as the New Jersey Devils shut out the Anaheim not-so-Mighty Ducks for their 3rd Stanley Cup in the past nine seasons! Which, by the way, puts them in Yankee dynasty-like territory on the New York sports scene. The Commish and Trader Brian were in attendance, enjoying the game from Section 102, Row 14, just a handful of rows and six seats off the ice and to the left of the home goal! Extra special thanks go to out to the Commish's dad (a.k.a. Big Al) for once again coming up with Big Game tickets on short notice. The Brothers Legere spent the evening banging their cheap imitation "thunder sticks" together relentlessly as the Devils played better defense than Ozzie Smith in his heyday! Our constant excitement was only interrupted once as Brian's cell phone rang between periods one and two. It was his wife Sarah on the line saying they had just shown a shot on ABC of Kiefer Sutherland in the crowd, and could Brian go find him for her? You see Sarah's currently got Kiefer at Number One on her Top Five list (see early "Friends" re-runs for details on that). When told of her request all I could respond with was "Well bro, you've got 24 minutes to find him, and remember, events happen in real time, tick, tick, tick, tick"… At the end of the evening, we waited for the Cup ceremony and trophy presentation and were absolutely shocked when the Conn Smythe trophy (for NHL playoff MVP) went to Anaheim goalie Jean-Sebastian Giguere (rhymes with Legere!), instead of the Devils Marty Brodeur. Kind of like the time Andre Dawson won the NL MVP despite playing for a last place team. Oh well, guess you're not allowed to win the Conn Smythe trophy while you're carrying on an extramarital affair with your sister-in-law, eh? I really wish someone would brief us on these rules ahead of time. I firmly believe that Marty got screwed; aren't trophies supposed to go to winners, not losers? Oh well, as Stone Cold Steve Austin says, "that's all I've got to say about that"… So that disappointment past us, we hung out for another 45 minutes or so as The Cup passed around from player to player until such time as Brian came up with the most rational quote of the evening; "They just handed the Stanley Cup off to the Devils junior assistant equipment manager's intern, I think it's time to go home and get some sleep!" Well perhaps Trader Brian got some shut-eye? I on the other hand, had some baseball stats to attend to… OK, now on to baseball! While they're breaking out the champagne for the Devils' Stanley Cup celebration, I hope someone remembers to save the cork for Sammy Sosa! Say it ain't so Sammy! Corking the bat? And all this time we were led to believe it was Flintstones vitamins, hmmm… Somebody strike up the band and exhume Frankie Sinatra, we've got some singing to do…
"Da, da, da-da-da! Da, da, da-da-da!" Oh, sorry, the song's over isn't it? While we're on the subject, how about someone checking out Jeff Davanon's bat? All the Anaheim "Mighty" Angel reserve outfielder did was hit 6 home runs in 3 games this past week! So Jeff, how did you do it? Wilma? Betty? Or maybe a little Dino with an andro chaser?… Actually, it seems Jeff took advantage of a Darrin Erstad injury and an inter-league schedule that found the Angels playing the Expos in that Little League sized park in San Juan. So how does Mr. Steinbrenner feel about that? You see, George is fuming over his own team's inter-league schedule that has the Yanks playing Cincinnati and the Cubs while the rival Red Sox get the weaker Brewers and Pirates. Somebody get me Costanza! Don't worry George, I just looked at next season's schedule and let me assure you, it's a whole lot easier. In addition to six games against the rebuilding Mets, you've also got three against Athletes In Action and then the Washington Generals come to the Bronx for a home series. You heard it here first, look for Roger Clemens to FINALLY get his 300th career win, just one year from now, against those Generals and their new coach, Geese Ausbie… Hey look who's here! It's none other than Elton John, and he's got a song medley for us as well. Move over Frankie and hand Elton the microphone please…
Thank you Elton! Anyone else care to take a turn on the karaoke stage? We've still got plenty to sing about. Anybody? Come on, I know someone's got a song about Curt Schilling and his love of the Questec system. How's about "If I Had A Hammer" or "Please Don't Take My Kodachrome Away" for good old Curt and his broken hand? "Now that old Questec camera, can't take a photograph, please don't take my Louisville Slugger away…" Oh well, maybe next week. In fact, I hear that 1-800-RATS owner Dennis Milewski is already tuning up his vocal chords for a possible duet next week with Chaka Khan, in an an encore performance of "I Feel For You". After all, twelve (12) earned runs in two and two-thirds (2 2/3) by a Rockies starter is always a reason to sing; "Shawn Chacon let me rock, let me rock you Shawn Chacon…" So what else is going on? Oh yes, Derek Jeter was named captain of the New York Yankees this past week in a much ballyhooed press conference. In a related story, and a much less public press release, in addition to Jeter being named Captain, Bernie Williams was named "Tennille". "Love. Love will keep us together…" Or perhaps in light of the Yanks recent fielding woes that song should be titled, "Glove Will Keep Us Together"? Well enough with the singing already, what's shakin' in the Full Monty this week? I see that the Caruso Brothers team is now worthless. Please though, before Guy or Joe blow a gasket, let me explain. Last week Vandalay dropped outfielder Todd Hollandsworth and this week they've DL'ed Kurt Ainsworth, leaving them with no players on their active roster that have "worth" in their names, hence they're now "worthless"… So is Matt & The Hat for real or what? These past two weeks not only have Shanley and Matt reached pitching nadir (dictionary alert!) with a perfect 80 out of 80 points, but lo and behold (and do you ever see the word "lo" without it being followed by "behold"? Just wondering), they're also moving UP the power categories! Ouch! If this keeps up, we're all fighting for second, and Mr. Kelly's going for a jersey fitting… Looks like last week's "Trading the Brian Legere Way" column had the intended positive effects on this league, as the trading activity really heated up. This week, no less than four different teams (including Brian's Breaking Balls) combined to trade 19 players, headed up by the re-emergence of Trader Neil, who's dealt for no less than three closers, and "You're Killing Me Smalls", as Charlie & Joe totally remake their roster in an attempt to escape the second division… Our fourth trading partner is also this week's biggest mover at +17. Fellow owners take note that the He-Man Yankee Haters Club have begun their ascent into respectability, as Donnie Rotisserie Baseball and Andro acquire Tim Hudson from Sucks 2 Be Me, but, caveat emptor (pardon my Latin), have to trade Todd Helton to get him… And finally, one more thing I have to get off of my chest. I'm telling you, if I have to sit through one more Mets double-header in which they drop both games by ten runs, I think I'm going to shoot myself! Better yet, how about we have a new promotion at the next Mets two-fer? We'll call it Daniel Pearl Day at Shea. Between games they'll trot out a blindfolded Steve Phillips to the pitcher's mound for a public execution. Fred Wilpon, you're next. That would make it a double (be)header wouldn't it? Ouch, let's play two!… Oh well, guess you can't have everything can you? Your favorite hockey team wins the championship while your favorite baseball team goes into the crapper. Hey could be worse, I could be a Red Wings/Tigers fan, right? Well folks, time to turn off the microphone for another week and get some real work done. Thank you for coming and thank you for your patience and cooperation on Monday when I was hustling everyone to get their moves in to me early so I could run off the numbers and go to the game. See, contrary to popular belief, I guess you really can run this league and still have some semblance of a life. OK, I won't push it… Now it looks like I'm outta time. Don't forget to tip your waitresses and drive home safely (without the waitresses, mind you!)… 'til next week… 
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