So I'm about to start off this week's column with a song tribute to the late Ray Charles, no not the old Mets 3rd baseman, that would be Ed Charles, but judging by the way he fielded the Hot Corner, he might've been blind too! So anyway, I'm humming "You've Got The Right One Baby (Uh-Huh!)" and along comes this e-mail from Neil detailing his 9-for-9 deal with Chuck and Joe. Now I'm no longer humming, I'm choking! Neil definitely didn't have the right ones on his team, he was in 16th place after all, and baby, have you seen the names changing hands in this deal? Uh-Huh! Smoltz, Gagne, Prior, Loaiza, Bagwell, Huff, Andruw Jones and oh, did I mention this guy named Manny Ramirez? You don't have to be blind to see through this deal, just your basic eight-All Stars-pitching-for-hitting kinda deal, no? No! This is a downright blockbuster! Piano Man and The Commish sorry to inform, but the A-Rod/Mariano deal is now #2 on the list. Here's what Charlie "Home Run" Baker had to say about the deal:

This deal was put together by Chuck & Neil with minimal input from Joe. Although Joe gave his approval of this trade, it was going to happen even if he didn't. So to the great disappointment of our fellow team owners, the annual Chuck & Joe war will be delayed a bit longer. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

However, in the meantime, for those of you that are interested, Neil is setting up wagering lines on the Chuck & Joe war. Hopefully John will have them posted soon. Wagers from when the war will start to how long it will last, and from how many others will get involved to how many get annoyed! There's even a line on how many unique lines/swears Kevin will create!! I was also just informed that there's an over/under on how many e-mails Brian will send out asking us not to send him this crap to his work address!! Plus many, many others!!!! Just like Vegas! If the sorry ass team you drafted can't win the league, maybe you can have better luck with winning some bets.

Good luck to all, Chuck

Now about those odds! Here they are, please have all wagers in by the Monday transaction deadline. Two or more proposition bets may be combined into a parlay if you so desire...

How long will this episode of "The Chuck and Joe War" last?

Less than 10 emails, 25 - 1
A week or two, 10 - 1
Into the heat of summer, 7 - 1
Longer than the Kobe Bryant trial, 6 - 1
Longer than the Scott Peterson trial, 5 - 1
Longer than the Michael Jackson trial, 500 - 1
(by the way can you believe the OJ trial was 10 years ago!)
Until Joe becomes a father for the 2nd time, 5 - 2
Until Chuck becomes a father for the 1st time, 1,000,000 - 1

How many other league owners will get involved in the ensuing e-mail thread?

None, 10,000 - 1
1 or 2, 500 - 1
"Oh? 3 or 4!" (sorry Woody Woodpecker fan here!), 25 - 1
more than five, 2 - 1
more than five but none of them are Kevin Kelly, 1 billion - 1

How many people will get annoyed at this e-mail thread?

All of us, -370 on the money line
No one, 1 trillion to 1 (and I'm holding my pinky sideways against the corner of my mouth Dr. Evil style on this one!)

How many unique swear lines/metaphors will Kevin Kelly create? Over/under 3 ˝

How many times will Brian Legere ask that his work address be taken off the list? O/U 12 ˝

How many times will Brian Legere ask that someone make him an offer for Octavio Dotel? Over/Under 47 ˝ (which is strange because Brian's a huge Spider Man fan and isn't Octavio Dotel the guy who turns into Doc Octopus?)

So of course, after reading all this, I wanted to get involved as well. After all, my team's in fifteenth place and falling faster than the Botox in Anna Nicole's butt and I arrange to meet Neil at our favorite trading locale, "The Diner", scene of the league's first three-way (trade that is!) back in 1993. We don't have Ian there anymore like we did back then, but I'm feelin' good about having the home field advantage. So some french toast, (or are we still saying the anti-francophone "freedom toast"? And no that's not John Franco on the bullpen phone, hang up!) and a few hash browns later, I've managed to pick through Neil's "sloppy seconds" (and his hash browns) and come out with Sammy Sosa and a closer (Joe Nathan, knew I should've had a hot dog!) for some loose change and spare parts.

When the dust cleared on the week, Neil had traded 16 players from his team (13 active guys and 3 reserved) and paid for my grilled cheese for a new league record for trading activity in a single week. That's the player total that's a record mind you, the record for grilled cheeses at the diner in a week in a seemingly insurmountable 12 back when I was single and still living next door to the place. Sure, last season Brian Legere described the virtues of at least this many players in his desperate attempt to trade Raul Mondesi but he never actually dealt for them all. Kudos to the man known as Trader Neil, who makes a triumphant return to the Swap Fest. Oh, and the real reason Raul Mondesi left the Pirates? No, not fear for his or his family's life as has been reported, but rather fear that he was about to be traded back to Brian's team…

… and now just for fun, and since we're all in the betting spirit, let's end the column with some great proposition bets for each of our other league owners, such as …

· Which will be greater, the number of weeks Jim Kalach spends in 1st place, or the amount of time Jose Contreras has left as a Yankee?

· How many fish will Freedom Fries Freddy Laberge catch on his current fishing trip up in the Great White North ("Take off! It's a beauty way to go! Koo-loo-koo-koo, koo-loo-koo-koo! Good day, eh?"), over/under of 5 ˝.
· Which will be greater? The number of winners Ray Boyce will card at Belmont over the Fourth of July weekend or the number of Reds pitchers taken off the free agent list the rest of the season? Can I get 30 seconds on the microwave clock for this one?
· Number of trades turned down by Bruce versus the number of lopsided trade offers made by the Brothers Caruso and Doug Quat?
· Over/under on the number of Japanese players on Dennis Milewski-san's final roster? O/U 4 ˝ (and I'm predicting a Dotel and Takatsu deal with Brian!)
· Chance of Brian Boghosian re-activating and then putting Austin Kearns on his Reserve List at least one more time this season? 3 - 1 odds for, and when exactly did Ken Griffey do the Scott Bakula/Quantum Leap thing into Austin's body?
· Number of different e-mail addresses used by Jim "Can't Spam Me" Flinn to send me all of Down Goes Zimmer's transactions this season? Over/under is 5 ˝
· Will the He-Man Yankee Haters end the season with a Yankee on the roster? Odds of 4 - 1 against.
· Number of teeth in Kevin Shanley's mouth at next season's draft (I might add that he's just recently moved back to West Virginia), over/under starts at 11 ˝, might move down as betting action warrants.
· Chance of Walt breaking Neil's record of 16 players traded in the same week? 5-to-1, odds drop down to even money if he falls below 13th place next week.
· Odds that I missed someone in the above list: 2 - 1, it is getting late after all…

Remember bet with your head, not over it! And never (and I mean never) bet on a Bob Brenley managed team at the back end of a three-team parlay! 'til next week…

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