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I must begin this column with some sad news. Yes, I am sorry to report that due to last week's overuse, The Commish's Office karaoke machine is now in the shop for repairs! Therefore, I promise I won't sing in this week's column! Although I must admit, had the karaoke machine been working, I was quite tempted to do a Wilson Phillips medley in honor of the Mets firing GM Steve Phillips. You know, I could've done "Baby, you've just got to release me", "I just want to be impulsive; and reckless" and "Hold on, for one more day"… …three Wilson Phillips song snippets later, all song lyrics are henceforth banned from this column… And we're not even going to go near the topic of Carnie Wilson appearing in this month's Playboy, go there on your own if you dare, I've got a baseball column to write… So if we can't sing, what can we do? I know, how's about we read a book? Not much out there though as we all patiently await the 5th novel in the Harry Potter series later this month. Checking in on the best seller list, I see about five different books about a new twist on the Atkins diet, four medical/legal/supernatural/political thrillers and the latest "tell all" written by none other than the former First Lady, Hillary Clinton. Well, at least she claims to have written it… Anyway, I hear there's some nice juicy tidbits in here, let's take a look under the cover as I present another Top Ten list, straight from the Home Office in Denville, New Jersey…
Moving on to other annoying women in the news (er, this is a baseball column, isn't it?), does anyone else find it strange that on the same day that Martha Stewart gets fingerprinted, the Blue Jays place outfielder Shannon Stewart on the DL? Hmmm… Kind of explains the "clone" in ImClone, now doesn't it? Martha was also sighted this past week at a New York Yankees game, and wearing a team jersey at that. Now, I don't think Martha's a big Yankee fan, but I bet she was seeing what is was like to wear pinstripes since she's going to be seeing an awful lot of the black and white striped attire, as in prison garb, in her near future. My guess is that we next see her at Minute Maid field. While the Astros are sporting their retro late 70's jerseys, she'll be all decked out in an orange jumpsuit and shackles… Staying with the 'Stros, How about that Six Pitcher No-Hitter last week they threw at the Yankees? First time an entire bullpen combined for a no-hitter. As a matter of fact, I haven't checked the box score yet but I think that Ken Forsch and J.R. Richard got an inning and a third in between them! That lack of offense just had to make Steinbrenner real happy, don't you think? And here's another little known fact about that game. Not only did the Yanks get no-hit on the field, they also had Johnny Bench painting the bullpen seats that same night using Krylon spray paint. Yep, you guessed it, "no runs, no drips, no errors" there either… So maybe it isn't going to be a long, long time after all for The Rocket Man as Roger Clemens managed to get his 300th career win in his 4th try on Friday night against the Cardinals. But no matter how long it took him to get there, I still say that Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact it's cold as hell… Sorry, I know I promised that I wouldn't sing this week. I just can't help myself! "Fame! I wanna live forever…" Speaking of fame, how's about Roger's little tirade about whose cap he's going into the Hall of Fame wearing? He swears, and I paraphrase, that come hell or high water he's going in with a Yankee cap on and if they make him wear a Red Sox cap he's going to boycott the induction ceremony. Ye gods! Could this guy have any bigger ego! At this point, I actually think his head's too big for any size cap, regardless of team. Sorry Rog, I say "you dance with the one that brung ya", and whatever cap the Hall committee decides you wear, you say "thank you very kindly" and you show up for your big day! Then again considering all the money Clemens has "stolen" in his career (and remember, it's never about the money!), I say they enshrine him wearing a ski mask or a nylon stocking over his bronze face instead of anyone's baseball cap… Taking a very quick run around The Full Monty, we have Matt & The Hat still in 1st place, and still a perfect 80 of 80 in the pitching categories. Hey Shanley, you get that water turned back on yet? (Sorry, inside joke there, I ran into Kev at the local Home Depot this past weekend.) Trader Brian's Breaking Balls are closing in, only 12 points out as of this writing. For those of you keeping score at home (and worrying that The Hat is running away with this thing), that's just "six up for Brian and six down for Shanley", though easier said than done I realize… Now revisiting some recent trade activity, the pitcher that Brian "threw in" to the Kevin Millwood deal he made last week has caused Chuck and Joe to "throw up"! "You're Killing Me Brett Tomko" gave up no less than 18 earned runs in 7 1/3 innings this past week, making Shawn Chacon's outing last week seem quite "Astro-esque". In fact, the two teams that Brian has traded with, Sucks 2 Be Me and "You're Killing Me Smalls", have had double-digit minus falls this past week. You know, I think Brian left something out of his "Trading My Way" column a few weeks ago. You see there's this part about calling Madame Cleo and breaking out the Ouija board… There's also a big run coming out of the second division as no less than nine teams are now clustered within 9 points of each other, from 5th place all the way down to 13th, including Donny Rotisserie Baseball and Andro, who ride their 2nd straight double-digit plus week all the way up to 9th place. And who is this week's biggest mover? Why it's none other than Team B.S. as Cousin Brucie escapes the league cellar! His lease is up on the beautifully furnished basement apartment and as the Jeffersons say he's "Moving on up! (to the East Side)" The "B.S." no longer stands for "Bruce Stinks" as the rookie's in 15th now, and he's got the 14th place Quat Thrusts! in his cross hairs! Nice grammatically incorrect sentence there with two exclamation points wasn't it? Hey Doug? One more time (with feeling), why the punctuated team name again? Before I leave you all again for another week, a reminder to go see that new movie, "Dumb and Dumberer - When Harry Met Graeme Lloyd". No it's not about all the transactions that Doug Quat has made thus far this season. It's just a prequel to the movie "Dumb and Dumber", which starred Jim Carrey as Charlie Baker and Jeff Daniels as Joe Mastrangelo, and told the story about how Charlie, drafting #2, passed up John Smoltz in the 2nd round of this year's draft in favor of Derek Jeter, even though the team picking after him had two picks before Charlie went again, and they already had A-Rod… Pretty "dumb" move, eh? Hey Joe, was Charlie also the guy who signed off on Brett Tomko? I see a 3rd movie in the works, "Dumberer and Dumbererer - When Joe Killed Charlie"… Well it's been fun. That's about all I've got room for this week. I'm off to go have a few beers with Rod Beck in that trailer he was living in. You know, the one he had parked in the minor league stadium's parking lot before the Padres signed him? Seriously, he was living in a trailer while in the minors, parked just outside the outfield fence, hanging out with fans and popping a few brews with them after each game. Kinda cool, no? And using Trader Brian's Ouija board to channel Saturday Night Live's resident "motivational speaker", Chris Farley, might I add, that it's not so bad "living in a trailer, DOWN BY THE RIVER!!!!!!!!!!!" That's all folks, got to go check on the karaoke machine repairs… 'til next week…
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