For Commissioner Selig, "When It's Love"

For Boston Red Sox fans, "Dreams"

For all those guys who fix themselves in the batters box, "Panama"

… and I was tempted to end that last lyric with, instead of "Panama", the word "enema", but realized I had probably gone too far into that dark place and needed to turn around and leave immediately. Plus, all the splinters! Oh, never mind! So finally, I decide on a VH song that's both easily recognizable by all, and topical, but unfortunately is sung by David Lee Roth, but hey you can't have everything… So put those song snippets away, fire up The Commish's Office karaoke machine, and if you're a fan of the TV show "Angel", give me your best Lorne as we sing along to the tune of Van Halen's "Running With The Devil"…

Speaking of running and devils, I do believe that congratulations are in order for Jose Contreras who has finally been reunited with his wife and daughter, who've pulled an El Duque and run away from devil Fidel to join Jose in America. Now I do realize that this is a Van Halen themed song night, but how's about we crank up the Wayback Karaoke Machine and belt out a little Sister Sledge for the Contreras Clan!

Moving from Cuba to other totalitarian states, I see that the governor of Connecticut has finally bowed to the intense public pressure to resign. So now what? Does Aaron Rowand just go back to playing centerfield for the White Sox five days a week? Oh, that's not Rowand, it's R-O-W-L-A-N-D, John. Sure, whatever, I still think the guy shagging flies in Chicago could've done a better job. Heck, even Kelly Rowland of Destiny's Child fame could've done better! "I'm a survivor, I'm a believer, run for public office, become a deceiver"…

Did anyone else realize that in the same week, Ken Griffey, the New York Mets, and Bill Clinton got to 500? For Griffey it was his 500th career home run and for the Amazins a .500 winning percentage that's eluded them thus far all season. As for Slick Willie, what we got was 500 more reasons to cringe as we get to once again dine on the sordid details of the Clinton Administration in Bill's new book "Man Am I Glad I'm Not President Now. How's A Man Supposed To Get A Hummer When These Terrorists Are Chopping Everyone's Head Off!" Now seguing ever so carefully now into the final joke of this paragraph… That Korean guy they just beheaded in Iraq? That wasn't Byung Hyung Kim by any chance was it? No? Oh well, why should a Red Sox fan expect to be so lucky anyway…

In other league news, we've lost another owner from the dwindling list of bachelors as Kevin Shanley will be getting married this weekend in his new home state of West Virginia! No word on whether or not he's wearing the hat (and if so, will it match his bowtie and boudinere), but there is however some rumor going around (and I think Doug Quat is spreading it) that Mike LaValliere, John Candelaria and Jose Lind will be The Hat's groomsmen. Matter of fact, I also hear he invited Randall Simon to the reception. And you know what that means, don't you? Yep, no sausages during the cocktail hour! Best of luck to our youngest league member from the rest of us, the married guys, and the remaining holdout, lucky bastards who are still single! Uh, hold on, is my wife looking over my shoulder as I write this? Wait, let me turn around slowly… and have a peek… Oh, hi honey! What's that?! A baseball bat! Hold on honey, I didn't mean that! No need to go all Randall Simon on me, baby! This ain't Waiting To Exhale you know! Please, no not there… I type with those fingers! What's this? A sword? No I won't release any "political prisoners" so you can be-"head" them… Aaargh! As you can see, I gotta run! Literally! 'til next week…