The Korean Baseball Organization handed down a ruling this past week that Doosan Bears ace pitcher Park Myung-hwan will no longer be allowed to wear iced cabbage leaves under his cap while pitching after he "lost a leaf" in a recent game. Hold it! What is this about Mike Cubbage and Byung Kim? No, no, no, this is "cabbage" not "Cubbage", you know the leafy lettuce-like stuff you find in the produce aisle at your local Pathmark (or Winn-Dixie in Doug's case)? And it's not Byung, it's Myung-hwan, get it? Yes, this young Myung Korean fellow was supposedly wearing these cabbage leaves under his cap, explaining that it helps him sweat less and focus more on pitching?! Man this guy's a real Cabbage Pitch Kid, eh?

Seriously, I'm not making this stuff up! If I did, believe me he'd be wearing better stuff than cabbage. Maybe some nice raddichio or a fine watercress perhaps. And the news article goes on to state that "it was widely known since last year that Park had used cabbages at his wife's recommendation". Oh sure, now I see what's going on here, she tells him to use the cabbage, while she takes care of the cucumbers… That article doesn't have any quotes from Myung-hwan himself stating what he's going to do now that he can't produce the produce under his lid. But I did read a rumor at CrazyKorean-dot-com that the pitcher has promised to switch to a less distracting fruit salad (not that there's anything wrong with that!), which he'll keep in his pants pocket (and yes, he's happy to see you!) Gaylord Perry eat your (artichoke) heart out…

Speaking of illegal foreign substances (and I ask you, isn't anything used in Korea a foreign substance? Well at least to us, no?) Angels pitcher Brendan Donnelly (or should I just stretch that to Donnelly-san?) has been suspended 10 games for having pine tar on his mitt. What in the name of George Brett is going on here? Pine tar? That's not a vegetable? Geez, with all the fuss being made you would've thought the guy was packing a carrot covered in K-Y! (Oops! Let's go back and put that last sentence on a "five word delay") So when the illegal "pitching aid" was discovered in a recent Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim/Washington Nationals (Go Nads!, er, make that Go Nats!) inter-league game a bench clearing social-standing-around session "ensued" and managers Frank Robinson and Mike Scioscia exchanged some unkind words calling each other names like "cheater", "scoundrel" and "roodie poo candy ass". And if you listened closely to what the field mikes were picking up you might have heard this…

Scioscia: "You don't frighten us, Washington pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Robinson King," you and all your silly Washington K-Nats."

Robinson: "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a bullpen catcher and your father smelt of elderberries!"

Things even got so far out of hand that Washington outfielder Jose Guillen, who was thrown of the Angels team and straight out of both Los Angeles and Anaheim last season, was quoted as saying that his ex-manager Scioscia was "a piece of bleeping garbage", Hey, dem be fighting words! But at least he didn't call him a cabbage! Just imagine what's gonna happen next time these two teams meet again. Which according to my handy dandy Buddy Selig inter-league scheduler looks like it will be sometime in the summer of 2008, probably about the same time I'll be able to get good seats to see Monthy Python's Spamalot on Broadway…

From Spamalot to Tradealot (nice segue, eh!), I'm proud to announce that we've already broken Full Monty Fantasy Baseball League records for most players traded in a season and most teams completing at least one trade. At press time 65 players have been traded by 13 different teams. And if the remaining "Tradeless Three" do not consummate a deal before the All Star Break, I start naming names and public shaming will be encouraged! Come on guys, loosen the tie; have a little fun! Maybe just a quick "three-way" deal where you all sit in a circle and pass your worst pitcher to the left? After all Subpoena Coolata has already traded away a league-high 14 players by themselves off their original 23 man roster! That number of 14 by itself is not a record however as The Commish and Kevin still have a ways to go to get within striking distance of the glory days of Trader Neil and Intentional Walt. I mean, those were crazy days! They'd have four different guys manning the 1/3 position between Monday and Thursday and then make a trade on Friday to get back the guy they traded on Monday! That being said, the league's first trading "deadline" is July 31st (with limited "3 positions in the standings in either direction" trading then allowed until the end of August) so there's plenty of time to see if we can get that number up into the triple digits! Walt? Neil? I assume you have each other's phone numbers?

While we're talking about trading how many of you saw the recent article on Rotoworld.com dealing with "Fantasy Annoyances"? Thank you to everyone who sent me a link this week, for those of you who haven't already seen it, I'll reprint a bit of it below. I'm sure we can all look in the mirror and see ourselves (and my brother Brian standing behind us!) when we read this:

(reprinted and slightly edited for space considerations from Jonathan Gangi's column at Rotoworld.com (hopefully he won't mind the free advertising...)

Thought of the Week: Fantasy Annoyances

Life, of course, is full of annoyances. People who stand too close to you in line. John Mayer. Credit cards companies that apply early payments to the previous billing cycle then hit you with a late fee the following month. The black-coat guy from Sprint PCS ads. Cyclists who choose to ride on the busiest, narrowest roads…during rush hour. Janeane Garofalo. Ass kissers who reply to management's emails with "I concur!" Spam (excluding ads for the Natural Bra, of course). Celebrities who think their fame magically ordains them to write children's books. (You can't believe how many there are: John Lithgow, Jamie Lee Curtis, Madonna, Maria Shriver, Billy Crystal, LeAnn Rimes, and John Travolta to name a few.) Need I go on? Anyway, in the realm of fantasy sports, we have our share of annoyances as well. Here are a few that come to mind.

Trade Wimps

I divide these types into two subcategories: trade celibates and trade teases. The celibates flat out refuse to make trades. Doesn't matter if they are 20 points back in the standings. They'd rather finish dead last than risk being swindled. Once you've identified one, don't waste another second trying to work a deal with her (and I use that pronoun with Parcellsian connotation). She'll end up frustrating you like Donna did David on 90210.

Trade teases are even worse. They engage in trade talks and sometimes even agree to deals only to back out at the last moment. These guys have been known to send an offer by instant message and then retract it immediately after the other party agrees. Annoying! And I know exactly what they're thinking: "Hey wait, why did he accept my offer? He must know something I don't. Clip this!"

(COMMISH'S NOTE: Hey! That is Brian in the mirror! Bro, how you doing?)

Lame-Duck Owners

This is the guy who signs up for the league, and then stops setting his lineup by Week 3. Little does he realize (or care) how he's tainted it for everyone else. In office leagues, this is often times some manager who initially has a notion to mix with the plebeians. Bravo! Of course, when he figures out that he's going to get his butt whooped like Leonardo DiCaprio every week, he decides to bail, so he can always fall back on the age-old excuse, "I didn't have time for it." Shya.
(COMMISH'S NOTE: It's always nice when the guy in dead last keeps trying. I trade away two-thirds of my team, Guy keeps picking up pseudo-closers, we'll both be seeing the rest you "in the rear view mirror" sometime in late September. And don't worry, you won't be "closer than you appear" either...)

Over-Involved Commissioners

You've got to appreciate anyone who takes time out of his life to manage a fantasy league for everyone's enjoyment. That said, some dudes just suffocate a league with their over involvement, vetoing trades that they don't deem to be exactly 100% even. In extreme cases (like the Roto Rooting Invitational) a commish will even engage in message-board battles with owners and lock out owners who dare to defy him. How's this for over involvement: The aforementioned commissioner of the Roto Rooting Invitational recently disclosed that he reads "private" messages between owners to check for collusion. Easy, Ace Ventura.
(COMMISH'S NOTE: I want everyone to email me "Thank You for being a nice commissioner" after reading the above paragraph and realizing how lucky you are!)

Sabotaging Wives

You know the scene. Desperate Housewives ends. Your wife gets up to use the bathroom. You quickly flip to ESPN News before some rerun of Sex in the City starts. Low and behold, Eric Gagne is back on the DL. You make it halfway to the computer, halfway to Yhency Brazoban, when the bathroom door creaks open. "Where are you going?" your wife asks. "Just need to make a quick pickup for my fantasy team," you reply nervously. "It'll take me two minutes." "Now?" she asks, looking at you like a subhuman. "But I need you to go to the store before it closes. We're low on Cutex." Most wives hate competition and therefore see fantasy sports as the enemy. If they can't stop you from playing them, maybe they can at least take some of the joy out of it.
(COMMISH'S NOTE: I will be sending Trish a "Thank You" e-mail after reading the above paragraph and realizing how lucky I am! I suggest you do the same if it applies, for your wife that is, not Trish…)

Incessant Bad Offers

You can't help but get excited when a new trade proposal pops into your Inbox. So, it's painfully deflating when you open the message to find an offer of Bengie Molina and Chan Ho Park for David Ortiz. When this becomes a recurring trend, it's downright angering. People send me crappy offers all the time, and I always respond with the same question: "Do you really think I would give you my best player for two guys you don't even use?" Their stock response? "Maybe you will press Accept by accident." Please tell me you have better things to do with your time…
(COMMISH'S NOTE: Firing up the email program once again, I'll be "replying all" shortly with a very generous offer of "Bernie Williams for Albert Pujols"…)

And finally a very Happy one-week belated "29th" Birthday to owner Bruce Lerman! No, Bruce isn't the last item on the list of "fantasy annoyances", that part of the column is over and I was just wishing him a happy birthday in my own closing comments. What's that? Check Alex's list of fantasy annoyances? Hey, that's not nice! 'til next week…

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