This past weekend, the Brothers Legere and Bruce "B.S." Lerman traveled down to Philadelphia to meet up with Intentional Walt for a Phillies/Red Sox interleague game at The Vet. What follows is a diary of the event.

The following takes place between the hours of 8AM and 1PM on Saturday, June 21st, which is NOT the day of the California Presidential primary. Events happen in real time. Tick, tick, tick, tick…

8:00 AM - The Commish awakens, still feeling the effects of being on a Barnes and Noble line at 1AM, a mere 7 hours ago, to get the new Harry Potter book for Mrs. Commish. Don't ask! A husband's duties are never done, especially if he want to make an all day road trip to Philadelphia with his friends to see a baseball game on a weekend. The Commish rolls out of bed, narrowly avoids stepping on the cat (also known as "pussyfooting"), hits the shower and gets ready for today's road trip. He's scheduled to pick up his brother at 9AM sharp.

8:01 AM - Meanwhile, over at Team B.S. headquarters, Bruce wakes up with the really bad 70's tune "Listen To The Rhythm of the Falling Rain" in his head as it's absolutely pouring outside! He's also pondering trying to talk The Commish into a slight itinerary change, making a left turn somewhere in South Jersey instead of a right towards Philly. Quoting a good Springsteen song, would anyone care to "meet me tonight in Atlantic City"?

8:02 AM - Brian's already been up for over two and a half hours and is now watching his 3rd Scooby Doo video with his kids.

9:00 AM - The Commish arrives at Brian's house and upon entering Brian's daughter Dana asks, "Uncle John? Where are you and Daddy going?" To which The Commish replies, "Daddy and I are going to a baseball stadium to get REALLY wet!" Dana thinks that sounds like fun, can she go? After finally convincing her that she's too young to be subjected to a game that could involve the Red Sox bullpen, Brian's ready to go, all decked out in his official "road trip" garb; jeans, a Yankee cap and a Jason Giambi #25 t-shirt.

9:08 AM - Back at the Hall of Justice, er make that Team B.S. HQ, Bruce is getting hungry but he's not eating, saving it for breakfast with the Legere's (and wouldn't that be a good sitcom!). Speaking of food, Bruce ponders a real Philly cheesesteak at Gino's or Pat's? Hey Bruce, what's up with this jones-ing for cheesesteak? I thought we were going to Atlantic City…

9:17 AM - The Commish-mobile arrives at Casa De Lerman for pickup. The boys decide to hit Paul's Diner for breakfast as it's just down the road and close to the highway. And what diner in New Jersey isn't "just down the road and close to the highway?"

9:25 AM - The convoy/cruise ship arrives at Paul's Diner, home of the $12.95 New Zealand Lamb Chops (and wouldn't Shari Lewis be appalled!). "Table for three, non-smoking." Omelettes, pancakes, bagel with cream cheese, and a bottle of anything, to go! Oh and let's not forget the "extra large" orange juice that's really just a large OJ with a Napoleonic complex…

10:00 AM - Breakfast finished, the rain continues to fall as we all run for the car. We make it in, shake ourselves dry and as they sang in the Mel Brooks movie, "History of the World", we're on the road, to Judea… Well Philly at least. OK, Sulu, set a course for Camden, warp speed, and for crissakes, keep an eye on the Doppler radar!

10:06 AM - Friday night, in anticipation of it raining cats and dogs (not men, we'll get to that later) during the drive, The Commish prepared a mixed CD consisting of 19 songs that will carry the majority of the drive. It's titled "Chance Of Showers - The Rain Mix" and contains only songs that have the word "rain" somewhere in the title. Brian slips the CD into the player and we're officially on a "road trip", now if we only had Flounder's brother's car instead of this CRV...

10:07 AM - The Rain Mix begins with "Who'll Stop The Rain" by Creedence Clearwater Revival; "… and I wonder, still I wonder, who'll stop the rain."

10:08 AM - Actually, with Friday's game rained out and it still raining today, not only are we wondering who's going to stop the rain, we're also wondering who's pitching today. Perhaps Pedro for the Sox? But he's quite fragile these days and they wouldn't want to get him wet, would they? And for the Phils? Earlier in the week we heard rumors of Padilla, but he pitched Thursday. Maybe Brandon Duckworth? Of course, it's a veritable monsoon out there, so who better to pitch than a Duck?

10:10 AM - By the way, more on this later, but do you realize that all the Phillies pitchers have their own cheering section in the upper decks at Veteran's Stadium? There's "Padilla's Flotilla" for Vincente. Turk Wendell's fans sit in a section with a "Turk's Turkeys" sign. Randy Wolf has "The Wolf Pack" and I'm not sure what Brandon Duckworth's section is, but I've got to guess something like "The Mighty Ducks" perhaps? Personally, I think they should change Padilla's section to Padilla's Tortillas, so that when he gets to be the size of Sid Fernandez there's no need for a name change…

10:11 AM - Next up on The Rain Mix it's "Here Comes The Rain Again" by the Eurythmics; "… I want to dive into your ocean, is it raining with you?" Good question from Annie Lennox, is it raining in Philly? Brian swears he saw no green at all on the Doppler over Philly this morning when he checked the Weather Channel, let's hope he's right…

10:13 AM - We spend the time reminiscing about last year's road trip to Baltimore and Shea. Residual waste trucks, Cal Ripken's museum (and do the workers EVER get a day off there?), The town of Havre De "Mark" Grace, Maryland, birds possibly crapping on our heads at Shea and Armando Benitez blowing a save… The Commish states his desire to write a book about all his "commissionings" these past 13 years. Bruce mentions how it might sell better than Harry Potter, or at least Hillary Clinton's book. The Commish winces while thinking how much more sleep he could've gotten had he not went on his post-midnight Harry Potter book run.

10:16 AM - Bruce has just officially put Armando Benitez on the trading block…

10:17 AM - Track 3 on The Rain Mix, it's an 80's classic, "Rain In The Summertime" by The Alarm; "... I love to feel the rain in the summertime, I love to feel the rain on my face …" We pass Sommerville, New Jersey on Route 287. Summerville? As in "summer"? What's that? According to the calendar, it's the first day of summer, but you can't tell from the weather, now that's a joke!

10:23 AM - The Alarm give way to the ominous opening strains of "Red Rain" by Peter Gabriel; "… red rain is coming down, coming down all over me …" Now I'm not sure what's "coming down" from the truck in front of us as I clear the windshield of spray and see that it's marked "Residual Waste"! Hey, the residual waste truck is back! And at almost the same point in the trip as last year! Is this a good omen? In fact, again I have to ask, "Isn't all waste residual"? The truck also mentions something about Solid Waste and what exactly is the difference between residual and solid waste? Brian needs to know…

10:26 AM - We drive past the exit for Pluckemin, New Jersey. Pluckemin, eh? Nothing there but a bunch of fowl people…

10:30 AM - The fifth track of The Rain Mix brings us Supertramp singing "It's Raining Again"; "Oh no, it's raining again, too bad I'm losing a friend …" And I think Brian and The Commish are about to lose a friend as Bruce, trapped in the back seat, has to endure the Legere Brothers singing along falsetto in their best Roger Hodgsdon. "Holy Pluckemin! Can it get any worse than that?" Oh Bruce almighty, be careful what you wish for…

10:33 AM - Brian than makes up for his lack of singing skills by telling a good joke about "a blind man and a big stick". I'd retell the joke here but a) this is a family show and b) I forget the exact punch line so I don't want to botch it. If you're interested, you'll just have to ask him yourself.

10:35 AM - "You're kidding me!", exclaims Bruce as The Rain Mix spits out Milli Vanilli's "Blame It On The Rain"; "You've got to blame it on something…" Just blame it on The Commish, he's the one that put this mix together…

10:36 AM - Bruce: "Did I mention that Benitez is on the block?", Yes, about 20 minutes ago…

10:38 AM - Great idea time! When we get to the Molly Pitcher Rest Area, let's put Walt's cell phone number up on the bathroom wall! For a good trade, call Walt…

10:40 AM - Everybody get your umbrellas out, "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls; "God bless Mother Nature…" Yes, Mother Nature has granted us a reprieve as it stops raining for a few minutes and is that actually a piece of clear sky down South? Brian declares that he feeling quite "Diva like" and starts belting out "It's Raining Men", and he's using that falsetto again! Sarah, be afraid, be very afraid…

10:42 AM - Talk of Brian's vocal skills lead us to an American Idol debate. Ruben, Clay or Kimberly? Bruce realizes it's going to be a long day in the car!

10:44 AM - Yo! Whassup? A shout out to all my homies in South Philly as the old school rap classic "The Rain" by Oran "Juice" Jones brings us to Track 8 on The Rain Mix; "I saw, you and him, walking in the rain…" and who can forget the classic line from this song? "Me without you is like cornflakes without the milk! You're in my world now. You're just a squirrel trying to get a nut…"

10:47.00 AM - "Dad, are we there yet?"

10:47.30 AM - "No, now stop hitting your sister and don't make me come back there!"

10:49 AM - I swear we just passed the Griswolds! A wood paneled station wagon is paddling along in the slow lane and if you look closely you can make out Aunt Edna in the back seat! Hey, is that a dog tied to the bumper…

10:50 AM - Logic states that if we just passed the Griswolds on the right, if I look left I should see Christie Brinkley in a red sports car and hear Lindsey Buckingham singing "Holiday Road". Unfortunately none of these things occurs as I look left and see some Guido-wanna-be in a blue 280Z blast by me with Twisted Sister cranking on the radio.

10:51 AM - The Rain Mix next serves up the college radio classic, "So. Central Rain" by R.E.M; "… I'm sorry! …" Yes I am sorry, as The Commish cuts off about 4 cars in a multi-lane weave that begins and ends in the fast lane while attempting to get around a U-Haul type truck with a small picket fence attached to the back bumper, cell phones everywhere are dialing #77 to report aggressive driving… Why would anyone have a fence tied to their back bumper?

10:55 AM - It's "The Rain King" by the Counting Crows; "… I've been here before, and I deserve a little more …". Yes we've all definitely been here before as there is much rejoicing when we hit the NJ Turnpike!

10:56 AM - It's 20/20 Flash Time as Bruce once again, right on that 20 minute interval, tells us that Armando Benitez can be had for a good bat.

11:02 AM - Rain Mix Track 11 is "Rain On The Scarecrow" by John Cougar Mellencamp; "… rain on the scarecrow, blood on the plow …" Speaking of scarecrows, Brian admits he actually favored Clay Aiken in American Idol. The Commish fesses up that he would've voted for Ruben and Bruce admits a slight fondness for Kimberly, who by the way, eerily enough looked a little like Armando Benitez, didn't she?

11:07 AM - Yes! It's some 80's hair band music as "After The Rain" by Nelson turns up on The Rain Mix! "… after the rain, washes away the tears, and all the pain …" And washes away all the cars too! It's begun raining heavy again, almost as much water as in The Perfect Storm. Hey is that George Clooney towing that boat in the right lane…

11:11 AM - The Rain Mix is bringing things down a notch with "Purple Rain" by the artist formerly and once again known as Prince; "… I only wanted 2 see U laughing in the purple rain …". We pass a BMW with Massachusetts plates and lo and behold, it's full of Red Sox fans making the drive down I-95 for the game. "We only want 2 see U languishing in 2nd place. Yankees reign, Yankees reign…"

11:13 AM - Road sign states "Congestion ahead". OK boys, let's break out the Neosynephrine! Pass the tissues too, this could get ugly.

11:16 AM - "By the way guys, Armando's…" "Yes, we know!!!"

11:19 AM - We arrive at the Molly Pitcher Rest Area with the windows down as Brian taunts some Red Sox fans while hanging out of the car. Brian's "Let's Go Yankees" chant is met with much derision and cries of "Fahwk You!" (and those were the chicks!) Got to love a Bostonian cursing with an accent! Now this would all be well and good except that did I mention the windows were wide open and we had "I Love A Rainy Night" by Eddie Rabbitt ("Showers washed all my cares away, I'd wake up to a sunny day…") cranked up on The Rain Mix? Oh well, guess we'll just be parking on the other side of the lot right after I lower the radio. Who are we kidding, Eddie Rabbitt Rocks!!!!!!!

11:21 AM - For those of you who are wondering just exactly who this Molly Pitcher person is, and why she has a rest area named after her, here's a brief biography:

An Artillery wife, Mary Hays McCauly (better known as Molly Pitcher) shared the rigors of Valley Forge with her husband, William Hays. Her actions during the battle of Monmouth on June 28, 1778 became legendary. That day at Monmouth was as hot as Valley Forge was cold. Someone had to cool the hot guns and bathe parched throats with water.

Across that bullet-swept ground, a striped skirt fluttered. Mary Hays McCauly was earning her nickname "Molly Pitcher" by bringing pitcher after pitcher of cool spring water to the exhausted and thirsty men. She also tended to the wounded and once, heaving a crippled Continental soldier up on her strong young back, carried him out of reach of hard-charging Britishers. On her next trip with water, she found her artilleryman husband back with the guns again, replacing a casualty. While she watched, Hays fell wounded. The piece, its crew too depleted to serve it, was about to be withdrawn. Without hesitation, Molly stepped forward and took the rammer staff from her fallen husband's hands. For the second time on an American battlefield, a woman manned a gun. (The first was Margaret Corbin during the defense of Fort Washington in 1776.) Resolutely, she stayed at her post in the face of heavy enemy fire, ably acting as a matross (gunner).

For her heroic role, General Washington himself issued her a warrant as a noncommissioned officer. Thereafter, she was widely hailed as "Sergeant Molly." A flagstaff and cannon stand at her gravesite at Carlisle, Pennsylvania. A sculpture on the battle monument commemorates her courageous deed.

So of course you can see why she was given such a grand honor as having a rest area on the New Jersey Turnpike named after her, can't you? "The Molly Pitcher Rest Area, a place to cool your hot guns and bathe your parched throat with water"…

11:23 AM - Wiping some schmutz (pardon my Yiddish) off the car, I could sure use a sponge. Or even a SpongeBob Squarepants! You see, on the way down, your woefully uninformed commissioner has FINALLY learned the SpongeBob theme song, thanks to a Bruce and Brian duet:

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Sponge bob square pants
Absorbant and yellow and pourous is he
Sponge bob Square pants.
If nautical nonsense be something you wish
Spongebob square pants
Then jump on the deck and flub like a fish
Sponge Bob Square Pants

Hey I like those lyrics! Maybe next week we'll write SpongeSam CorksBats or something…

11:28 AM - We're all done doing our business and Walt's cell phone # is now in Stall 4 (call now, don't delay!) so we bid a fond adieu to Molly P and head on back out on the road. Next stop, the (Intentional) Walt Whitman rest area for gas, the lines are way too long here, we're having flashbacks to the Jimmy Carter Administration as a matter of fact…

11:30 AM - We turn off the Rain Mix for awhile and turn on Sports Radio Philadelphia, 610 AM to see if the game's been cancelled. Best we can tell the game's still on and it's Pedro versus Randy Wolf! Actually on the way to 610 AM The Commish accidentally stopped the "seek" button on 570 AM, which is a Spanish music station (and who hasn't done that while scanning the AM frequency band?) and for a minute there I thought the pitching match-up was Julio Inglesias versus Jon Secada! And what a cheering section that would be? "Secada's Marauders" perhaps?

11:36 AM - Some guy calls in to 610 AM wanting the Phillies to trade for a closer. Bruce immediately reaches for his cell phone, intent on calling in an Armando for Mesa trade offer! Brian dives for the phone and is able to wrestle it out of Bruce's hand as The Commish swerves to avoid some fast lane road kill. Hey wait that wasn't roadkill, that was Mo Vaughn's career we just missed running over? Same thing I guess…

11:45 AM - Poor guy calling in wondering why the Flyers can't beat the Devils. Hey dude, hang in there, at least you're not a Ranger fan! By the way, how's the NHL Draft going? Rumors of Jagr to Broadway abound.

11:56 AM - 20 minutes have elapsed since the last Armando Reminder but Bruce is conspicuously silent? Brian crawls into the back seat to check for a pulse. Everything's OK, we just need coffee!

12:00 Noon - Too many depressed Philadelphia sports fans so it's back to The Rain Mix! Track #15 is "I Made It Through The Rain" by Barry Manilow; "… and found myself respected, by the others who, got rained on too…" Brian decides to go Justin Timberlake on us once again! Small woodland animals are seen on the median running for cover…

12:02 PM - We Intentionally pull into the Walt Whitman rest area for gas. As we fill up, we check in with Walt via cell phone (he hasn't gotten any trade offers yet, but some transvestite named Alice just called to see if he was free on Wednesday). Also, the Commish finishes off the last of his Dragonfruit energy drink. Realizing what it is that their driver has just finished, Bruce and Brian immediately call for a urine test! Hey guys, chill out, this isn't Red Bull! Or even Ephreda for that matter. Just a red juice drink (pear, apple, grape and something called dragonfruit whatever that is), with some guarana and ginseng is all. The Commish proceeds to the rest rooms anyway…

12:04 PM - As we finish gassing up, Bruce wonders out loud if Alice the cell phone wielding transvestite would have any interest in trading for Armando Benitez? Brian and The Commish immediately have total recall of that movie "Risky Business"…

12:07 PM - Despite all the chaos around us, The Rain Mix continues on unabated as "Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby follows Barry Manilow. "… sad song drifting low …" Drifting off of the highway as a matter of fact. Here's where Mapquest has us get off of I-95 and head over to I-76 for the remainder of our trip. Although to do that, we have to go through a town that ends in "Mawr". "Maw-err?" As in "Bill from Politically Incorrect?" Can't anyone spell around here? We quickly realize that that isn't the only thing strange in this town as we see some 112-year old lady using a walker heading for the Wendy's drive-thru window. We also see a Chinese food place named "Yummy Yummy Chinese Food". And who's the genius who missed the marketing spot of the year and failed to place an "In My Tummy" in parentheses in the middle of that name? Or perhaps the sign wouldn't have fit the façade then? Oh well…

12:10 PM - Two traffic lights later we look right and see a sign for "Bernie's Hairstyling For Men" and underneath that a placard proclaiming "Parking In Rear". Not that there's anything wrong with that…

12:13 PM - Rain Mix Track 17 (you've got to love 80 minutes CD-R's!) is "Fire & Rain" by James Taylor. "… I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end …" Yes folks for the first time all day the sun's out and it feels like this drive (and this column for that matter) are never going to end!

12:16 PM - As JT sings of days that he thought would never end, Bruce comes up with "the offer that never ends" once again reminding us that Armando Benitez is in fact a tradable commodity. As a peace offering, The Commish offers him Jason Johnson and Brian offers him the injured Rick Reed. Both offers are quickly rejected and we settle in for some more JT… "… and I only hope that I see you one more time again …"

12:18 PM - We're almost there now as we hit the Walt Whitman Bridge and "Rainy Days & Mondays" by the Carpenters carries us across the span; "… hanging around, nothing to do but frown …" Or as Brian sang in his tribute to the anorexic Karen Carpenter, "…skin hanging around, not weighing a hundred pounds. Eating on a Monday always gets me down…"

12:19 PM - There's a $3 toll on the Intentional Walt Whitman Bridge? No wonder Walt can afford to make all these transactions in our league! Hey, at least it's cheaper than the Verrazano….

12:21 PM - Over the bridge and a couple of miles down and we're into South Philly as The Rain Mix spits out it's last song, "The Rainbow Connection" by everyone's favorite Muppet, Kermit The Frog! "… someday we'll find it …" Yes, someday we'll find parking, that is…

12:25 PM - Like lemmings, we follow the cars and the guys making minimum wage waving the orange cones to the nearest available parking lot. Actually it's not a lot at all, it's some kind of public park! Well where better to park a car than in a place called a "park"? Works for us…

12:28 PM - After paying our $8 parking fee (one dollar more than the Verrazano I might add!), we see a sign proclaiming the existence of the Swedish Museum at the other end of the park. Brian suggests we park close by and check out the ABBA exhibit after the game. The Commish asks if we can take in their newest exhibit, "The Swedish Chef: The Early Years". Bet you didn't know that the main Scandanavian cook on The Muppet Show and Emeril went to the same grade school, did you? See, The Commish knew there was a reason he felt compelled to put "The Rainbow Connection" at the end of The Rain Mix…

12:36 PM - We pack up our stadium-bound things (umbrellas, ponchos, pepper spray) and lock the car. Exiting the park on the corner of Broad Street and Pattison (or thereabouts). Ah there it is! Veterans Stadium in all it's round, generic, cookie cutter glory! We get Walt on the cell phone to tell him we're within sight of our meeting place at Gate A and he puts us on hold for a second as he's just finishing a Randy Johnson deal with some guy from Monmouth county who had to pull over at the Molly P after a White Castle stop. Bruce wants to know if he can get involved in the deal, thus making it a three-way? We say, "hey keep it down, we're in South Philly, people are strange here"…

… and that concludes this week's portion of the Road Trip Diary!

NEXT WEEK: Don't Miss Part Two of The Diary, an inning-by-inning account of the game itself!

COMMISH'S NOTE: In case you're thinking, "Hey man, the music on that Rain Mix CD sounds great", let me assure you that The Rain Mix is not just a literary device, it is an actual CD that I made. Just cued up the MP3's on Friday night and let the CD burner do it's thing while I went on my quest for "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix". If anyone wants a copy of The Rain Mix on CD, just send me your address and I'll be happy to send you one, just don't tell anyone from the RIAA...

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