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On the weekend of June 21st, the Brothers Legere and Bruce "B.S." Lerman traveled down to The City of Brotherly Love to meet up with Intentional Walt for a Phillies/Red Sox interleague game at The Vet. This is a diary of the event. Part One - "The Journey Down To Philly" appeared in this column last week. Click here to read it now. Part Two - "The Game, Inning-by-Inning" follows below… The following takes place between the hours of 1PM and 6PM on Saturday, June 21st, which is still NOT the day of the California Presidential primary (that was Season One of "24"). Events happen in real time. Tick, tick, tick, tick…
12:45 PM - 1:15 PM PRE-GAME Bruce, Brian and The Commish decide they're running late and are not going to hit The Swedish Museum (see last week's column for more details) until after the game, so they head across Broad Street to The Vet, waiting politely for the crossing guard, just like we all did in 2nd grade. A crossing guard? And traffic is actually stopping on signal? As Dice Clay once remarked, this wouldn't happen in New York! "I want to see him legless Joey…" So we get across Broad (the first broad we've been across other than our wives in some time I might add!), and head on up to the stadium crossing through the main players parking lot where we see a statue honoring those early 90's Phillie teams, actually it's just Lenny Dysktra's Mercedes wrapped around a telephone pole… Somewhere up there near Gate A, Intentional Walt awaits our arrival. Man, I hope we can find him, I tell you there are so many mustachioed Red Sox fans here, you'd think you're outside the Cask 'n' Flagon on Brookline Ave! We test the Red Sox fan mating call, bellowing out a few "NO-MAAH's" just to take the pulse of the situation. We're herded out of the crowd somewhere near Gate B, not our intended meeting place. However, not to panic, Bruce and Brian have kids in pre-school so they apply their kids' Hooked On Phonics lessons and we move one gate to our right (Gate A) finding Intentional Walt with the tickets! Doing his best Mike Damone from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" he hands us the tickets without accepting any money. Wow! Great deal! Thanks Walt! Now Brian's got like $21 extra to spend on lemonade… Into the bowels of Veterans Stadium we go. Actually we're sitting in the top deck but how often do you get to use the word "bowels" in a column without being really nasty? However, speaking of bowels, we've driven a long way since the last rest area and The Commish's dragonfruit energy drink is still kicking in so we search out the nearest "facilities"… And what kind of facilities are these? Following the sign marked "Men" (naturally) we enter the world of Fritz Lang's Metropolis! Sure there are urinals on the far wall and sinks on the other, but the whole room has this diagonal slope to it and there is tubing and piping everywhere, some of it blocking access to the very items we need most to access! For those of you having trouble conjuring up a visual, just think old Boston Garden, obstructed view seats… Some of us are lucky to get access to the middle urinals but in order to do his business, Brian has to do his best impression of a contortionist taking a leak. Remember; shake it more than twice and… Climbing back out of the gopher hole that is the men's room we queue up for cheese steaks. Brian heads off on his usual ballpark Quest For Lemonade, which he soon finds out is located two levels down on the field level. Off he goes, hey wait, don't forget your ticket, we'll meet you back at the seats… We gather up our concessions and head for the seats, Section 529, Row 4, Seats 7 through 10. Upper deck between 3rd and left field, great view of the entire fading green carpet! Brian arrives shortly thereafter, lemonade in hand, his Quest completed (although he did encounter some taunting French guy hanging over the mezzanine level, a killer rabbit near the loge boxes and two guys banging coconuts together on the escalator). Two quick sips and Brian gives Philadelphia's lemonade a "thumbs up!" rating. For those of you keeping score at home, here's the latest Brian Legere Ballpark Lemonade Ratings: Camden Yards (4 lemon rating) 
Veteran's Stadium (3 ½ lemons) 
Shea Stadium (3 lemons) 
Yankee Stadium (1 ½ lemons) 
Like most of the humor in this column, the cheesesteaks turn out to be a little dry and get only a "one bun" rating from Bruce and the rest of us agree. Definitely not Gino's or Pat's quality! The teams are finishing up their warm- ups and the game's about to begin, but not before The Phillie Phanatic (you know the big green anteater mascot guy?) shows up on the field riding his quad across the carpet and stopping in front of the Red Sox Kevin Millar, whom he taunts incessantly. Now as you all know, Brian and Walt have a small wager on whether or not Millar hits 25 homers this season (he's already got 12 as of this writing). With this in mind, Walt's shouting "leave him alone!" and Brian's shouting "break his arm!" Oh, it's going to be a fun game… 1:20 PM - Top of the 1st … and the home of the brave… Which I always thought was Atlanta, not Philadelphia, no? Oh well, PLAY BALL!!! While the starting pitcher, Randy Wolf, is warming up, Madonna's "Holiday" blasts out of the stadium speakers. Brian, never one to miss a cue, immediately breaks into his now infamous falsetto and sings his version, "Halladay", which if you haven't already repressed it, was part of Brian's Draft Day karaoke extravaganza… Randy Wolf's official cheering section, The Wolf Pack, is located about six or seven sections to our left. All the fans up there have got wolf masks on and they're doing a little choreographed dance to the Madonna music as well. Looks like a fun place to be… Hey everyone, before we start the game, a quick trade proposal! Everyone take their worst starting pitcher and pass him one seat to the right! Come on, it's just like playing the card game Hearts… Mamma Mia Hamm! Nomar gets Boston's first hit of the game, and there goes the no-hitter for Randy Wolf, a member of Brian Legere's Breaking Balls squad by the way. 1:28 PM - Bottom of the 1st "Leading off, for the Phillies, second baseman..." Hey, it's Placido Polanco!!! Must kill the queen… And is that Leslie Nielsen behind home plate calling balls and strikes? Jim Thome singles to right and there goes Pedro's no-hitter! Each team now has a hit, hey Bruce, call Houston, tell the Astros bullpen that they're safe for another day. Walt's cell phone rings… "Hello? Yes, this is Intentional Walt. No sorry, I've already traded Randy Johnson and no, I don't know where they keep the extra toilet paper at the Molly Pitcher Rest Area"… 1:35 PM - Top of the 2nd In between innings we see a public service announcement on the Jumbotron about not using foul language. No foul language? What are you f***ing talking about? This is Philadelphia! For crissakes, they booed Santa Claus here, didn't they? Kevin Millar leads off for the Red Sox and Brian immediately calls for a beaning! I inform him that if Wolf does hit Millar, then Wolf's WHIP will go up. Hmmm, Brian ponders this as Millar flies out. We all predict the final score. Walt's got Boston winning 2 - 1. Brian also suggests a 2 - 1 Red Sox win, although he throws in the rider that Jose Mesa will blow the save. Bruce likes the Phils, also by the same 2 - 1 score, and he adds to his prediction that Brandon Lyon will blow the save causing Boston to immediately trade for Armando Benitez! As for The Commish, he decides to be different and says Red Sox 25, Phillies 8. Should've waited a few weeks for the Marlins series before predicting that score, eh? Damian Jackson strikes out to end the inning, Brian's psyched as his pitcher gets a K and they're dancing in The Wolf Pack! 1:43 PM - Bottom of the 2nd We're filling out our All Star Ballots now. Hey Kevin, I'm voting for Joe Crede! Ha ha! Brian votes for all Tigers and Devil Rays. Walt's voting for the person with the worst stats at each position (hey he's got Crede also!) and Bruce is doing his best impression of a Dade County voter, trying to only punch out half of each circle, hoping that a few "hanging chads" will swing the vote in favor of some Mets getting into the game… Bobby Abreu takes Pedro deep to right! It is high! It is far! It is gone! A home run and the Phils take a 1 - 0 lead. Is David Bell really hitting only .204? Aren't the Phillies paying him something like 18 mil for three years? Let's do the math here. 18 divided by 3 is 6, making Bell the Six Million Dollar Man. Don't worry about the .204, we have the technology, we can rebuild him. 1:50 PM - Top of the 3rd Pedro's batting now and Brian immediately goes into this rant about National League baseball and why can't everyone use the DH? He makes some good points, I think we need to get Brian and Bob Costas together on Larry King Live one night for a debate on this topic! Pedro fouls off Wolf's second pitch. Check for cork! Pedro eventually works a groundout. No K for Wolf, Brian's pissed. Speaking of Randy Wolf, does everyone remember his story about encountering this good looking woman in the New York City subway while waiting for the 7 train to take him out to Shea? Turns out he never asked this woman her name and they took different trains to different destinations and now he's still trying to find her. Nice romantic story I guess but it's got one huge plot flaw. There are absolutely NO good looking women anywhere near the 7 train line. Trust me on this one, I've ridden to Shea plenty of times, and as John Rocker is my witness, I've seen rats with better looking bodies! Todd Walker hits a long fly to right, and it's gone! A home run and the Sox have tied the game up at 1 - 1. On the Jumbotron someone with a Yankee hat and shirt just caught the homer (OK, Brian's still sitting next to us), and he doesn't even throw it back! Fans boo incessantly, because of the Red Sox homer or the fact that a Yankee fan has been shown on the Jumbotron? Probably both I guess, anyone see Santa Claus or an injured Michael Irvin anywhere? 2:00 PM - Bottom of the 3rd Time for another PSA (public service announcement) on the Jumbotron! Hey is that Kevin Kelly? No, it's just John Kruk telling us not to drink and drive, or something like that. We don't hear the whole thing as we're distracted by a low flying Hitchcockian bird (not Marlon or Sterling, just plain old "bird" and Alfred) who's decided to go "Top Gun" on us and buzz the upper deck! Right into the Danger Zone… It's a quick inning, three up and three down, and we're still checking the section for any signs of bird damage… 2:07 PM - Top of the 4th Bill Mueller leads off the 4th for the Sox. Now how exactly do we pronounce this guy's name? Is it Miller, as in Barney? Or "Mule-er" as in "Francis The Talking Mule?" Or perhaps it's "Mole-er" as in that guy Mike who used to pitch for Detroit and Houston? Or is it "mool-yay", with a French accent? By the way, the award for the cheesiest ballpark item that triggers when a home run is hit is a virtual tie between this giant Liberty Bell they've got hanging here in center field that lights up when a Phillie hits a dinger and Shea Stadium's apple that rises from the depths of Hell after a Met hits a homer (equal, percentage-wise, to Hell freezing over, which is probably what triggers the apple to rise in the first place). Don't worry Milwaukee, Bernie Brewer's slide has absolutely no competition on the East Coast. 2:12 PM - Bottom of the 4th Lots of between-inning action on the Jumbotron here at The Vet. The "Who Am I?" feature turns out to be none other than former Phillie centerfielder Garry Maddox. Nice afro, Gary! Reminds me of that cartoon from the late 70's, "The Super Globetrotters". You all remember this? The Harlem Globetrotters were super hero crime fighting types who always defeated their foes by beating them in a basketball game, one in which they inevitably trailed at half time by like 70 points, yet always came back to win on a buzzer beater at the end. All the Trotters had super powers and one guy was named Afro Man. His power was the ability to pull anything the team needed out of his hair at any time. "Oh no a river! Hey Afro Man, we need a boat!". "No problem!", he'd proclaim, and then proceed to pull like a 17 foot yacht one out from behind his left ear… Great cartoons in that era, they just don't make them like that anymore… After much debate, Brian decides he wants to go up and party with The Wolf Pack (Randy Wolf's cheering section, it's not a gang, it's a club!). Bruce agrees to go with him partly out of curiosity and partly out of fear for Brian getting beat up for wearing his Jason Giambi shirt to the park! The boys head up to Section 739 as The Commish and Walt follow their progress with Walt's binoculars. 2:23 PM - Top of the 5th A quick inning, another 1-2-3 job, come on baby say you love me, 5-6-7 times! Sorry Gloria Estefan flashback there! Bruce and Brian are dancing and buying rounds up in the Wolf Pack. We'll find out later that Brian initially got some flack for entering the Pack area with a Yankee shirt on but he quickly won the crowd over by stating that (a) he's got Randy Wolf on his fantasy team, and (b) as a Yankee fan, he too, hates the Red Sox. Whew, quick Jack Bauer like thinking there, bro! 2:27 PM - Bottom of the 5th Not a lot of action here either, not one of the all time best 5th innings I've ever seen by any stretch of the imagination. My mind wanders to the ongoing NHL Draft, as I wonder how many times the New York Rangers have desperately tried to acquire a big salary veteran like Jaromir Jagr since they obviously have no freakin' idea what to do with young draft picks! Hey is that the sun peaking out? Oh no, my mistake, they just turned the lights on… 2:30 PM - Top of the 6th Todd Walker once again does The Ding Thing! His second homer of the game make's it 2 - 1 Sox! And as Chico Esquella would say, the fans in The Wolf Pack are feeling "very very sad"… In fact, through the binocs Bruce looks a bit nervous as perhaps he's wondering if the rabid Pack fans will blame this occurrence on the fact that there's a Yankee fan in their midst. I sure hope he's got that silver bullet we gave him before he left our seats! NO-MAAH singles followed by a Manny Ramirez pop up near the mound. Oh no, somebody keep Hee Seop Choi away from the ball! Kevin Millar doubles to left center, NO-MAAH to third and here comes Phillie pitching coach Joe Kerrigan out of the dugout… Uh, oh! Meeting on the mound. Lets listen in… Bill Mueller, Miller, Mule-er, Mole-er, Mool-yay gets an Intentional Walt, er walk, and the bases are juiced! Can you say Web Gem? "Hey It's" Placido Polanco makes a diving grab up the middle to start a 4-6-3 DP and the inning's over! Finally, some action in this game! 2:41 PM - Bottom of the 6th Bruce and Brian return from The Wolf Pack. They had a great time up there, they did a little dance, made a little love, got down tonight, you know, all the fun stuff. Actually, I'm glad they're back in good shape, Walt and I were kind of wondering if they'd donned any of the wolf masks and would they come back looking like Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf? 2:51 PM - Top of the 7th Randy Wolf gets to 0 - 2 on Damian Jackson who then proceeds to foul off the next 8 pitches straight back into the screen. Hey he kind of looks like me in the batting cages they've got at the local miniature golf range! Pedro grounds out to 2nd. He's now 0 for 3 but he hasn't K'ed and he's gotten good wood on the ball all three times he's been up. Again I plead, "check for cork!" Damon walks, Todd Walker's next (two homers in the game thus far). Once again, here comes Philly pitching coach Joe Kerrigan to the mound. What can they possibly be talking about? Let's listen in… Bases now juiced for Manny Ramirez! Are we looking at a possible Manny Granny? Pitching change! Wolf's out and here comes good old #99 himself, Turk Wendell. Manny pops up (he's now left about 112 men on base this game) and Turk's Turkeys go wild in section 737! No thank you, despite being a HUGE Turk Wendell fan when he was a Met, The Commish does not want to go party with his fan club! 3:11 PM - Bottom of the 7th Seventh inning stretch! "Take me out to the ball game…" "…Buy us some peanuts and crackerjack. Our wives are all home, we don't want to go back!.." Quick up on the Jumbotron, it's KissCam! Who's going to jail this time? All ex-cons please hide your faces! Hey, any girl-on-girl action out there in the loge level? And now they've got the camera trained on this young couple up in the outfield seats, and they refuse to kiss! So I guess a blow job's out of the question?… Pedro gets the first two batters quickly, then a walk to Bell (we hear the Lee Major's "do-do-do-do-do" sound as he walks to first), followed by a single by Ledee and it's time for Tomas "The Tank Engine" Perez to pinch hit. Pedro gets Tomas to strikeout on the high heat, inning over. Manny Ramirez stops to console a dejected Perez on his way in from left field… 3:20 PM - Top of the 8th The Phillie Phanatic is now on the dugout dancing with two young girls and shakin' his green belly and rump in hula hoop like fashion. Hey, Phanatic's got back! "I like green butts and I cannot lie, all the other mascots can't deny…" Rheal Cormier is now in the game for the Phils. Rheal is French for "really" and Cormier "en francais" means "mediocre middle reliever". We wonder where Cormier's fan club is located and as we scan the upper deck banners we can't seem to find it? Brian suggests we start one of our own and call it the "Get Rheal Club". We've got action in the Boston pen. Is that Rich Garces? No, he's been gone for like two seasons now, must be the funhouse like glass they've got installed in front of the bullpens! Come to think of it, I really miss El Guapo, or as Neil called him one draft "give me that fat guy who pitches for Boston"… It's finally begun to rain, break out The Rain Mix! Millar doubles to the gap in right center, Bill "Mool-yay" singles to right, taking second on the throw. Again, runners in scoring position and Manny Ramirez is not coming up, Sox have a chance to increase their lead! Varitek K's, Jackson takes a backwards K (caught looking) and pinch hitter David Ortiz also strikes out. Rally fizzled, Cormier strikes out the side, and somewhere in the upper deck his fans in the Get Rheal Club are going wild! "Be gone you silly New England pig-dogs or I shall be forced to taunt you a second time! I break wind in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries…" 3:35 PM - Bottom of the 8th Timlin's now in for the Sox and wait! Is this the sun? Yes indeed it is! "Sun, sun, sun, here it comes…" By the way, have I mentioned that the turf on this field looks more used than Pamela Anderson's? Just an observation… Placido Polanco strikes out (just as OJ comes bounding down the field level stairs in his wheelchair) and Brian dubs Placido an MFV. No, not an MVP, an M-F-V, which he explains stands for "Minimal Fantasy Value". With two outs and nobody on and the Sox leading 2 - 1, Jim Thome goes yard over the #36 Robin Roberts sign in right center to tie the game at 2 apiece! And it's Boston Bullpen Meltdown Time once again folks! Two simple questions here if I may? (a) Where is Alan Embree to pitch to the left handed Thome? and (b) Why does Thome get a pitch that's even remotely close to the plate to hit in this situation? I say screw Pedro's bat, let's have Grady Little's head checked for cork! Just for the record an utterly disgusted Intentional Walt has come up with this little factoid. There have been 4 runs in this game, scored on four solo homers, all by left-handed hitters. Things that make you go "Hmmmm"… 3:46 PM - Top of the 9th After a one out walk, it's double switch time (dosey-doe your partner!). Cormier out, Terry Adams in (they're creepy and they're kooky…) NO-MAAH singles, he's now 4-for-4 this game, hitting an even .333 for the season and about .567 since he was traded by Vandalay to High Hard One. The Sox threaten once again… But not to worry Phillies fans as Manny Ramirez hits into a 5-4-3 DP, stranding his 117th and 118th runners of the game and we go to the bottom of the ninth with the scored all tied up at two! 3:59 PM - Bottom of the 9th Many throws to first base by Mike Timlin to hold a runner on illicit quite a loud chorus of boos from the up-til-now knowledgeable Philadelphia fans. Sorry folks, this is how the game is played! Tie score, bottom of the ninth, somewhat fast runner on base, and as Kenny Rogers sings, you've got to know when to hold 'em… First and second, one out and we go to the bullpen. Timlin's out, Embree's in (and where praytell is Rich Garces?). One pitch to Ricky Ledee, the inning's over and we're going to extra innings on an overcast late afternoon in Philadelphia. OK, Grady Little's off the hook, now let's check Larry Bowa's brain for cork! Ledee's a left handed hitter who's playing in a strict lefty-righty platoon with Marlon Byrd, a right handed hitter, who's sitting collecting dust on the Phillie's bench! When the lefty Embree enters the game why isn't Byrd sent up to the plate to pinch hit for Ledee? If Ledee could hit lefties with any degree of confidence he wouldn't be in a strict platoon now would he? Hello, McFly! Anybody home? Who's managing this team exactly, Walter Matthau? Geez, why don't we just let Lupus or one of the Mexican twins pinch-hit? 4:18 PM - Top of the 10th I can't even begin to describe the idiotic moves that are being made here by Larry Bowa! I'm just strategically beside myself! Let me just say that we've got another freakin' double-switch and now Marlon Byrd is in the game! Geez, I hope Ledee's not too upset! Have I mentioned how annoying it is that everything here that's supposed to start with the letter "F", instead starts with the letters "PH"? Bruce was the first one to catch this, again the value of a good Hooked On Phonics education! For example, we've got the Phillie Phanatic, the Phillie Phestival and something called a Phan Phrenzy. What the phuck is going on with the marketing department? By the way, I think that dragonfruit drink is still in my system. Warning to those sitting next to me, I might have to phart… There must be something about extra innings that makes the brain work overtime. We're having a conversation about why it's been raining so much lately and one of the fans sitting behind us mentioned that it's got something to do with the Jet Stream being a lot lower than usual. OK, I can buy that, but why is the jet stream lower than usual? Are there a bunch of canadians up north in the Yukon Territories with some really large fans and they're blowing the Jet Stream back down at the U.S.? These are things I need to understand… 4:28 PM - Bottom of the 10th The warm-ups end with "Kickstart My Heart" by Motley Crue blaring over the PA. Jason Michaels works a lead-off walk then Placido "MFV" Polanco pops up a bunt attempt. As Brian said before, "minimal fantasy value". Yet another friggin' double switch as Sox "de facto closer" Brandon Lyon enters the game along with the ghost of Ted Williams. Lyon will bat in the 6th spot and Teddy Ballgame's mitochondria will bat 9th. Two batters later and Lyon can't handle a Marlon Byrd bunt and the bases are loaded for Bobby Abreu… Strike 3, Abreu strikes out in Manny Ramirez-like fashion with the bases juiced! Walt needs CPR. Somebody get "Kickstart My Heart" playing again! 4:49 PM - Top of the 11th The thousands of mustachioed Red Sox fans still in attendance get a "Let's Go Red Sox" chant going. To which Brian and I respond "Rangers Suck!" Oops, wrong sport! How IS that NHL Draft going by the way? All the Phillies fans have left in response to this "Let's Go Red Sox" chant is a loud chorus of "boos"! That's all you've got? This isn't Santa Claus, this is the enemy Red Sox Nation collectively disrespecting the hometown! If this was New York, we'd have some heads breakin' right about now! 4:46 PM - Bottom of the 11th Before the inning begins we're treated to a "Cheers" clip on the Jumbotron! Is the scoreboard operator really this stupid? Duh! Cheers is a BOSTON bar and you're playing the Red Sox! Hello, McFly! Cork check please… With one out David "Six Million Dollar Man" Bell doubles off the wall in left (and somewhere Lindsey Wagner is smiling!) It's now 4th and long for the Eagles so Nick Punto has grabbed a bat and come out of the dugout to pinch hit! Is this guy's last name really Punto? He's got to try out for the Eagles! Punto flies out to shallow center (Brian: "Absolutely NO fantasy value!"), Jason Michaels strikes out and we're going to the 12th… 5:14 PM - Top of the 12th "…Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down
Sorry, we're getting restless up here, singing Will Smith lyrics is definitely a sign of fatigue! Bruce & The Commish badly need a pick-me-up. Let's call down to the dugout for some ephedra! Unfortunately all the concession stands are closed and there's no caffeine to be had anywhere! Do these people realize how much money they're losing right now? Does the Dunkin' Donuts in South Philly deliver? Actually, Bryan Adams' "Summer of '69" is playing over the stadium PA. Now how old was Bryan Adams during the Summer of 1969? Could he actually have been old enough to do all those things? Buying a beat up six string at the five and dime? Standing on his momma's porch? Or maybe it's not 1969 he's singing about after all, eh? Sitting here waiting for warm-ups to finish and we all just realize that if some guy named Nick Punto just pinch hit then this could get real ugly, real quickly. Pitchers might start batting again soon! Quick, somebody get Brian mentally prepared for this! We're all real hungry right now, since with the exception of cheese steaks we haven't had anything to eat since last week's column. I say we just "go Selig" and call this one a tie… Gasoline prices have just gone up! Jose Mesa is in the game facing NO-MAAH to lead off the 12th. Single to left and now NO-MAAH's 5-for-5 today! Double barrel action in the Sox pen. It's Ryan Rupe and Jason Shiell warming up. Like we just said, this could get real ugly, real quickly. Bill Barney Miller hits a shot to left that goes right by Jason Michaels (we have a goat!), rolls to the wall, and NO-MAAH scores! Mesa gets out of the jam but the Sox take a 3 - 2 lead into the bottom of the 12th. Chicken parm here we come! 5:27 PM - Bottom of the 12th Jason Shiell in to close for the Sox. Of course, like we discussed in this diary last season, the word "close" has two meanings. First one is "close" as in "to finish". The second one is "close" as in "to make the two scores equal"… Yep, you guessed it. It's déjà vu all over again as Jim Thome hits a two-out, bases empty homer on a 3 - 2 pitch right in his wheelhouse! We're all tied again at 3. Ye gods! Will this game ever end? Why wasn't Thome walked there? I think Grady Little has just pulled even with Larry Bowa in the "really dumb, highly second guessable strategic moves" department. Can we just stop playing ball and have these two managers meet in shallow center for a game of Risk to decide the game? Geez! Bruce has his defining moment of the day, going Dennis Miller and ranting at anyone who'll listen: 5:38 PM - Top of the 13th "Day turns into night, and night turns back to day, days turn to weeks, weeks beget years. Seasons come and go but one thing remains stable, the Red Sox and Phillies play on into the twilight…" Did I mention how much my ass hurts right now from sitting in this seat for the past 4 and one half hours? Never mind that… Johnny Damon singles then steals second, and just like Anthony Michael Hall in "Weird Science", the Red Sox have created life! Todd Walker doubles off the wall in left, over (yep guessed right again!) Jason Michaels' head. Damon scores and it's 4 - 3 Sox. Right now Jason Michaels is feeling about as good as that Smalls kid from "The Sandlot"! "You're killing me Smalls!" You know, if you look closely enough you can read the thought bubble above Jason's head; "Please don't hit it to me again, please! I don't want to go back to Scranton-Wilkes Barre, I really don't! The food sucks and there's no night life! Oh why couldn't they put Nick Punto out here instead of me?" NO-MAAH singles in Walker making it a 5 - 3 Sox lead and he's now 6-for-6 today, bringing his average up to somewhere near .918 since he was traded to my team. The rest of the lineup goes gently into thy sweet night… 5:56 PM - Bottom of the 13th OK, bottom of the 13th and we're ready to see the Sox hold this 2-run lead. Bruce can now see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's chicken parm! Jason Shiell's still in for Boston. It's now 6PM and I think my car just turned into a pumpkin! After a lead off walk to Abreu, David Bell doubles in a run and the lead has dwindled to a mere run. What the phuck is going on here with this bullpen? Is any lead safe? Shiell's coming out and here comes the latest victim, er Red Sox reliever, and it's Rudy Seanez. Rudy Seanez?! When did he get here? Last time we saw him wasn't he a reliever on those "we're really not the Buffalo Bills of baseball" Atlanta Brave teams? Oh well, Seanez it is I guess… Todd Pratt steps in to pinch hit for Philadelphia and we assume he's hitting for the pitcher but since there were like 14 double switches in the last four innings I have no idea where the pitcher's actually hitting anymore. Brian, I agree, National League baseball does suck! The first pitch to Pratt is high but the next pitch is promptly deposited by Pratt into the centerfield seats for a game winning, walk off, 2 run homer! The Phillies win 6 - 5, theeeeeeee Phillies win! An absolute stunner, no less than 7 runs scored in extra innings and 3 blown saves by the Red Sox bullpen. As they're fond of saying in New England, "a wicked pissah indeed!" Walt are you OK? Er, Walt? Can you hear me? How many fingers am I holding up? No, two not one. Hey, why are you sticking your middle finger at me? 6:15 PM - POST-GAME As the stadium empties out, some people, mostly mustachioed Red Sox fans, are sitting in stunned silence, unable to believe that they've driven almost 6 hours down I-95 to see the game end like this. For those fans still in attendance, we end the night (and this column) with a song courtesy of none other than Jim Kalach, The Piano (Mover) Man, who brings us a little ditty sung to the tune of Terry Cashman's "Talking Baseball". And a-one, and a-two… The Sox Song - Sung to the tune of Terry Cashman's "Talking Baseball"
A most excellent debut song parody Mr. Kalach! Please do come back now, you hear? So with our cultural plans ruined (The Swedish Museum closed in the Top of the 11th), our dinner plans ruined (not enough time to find some chicken parm and still get home at a reasonable hour), the hesitant confidence of Red Sox fans everywhere ruined (not to mention Rudy Seanez' career) we decide it's time to get back to New Jersey. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer, dead! LET'S DO IT!!!!! And on that note, we head for home. Past the line of jumpers wearing "B" baseball caps on the Walt Whitman Bridge and back over to I-95 North for our journey home from what, Red Sox fans' feelings aside (sorry Walt), may have been the best, most exciting baseball game I've ever seen in person! … and that concludes our Road Trip Diary!
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