Sorry for the delay this week everyone! Been on "production support" for work every night and for those of you who don't know what that is, you just basically sit around well past midnight watching programs run. Sounds like a lot of fun doesn't it? Almost as much fun as watching the Expos offense… Anyway, got some programs churning now and they won't be finishing for about an hour and a half so I'm going to try to sneak in a writing of this week's column, let's see how far I get…

I hope everyone's got their vocal chords tuned up because it looks like we're gonna be doing a whole lot of singing this week! Now we all know that the singer known as Meatloaf is a huge fantasy baseball fan, right? Well odds are he's got a certain troubled Yankees first-baseman on at least one of his 75 or so fantasy baseball teams so let's fire up the Commish's Office karaoke machine and sing along with Meatloaf to the tune of "Paradise By The Dashboard Light"…

I remember every little thing

As if it happened only yesterday
Jason Giambi
Got himself a stomach parasite
And also Kevin Brown
Who isn't looking any better than you kid
It really wasn't cool
To be near Jason or Kevin that night

All those little critters holding on real tight
Doesn't feel so good, doesn't feel quite right
First Giambi, then Kevin Brown, then Giambi's wife
C'mon! Hold on tight!
Sox fans, in delight!

Yes you're thin and tired and not feeling right
I can see parasites by the x-ray light

Ain't no doubt about it
Intestine in distress
He's hitting .217
And can't enough rest

Ain't no doubt about it
Docs can't find a way to out it
Ain't no doubt about it
And The Boss is stressed
Because of what's in your intestine
You can't play your best

Questioning his heart
Talkin' all about it on the radio
Mike and the Mad Dog
Taking callers on the F-A-N

But I'm gonna let you know
Jason's gonna make them regret it
Because for those two guys, he's got a big surprise
For on Friday night
He's going on the show with "the runs"!

All those little critters holding on real tight
Doesn't feel so good, doesn't feel quite right
First Giambi, then Kevin Brown, then Giambi's wife
Little bugs, hold on tight!
Yanks fans, in fright!

Yes you're thin and tired and not feeling right
I can see parasites by the x-ray light

So Jason do what you can
And let Tony Clark do the rest
Ain't no doubt about it
Intestine in distress
And you're hitting .217
You better get some rest

We're gonna go out and play tonight
We're gonna go out and play
And tonight's the night…

{and here's where Phil Rizzuto comes in doing play-by-play:

"OK here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here at the Stadium
Sox/Yanks, two down, nobody on, Yanks trail by one, bottom of the ninth…"

Then Kenny Lofton gets on base, steals second and third and get stranded as Giambi gets sent up to pinch-hit for Enrique Wilson and strikes out, stranding the winning run on 3rd base…}

JASON: Stop right there!
I gotta know right now!
Before we go any further…

How did I get this?
Is it with me forever?
Am I greedy?
Will it ever leave me?
Will I be this tired for the rest of my life?
And was it Kevin Brown, who infected my wife?

{sound of needle scratching as it lifts off the record}

… and then I'd finish the rest of the song but not tonight, maybe tomorrow? Let me sleep on it. Baby, baby let me sleep on it. Let me sleep on it, I'll give you my answer in the morning…

So how about all that great baseball last week? First the Yanks sweep the Sox, then the Mets sweep the Yanks! So now we apply that distributive property thing taught to me by Ms. Rifkin, one hottie of a grade school math teacher. If A is greater than B and B is greater than C, then it must follow that A (the Mets) is a far superior team than either B (the Yanks) or C (the Red Sox), no? Which would pretty much make the poor Red Sox fans the bottom of the distributive barrel, well at least for this week. A feeling actually that has been captured in song by none other than our very own Piano Man, Jim Kalach, who warns us about the perils of raising kids as fans of the team whose "Cowboy Up!" philosophy may eventually lead to a public lynching. Once again, let's sing along with Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings…

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys

Don't let 'em kick ground balls and wear gloves with holes
Make 'em be Yankees and D-Rays and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
They'll only hear jeers and always be alone
Only the home fans can show 'em some love
But Nomar ain't easy to love and he's harder to hold
And they'd rather give you heartbreak than rings of gold
Nightmarish road trips, old faded mitts, each night begins a new day
And if they start strong in April don't they die young
They'll probably just fade away

What else is going on? Yes, there was that Derek Jeter catch and tumble (Crash! Ahh-ahh! Master of The Universe!) and the annual running of the Bulls in Pamplona (and I hear Greg Luzinski speared a few foreigners before he hit the arena!). Two really huge things died this past week (Gagne's save streak and Marlon Brando), and of course my favorite, the firing of Bob Brenley as the Arizona D'Backs manager. You might recall, it was Mr. Brenley's team that cost The Commish a few hundred large on his last trip to Vegas when they couldn't stop a Giants winning streak and went O-for the week I was in Vegas betting multiple team parlays. Sorry Bobby, only good tasting tunas get to be Starkist…

And finally, before I leave you for another week a reminder that Tuesday is the All-Star Game and you all know what that means, don't you? Yes, Dump Day has arrived! That's the day when you can begin making the first of your 15 allotted performance transactions, replacing players who aren't injured and just plain suck with all those juicy free agent choices out there!

So give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free! Your backup catcher, your 5th outfielder, Termel Sledge and Sidney Ponson! Just be sure to also send me many backup choices as most everyone will be going for the same free agents and we can't all become the proud owners of Wily Mo Pena, Tony Graffanino and Shawn Estes! As usual, the "lowest team in the standings rule" applies (regardless of whether you're making an injury or performance transaction) and be sure specify your selection order when making multiple choices.

The price to pay for all this freedom? Why it's quite a bargain! Just $2 per non-injury transaction; as opposed to the normal $1 fee. A small price to pay to rectify those Draft Day mistakes you've been living with for the past 3 plus months. For a complete recap of the rules, please see the league rules page, "Section XII - Performance Transactions"…

Also please note that since the All Star Game is being played on a Tuesday and there are no games on Monday or Wednesday, I will be expanding the transaction deadline and doing next week's stats on Wednesday, July 14th instead of the usual Monday (the 12th). This should give you all more time to scour your roster and the free agent lists get those 2nd half "Dump Day" choices in to me. So let's call it an 8PM cutoff on Wednesday the 14th to get the moves into me. And this is a FIRM date, due to the very complex nature of dishing out all these choices and the fact that since everyone's lists will be quite similar so that one missed move could domino into a four or five team bumping, I WILL NOT BE ACCEPTING ANY MOVES THAT COME IN TO ME LATER THAN 8PM ON WEDNESDAY REGARDLESS OF EXCUSE. Sorry for doing the ALL CAPS AND BOLD thing there, I just had to get my point across. The extra two days gives you plenty of time to get the moves in. Feel free to send me those Dump Day moves earlier (right after you read this if you so desire) just remember that those who are late do not get fruit cup!

And yes, to answer your final question, stats for all moves made next week will begin IMMEDIATELY following the All Star break. That is, any moves made this week will take effect on Thursday, July 15th. So rejoice and be glad, for the kingdom of the 1st division is in your hands! Well maybe not the whole kingdom but at least Eugene Kingsale. This is the last week you'll have to live with some of these deadbeats on your roster…

If anyone has any questions about Dump Day, or maybe even a question about all those lyrics up above, you all know where to find me, don't hesitate to contact me. Otherwise, everyone enjoy the All Star Game this week, I'm personally hope for a Roger Clemens, 1 and a third, 8 ER shellacking. That's one thing fans of Teams A, B and C can agree on, we all hate Roger! 'til next week…

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