First let's take care of some league business, then it's on to the funny stuff… Tuesday, July 12th is the All-Star Game and you all know what that means, don't you? Yes, Dump Day has arrived! That's the day when you can begin making the first of your 15 allotted performance transactions, replacing players who aren't injured and just plain suck with all those juicy free agent choices out there!

So as the big green lady in the harbor says, give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free! Your backup catcher, your 5th outfielder, Laynce Nix and Al Leiter! Just be sure to also send me many backup choices as most everyone will be going for the same free agents and we can't all become the proud owners of Ruben Gotay, Xavier Nady and Gil Meche! Man, is it really that bad out there? Better get some more chlorine for the free agent pool! As usual, the "lowest team in the standings rule" applies (regardless of whether you're making an injury or performance transaction) and be sure specify your selection pecking order when replacing multiple players.

The price to pay for all this freedom? Why it's quite a bargain! Just $2 per non-injury transaction; as opposed to the normal $1 fee. Sure they cost a little extra (one dollar more), and yes, you only get 15 of these "performance" transactions to use for the rest of the season. But how much is it worth to you to get those bums off your roster and replace them with a fresh set of bums from the free agent list? A small price to pay to rectify those Draft Day mistakes you've been living with for the past 3 plus months. For a complete recap of the rules, please see the league rules page, "Section XII - Performance Transactions"…

Also please note that since the All Star Game is being played on a Tuesday and there are no games on Monday or Wednesday, I will be expanding the transaction deadline and doing next week's stats on Wednesday, July 13th instead of the usual Monday (the 11th). This should give you all more time to scour your roster and the free agent lists to get those 2nd half "Dump Day" choices in to me. So let's call it an 8PM cutoff on Wednesday the 13th to get the moves into me. And this is a FIRM date and time! Due to the very complex nature of dishing out all these choices and the fact that everyone's lists will be quite similar and one missed or late arriving move could domino into a four or five team bumping, I WILL NOT BE ACCEPTING ANY MOVES THAT COME IN TO ME LATER THAN 8PM ON WEDNESDAY REGARDLESS OF EXCUSE. Sorry for doing the ALL CAPS AND BOLD thing there, I just had to get my point across. The extra two days gives you plenty of time to get the moves in. Feel free to send me those Dump Day moves earlier (right after you read this if you so desire) and remember that those who are late do not get fruit cup!

And yes, to answer your final question, stats for all moves made next week will begin IMMEDIATELY following the All Star break. That is, any moves made this week will take effect on Thursday, July 14th. So rejoice and be glad, for the kingdom of the 1st division is in your hands! Well maybe not the whole kingdom but you could be king for a day, or at least own St. Louis reliever Ray King. This is the last week you'll have to live with some of these deadbeats on your roster. And I'm sorry, it's only players we're dumping here, not co-owners. Those deadbeats remain yours until the season's over…

So to recap, that's no stats next Monday, All Star Game on Tuesday, Dump Day and stats on Wednesday night, non-injury transactions are $2, plenty of backup choices, no preference given to injury moves versus non-injury dumps other than standings position and everything's effective when the games begin again on Thursday. Any questions? You all know where to find me…

Now in very Clue-like fashion I start our next topic of conversation off with this. Ex-league owner Ian Morris, with the Blackberry communications device, at Safeco field. What exactly am I talking about? No there was no murder in the Pacific Northwest, why it's time for Great Moments In Yiddish Baseball History, that's what. So I'm online browsing the other night when "I've Got Mail" and it's a message from our good old friend Ian, who's watching the Mariners play the Rangers, when he experienced a moment that even Shawn Green could be proud of and he just had to share! For you see, at that very moment that Ian was two-thumbing me a message on his Blackberry, we had a Putz (Seattle's J.J.) pitching to a Mench (the Rangers Kevin)! Oy! Two nice boys who could've been doctors! And what are they doing instead? Playing baseball, a game better left to the gentiles (or at least Jim Gentile). But the fun doesn't end there folks, as I related this story to Intentional Walt, who then informed me that there is a baseball writer for the Baltimore Sun newspaper who goes by the name Peter Schmuck. And with a name like Schmuck, er, it has to be good, eh? So what's next? Maybe the Judaic double play combination of Schlmiel and Schlep? Or should that be Schlmiel and Schlemozzle? I don't know! Third base! Yeah we need one of those too don't we? Take it away Laverne and Shirley, 5,6,7,8…

In music news, I hear rumors that country superstar Kenny Rogers is going to remake Paul Simon's "Please Don't Take My Kodachrome Away". Or was that the Texas Rangers pitcher? Looks like our boy Kenny has graduated "cum laude" from the Paul O'Neill School of Dugout Destruction and is now enrolled in some post-graduate coursework at the Sean Penn School of Abusing Paparazzi. And speaking of coursework, can someone tell me exactly what in the name of Bret Boone does it mean when a player is "designated for assignment"? Does that mean that if the team fails to trade Boone in the next 10 days then they can give him an actual assignment to complete? Like maybe something easy like; "read Chapter 12 of Jim Caple's book The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty and be prepared to discuss in class"? Or something more scholarly like "complete all of the exercises on pages 23 and 24 of your algebra text"? Odd numbered answers are in the back of the book, but don't cheat! Or if they're really looking for a quick, cheap way to get rid of him perhaps a more sinister assignment like "throw the One Ring back into the fires of Mount Doom"? Hey, you've got to admit, Boone's short enough to be a Hobbit, no?

Wrapping up this column, from league weatherman Doug Quat (it's a-rainin' and the Chatahootchie's a-floodin'), comes this report out of the Caribbean. "…the second storm became Tropical Storm Dennis as it developed wind of 40 mph. The minimum for a tropical storm is 39 mph…" Or as Doug put it: "That's almost as fast as Carl Pavano's fastball." Yes folks, I'm afraid it's raining Rats and dogs as 1-800-ROID-RATS owner Dennis Milewski is riding out the storm after losing Carl Pavano and 8 ˝ points in the standings in the same week. Now there aren't any trade winds blowing around in Tropical Storm Dennis are there? Because a quick look at the league transaction wire reveals a deal by M.I.A.'s Boyce Bing which leaves Mr. Ratsui as the only owner yet to make any kind of deal this season. Hey if you're not going to make a deal, at least tease us a little and give Carl Pavano a really hard assignment before you put him on your Reserve List…

That's about all I've got time for this week, see you all a little later next week with all the Dump Day details! Enjoy the All Star Game, the Futures Game, the Home Run Derby and the Tom Cruise Celebrity Scientology Softball Game! 'til next week (and a few days)…

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