OK folks, in case you missed it last week, welcome to the 2nd half of the season! Lot's of post-All Star Break happenings so let's get right to it shall we? Breaking things down one division at a time…

AL East - Quick, can someone tell me who Marsonek, Halsey and Graman are? No it's not that personal injury law firm you see advertised on cable television, it's looking more and more like these three guys are going to be the Yankee playoff pitching rotation! With Mussina on the DL and Kevin Brown (physically) and Jose Contreras (mentally) still not at 100%, even die-hard Yankee fans have to admit that this current Yankee staff is making you long for the days of LaTroy Hawkins and Dave Lapoint, isn't it? But anyway, speaking of personal injury firms, might I ask my Connecticut boys how Mark E. Salamone is doing?… Can somebody please tell the Red Sox David Ortiz that it's not nice to throw bats on the field, especially when you might injure a well deserving umpire! OK, Mama Ortiz, this one's for you; "that's not right, throwing bats on the field like that, you can poke somebody's eye out!"… They still play baseball up in Toronto don't they? OK, quick and without looking, name three members of the Blue Jays infield! Danny Ainge, Damaso Garcia, and one of the Iorg brothers (Party on Dane, Party on Garth!) OK, close enough…

NL Central - Nobody said we were going in any particular order did they? OK, then, let's hit the NL central next! And who's hotter than the St. Louis Cardinals right now? OK, maybe Dale Earnhardt Jr, he's on fire, no really, I mean he's literally on fire! Did you see those highlights from LeMans on Sportscenter? Either Dale Junior's trying out for the part of The Human Torch in the upcoming Fantastic Four movie or he's trying to impress Jim Carey with a Fire Marshall Bill impression (Hello kids!), but either way, pretty scary stuff! Please keep Scott Rolen away from the lighter fluid and matches… Speaking of getting lit up, let's talk about Roger Clemens, or Southern California, as both got torched pretty bad last week. I was watching TV Land last night and would you believe that on an old episode of What's Happening I saw The Rocket and Gary Sheffield down at Rob's Diner sharing a soda water? Didn't think so, you had the same reaction to that as that dude Dwayne Nelson did on the show when he walked in; "NUH-HUH!"… I read that Michael Jackson's going to have four new children by some surrogate mom! So what does this have to do with the NL Central? Well that's simple, we've got an opportunity for a Milwaukee Brewers tie in here (no Wendy Selig-Prieb isn't carrying these kids) but The King of Pop's first two boys are named Prince Michael (I and II). And from what I'm hearing he's already got four more names picked out if all four of these children are boys: Prince Tayshaun, Prince Fielder (and there's the tie-in!), Prince Albert, and of course The Child Formerly Known as Prince…

NL East - Next up the NL East, where the race is tighter than an Anna Nicole Smith bustiere! Fred, did I spell that right? Which way does the accent go, aigu or grave? Anyway, with the Phils, Braves, Mets and Marlins all within 3 games of the lead, I think this race is gonna be decided by what the so-called experts call "the intangibles"! And in this case, let me let you in on a little Top Secret analysis I've been doing as a Mets fan. After crunching all the numbers and charts, I've uncovered the fact that the team with the best (and possibly oldest) Franco is going to win the NL East! Yes folks, you've heard it here first in The Commish's column. Now if this holds true to form, the Mets and Braves are sitting pretty with John Franco and Julio Franco in their lineups and should be considered the favorites. But don't count the other teams out as both the Phillies and the Marlins have their eyes on "Franco's" of their own. The Phils are said to be courting former Spain rebel leader Generalissimo Francisco Franco (he's a lefty isn't he?) and the Marlins have just signed Franco American Chef Boyardee, who Moneyball be damned, can really fly on the base paths despite all the carb-loading…

AL Central - Nice job by the Indians hanging in here in this race, only about 5 games or so back despite the fact that they're like a 24-hour Wal-Mart. A 24-hor Wal Mart? How do you mean? Simple, "no closer"… With Frank Thomas out for probably the rest of the season with some kind of big hurt, the White Sox have reacquired Carl Everett once again. Between all the trades coming and going for Carl in his multiple stints on the Chisox I think about 35 different minor leaguers have been involved on either side of a Carl Everett deal! As a matter of fact if you link all these players in a chain, one by one based on who's played with who, I think you can get from Carl Everett to Kevin Bacon in less that six steps. "Kevin Costner appeared in Field of Dreams with Moonlight Graham, who was traded to the Expos…"

AL West - Quick word association game here. Oakland A's? How can they call it Moneyball if they leave out the money part?… Texas Rangers? As in "Walker, Texas Rangers"? Not a chance if those free swinging youngsters keep ignoring the strike zone their founding fathers worked so hard to establish… Seattle Mariners? Even trading John Olerud for Martha Stewart wouldn't help these guys now… Anaheim Angels? Who's bigger, Bartolo Colon or Mama Cass? Never mind, let's just call it a nice use of the literary device known as "foreshadowing" and save the lead singer of the Mamas and the Papas for a better reference in the next paragraph…

NL West - And of course, the biggest story of the 2nd half is going to be "Where will Randy Johnson get traded?". Early rumors had him going to the Red Sox in a three-way with Nomar going to the Cubs. A three-way with Nomar? Only way that's happening is if Mia Hamm's involved! And of course, that would be a "Hamm Sandwich", wouldn't it? And speaking of ham sandwiches (and late season choking), let me just invoke the memory of Mama Cass and say "fat chance" this trade happens! But whether or not the Big Unit gets traded, there will definitely be at least one starting pitcher traded by July 31st and the "2AM at the singles bar" candidate of choice is looking more and more like the Pirates Kris Benson. Yes folks, every GM of a team that needs starting pitching is going to be putting on the old beer goggles and the mediocre Benson is going to start looking like a Penthouse Pet. Let's just hope us Mets fans don't go to bed and wake up on August 1st sleeping next to Kris Benson. Or at least let's hope that if we do he doesn't stay for coffee, OK maybe just one cup. All I've got to say to Dan Duquette on July 31st is "stay focused and make sure you bring your wing-man!"…

That's all folks! Good luck in the 2nd half… 'til next week…

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