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OK, The Commish is back, sorry for the delay in getting this week's column out. Before we get into Part 2 of The Legere Brothers All Baseball Weekend, let me present to you a brief piece written by The Piano Man, Jim Kalach, who had the pleasure of taking his son P.J. to Yankee Stadium for the first time this past Saturday. For young P.J., it was his first time experiencing the Yankees-Sox rivalry in person. How did it turn out? Let's hear it from Jim… A pilgrimage was made this past Saturday. Jim "The Piano Man" Kalach took his son P.J. to his first Yankee game, a contest against the reviled Boston Red Sox. After a quick tour of Monument Park and a $50 lunch of the finest dogs, soft pretzels and slushies money can buy, we got to our seats. We were lucky enough to be surrounded by Red Sox fans, who were only too eager to point out the finer points of the English language to young P.J. Luckily their accent was thick enough to render most of their expletives incomprehensible. It was with mixed emotions that we watched "Piano Mover" Trot Nixon hit a two doubles and drive in three runs. "Trot's a wicked pissah!" shouted one of our new Boston friends. A pisser, indeed. But "Piano Mover" Steve Karsay kept the Bombers in the game long enough to get the winning run in the 12th. On the way home, I told P.J. about his dad's first trip to Yankee Stadium - also a Red Sox game. It was a game where Jim Rice did battle with the sun in left and was hit by a fly ball, and Chris Chambliss won the game in the bottom of the 9th with a two-run homer. "Was Chris Chambliss a wicked pisser?" P.J. asked. "He certainly was." Ah, nothing finer than a story about a father passing along baseball lore to his son! Generation to generation these stories are told, and let me tell you, they are all "wicked pissahs" indeed! Thanks Jim for the contribution to this week's column! And now we move on to a continuation of last week's column, the second-part of the Legere Brothers All Baseball Weekend, their trip to Shea Stadium on Sunday, July 14th to see the Mets battle the Phillies. For those of you who may have missed it, or would like to read it again, click here to read last week's diary of their trip to Camden Yards with Intentional Walt.
Sunday, July 14th 9:09 AM - Beep! Beep! Beep! Hmmm, 9:09? If I hit the snooze button again, I get 9 more minutes of sleep, let's see, 9:09 plus 9 minutes is 9:17, no wait make that 9:28, no hold on… Oh, never mind, I'm awake! Nothing like complex arithmetic to shake off a short night's sleep. And that folks, is the answer to the question, "Why does the snooze button only give you 9 more minutes of sleep instead of 10". If it gave you 10 minutes instead of 9, the math's way too easy and you could figure out "time plus ten" and be back to sleep again in seconds. Instead you've got to do battle with the Plus Nines and unless you're Stephen Hawking or the guy from A Beautiful Mind, face it, you ain't ever getting back to sleep. 10:39 AM - No Saenz, er make that signs, of dead animals anywhere and we're on the road on our way to Shea. 11:10 AM - Arriving in Hoboken, where we're going to park the car and take the subway across the Hudson and over to Shea Stadium. Way too much driving on Saturday, got to give the body a rest. While walking to the PATH Station we pass Oddfellow's Rest, the Cajun restaurant that's the site of the Slap Shot Fantasy Hockey League Draft each season and the home of The Big Easy Burger, the best damn hamburger you're ever going to get. We're talking ¾ of a pound of beef, grilled as you like it, with Cajun spices and cheddar cheese served on a mutant English Muffin with a side of waffle fries. Mmmm, so good! See you guys in late September… 11:20 AM - On the PATH train crossing under the Hudson River on our way to 33rd Street in New Yawk City. By the way, the acronym PATH stands for something like Port Authority Trans Hudson. But I'm thinking it should stand for Packed And Thoroughly Hostile. The train's pretty empty now but you've got to see this car during the weekday Rush Hour. We're talking "illegal Chinese immigrants packed into a boat floating off the shore of Brooklyn" tight! We're talking "how many college students can you get into a phone booth" tight! We're talking "the space between Dolly Parton's…", er you get the picture… 11:33 AM - Arrive at 33rd Street and we move above ground in search of lunch. Being the alpha males that we are, we're thinking about doing a little hunting and gathering, but then we spot a Roy Rogers across the street and decide we're feeling very "Wade Boggs" today so we go in and order chicken. We pass on the dessert since they were all out of Margo. 12:05 PM - Taking the "N" train to 42nd Street to catch the now infamous "7" train out to Shea. 12:14 PM - We're on the "7" train. Not sure what John Rocker's problem was. This ride isn't so bad. 12:32 PM - Stopping at one of the local stops in the heart of Queens, the doors open and in walks The John Rocker's Worst Nightmare Roosevelt Avenue Electrical Parade. There's the queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids… I turn to look out the window to confirm my final suspicion and sure enough, what do you know? It looks like we're in Beirut. Mr. Rocker please accept my sincerest apologies… 12:45 PM - We arrive at Shea, on time. For we know, those that are late do not get fruit cup! 12:53 PM - Entering the gate by way of the "hassle free, no bag" express line. Which is also known as the "just a quick frisk, but not in a sexual way, no weapons or explosives but hard drugs are allowed because we know you're a Mets fan and you suffer so" express line. We now find out it's Roberto Alomar Bobblehead Doll Day and no matter how much The Commish tries to convince the usher he's under 14, there's no way he's getting his hands on one of those. To hell with the fruit cup, more like those who are early but too old do not get bobble head dolls! Note to The Commish. Shave the goatee next time it's a giveaway day at Shea. 1:05 PM - In our seats (Section 21, Row E, Seats 18 & 19, down the right field line just past first base in the mezzanine) in time for the ceremonial first pitch. And let Baltimore be aware, here in New York, there is only one "first" pitch. And for some strange reason Mr. Met doesn't feel inclined to do a pre-game dance on the pitcher's mound as "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" blares throughout the stadium. Wonder why that is? It also occurs to us at this time that yesterday at Camden Yards we also sat in Row E, Seats 18 & 19. Hmmm… I look around but neither Rod Serling nor the ghosts of any dead relatives are to be found. However, there is a kid wearing a Mo Vaughn shirt a few rows up in Section 23 who looks a lot like Haley Joel Osment. "I see dead offenses!" 1:20 PM - After an "Oh"-free National Anthem and a quick top of the first for Pedro Astacio, Brandon Duckworth takes the mound for the Phillies, making his Lord Of The Swings debut. He'll later on end the day with a line of 6 IP, 4 ER and only 3 K's. Hey Walt, any chance I can get Zito back? I'll take the teddy bears too. 2:08 PM - Bottom of the 3rd and Pedro Astacio strikes out swinging as Brian immediately launches into his "Why do they make us watch the pitcher bat in the National League" rant. Dennis Miller, watch out! For those of you who don't know, Brian feels very, very strongly about the postive impact the DH has on the game of baseball! The Commish is looking helplessly for the nearest lemonade vendor! 2:15 PM - Two things we're not going to hear in the same sentence while watching the highlights of this game on Baseball Tonight. "Rey Ordonez" and "web gem"… 2:23 PM - A pigeon lands in the rafters above our seats, putting the entire section on "poop alert" for the next couple of half innings until the bird decides to fly away. Has this ever happened to you? I think I now know what it feels like to be held hostage during a bank robbery! Being the savvy partial season tickets holder that we are, everyone in our section assigns themselves a number and we take turns watching the pigeon while the rest of us try to enjoy the game, living in the constant fear that any moment now, if the look out isn't vigilant, you may get that York Peppermint Patty-like sensation of cool pigeon poop running down your hair. The bald guys are pretty much catatonic right now. 2:37 PM - Sitting here wondering whether or not Bobby Valentine still pulls out the Groucho Marx fake nose and glasses in the dugout once and awhile and wears them for a half inning or so in a feeble attempt at making some Sex In The City type fashion statement? Groucho Marx, eh? "Say the secret word and win a prize!" Well Bobby, the secret word for today is "resign". That's "resign" as in "quit", not "resign" as in "to sign again". Does this happen often in the English language? Same word, same spelling, totally opposite meanings? What do they call that? It's not a homonym is it? Uh-oh! Mike Piazza's in the house, I better watch what I say. Well, we know it ends in "nym" anyway. Apologies to Mrs. Kennedy, who taught both Legere brothers in 4th grade English, for failing to come up with this term. 2:58 PM - The bird has flown away! We repeat. The pigeon has left the building! And there was much rejoicing. On a side note here, although there was much rejoicing, the fans were not forced to eat Robin's minstrel. They noshed on knishes and nachos instead. 3:04 PM - Mets pitching coach Charlie Hough comes out to the mound to make a pitching change. Exactly how old is this guy? We're thinking Charlie and Methuselah are probably old Pinochle partners but we could be mistaken? Or as George Carlin says, "my grandfather's 83 and we don't let him anywhere near the remote control". And can someone please explain to me how a knuckleball pitcher gets to be a pitching coach? Isn't this the same thing as making an alcoholic a bartender? Or turning a drug addict into the local pharmacist? Or making Shooter the interim head basketball coach at Hickory High? There's something definitely wrong here and we want answers! 3:25 PM - The random gambling begins! Where's Ray Boyce when you need him? The six guys sitting in front of us (no women, just guys, this is definitely not Camden Yards on a Saturday night!) are playing this game where they each put in a dollar and try to guess what the next guy up to bat is going to do. Before the first pitch of each at-bat is thrown they're shoving money at the guy in the middle and shouting out things like "ground out to second", "single to left" and "strikeout looking". It's Mo Vaughn at the plate now in the bottom of the 8th with Roberto Alomar (the human not the bobble head doll) on first in a close game so Brian leans in, hands them a George Washington and proudly declares "two run homer to right", they look at him like he's from Baltimore but they take his money anyway. As fate would have it, Alomar attempts to steal second and is called out when Mo's swing interferes with Mike Lieberthal's throw. Since no one had "caught stealing, batter's interference" in the pool (I'll go off the board and take Ed Ambrister for 50, Jack.), the money carries over to the next inning even though some of the guys argue in favor of "double or nothing" on the "does the ball roll off the mound when the innings over" game. Ray can you please explain all of this to us next time we get together? 3:37 PM - Brian looks up at the out of town scoreboard and after a quick calculation determines that the two pitchers he had going for his fantasy team today, Seattle's Freddy Garcia and Cleveland's Chuck Finley have combined to give up 13 earned runs in 7 and two-thirds! He's now reconsidering the trade for Shawn Estes that he nixed on Saturday. Can we get Joe on speed dial please? Now if Brian had just drafted National League pitchers, you know the league where we have to watch the pitchers bat, thus keeping down run production and preventing high scores… Meanwhile, The Commish is wondering if he can get the guys in Row D to play that "What Number Am I Thinking Of?" game from the Chevy Chase movie "Las Vegas Vacation"… 3:41 PM - Bottom of the ninth and here comes Mets closer Armando Benitez! Somebody please pass the Mylanta and the Wild Turkey! Armando proceeds to load the bases with two outs. Oh where have you gone Doug Sisk? You know this reminds me of another one of those "nym" things. You remember, the two words with the same spelling yet totally opposite meanings that we talked about a little over an hour ago? This time it's the word "closer". As in "relief pitcher who comes in and finishes the game". However, also appropriate in this situation is "closer", as in "to bring the scores of the two teams nearer to each other". Funny how the English language works sometimes, isn't it? 3:42 PM - Did we mention that the guys sitting in front of us are still playing this "put in a dollar every batter" game? Only now the game is that whenever a runner reaches first base safely (Yes, fielder's choices count. I asked. These guys are definitely pros) all the money gets passed to the guy next to you and whoever's holding the money when the game ends gets it all! Needless to say, Armando's making this a very fun game to play and Section 21, Row D, Seats 14 through 19 in the mezzanine is turning into a high stakes Atlantic City craps table as Armando loads them up and money keeps passing to the right! Hey stick man, give me a hard eight and a high low yo! 3:44 PM - Strike three! The Met's win! Theeeeeee Mets win!!!!!!!! For those of you keeping score at home, it's a 4 - 2 Mets victory and the guy in Row D, Seat 18 is going home $36 richer than he was in the bottom of the eighth! 4:01 PM - Waiting at the subway platform at Shea to begin the long journey home. What a weekend! Too bad we'll probably never get the permission from our wives to do it again. Note to selves, stop at the Short Hills Mall on the way home and pick up the latest jewelry catalog from Tiffany… That's the trip! Hope you all had as much fun reading about it as we did writing about it! 'til next week…
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