"No, my first name ain't baby! It's Janet, Ms. Jackson if you're nasty!"… Er, excuse me… By the way, I hear that Brian Cashman's not satisfied with having only two former Mets closers in his pen and he's seriously considering making a run at Doug Sisk, Neil Allen and Tug McGraw… Staying with the Reds for awhile, we've had some more recent nastiness from the Great American Ballpark. First, Ken Griffey injures himself and is once again lost for the season. Gee Ken, aren't you glad you decided to play close to home? Although I guess sitting at home in a recliner while you're in traction does beat some plain old hospital bed in an unfamiliar city, doesn't it? And then as if that wasn't enough, the Reds go out and fire both their manager and their general manager (Mets brass take note, see you really CAN fire both guys at once and save yourself some trouble later on…). So Bob Boone and Jim Bowden are out, temporarily replaced by Pat Boone and Bobby Bowden. When asked why they'd replace baseball people with a crooner and a college football coach, Reds upper management responded, "it's just for continuity's sake you see, we wouldn't want to confuse our fans too much. They've got a lot on their minds lately, with ESPN airing "Pete Rose On Trial" ("if there's no betting slip, you must acquit"), Ken Griffey out for the season again and having to constantly look over their shoulders in case Marge Schott returns!"…

Segueing from a Marge Schott return to the latest in conspiracy theories, I'm reading about accusations regarding certain Minnesota Twins' employees who would manipulate the Metrodome's ventilation systems so that the fans would blow air "out" when the Twinkies batted and "in" during their opponents half of the inning. No! Say it ain't so, Carl Pohlad! Now I don't want to go off on a rant here but it's not like we haven't already got enough excuses for the recent long ball explosion! Now we've got to add air flow tampering to a list that already includes juiced up baseballs, corked bats, ephedra, diluted pitching due to expansion, smaller ballparks, Questec, Hillary Clinton's book and George Bush's desire for global domination. You know, if they had air conditioning back in Babe Ruth's day maybe Barry Bonds isn't running his mouth off so much right now. And might I also add that back in the Babe's day Iraq wasn't a country yet, things were quiet in Liberia and that damn piano was sitting well above the water level in somebody's family room…

Moving on to sadder news, we at The Commish's Office would like to bid a fond adieu to Bob Hope, who died this week at the age of 100. Bob Hope, you were a true Desert Classic. And you know it's a shame that Hope died so suddenly as I hear he was scheduled to DH for the Saint Paul Saints later in the month in order to break Minnie Minoso's record for the oldest guy ever to stand in a batter's box and face professional pitching. Of course that record will be broken sometime during inter-league play next season when Joe Torre fails to properly execute a double-switch and Jesse Orosco gets another at-bat. Even if Jesse retires, Minoso's record still isn't really all that safe as there's always the threat of a re-animated Ted Williams lurking out there on the horizon…

So has anyone else seen this movie "Seabiscuit" that everyone's hyping? I didn't know that Spiderman was a jockey before he got his superpowers, did you? I wonder what would've happened to Toby Maguire had he been bitten by a radioactive racehorse? Anyway, what I really want to know though, is what's the difference between Seabiscuit and those oyster crackers you get when you have some "chowda" at Fenway… Moving on to more international news I see the Tikrit Tigers are going to need a new double play combination now that "Qusay-to-Uday-to-Chance" is out of play. I mean those guys were no Trammel or Whitaker but they sure could "ruthlessly prick your gonfalon bubble", if you know what I mean. And in case you don't know what I mean, Google yourself a copy of the "Tinker to Evers to Chance" poem that made the old Cubs DP trio so famous… So now that they've finally found Brian Dennehy's body in Waco, can we stop talking about Baylor college basketball? Personally, I thought they were looking in the wrong place all this time. I mean why search all over Texas, thinking he was killed by his teammate when it was quite obvious that Mo Vaughn ate him! Or perhaps it was Kevin Kelly? And I was kind of wondering, in a very morbid sort of way, just how close was the body to that place that David Koresh dude burned down years ago? You know what they say, "everything's whacko in Waco"! Sorry for the dis there Kev old partner, but you promised me a new Sniper column on this whole Baylor basketball affair about three weeks ago and I still haven't seen it. This is the price we pay for missed deadlines! Ain't that right, Mr. Kalach?…

From embalmed dudes, let's move on to enshrined dudes, shall we? This Sunday, Gary Carter and Eddie Murray were inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Inducted along with Carter and Murray, who were selected for excellence during their playing days, was none other than Bob Uecker, who was a notoriously horrible player, but as an announcer fared much better. Of course, during the induction ceremony, Uecker was not allowed to sit in the front row along with Murray and Carter, instead he had to take a chair all the way in the back as cries of "I must be in the front row!" resounded all throughout the day. Presenting the Milwaukee announcer was everyone's favorite British housekeeper, Mr. Belevedere. And when asked later in the post-ceremony press conference about Pete Rose's chances for future enshrinement Uecker responded with "just a bit outside"!… Now everybody stop groaning! You all knew the Uecker jokes were coming this week, and if you didn't then shame on you…

Moving quickly around The Full Monty before we close for this week, we still have Freddy French Guy "sur la monde" in first place, with a somewhat comfortable, double digit, 10 point lead. But lo and behold look what's happening right below the Fred Sox in 2nd place as Kevin Kelly's High Hard One has managed to catch Kevin Shanley's Matt & The Hat! Shout out to both Kevins, can we get some commentary and an update on that Draft Day bet?… Flipping the standings upside down we see that Doug Quat has regained his exclamation point, as his Quat Thrusts! have ceded the league cellar to Chuck and Joe's "You're Killing Me Smalls", which now becomes the 4th different team to spend some time in the Full Monty's fabulously furnished basement apartment (only $800 a month and heat and hot water are included!)… And just ahead of the trading deadline we've got a major deal to report as High Hard One deals Nomar Garciaparra and Jason Johson to the He-Man Yankee Haters Club in return for Tim Hudson and Angel Berroa. This marks the 2nd time this season that Nomar's been traded for an Oakland A's starter, having been previously acquired at the expense of Mark Mulder. Now perhaps we can make this a trifecta this week if Donnie Rotisserie Baseball and DA turn around and ship Nomar to the Thrusts! for Barry Zito…

Well let those last few sentence serve as a final reminder about the league's first trading deadline. Get those calls in early to Trader Neil, I hear he's got everyone available, including certain family members if the price is right! Oh, and has anyone heard if Brian Legere's still got Raul Mondesi on the block? Bri, with the deadline looming and my Lotus Notes in-box only at 40% of capacity, how about an update on who's available from your team this week and why? Oh and don't forget that Thursday is also the deadline to send in your entry to the Rich Harden Second Chance Sweepstakes. All of you who claimed but didn't get Harden can write their name on a 3 by 5 index card and mail it into The Commish's Office where one randomly drawn name will win the rights to Aaron Harang and John Halama's Triple-A stats for the 2nd half of the season. That's all for now. 'til next week…