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Now I don't want to start this column off on a rant but… So we're supposed to be at Code Orange now is that it? Or is it just folks like me, who work in the banking industry and are Mets fans, that are supposed to be scared and paranoid right now? And how does this terror alert affect baseball? I'm speaking specifically about Bank One Ballpark here folks. Can we consider The BOB a financial institution? Or do we just hang that tag on Randy Johnson and the remainder of his contract, which by the way had about as much a chance of going to the Yankees as everyone's favorite CEO Sandy Weill had of getting into the Citicorp building in mid-town without an ID check! Now I'm not trying to connect Mr. Weill and terrorism here, but I do know that for those league owners from Connecticut who used to work with me at Travelers, mentioning Uncle Sandy does hit a little too close to the homeland if you know what I mean… So if it really is Code Orange what exactly are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to act, because let me tell you, that duct tape and plastic sheeting I bought last year made a hell of a Slip and Slide ride on my driveway last weekend and now I'm all out! What are we supposed to wear when the threat level is raised to orange? Please don't tell me I have to sport the J.R. Richard Astro's throwback jersey circa 1978! And then if the situation really deteriorates and we get to Code Red? Man, I'm going to have to break out the Charlie Spikes Era 1976 Cleveland Indians all-red shirt and pants ensemble aren't I? Well at least one thing's for sure here despite the questionable clothing. If there is a truck bomb entering New York we know for a fact that Shane Spencer is not going to be the driver! First of all he wouldn't be sober enough to drive and secondly, all that broken glass to step on… Report all suspicious activity they tell us? OK, suspicious activity like the Mets trading uber prospect Scott Kazmir for Wild Thing Victor Zambrano? Or maybe a little more suspicious is the Mets trading top minor league catching prospect Justin Huber for some guy named Bautista who's first name is neither Danny or Miguel, nor is he built like the WWE wrestler who goes by the same one name monicker? Oh you mean really suspicious activity, like Nomar's phantom Achilles heel problem that got him a ticket out of Beantown! Now I get it! Try this one out for size and tell me how suspicious this seems; The Commish has been promising a recap of his Road Trip to Camden Yards last weekend and all we've gotten thus far is a three paragraph rant! Pardon my Jacques Chirac here, but "J'accuse!" Since we're operating under Orange and I work in a bank, I've been under too much stress to put together all my notes in any kind of cohesive story-telling format, I promise we'll have that recap real soon, sorry for the delay Bruce. Did that excuse work? Didn't think so, I rage on… Since we're still ranting, let me tell you who the real terrorist is here, none other than Roger Clemens! Yeah, that's right. Spitting sunflower seeds at a 20 year old umpire at your 10 year old son's baseball game is no way to go through life son! And if I may quote Dean Wormer here for a second, neither is "fat, drunk and stupid"! Well maybe we shouldn't accuse Roger of hitting the bottle that much… We're being told that if you drive to work you had better have an alternate route planned out. Much like the alternate route Yankee GM Brian Cashman had when it was discovered he wouldn't be getting Randy Johnson? Instead of the tall mullet sporting, mustachioed lefty, Cashman went to Plan B and acquired Esteban Loaiza from the White Sox in exchange for Jose Contreras. Or as Intentional Walt put it, "the guy who the Yankees just had to keep away from the Red Sox at all costs is now being traded because he couldn't beat the Red Sox", or as Alanis Morrisette would sing "isn't it ironic, don't you think?… It's like a tray-ay-ade, on the Deadline Day
Speaking of Big Units, have we all read the article in this past Sunday's New York Post about the newest Mets pitcher Kris Benson and his nymphomaniac wife Anna? How they have this supercharged libido and need to "do the nasty" (no not Rob Dibble or Norm Charlton, thanks for that visual!) almost every day and in public places like at the ballpark and all? Now not that there's anything wrong with that mind you and they do have some rules about this, like not engaging on the days that Kris pitches. Although after giving up 7 runs in his debut with the Amazins, I have to think the Bensons broke their code and "tested out the new facilities". What's next? Maybe a menage-a-trois with new Devil Rays shortstop BJ Upton?… While we're on the subject of f***ing, have you noticed how Vice President Dick Cheney tends to drop the occasional f-bomb from time to time? So much so that I now hear people are substituting the word "Cheney" instead of the f-word. For example, "What the Cheney is wrong with the Dodgers? How could they trade LoDuca, Roberts and Mota away when they're in first place in the NL West?" See, it's really simple. But one word of caution here, if someone tells you to "go Cheney yourself" please make sure you follow proper emergency protocol and do it in an "undisclosed location"… As I wind down my rant a final reminder that we're still at terror alert level Orange folks. So please be careful, take notice of your surroundings, don't go to the bank and if you don't have a 1977 Terry Puhl or 1976 Cesar Cedeno throwback handy, perhaps you can find an old Rusty Staub game-worn on eBay somewhere? Because while France may not agree with us on this whole War On Terror thing, even they can appreciate Le Grande Orange! 'til next week…
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