Hello everyone, long time no hablo. I mean with all the "too busy to write a column at the All Star Break", then "OK, here are the Dump Day Rules" manifesto, followed by all that crazy Walt voodoo stuff (and yes Dennis I do accept all major credit cards as payment), well it's been about three weeks since we've had a meaningful conversation, hasn't it? So where to start? Well that's kind of obvious, but how's about we just marginalize Mr. I Never Took Steroids Ever With The Pointing Finger and start at the Trading Deadline?

Talk about your big teases, eh? We get all pumped up for this Super Collossal Mega Deal between the Red Sox, D-Rays and Mets and what are we left with when the clock strikes trading deadline? Geoff Blum and Kyle Farnsworth? Puh-leeze! Now I know for a fact that The Full Monty trading deadline was much more lively than the Major League version. I mean, aside from the historic trade between the Rats and All 41 that gave us a total of 114 players traded this season with at least two from every team and sent Walt scurrying to find Oliver Stone to script out his conspiracy theory, there was plenty of other action, and inaction as well. First I hear that Phil Nevin had turned down a trade to W!T!F! stating that he didn't want to break up his family (Nevin's not Neil's) as "that Neil dude is just gonna ship me off to Chuck's backwoods clubhouse in the sticks of Pennsylvania anyway". After that news leaked, I heard that Manny Ramirez and Kevin Kelly had a few choice words over the state of Subpoena Coolata's roster leading to Manny demanding a trade to another Full Monty club. Manny called Kevin a gangster-wanna-be then Kevin called Manny a gangsta-wanna-be and after all the spelling and homonymic (hey that means "same word" Kevin, not what you think, don't get all crazy!) permutations had been worked out, the two patched up their differences. Coolata co-owner The Commish just summed the whole thing up as "Manny being Manny and Kevin being Kevin". And truth be told, I'm not sure which one is scarier…

With Manny's future Full Monty employment in doubt, rumors then swirled that the Brothers Flinn, and Trader Neil had thrown their "hats" into the ring along with The Hat himself and COMMISH.COM crackled with all kinds of half-truths and speculations. One post had Manny going to the Suicidal Bombers in a four-way deal that had Subpoena Coolata getting both Danys and Joan Baez and Neil getting the remaining 25 closers that he hadn't yet acquired in earlier trades. The whole deal fell through though when Kevin Shanley uncharacteristically refused to accept anymore Pirates, stating that he would no longer be taken advantage of in that way (even going so far as to throw his 2nd catcher Humberto Cota under the bus). Besides, it was now too close to football season and he would start collecting Pittsburgh Steelers and the starting offense from the University of West Virginia instead. Provided of course they had at least half their teeth still intact (and yes, crowns count). Never meeting an offer he couldn't work with, Neil tried to save the deal in the final hour before the deadline by offering Ben Roethlisberger and Marcus Vick, plus a conditional 4th round pick in the upcoming All My Rowdy Friends Fantasy Football League draft (to be held on Sept 10th). Even going so far as being willing to throw in a late 7th rounder in the Slap Shot Fantasy Hockey League draft (scheduled for Oct. 15th), but alas nothing happened and the Fat Lady sang (Neil, be very careful here I know exactly what you're thinking!).

After that stream of unconsciousness (in which I deftly managed to work in the dates for the upcoming football and hockey drafts for those of you who partake in multiple leagues), where do we go now? Well we could talk about Walt's shrinkage. His lead that is! Oh my, almost crossed that line there didn't I? But before we go there, let me just point out a cool roster related coincidence the the Intentional One recently made me aware of. It seems that the Walts now have on their roster, the entire suite of U.S. presidents who served from 1961 to 1974. Yes indeed, Adam "John F" Kennedy, Dan "Lyndon" Johnson and Trot "Richard" Nixon are all there! But why stop there I ask? A quick trade for Lew "Gerald" Ford, a performance transaction involving Lance "Jimmy" Carter and a dip into the minors for Homer "Dubya and Herbert Walker" Bush and we're just a Clinton away from the whole darn set. And in lieu of Clinton we just insert the other "expert liar when under oath" named Palmeiro ("I did not have sexual relation with those steroids") and we're good to go! And yes, I do realize I passed up the chance for a cheap Viagra joke there…

Anyway, The Lead That Would Not Be Relinquished has been trimmed to a mere 13 points, the smallest it's been (yes, being very careful on that line right now!) in quite some time. And it's looking like Dennis held out for the right deal as he's got the pitching power he needs to make a nice little run up the Ks category and possibly get a little Sports Illustrated cover of his own should he get this thing down to single digits. Man, the things I can do with a "Rat themed" cover! Better get the boys in the Graphics Department on that one pronto…

What's up with the Yankees pitching staff? First they take a shot at fixing their woes by making a trade for "a player to be named Leiter". Then they bring in via trade "Let Me Rock You" Shawn Chacon ("feel for you, feel for you!"). Next they acquire what may be baseball first double agent in Alan Embree, who was mysteriously let go by the Red Sox the previous week bringing a new meaning to the term "embedded reliever". Come to think of it, didn't the Yanks try this very same thing with Ramiro Mendoza a couple of years ago?) Come on, admit it, I've got you intrigued? Can't you just wait for this conspiracy theory to explode if Embree blows a lead in the AL playoffs against his former team? "Now here on WFAN we have Oliver Stone joining us, fresh off his movie about how Jim sold his good friend Walt down the river by trading all his big strikeout pitchers to Dennis". And finally, the Yanks get to answer the question "What can Kevin Brown do for you?" Absolutely nothing! UPS (Ur Pitching Sucks)…

Is it just me or are they really dragging their feet in this missing persons case in Aruba? You know the one where the girl from Arkansas (or somewhere down there in Quat country) disappeared like 3 months ago and hasn't been found since and no one's been arrested yet either? Well if you've missed it, lift your rock up and change channels on the telly from ESPNews to CNN once in awhile! Anyway my point here is that I truly believe the Aruba police are just buying time until the baseball season's over so they can arrest Sidney Ponson as a suspect… Is it just me or could those kids from The Sandlot movie be leading the NL West right now? I mean, how bad is this? The NL Worst is being led by a team that's 4 games under .500! Either the D'Backs or the Padres, I'm not really paying that much attention to it. Can they really allow this to happen? And if it does, should they allow the sub-.500 winner to really play in the playoffs when every other team in the NL besides the Pirates and Chivas USA have a better record? Sorry for the random Major League Soccer reference in their, just want to see if you were paying attention. And a "you'll never get it anyway" door prize to the first person who can tell me what's so special about the Chivas USA team in MLS…

OK, now can we get to the steroids thing Mr. Commish? Sure, if we have to… Let's play word association, shall we? I'll go first. Raffy? Stinkin' liar. 'nuff said on this one, it's all been said already far as I'm concerned. Talk about your betrayals of trust, eh… Bonds? "Just not there yet". Yeah right! A month ago it's "rehab is going great, I think I can play in mid-August" then all of a sudden the Raffy news breaks and we're probably not gonna see Bonds until 2006?! Dude, can you be a little more obvious? At least Sheffield's sticking to his story that he thought the cream he rubbed on his thighs was Neutrogena and hey, it felt real soft and was good for his skin. C'mon! Can it get any worse? Yes indeed, on to our next word. Giambi? "Uh oh, did I just give something away by hitting 14 homers in one month". I'm thinking this and I dare anyone to tell me I'm crazy. Average below the Mendoza line, career in the tank, public image in New York worse than Al Sharpton's, I've already been tested once this season, oh, what the heck, it can't get any worse than this, hey Sheff? Can I borrow some of that Neutrogena, I need to exfoliate… And our last word to associate. Ryan Franklin? "Bruce Juice". Sorry, Bruce, but after adding Ryan Franklin to your roster this week, just before the announcement, you now need to finally have "that talk" with your son Alex! Well at least the one that goes "Steroids. Bad. Fire. Good."…

Finally, we close this column. Please note that there's a comma in that last sentence after the word "finally", so it's not like "alright this thing's actually ending! It's more like just me giving you an FYI that this is the last paragraph but feel free to interpret it any way you like. Seriously though, I end this column on a solemn note with some not-so-great news. Some of you already know this, and thanks to those of you who brought it to my attention over the weekend. Former Full Monty league owner Mark Robinson was seriously injured last week in the multi-car wreck in Connecticut, suffering broken bones, a possible punctured lung and a head injury. Mark was pulled from the wreckage and air lifted to Hartford Hospital where he is currently under care and treatment for his multiple injuries. The good news here is that it looks like Mark's gonna pull through. The sad news is that it's probably going to take awhile. I'm sure you all remember Mark as the proud owner of The Racing Swine franchise and the man who collected Mets both past and present on his roster and who never met a player named Kirby Puckett whom he didn't like! Please keep Mark in your prayers and let's hope for as speedy and successful a recovery as possible. If anyone wants to send Mark a get well card I have the address you can send it to (thanks Jim!). Just let me know and I'll send it over to you.

That's all we've got room for this week. Commish out. 'til next week.