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Hello everyone, sorry for the delay! Had to dust off the old karaoke machine and get it all cranked up in time for another sing-along song parody. This one comes to us straight from the desk of Doug Quat, whose Quat Thrusts! are currently in a battle for the league cellar. However, the Thrusts situation is nowhere near as dire as that of the remains of Ted Williams! I'll just let Doug explain as we follow the bouncing ball, singing along to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies" (not to be confused with Hillbilly Bill Dilly). And a-one-a, and-a-two-a…
… and no Ellie Mae to keep him company either! Very nicely done Douglas, very nice indeed. Just like Piano Man Kalach before you, you've done The Commish song parody franchise proud! Anyone else care to take a turn at the old song writing schtick? Come on Brian, you used to be a music major… Just send 'em on over as you write them and I promise they'll get published. As far as royalties go though, I can't promise you anything now that those damn kids and their Kazaa are ruling the roust… Really now though, how sad has this whole sordid Ted Williams affair become? Now I don't want to go off on a rant here but I mean Teddy Ballgame is not comfortably hanging upside down, living the after-life of luxury in suspended animation, like we were first led to believe. Oh no! The fine folks at the "life extension center" had to go all Ralphie on the Splendid Splinter and chop his head off didn't they? Or as the bourgeois in Phoenix like to call the procedure; "neuroseparation". Yeah they sure got that separation part right! Who's the resident PCP there? Dr. Feelgood? Then if having your head hacked off isn't bad enough, the candy stripers at Alcor obviously forgot to slap a "Handle With Care" sticker on the guy's noggin as it's now been revealed someone used his cranium for some "supermarket after-hours frozen turkey bowling", managing to crack poor Teddy's skull in like 10 different places. So now his body's hanging in some container resembling a scotch barrel and his head's taking a formaldehyde bath in some lobster pot. Can you say Nosferatu meets Johnnie Walker Red meets the Gorton's Fisherman? Then we go on to read that some samples of Williams' DNA are missing? And why exactly can't they find them? It's real simple here Sherlock! Actually, as you're so fond of saying, it's really quite "elementary". You just have Watson log on to eBay and do a keyword search on the phrases "John Henry", "snake oil" and "if he was my son I'd throw a pillowcase over his head and have a little neuroseparation party of my own"… Or perhaps it's already been on eBay and gone? Sold as a "buy it now" special to some teenagers like Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith so they can do a little "Weird Science" of their own? "Who needs Kelly LeBrock? Hey Chet, what do you think of this? I have created life! And it's wearing a kilt and a rain coat and playing the freakin' bagpipes! But let me tell you it can sure hit the stuffing out of a curveball…" And let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that someone does manage to pull a Dr. Frankenstein in, say, the year 2057, and gets all the kings horses and all the kings men to put Humpty Dumpty back together again? I tell you what. After having a couple of holes drilled in my head, I'd sure hope they're still making Extra Strength Excedrin (with Ibuprofen) in the future. Hey Michael J, can you hop in the DeLorean and check that out for me? What a freakin' travesty! You know this whole thing is really putting the "cry" back into cryonics don't you think? Poor Ted, may he finally someday soon rest in peace, but just these two pieces, mind you… Whew! Somebody stop me before I get sued by Dennis Miller (or Al Franken)… Well from the saga of Ted's head let's move on to the biggest power failure in New York City since Mike Piazza went on the disabled list. Or as Peter Wolf liked to sing "Lights out, a-ha, flash, flash, flash"… I'm not sure what else I can add to this that you haven't already heard except that there's absolutely no truth to the rumor that George Steinbrenner used his Columbus, Ohio ties to orchestrate the power grid shutdown so he'd be able to skip Jeff Weaver's spot in the rotation once again… In other news, I hear there's a sniper loose somewhere in West Virginia. Can anyone vouch for Kevin Shanley's whereabouts the past few days? I need to know this because The Hat's pitching numbers and place in the standings are falling about as fast as Wile E. Coyote doing the "cliff thing" and if he's mad enough to go shooting up the state of West Virginia then I'm just going to call it a season and snap a Polaroid of Kevin Kelly in the Mo Vaughn jersey before anyone else gets hurt… Next up on tonight's show we have a contribution from Intentional Walt, who sent me this quote with the following disclaimer; "Don't know quite what to make of this, but since I know you're writing a column tonight, I thought I'd send it along…"
And free tickets to a Pirates/Brewers Sausage Revenge rematch in Milwaukee the next time they play to whomever sends me the best e-mail attempting to explain Mr. Tavarez' ramblings… Have you all noticed that The Full Monty's getting real tight? Fred's lead his dwindled to just a mere half point (yes that's half as in "one slash two"!) ahead of High Hard One. Oh, and The Fred Sox are currently in a three-way tie in saves but they've got no closer! Can you say "changing of the guard"? Or better yet, since there's another French guy in 2nd (Le Commish), can you say "changer de la garde"? And that's pronounced, "shan-shez", not "change-er", by the way… Speaking of The Commish (in any language), did anyone notice that High Hard One, despite being in 2nd place, still managed to pick up new Toronto closer Aquilino Lopez when no other team claimed him as their first choice this past week? Come on guys, I know it's almost football season, but we need to pay better attention here! You now what? As I type this, I have a sudden craving for some blue aftershave? Well you know what they say. "There's something about an Aquilino man"… Finally, everyone please take note that your commissioner has changed jobs once again. Yeah, I know, I move around more than those child-beating Irish Travelers! My new work number (at JPMorganChase in Jersey City), for those of you with a few extra bytes to spare in your Palm Pilot, is 201-595-6052. Hope to continue to hear from those I'm in pseudo-daily contact with… 'til next week…
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