For some reason I just feel the need to write an Olympic themed News & Notes column. Apologies in advance if there's not a whole lot of baseball talk in here but I'll try to work it in where I can. Hope you don't mind the temporary diversion? After all, these things only come around once every four years, just like a presidential election or a legitimate Mets playoff run…

Let's begin with something at least a little baseball-like, the Olympic sport of softball. And no, before anyone asks, you cannot drop your fifth starter and pick up Jennie Finch! Now there's a good idea "picking up Jennie Finch"… Oh, never mind, that will never happen! However, perhaps the Mets could pick up Finch? Lord knows they need the bullpen help and it wouldn't be the first Finch the Amazin's have had. Remember the curious case of a Finch named Sidd? While we're on the topic of guys named Sid, how about that first ever Israeli gold medal? I'm sure there will be more to come (especially if they make electronics wholesaling an Olympic sport), but there won't be any gold in them thar hills (or should that be them thar Golan Heights?) for the Israeli baseball team. Why's that you ask? Because they don't have one! However, I think I have a solution to that little problem. Why don't we just sent over The Quat Thrusts to represent them? After all Doug's got religion and he's got guys on The Thrusts named Putz (JJ) and Mench (Kevin). Just find a couple of Schmucks to fill out the infield and we're all set. Hey, I bet you they could take the Greek team. Which reminds me of a reference I missed from last week's column about Greece's Olympic baseball team and "come from behind" wins…

From here let's move on to the plight of Olympic gymnast and would-be gold medalist Paul Hamm. Not to be confused of course, with Mia Hamm, Olympic soccer player and could-be gold medalist. For if Mia gets the gold, there's no way she's going to be handing it back to some South Korean who's crying about not getting the corner kick she should've! Unless of course, hubby Nomar decides that it's in their best interest to trade the gold medal for Doug Mientkiewicz and Orlando Cabrera. But I digress… Paul Hamm, also has a twin brother who's not named Taylor, because that would make him Taylor Hamm, and don't stop me right now, I'm on a "roll"! OK, 10 seconds in that water polo "detention square that acts like a penalty box" for me on a really bad "diner related, but don't Greeks own all the diners and isn't that thematic" pun…

Anyway, Paul Hamm's a twin (like Jacque Jones, Torii Hunter and Matt LeCroy for example), and he's getting all kinds of flack for winning a medal that's been tainted in judging controversy. That's funny, I didn't think they allowed French judges in any other sport than figure skating? And let me tell you, this Hamm fellow doesn't come controversy-free himself! How do we know that he didn't "switch out" with his identical twin brother on some of the apparatus? "OK I know we tried to date the same girls in high school but that only worked on The Brady Bunch, but now since you're really good at the pommel horse and I'm better than you on the parallel bars, I've got this crazy idea…" Can someone tell me how did this guy ever won gold after crashing off the vault WWF style and into the Spanish announcers' table? Seriously, it was like one of those old Bird-Jordan commercials, "off the trampoline, over the vault, in the air with a Bronson Pinchot in Beverly Hills Cop "lemon tweest", and land in the Russian judges lap (not that there's anything wrong with that!)". Oh, and did I mention he gets a 9.125 for this? I'm watching this (well, I actually think I read about it somewhere), thinking something like 3.265 tops and he get's a 9+?! Must've stuck the landing? Right into the judges groin without taking an extra step…

Two paragraphs on mens gymnastics, somebody help me! Moving on to the unlikely run that the Iraqi soccer team is enjoying. These guys don't have all the tools or skills but let me tell you, they're long on heart and I think we've finally found the Weapons of Pass Destruction as the Iraqis have a shot at the bronze medal later this week. I already hear the President Bush is going to be taking credit for this as a boost to his campaign so just be ready for a press conference related pre-emption of the NBC primetime schedule; "Father of the Pride", starting Tuesday after the Olympics! Enough self-promotion already, I promise I'll watch just don't show me John Goodman as the father tiger guy anymore! Oh and like Israel, Iraq also does not have a baseball team in these games. Although I do hear that the scouts like this pitcher from the Baghdad minor leagues, goes by the name of al-Duque…

Greek sprinter Kostas Kenteris was banned from the games for failing a drug test. Kenteris, originally scheduled to light the Olympic Flame at the opening ceremony (no not flame as in "Governor McGreevey", the actual bowl of fire), failed to show up. Pulling a very Jeff Kent like "I got in a motorcycle accident" excuse when in fact it had been found out that Kostas (Kenteris the sprinter, not Bob the studio host) had been "on the juice" all along. BALCO owner Victor Conte says he had nothing to do with this Kenteris guy, although the evidence may point another way as the initials "KK" were found on one of Conte's dry erase boards, with a stain next to it, which CSI:Athens determined was left by drippings from that excellent orange colored sauce they put on gyros. Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield immediately denied having ever eaten a gyro and Jason Giambi is now left considering whether or not he may have gotten that pesky parasite from a taylor Hamm sandwich he ate at that Greek diner in New Jersey…

I'm quite disappointed in the woman's sports this Olympics though. Now is it just me or do all these female long distance runners just look a little too much like a malnutritioned Dee Snyder? And what's up with the women's pole vault? Why can't I get these images of Elizabeth Berkeley in "Showgirls" out of my head? Please Mommy, make it stop… Then we read how this Russian woman who won the shot put was immediately "stripped" after she failed a post-competition drug test. Again I ask, do we really need the visual of an Eastern European woman being stripped? OK, I'll tell you what, I'll take the Elizabeth Berkeley images, but can we at least throw a few Tiffani Amber Thiessen from "Saved By The Bell" in there to keep things honest…

On the other hand, we've got women's beach volleyball, where the gold medal is awarded for being able to spike a ball over the net with sand on your butt and a wedgie about 3 inches up your butt crack! Not that there's anything wrong with that!… And since this is a family show, dare I go into this women's synchronized diving event? Have you seen this? It's the first Olympic "NC-17, near soft porn, more like Cinemax on a late Friday night" event. I'm expecting to see Shannon Tweed and Carmen Electra simultaneously do a inward two and a half somersault, double pike, half twist (nip and) tuck off the 3 meter platform, degree of difficulty 3.2 by the way! Seriously, have you had the pleasure of checking this event out? (and Bruce don't lie, I know you have!) First two women wearing skin tight suits dive into the water together as they hold their legs and spin real fast. Then after they're finished the women leave the pool and join each other for a post-dive shower under the platform while they await their scores! I tell you, a couple of 8.5's and a 9.5 from the Slovakian judge and they're hugging each other and jumping up and down and… er wait, can you hang on a minute I think I need to get a tissue…

OK I'm back. But wait… Why's the keyboard all sticky? Damn… So I've been getting my Olympic news from CNN, and let me tell you that I'm starting to get it mixed up with the political coverage. So can someone please tell me, is Swift Boat a political action committee, an Olympic rowing event, or did a former San Francisco Giants pitcher take up shrimping with Bubba Gump? And speaking of politics, when does Pete Rose get his trial at Gitmo? Finally, let me slip back into baseball (thank you Pete Rose for the segue opportunity) and leave you with a prediction of Olympic baseball glory for Cuba as Ariel Prieto holds Dave Nilsson hitless and Cuba defeats Australia 4 - 2 to win the gold medal…

Well that's my Olympic column, hope you enjoyed it. We'll have to do this again in 4 years… 'til next week…