Looks like I'm going to need a little more time with the Road Trip Diary, hopefully I'll have that all fleshed out and edited down for next week's column, for you see it's four pages long already and we've just all met at the train station! So instead of a running diary worthy of an entry into the annals of long-winded Russian literature (Dostoevsky anyone? Or maybe the one of the Karamazov brothers?), I bring to you in this week's column, something a little more unusual, once again leaning on material begged from the professional writers sprinkled in amongst our league owners to aid me in compiling this week's News & Notes column.

Well news has broken a few months back that the first ever Simpsons movie is in the works! Yes indeed, Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, Krusty and The Full Monty himself, the affable Montgomery J. Burns will be coming to the big screen sometime in 2008 according to the Internet Movie Database (IMDB.com). But why wait until then to enjoy the characters we've based our league name off of? We all remember the baseball themed Episode "Homer At The Bat" from way back in Season 3 (1991 was it?!) don't we? Well with that in mind, I challenged some league owners to come up with baseball and/or Full Monty themed scenes that could conceivably be included in the movie. We did this almost three months ago with e-mails and edits flying back and forth for about 48 hours as the masters cranked out their pieces. I've kept the best ones safely hidden in my "saved on AOL" mail folder until the time was ripe to break them out and let them loose on the unsuspecting News & Notes reading public, Simpsons fans all I'm sure of it!

So look for the new Simpsons movie coming to a multi-plex near you in just 3 more years. Hey 2008? Maybe they could time the red carpet premiere with Roger Clemens' retirement party or the honoring of Julio Franco for becoming the first player to hit for the cycle while being a dues paying member of AARP?

Now without further Apu (er, make that ado), I bring you early snippets for your consideration. Thanks to Jim "Grandpa Simpson" Kalach, Walt "Principal Skinner" Cherniak and Sideshow Doug Quat for their superior contributions. I hope you enjoy them all! The scenes they wrote that is...

First, submitted for your approval by JIM "GRANDPA SIMPSON" KALACH, the opening scene...

DRAFT DAY AFTERNOON

FADE IN: Close-up of three large dots. Camera pans back to reveal Monty Burns' bald, liver-spot covered head, which is beaded in sweat.

MONTY BURNS: What do you mean Cap Anson is dead? Good Lord, Smithers! Massage my brain. It's turning to mush just like that Obie fellow's. I have a team of stiffs -- literally.

CUT TO: Smithers sitting at desk covered with laptops and spreadsheets. Large super computer marked "Super Baseball Brain" whirs in background.

SMITHERS: Perhaps we can get Theo Epstein to draft for you, sir. Shall I send your best thugs to pick him up?

MONTY BURNS: Don't bother. I'll just have Millar bring him in. Make sure we have plenty of Jack Daniels and beef jerky when he arrives.

MEANWHILE...

CUT TO: Moe's where Barney is teaching Hideki Matsui how to speak English

BARNEY: OK, repeat after me. How did my underwear get on my head?

MATSUI: [Screaming in Japanese]

POV: Barney punches Matsui in the face.

BARNEY: That's what I did to Boggs when he talked to me like that! [BURP]

Next up, a treatment by WALT "PRINCIPAL SKINNER" CHERNIAK, his scene (not that there's anything wrong with it!)...

Mr. Burns, dressed in his best managerial woolens, discussed the fate of his team with Smithers.

BURNS: Smithers, I've just heard the most disturbing rumor

SMITHERS: We'll have fresh mints placed in the urinals by day's end, sir.

BURNS: No, no, no, that's not what I'm talking about. By the way, how much would "slightly used" mints save us? Oh, never mind! I was hanging around the old water cooler, taking in some of the boys' banter, and I overheard someone say that there was a GAY on the club.

SMITHERS: A happy person, sir?

BURNS: No, you fool! A fairy. A sissy-boy. Limp-wrist. You know, (whispering) a HOMO-sexual. We can't have any of that tomfoolery going on! No one will feel safe!

SMITHERS: I see (shuffling his feet). Are there any -- suspects?

BURNS: I was hoping YOU could help me figure it out. You're so much more "sensitive" to situations like this.

SMITHERS: He-heh, um, thank you, sir.

BURNS: Let's take them one at a time. We know's it's not Boggs. Margo Adams told us that. And Canseco's taken so many needles that his testicles have retreated into his body.

SMITHERS: He's still quite a package.

BURNS: What was that, Smithers?

SMITHERS: Um, never mind. What about Strawberry?

BURNS: Well, he did get awfully teary when I pinch-hit for him. But his wife assures me he's straight, and she has the bruises to prove it. I've also ruled out Sciosia, Griffey, Sax, Ozzie Smith and Mattingly, despite the long hair.

SMITHERS: That leaves only one player.

BURNS: Exactly, Roger Clemens.

SMITHERS: You don't think HE's gay?

BURNS: Well, I'm not sure. He SEEMS awfully manly, what with that Texas twang and intimidating glare. But I'm told that sometimes homosexual men are ULTRA-macho. Sometimes they dress up as firemen, or construction workers. . .

SMITHERS: . . .or Navajo warriors! (panting). But sir, Clemens has a wife and four children. Four SONS. I really don't think it's him.

BURNS: Well, they said this person was part of the team. Maybe it's NOT a player. Maybe it's a coach, or a trainer, or someone in the front office. .

SMITHERS: Wow, look at the time! I didn't realize we'd been talking so long. The cleaning crew's due any minute. Maybe we should continue this tomorrow.

BURNS: No, it can't wait! I can't go to bed tonight knowing this DEVIANT is out there, operating in secret. Wait a minute, I've got it. That bar across the street, "Butch Hobson's," it's a gay bar, isn't it?

SMITHERS: I -- wouldn't know, sir (hiding souvenir beer mug behind his back)

BURNS: Well, few people know this, but there is a security camera posted outside the back door of the stadium. It's right across from the bar. Anyone who walked across the street and entered the bar would be caught on camera.

SMITHERS: Anyone, sir?

BURNS: Yes. The camera's been there since last fall, when the flower arrangements started disappearing from the executive dining room. We never caught that culprit. But we have tapes! Quickly, let's go pop them into the VCR and see what they tell us?

SMITHERS: Is this really necessary, sir? Maybe we need have a discussion first.

BURNS: No time for that! We've got to find out NOW who's brought such perversion into our midst! Now, grab your purse and follow me!

Last but certainly not least, SIDESHOW DOUG QUAT brings us a two-fer, the latter of which hits a little closer to home then Springfield...

First, Monty lectures the boys about the "dangers" of steroids.

BURNS: Keep it clean, boys. Back in Nineteen-Ought-Ninety-One, this Griffey fellow suffered a case of gigantism by ingesting too much nerve tonic.

CANSECO: I'll take 12 bottles.

Next, It's Full Monty Draft Day at the Burns Mansion

The scene opens on a large, well-appointed living room. A number of people -- all wearing baseball caps -- are there, and books and newspapers are strewn across tables and chairs.

In one corner, Brian Legere and Doug are pitching pennies into a priceless Ming vase. Walt, Jim and Dennis are arguing over an early draft of the U.S. Constitution housed in a glass case. Kevin Kelly is wearing one of Mr. Burns' vests, made of real gorilla chests. A young boy named Alex can be seen scolding his befuddled looking-father next to a huge fireplace, over which hangs the portrait of a very emaciated, very old, very liver spot-covered geezer. John Legere stands next to a table covered with a variety of "mun-chies," loading up a paper plate with goodies, a Peach Snapple in his right hand. Off to John's right, Waylon Smithers stares lustfully at John's rear end. It is Draft Day for the Full Monty Fantasy Baseball League!

THE COMMISH.: "Chicken Wings. Sweet."

BRIAN L: "Quiet, bro. He was going to be my sleeper pick - Chicken Wing, an outfielder just signed from the Japanese League by the Padres. I thought we could sneak him through in the 21st round."

WALT: "No way. Dennis will grab him by the 3rd. Can someone pass me a Buckler?"

DENNIS: "These players from the Far East are killing me. My back is killing me. Gladys Knight is killing me softly."

JIM: "I like my team. I especially like the fact that right now, it has no players. So, no one can suck."

DOUG: "Does anyone want to trade me Albert Pujols, Vlad Guerrero and Johan Santana for Minnie Minoso, Kurt Russell and a bucket of sand? That's a pretty fair trade offer."

WALT: (Rolls his eyes and spits into his Red Sox cap): "It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to "volunteer" Burns Manor for Draft Day."

THE COMMISH: "Not to mention that he didn't release the hounds."

BRIAN: "Don't worry, that'll change when Neil gets here."

TO BE CONTINUED(?)...