... and in pre-season NFL football the Browns scored three TDs, 2 extra points and a two point conversion on their way to shutting out the New York Giants... What's that? Oh, that was BASEBALL! The Indians shut out the Yankees 22 - 0!? Meanwhile, the Sox are defeating the Angels and A's, winning 19 of 21 and pulling within 2 1/2 of the first place Yanks in the AL East? Son, what in the name of Sam Horn is going on here?

Could it be any more embarrassing to be a Yankee fan right now? First, the aforementioned 22 - 0 shellacking by The Tribe which may have exposed that this team has more weaknesses than a mobile home in the middle of Hurricanes Charley and Frances. Then, it's Kevin Brown breaking his hand (his non-pitching one mind you) after picking a fight with a concrete wall. Third, we come to find out that Mr. Giambi's "mysterious parasite" is some kind of tumor in his pituitary gland. And what is the significance of one having a tumor in his pituitary gland? Why, the pituitary is elementary my dear Bob Watson! Damage of this particular sort to this particular gland is usually associated with a particular muscle-enhancing drug that could be found in a particular "performance enhancement" lab in a particular northern California city. And finally, if all that's not enough to make Yankee fans "do the ostrich" and bury their heads in the sand, how's about all this pathetic begging for a forfeit win against a lowly Tampa Bay team caught in the physical and emotional thralls of those double hurricanes? And begging (and did I mention how pathetic that was?) for said win, AT HOME I might add? Heck, I'm less embarrassed to admit I'm a Mets fan! Yes, it appears the wheels may be falling off the Yankee Bandwagon and the Good Ship Steinbrenner may be listing a bit to port!

Quick quiz, which of the following is falling faster? John Kerry's poll numbers, the Genesis spacecraft or the Yankees chance of winning the AL East? By the way, if I may say, I log into CNN.COM today and see the headline news is "Genesis Crashes", what came immediately to mind was not "uh oh, spaceship falling to earth", but rather "gee, I hope Phil Collins is OK!"… Anyway, speaking of things breaking into pieces, did we mention those bones in Kevin Brown's hand? Now granted it's his non-pitching hand, but aside from Jim Abbott, when was the last time you saw anybody pitch a major league game with an immobile "other" arm? Oh and here's another thing I bet you haven't heard about this incident. When Brown realized he was going to lose his battle with the clubhouse wall, he actually tried to bite the ears off of it! Well, he remembered someone once saying "if these walls had ears" and of course, we all know Brown's not the smartest guy in the free world. Actually, now that I mention it, having Jim Abbott around may not be a bad idea as the Yankee "rotation" for the rest of the season looks something like Mussina, Vazquez, El Duque, Lieber, Loaiza and Halsey. Now I'm not knocking the rookie, I actually hear that Brad Halsey is quite an intelligent guy (well at least more intelligent than Kevin Brown). Which of course would make him "cerebral Halsey", but that would be a really bad medical pun in the middle of a "ding dong the Yanks are dead" rant and would be sure to elicit really load groans from my reading public. OK, you can groan out loud now as I end this paragraph…

Actually, this seems to be the proper year for the Yankees to fall from grace, after all they wouldn't be the first "sure thing" to get knocked down a few pegs this season and get their come-uppance. We've got the USA Olympic basketball team entering the "Bronze Age" and Britney Spears failing to win an MTV Video Award. But hey, must be good to be Kobe Bryant right now, eh? Oh and one more post-Olympics note before I forget. Remember the Brazilian marathon runner who got molested by the defrocked Irish priest? And no, this is not the start of some great joke, although it does seem that way, doesn't it? Well, in case you weren't aware his name was Vanderlei de Lima, and while Mr. de Lima may not be a captain of "industry" he sure is now Guy Caruso's favorite Olypic athlete. Vanderlei "Industries" de Lima! Thanks to Dougie Quat for bringing that to my attention and I'm a little surprised I didn't hear about this from the Caruso Brothers first!

In other, even more bizarre news (yes there can be something more bizarre than a defrocked Irish priest tackling a Brazilian marathon runner), Ugueth Urbina's mom has been kidnapped in Venezuela! The abductors are unknown, but apparently a letter received from a group calling itself "Radical Militant Muslims Against Comerica" promised to behead Mrs. Urbina unless the Detroit Tigers pull out of Iraq by Friday. Yeah, I was a little confused myself. My first thought when I heard this was why Ugie's mom? What did she do? Although, the more I think about it, I think I can see what the problem is here! Any chance the kidnappers got "Comerica" mixed up with "America"? Just a thought…

Here's another interesting question. Who has more hits this month, Ichiro or the web site that's hosting the latest Paris Hilton sex video?… Or another thing that's been on my mind all week. Is the country that won the Little League World Series the same place that you can go to get that blue liquor from? Or put another way, had the foreign champion lost the finals to the American representative, would they be Blue Curacao?… Hey look, Rick Ankiel's back on the Cardinals expanded roster! Quick, someone get all the women and children off the streets of downtown St. Louis before someone gets hurt… Oh and if anyone calls that latest hurricane "Frances", I'll kill ya! Sorry, couldn't resist the "Stripes" reference to close out the paragraph…

Psycho : The name's Francis Sawyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you.
Leon : Ooooooh.
Psycho : You just made the list, buddy. Also, I don't like no one touching my stuff. So just keep your meat hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. And I don't like nobody touching me. Any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you.
Sergeant Hulka : Lighten up, Francis.

Yes, please lighten up Frances! Or else the Yanks are gonna be asking for a double-forfeit from the make-up double header that rained out today. Steinbrenner's thinking is that since Tampa Bay brought the rain with them from Florida, the Yanks shouldn't have to get punished for that. Speaking of punishing, Boston's got an early 3 - 0 lead on Oakland in the 2nd as I finish writing this column. Should the Sox win tonight, I hear they're gonna party like it's 1999 minus 21 years... 'til next week…

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