I'm in a 22-team AL-only league and it's Roster Expansion time. We use the standard 5x5 categories but also include GIDPs for batters and Rolaids Fireman of the Year Relief Points as a pitching category. I'm trying to choose between the following available free agents for my pickups. How would you rank them? Eli Whiteside(BAL), Felix Escalona(NYY), Curtis Pride(ANA), Joe Beimel(TB), Cla Meredith(BOS) and Sammy Sosa. B.L., Richmond, VA

I thought I told my brother Brian he wasn't allowed to send mail to this address anymore…

When exactly is Barry Bonds returning? M.A., San Francisco, CA

Well the latest blurb on Barry's web site has him returning early next week. However if you ask me I think we've got a better chance of any of the following happening first before we see Barry step back into the batter's box.

Somebody catching The Intentional Walts

Do you think Mike Cameron could come back and play for the Mets this season if they manage to close big and make the playoffs as the NL Wild Card team? W.R., Flushing, NY

Well it's possible, but if he were to do that, he'd have to wear some kind of facial protection wouldn't he? I'm thinking it might be a toss-up between the Rip Hamilton "nose pressed up against the car window" plastic mask look or with hockey season starting he could borrow a face mask from New York Rangers goalie Kevin "9 ½" Weekes and go all Jason Vorhees in right field. Or perhaps with this being New York and all he could opt for the all white half-face mask which would of course come with the mandatory flowing black cape making him The Phantom of the Outfield!

Which do you believe is the worst baseball stereotype? J.B., Atlanta, GA

I've always preferred the "crafty veteran lefthanded reliever", the third string catcher who's smart enough to be a manager someday, the "really good Cuban pitcher " or even lately the "2nd baseman who gets hurt riding motorcyles but claims he was just washing his truck who wouldn't be caught dead listening to a Kanye West CD" but I hear that the "free swinging Domincan middle infielder" is all the rage these days.

How about this for separated at birth: Red Sox pitcher Matt Clement and Vanilla Ice? R.V.W., Miami, FL

All right stop collaborate and listen

OK, I absolutely promise that's the last rap song parody I ever attempt in this column…

First Tommy needs to make two moves in his fantasy league, one to replace the injured Mike Mussina and another to replace the underperforming but still active Cristian Guzman. Tommy does have 7 performance transactions remaining from his original 15. Then Tommy needs to drive over to his commissioner's house to deliver these moves in person and raid his refrigerator. Now Tommy lives 11 miles from his commish, and his 1997 Saturn SC-2 sports coupe still gets 22 miles per gallon. Assuming a rate of $3.36 a gallon for gas, how much will Tommy have to budget to cover all of this? A.E., Germany

Oh boy, a math word problem, my favorite! (Excuse me as I throw up in my mouth now and taste the bile that reminds me of Miss Rifkin's 7th grade Algebra class). OK, let's see. Cutting through all the extra words and numbers designed to throw me off the path, this problem breaks down something like this.

One injury move = $1. One performance transaction = $2

Now what if Tommy decides to veer "off course" on his way home by say 3.75 miles to pick up a pack of $7 cigarettes at the nearest 7-11?…

Where is the Road Trip diary you've been promising in this column space for the past four weeks? B.L., Parsipanny, NJ

Would you believe it if I told you my dog ate it? Didn't think so…

Do you think Milwaukee Brewers rookie outfielder Corey Hart wears his Sunglasses At Night games? E.S., Hartford, CT

I know who sent this one in thinking she was a sly girl! It's my old friend Eileen. Come On Eileen, give me a break, did you really think I'd Tumble For You and fall for this? So while You Might Think this would work, because I have to admit some of these mails really do Spin Me Right Round, the truth of the matter is that I'm over my teenage years and I've moved on. What do you think I'm still preoccupied with (nineteen, nineteen) 1985 or something?

So with that being said, I'm going to enjoy some Black Coffee in Bed now and grab a nap before my next question. Somebody please Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, OK? Goodbye To You.

Have the Kansas City Royals won yet? T.P., Wichita, KS

I'm not sure, has anyone been paying attention to this team? Hold on let me check. Hey wait, what the heck was that? A pig just flew past my office window! And hey look at that, there are bunch of cows in the farm across the street having a Homecoming party. Geez, can you wait a minute, I think I see Godot pulling into my driveway, I've been waiting for him. And damn, it's getting a little cold in here! Hey Lucifer buddy, how you doing, long time no see! What's that? You've brought over Tommy's transactions this week because he couldn't afford the gas to drive them over himself. Oh, how thoughtful of you…

'til next week…