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The latest edition of the News & Notes comes to us courtesy of Doug "Must Die" Quat and Intentional Walt Cherniak, who have teamed up to bring us a Full Monty League edition of Johnny Carson's famous "Carnac" skit… For those of you who don't remember this and/or may be too young to have seen it, here is Wikipedia's entry for Carnac The Magnificent:
Carnac the Magnificent was a role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, and later continued on Late Show with David Letterman, occasionally by Paul Shaffer. One of Carson's most well-known characters, Carnac was a psychic with a large, elaborate turban and a plethora of envelopes, all of which (according to Ed McMahon) were hermetically sealed and had been kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls' porch since noon that day. On the way to his desk after arriving on stage, Carnac would invariably trip and fall (on one memorable occasion, Carson's desk had been replaced with a balsa wood version, and he smashed right through it).
Carnac's act involved divining the answer to a question putatively written on a card sealed inside one of the envelopes, then opening the envelope to reveal the question. The resulting jokes were usually intentionally corny and often involved puns in some way
… and for those of you old enough to have seen Carnac but too old to know what Wikipedia is, let me start you off with a Carnac-ism of my own:
Answer. Wikipedia
Question. What a former San Diego Padres catcher uses to do research when he needs an on-line encyclopedia on the Internet
So you see how this works? OK, here we go, the best of Doug, Walt and Carnac The Magnificent…
A. Wilson Betemit
Q. What the Dodgers 3B did when he ran out of chips at the poker table?
A. Chan Ho Park
Q. Where do injured Padres go to relax?
A. Bartolo Colon
Q. What's that foul smell in the Angels clubhouse?
A. Josh Bard
Q. Why is San Diego's catcher yawning?
A. David Wright
Q. What does the Mets' 3B say when he guesses correctly and goes deep?
A. Chris Carpenter
Q. Who nailed the resin bag to Mark Mulder's sorry ass?
A. Ted Lilly
Q. What should we plant on John Gibbons' grave?
A. Joey Devine
Q. What do the girls say when the Braves reliever goes out on the town?
A. JJ Putz
Q. What does the Mariners' closer do after he hits his ball on the green?
A. So Taguchi
Q. How do you begin a conversation with the Cardinals' reserve outfielder from Japan?
A. Jorge Cantu
Q. How does the Devil Rays' second baseman respond when Manager Joe Maddon tells him "Jorge cannot?"
A. Wang and Johnson
Q. What do two members of the Yankees' pitching rotation call their members?
A. Robinson Cano
Q. What does Old Swine co-owner Mark use to paddle down the Connecticut River?
A. Torii Hunter
Q. What do call an Englishman who tracks down members of the political party that opposes Tony Blair?
A. Barry Bonds
Q. What will Mr. Steriod be posting after his indictment?
A. Eric Byrnes
Q. What happens when you throw gasoline and a lighted match on a D-Backs outfielder ?
A. Adam Dunn
Q. What does the Reds' right fielder say when he's finished at the urinal?
A. Choo Freeman
Q. What does a cannibal do after he's released from prison?
A. Nick Punto
Q. What does the Twins' utility infielder do on fourth and long?
A. Josh Fogg
Q. What do you call the thick, damp cloud that floats in over the town of Josh?
A. Curt Schilling
Q. What's another name for an angry British coin?
A. Jimmy Gobble
Q. How does a KC Royal's pitcher imitate a turkey?
A. Dan Uggla
Q. Why did the woman at the bar reject the advances of the Marlins' second baseman?
A. Danys Baez
Q. What do Braves pitchers say at the bar on payday?
A. Rickie Weeks
Q. How would you describe the Brewers' second baseman when he's off his weight lifting program?
A. Ross Gload
Q. What happened to the White Sox backup 1st baseman when he stepped into a nuclear reactor.
A. Neil Eskow
Q. What did the king say to the co-owner of Promoting the Game prior to knighting him?
A. Milewski
Q. What do the children of the WORLD RATS owner skip to when they're visiting relatives in Poland?
A. Jermaine Dye
Q. Who is the younger, much more likeable brother of Quat Thrusts! owner Doug Must?
A. Don Cardoza
Q. What does the He-Man Yankee Hater's owner do sometimes in the parking lot on his lunch break at work to help him catch up on his sleep?
Thank you very much fellas for picking up the News & Notes slack. The masses were demanding humor, and you gave them humor! And if they didn't like it? Well, there's always Conan O'Brien on late night… 'til next column…
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